Rich Tea Woe
This is the actual letter - word-for-word - that I sent to the Co-Op:

Dear the Co-op

I am writing to inform you of the unpleasant - yes UNpleasant experience I have suffered following the purchase of a 300g packet of Co-operative Rich Tea Biscuits. You know: The red packet with the comedy 'serving suggestion' picture of several so-called 'Rich Tea' biscuits sitting wanly on a plate in the middle distance.

Rich Tea? VERY POOR TEA, more like.

Within two days of purchasing your product, I should inform you that I have suffered the indignity of soggy Rich Tea biscuits snapping in half and falling into my otherwise excellent beverage with only the briefest of dunkings - thus completely wrecking my tea break - on no less than three occasions.

You have no idea how angry this makes me, but I'll tell you: A LOT. No man should be forced to live with the affront and humiliation of soggy biscuit defeat through the complete tectonic failure of what I wrongly thought were an acceptable Rich Tea purchase. On THREE occasions. I'm so cross I can't even go to the toilet properly.

Subsequent cuppas were made of tea, water, milk, HATE and FURY, and tasted much as you'd expect. For eg: TERRIBLE.

In order to get any pleasure from dunking my Rich Teas, each biscuit has to be individually wrapped in cling film first to ensure structural integrity before they are inserted into the tea. Hardly adding to the biscuit experience, I can tell you for nothing.

We have also experimented with dunking two biscuits at once, but we find the staples and glue get stuck in the poor, dead biscuit taster's throat and we're left with the all-too-common 'Dump another body round the back of the industrial estate' problem that has plagued serious biscuit testing down the years.

Clearly, there is a design fault which your highly-paid snack food boffins should address with all due urgency. May I suggest the EU Standard Baked Biscuits, Confectionery and Cake Stress Procedure (2003), which your product has quite clearly failed?

Sort it out, and make it (oh-ho!) snappy. And if you're planning on sending me free biscuits, make sure they're good ones, and not wafer-thin Rich Teas made out of structurally suspect biscuit stuff and the tormented souls of the dead.

Your pal


Albert O'Balsam

---- oooOOOooOOooo passage of time ooooOOOoooOooo ----

And their reply (somewhat paraphrased)


Dear Mr O'Balsam,

We're sorry to hear about your recent biscuit-related woe at the hands of a packet of shoddy Co-op Rich Teas.

Please accept our apologies, our pledge that all biscuits will be individually stress tested as per EU regulations, and some vouchers.

Your pals,

The Co-op.

Yeah, I got one over the Co-Op and I understand it's the equivalent of punching a baby. Sorry.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 12:32, 12 replies)

Subsequent cuppas were made of tea, water, milk, HATE and FURY.

Worth a click just for this line.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 12:38, closed)

That's the line I clicked it for

(teebie jeebie, Wed 16 Feb 2011, 10:24, closed)

humiliation of soggy biscuit defeat
hahahahahahahahahahaha

splendid.
( Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 12:58, closed)

I think I love you for this.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Thu 10 Feb 2011, 13:03, closed)

this has cheered up my Thursday no end :)

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 13:09, closed)

You won that...
... but if I were co-op Customer Services, you would have received a small cheque... made out to Albert O'Balsam.

You had earned your click by the time it reached "I'm so cross I can't even go to the toilet properly." BTW
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 15:05, closed)

Worthy
Clicks for you and the Co-op customer service folks. Particular kudos for "sitting wanly on a plate in the middle distance"
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 10 Feb 2011, 15:54, closed)

Hmmm, you may have actually written the letter, but the structure and concept is pure Timewaster Letters
(clinteastwoodbradfield, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 18:19, closed)

Albert O'Balsam?
Are you in possession of magic hats?
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 19:57, closed)

I am indeed*
* lie
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 12:02, closed)

"I'm so cross I can't even go to the toilet properly."
Bwahahahahahaha *click*
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 7:56, closed)

Full "Keith Chegwin Act 2011" disclosure
This line stolen from Stephen Fry
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 12:02, closed)