Night night.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 27 Feb 2013, 22:58, Reply)

Is this qotw the same as "racist grandparents"?
Only I just remembered that every time Ski Sunday was on, my grandmother would say "looks like there's a nip in the air".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 22:46, 1 reply)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONVhpoM4V0c
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 19:32, Reply)

are we done with this yet? someone down there said 'coloured' like they were all liberated and that.
enough, surely?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 19:31, 14 replies)

Why can't Stephen Hawking jump?
Because he's white.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 19:21, 2 replies)

I had a flatmate once who said the black people can't swim properly because their pores are too big
Three in a row? Perhaps there's something to it after all.
( Ghoti Fingers, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 18:54, 3 replies)

My ex wife
genuinely believes that black people can't swim properly because "we whites evolved from fishes and they evolved from monkeys". I'm still shocked to this day that she said that, yet had no problem with my black mate being our daughters godfather.
(sunray18, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 17:57, 14 replies)

I was an usher at my friends wedding
and as such myself, the groom, the best man and the other ushers were chauffeur driven in a lovely old white rolls royce to the church. We were chatting to the driver who happened to be the grooms parents neighbour. His top life tip to the groom to be:
'If you ever have to fight a black man, make sure you do it next to water...

...they're no good at swimming see'
(bunglist, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 17:32, Reply)

All shed owners are cunts.

(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Wed 27 Feb 2013, 16:43, 11 replies)

I was visiting the folks this last weekend
We popped out to a garden centre so my mum could buy something, and being old they wanted a cup of tea. In the cafe was a young family with twin children, everyone was obviously cooing over them.

We left about the same time as the family, and as we were getting to the car the lady who had parked next to us with old mother in tow, said to my dad in passing. "Oooh, I always wanted twins", her mother snorted.

The woman then proceeded to say "I always quite fancied black twins too", her mother looked on, "but I didn't like the idea of what I'd have to do to get them..." and nodded knowingly.
( new_matt, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 16:07, 7 replies)

Dutch Nazi
I was sitting at the bar enjoying a quiet beer in well known Den Haag watering-hole, the place was empty. When in walks a young Dutch neo Nazi in the full uniform, he even had a red arm band with a fake swastika. He sits down right next to me and is about to order a drink, I could see the staff were about to refuse him so I stepped in and bought him a drink.

Why ? well I was curious, would he even speak to me being a foreigner, he did but I honestly though he might have been going to fancy dress party he was the 1st colored skin head I have seen. Turns out he was was the real article, "it was ok to speak to me as I was British and white not a real foreigner like the Morocs". I left. It could only happen in the Netherlands..
(fire_exit, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 15:37, 12 replies)

Westboro Baptist Church
Whose website is rather fetchingly called "godhatesfags.com".

It doesn't take much to work out the most likely reason that Fred Phelps claims to hate gays so much, does it? Does anyone else have a strong urge to let the other church members in on the secret?

Better blatant than latent!
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 14:04, 48 replies)

My dad's side of the family are rather more middle-class than my mum's
My dad himself is pretty fair-minded and reasonable. He reads the Daily Mail but he's not daft enough to believe it.

His brother's family are far more prim and proper though. I recall my cousin once being given a proper telling off because she said “flipping”.

At my uncle's 60th birthday, my aunt's sister was complaining about how annoying these awful Big Issue sellers were, and why didn't they go and get proper jobs?

When I pointed out that it is quite hard to get a bank account or a job without a fixed address she looked as if she had never got anywhere close to considering this. Sadly I think all it did was annoy her that someone had challenged her comfortable little bullshit bubble, and I seriously doubt she has changed her opinion about the homelesses.
(Eukanuba, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 13:59, 5 replies)

A bad first day of term
for a friend of mine who had been teaching for a couple of years in a grammar school where skin colour was 90% pink.

He arrived at his first classroom, which, being first day of term, was full of all the unchecked chumminess and energy of 30 second-years unleashed back into the education system after weeks of summer idleness. Shouting, missiles and mayhem.

Time to display authority, he thought.

"Right. Everyone stop right now. We are going to begin the year properly. Everyone out, form a line outside the classroom. We shall enter again when things are returned to order." He remained in the classroom while they trooped out, nodding his head with disappointment, punctuated with shame-inducing tuts.

Surveying the damage he continued from inside: "Now. This is how it will be. I want you all to take note. First two in the line come in and pick up all this rubbish, after which everyone else may enter. Quietly."

And so it was fate had chosen the first two in the line to be the only non-pink members of the class.
(roysin, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 13:16, 5 replies)

There is this really conservative church near my place, like so conservative that they have been outside the official Church for a time. I learned recently that they had a mass for Franco, not for his soul but for what he did when he was alive.
Anyway, a couple of years ago this distant friend persuaded me to come to one of their Post-mass drinks (people from 20 to 30), went there a bit reluctantly but hey, you don't come across religious nuts that often.
It was quite nice actually, until one of them turned to my group and said, as I was religiously listening to their encounter with Jesus
"Hey, don't you agree that concentration camps are a myth?" all of them nodded and approved.
"Well, one of those days you should talk to my grandfather who is one of the youngest survivor of the camps. Bye" was my reply. I did not try to argue, it's useless with this kind of people, I just walked out the bar (and did not pay for my drink).

