Corporate Shit. Literally.
I work in a big multi-national. As befits a company that ‘values innovation and risk-takers’, the company values neither. Naturally, progression is made by covering your back and sucking up to the right people.

Nevertheless, being the blooded-minded fool that I am, I joined the Innovation Forum - mostly because it looked good on my end-of-year review (another tragic truth of today’s working environment is that you need only be mediocre at your actual job; doing unimportant and unrelated tat is seen as going beyond the call of duty, apparently).

After a lot of badgering, I finally managed to get a suggestion through the claustrophobic layers of management. My amazing suggestion? That inviting clients to see your shiny new showcase head office is not much good if you then direct to ‘freshen up’ in cesspit bathrooms built in the 1950’s for 50% fewer staff.

Forthwith, the shabby bathrooms (with their gross yellowed walls, fouled bogs and overflowing drifts of used paper towels) were replaced by the latest in shiny, new ‘rest facilities’.

But was this my minor victory? It was not.

As with all big multinational that will cheerfully waste millions, it will surprise no-one that they penny-pinch in the dumbest ways. The cheapest contractor was hired for these new ‘rest facilities’ – one which didn’t bother to properly align the doors on the new bogs, meaning the bolt couldn’t be shot into place.

And being an ‘innovative’ company, the rest of the sheeple simply didn’t have the wherewithal to try – for example – sticking their foot under the gap of the door and lifting it slightly, thereby letting the bolt slide neatly into place.

Therefore, for months, I basically had my own executive toilet.

That was my little victory. And it was bliss.

The roomiest, newest cubicle in the building was all mine! No longer did I suffering the strange, sphincteral offerings of my barely house-trained colleagues, who seemingly had an arsehole designed to spray their revolting goo everywhere but down the pan. No more odd hair, no more bastards using the bog as a urinal, and spraying piss all over the seat (why do people do this?).

I could swan into ‘my’ cubicle with complete confidence of both cleanliness and peace, guaranteed that the seat of my throne had been graced by no-one’s butt-cheeks but mine. Honestly, tiny though it might seem, its difficult to describe the sheer satisfaction of taking a dump in such environs.

I was crushed when my reign ended, and the doors were fixed.
(IChewCandlewax, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 13:40, 19 replies)

Reigning on the throne.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 13:43, closed)

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 13:58, closed)

this gif should replace qotw

( $$ ✅, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 14:13, closed)

is there sound with this?

(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 15:07, closed)

It's called "The Simpsons", a popular animated TV series.

(McChinaman banned, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 15:11, closed)

Thank you.
All is now clear.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 2:03, closed)

Yes
Astonishing how the seemingly cleanest bunch of people in an office can be so disgustingly offensive in the toilet. There should be the facility to DNA test the mess and have the offending party lick it clean.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 15:10, closed)

I was half expecting..
...to see a load of replies from people, confessing that they get a surge of petty, perverse pleasure in pissing all over toilet seats/shitting up toilet walls.

After all, this is b3ta.
(IChewCandlewax, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 13:12, closed)

Was going to click this, though now I won't, to spite you

(Porcupine, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 14:59, closed)

No, they just pretend to be filthy.
They all live in sterile homes - this is their only human contact.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 15:49, closed)

A friend's missus is an HR manager in the NHS...
... She has had to track down and sack several 'poo trolls' (as she refers to them) over the years. Apparently giving your office bogs a 'Hunger Striker' inspired make-over is a sackable offence these days.
(GonkHerder, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 16:52, closed)

alright pooflake

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 18:01, closed)

Unless the circumstances are dire and immediate
why would anyone want to crap at work? I had a colleague who routinely had a crap on turning up for work. Think he felt smug about the flush not going throught his water meter at home, and not having to pay for the paper. I'm with Milligan on this: abort in luxus.
( CharlesDexterWard no rush eh, Tue 31 Mar 2015, 21:55, closed)

And for getting paid to take a shit.

( Pig Bodine., Wed 1 Apr 2015, 0:05, closed)

How do you get to choose where you take a crap? What if you need to go while in work? Are you saying you just hang on?
Ewww
(Porcupine, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 14:58, closed)

I used to like shitting at work
but now I'm in a new office with unisex bogs and I'm terrified that I'm going to come out of a stall having just left it stinking like Satan's breakfast only to find that the tidy Irish piece from the office down the corridor is outside, waiting to use it next
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 16:30, closed)

I have my daily shit at 09:30
Most days I lay down a tidy hawser. But on other days whatever doesn't flush away, from the blast fragments to the sulfurous fug, is someone else's problem.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 17:12, closed)

New massive Sports Centre...
Has been built on my campus where i work. There's labs/teaching rooms on the 1st floor that are hardly used and a huge staff bog that is never used as no-one knows it's there.

Well fitted, roomy, proper arse paper, a shiny row of Dyson handvac thingys and best of all - radio pumped into the ceiling speakers.

I can sit and shit for a good hour with the cubicle open and listen to local radio. It's like if the apocalypse came, just no-one about. Ever.
(TheManofScience, Wed 1 Apr 2015, 9:30, closed)