(One of those days I'll tell you about this anti-bigot who was such an anti-bigot that she was a fucking one.)
(Polly'O, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 11:22, 14 replies)

No black teachers
A language school in Warsaw had one big draw to get new students; a course taught entirely by a native English speaker. For any who have done TEFL, this has its pros and cons. On the plus side, students get access to "real" English, and don't learn some bastard approximation of English from the "local" teachers, who all sound like Russian bad guys in a James Bond movie. On the flip side, most "natives" have had zero training and couldn't tell their verb from their elbow if asked (which Polish students do, regularly). Despite the lack of qualifications, most natives command a higher hourly rate than the local teachers, but more importantly allow the school to charge a much higher price for the courses.

This school had two teachers. Charles was born in Surrey, was university educated with a CTELFA qualification and a degree in English, and had been teaching for over 5 years. He knew the ins and outs, he knew what specific problems Poles have with the language and how to overcome them, and best of all, he had the smooth mellifluous tones of a continuity announcer. Only trouble is, he was black. Very black. Treacle-covered black pudding on a plate of pure asphalt black. The school sent him to the client for induction training.

Next day there was a complaint. "None of the students can understand the teacher. His accent is atrocious, no-one knows what he's talking about. He's the worst teacher we've ever had. Send a replacement."

What? Charles has never had a blemish on his career in his life. His appraisals come back perfect, and he's even taught other teachers. Still, the client's always right, so the school sends the other teacher; a drunken slob from South Africa that they usually reserve for "conversation classes", since Sam knows fuck-all about grammar and even less about professional decorum.

Apparently the clients were delighted and found Sam "far easier to understand", which is odd since, punctuated with hiccups and burps, his opening phrase is "Willkem tee Inglish klors, moi naym ees Sim en oil bi titching yu fi thee rist iv thee simistah".
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 10:35, 3 replies)

There used to be two chaps in Brixton who were rather fun.
One huge, one tiny, both were clad in a sort of pseudo-Egyptian? Ancient-style dress, of a sort of purple, armless smock/tunic thing, accompanied by impressive-looking brass amulets they wore on their wrists, and I seem to remember at least one of them had some sort of tiara-type thing on his head.

They had a microphone and loudspeaker, and every Saturday would be down by the station, instructing people of their journey to hell (Mrs V, for example, was going, "For women whomsoever wear the clothes that are not of their place, like YOU, Miss! Like YOU! Will surely be cast into the Pit Of Fury by The Lord!". I think they were from The 12 Tribes Of Judah, or something of that sort of nature, who were the Chosen Race, and God's Own People, and white folk, Asian folk, and oh dear god the Chinese! Well - we might as well all just kill ourselves now, as we have absolutely no chance.

What was rather lovely is that Mr Big had a deep, booming voice, perfectly suited to his very rap-like delivery of damnation and hatred., and he would punctuate his bouts of ranting by indicating Little Mr Tiny ("Gimme Isiah Chapter 12!"), and Little, who had to stand on a box to match Large's height, had a voice like Joe Pasquale on helium -"And THE LORD said 'You shall not wear the clothes that do not indicate your position' ... "

Invariably, after a while, they would be moved on by the police, and everyone could continue listening to the reggae from across the road.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 10:09, 2 replies)

So, Derby
What's the fucking point of that, eh?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 10:07, 7 replies)

Phew, nearly missed this one
Just a quicky, but my bible bashing aunt sends me lots of emails. Many of them would make Daily Mail readers cringe. There are all the obvious ones about Geert Wilders and how he is actually the West's saviour from the tyranny of Muslims. But more sinister are the ones she sends from America (she lives in North Carolina).

Preachers and religious people spouting off about how bad the world is, like a watered down Westboro Baptist church. I really want to take her to task for this because what she sends is absolute bull. Worst of all, she is managing to turn my formerly quite liberal mother in to an anti-immigration fan - despite the fact she, herself, is an immigrant in France!

Anyway, this all came to a head when we were out having lunch one afternoon. she was in England on holiday, and despite the racist tendencies, she is a lovely aunt.

We were discussing the world and other such, when she came out with "Well, it's obvious that God exists because He is punishing the Haitian people for worshipping the Devil, renouncing Him and practising voodoo."

I said I didn't think this was quite fair. Earthquakes, hurricanes and other such natural phenomenon happen. This isn't because of who you worship. It just seems worse there because the country is run so badly. Her retort?

"Look on Google Earth and the island of Dominica and you'll see that on the East - the God-fearing Dominican Republic - the map looks green and fertile. In Haiti in the West, the ground is grey and brown."

I laughed this off, but obviously went and had a look.

I think she may have a point...

(EDIT: I think they have updated their photo as the difference isn't quite so telling anymore.
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Wed 27 Feb 2013, 9:43, 2 replies)

The Ultimate White Supremacist
<pea>

I was once accosted on the street by a white supremacist type. He demanded to know whether I "Loved My Country". Well, there was that incident with the 3 litre bottle of rough scrumpy and the rabbit hole, but in general I don't really think about it much.

What threw me was that he was, quite clearly, an albino. Now that's what you call dedication to the cause! Any more caucasian and he'd have been translucent. I guess he could look down on blond aryans as being "a bit dusky".

</pea>

It always puzzled me how a dark-haired short-arse could get a whole nation to worship the ideals of a tall, blond, blue-eyed master race...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 9:16, 2 replies)

The right to swing your arm stops
where someone's nose begins.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 27 Feb 2013, 2:39, 18 replies)

For most of human existence
most people have lived in tribal groups and isolated villages. Everyone knew everyone else and they were probably somehow related.
In drift people who are different. One is a curiosity, two is a comedy and three is starting to be a threat.
The world is a better place now that differently coloured people can expect a fair crack at a flat or a job.
The age old habits die hard however and even those prepared to report their parents as racist can still unconsciously presume that someone with a Black Country, Mississippi, Queensland or Cape Breton accent is bound to be stupid.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 2:06, 8 replies)

Not in anyway a 'LOL' at all, but racism can work both ways.
www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4809890/BOY-thought-to-be-one-of-Britains-youngest-suicides-found-dead-after-months-of-jibes-says-family.html
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 0:46, 4 replies)

Hungarian ex of mine
and her family. At first I took it as a sort of rustic charm on their part, a Hungarian Hill-Billies sort of thing. But anything that wasn't Hungarian wasn't mustard to them. Around the table at mealtime some of the vilest hatred was casually thrown back and forth; Jews, Gypsies, the Balkan countries. These people were actually well-educated, scholastically speaking, yet extremely intolerant of anything different. So what was I doing there? I guess being western European wasn't as bad for them. We split up not long after.
(roysin, Tue 26 Feb 2013, 22:51, 4 replies)

I worked as a steward
in the Colston Hall in Bristol.

Oh the irony...

In 1991 I witnessed a show by Roy 'Record Breaker' Castle and his death trumpet. He told the following joke:

Q: What's the difference between a slice of toast and an Iraqi?
A: You can make soldiers out of a slice of toast.

The entire audience of Daily Mail reading Over 50 Plan cunts laughed.

I merely let a fart I'd been nursing and hoped it found its way up Castle's nose.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 26 Feb 2013, 21:15, 9 replies)

Prolly said already, but ...
I had a neighbour once who said "I got no problem with gays, but I wish they didn't try to ram it down our throats."
(Mr Gronk, Tue 26 Feb 2013, 21:09, 6 replies)

Can't understand accent
I taught and assisted in some undergraduate linguistics courses at a big US university for a while. I am white and have a fairly standard North American English accent, and thus had few problems getting respect from students. Instructors who weren't American got all kinds of weird feedback though. A woman I knew from Brazil had a student do an impression of her accent while she was lecturing, a Scottish grad student had people request to be moved *in* to his class because people thought his accent would improve their performance in the class, but the worst was the following:

A member of the department from Singapore got some written, anonymous feedback at the end of the semester that students couldn't understand his accent, and this had caused their work to suffer.

It seems as though for some students his brown skin had trumped the fact that he grew up in Singapore speaking not only Malay and Chinese, but RP English as well, and his English accent, vocabulary, and grammar were probably more standard (with respect to British English anyway) and prestigious than mine in every possible way.
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Tue 26 Feb 2013, 19:16, 24 replies)

awmguh!
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1875067
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 26 Feb 2013, 18:01, 2 replies)

I've been on the receiving end of rants issued by people who are intolerant of any opinion but their own,
Unfortunately their cause was so 'right on' that to question their opinion was to mortally offend them. Plus they had the unassailable advantage of being late teens so 'knew it all'.

A mate of mine back home managed to pull a girlfriend at the technical college and we were invited to meet up. As per Spimf's earlier post, you knew that she was a vegan because she told you almost the moment she was introduced, and was touchy and defensive about the subject- therefore we kept the chatter strictly neutral, except that I mentioned trainers (I had Hi-Tops which were par for the course in 1990) and that kicked her off, as she spat that she would never wear trainers made from leather, much as she would not let the flesh of dead animals pass her lips. "SEE?" She indicated, "...my trainers are only made from synthetics and plastic".

A little annoyed at this full-on right-on-ness I snapped back that would she be happy if a Gaea worshipper pointed out that oil was raping the body of the mother earth and polluting it, how would she react? Moody sullen silence.

Met her again at a mate's wedding quite a few years later and she had completely gotten over herself and was indeed a pleasant person to be around. Ah, Youth.

About 6 months later I was at Polytechnic in London, on my way to the Freshers' Fair, thinking to perhaps join the Film Society or the Keith Chegwin Appreciation Society (trufax).

On the way there out of the tube station I was accosted by a small dumpy girl with bad dreads, rubbish tie-dye skirt and ethnic jewellery collection of piercings. Behind her was the standard issue Trestle Table sporting the Socialist Worker bunting and a lot of copies of their paper.

'Are you political?' she demanded to know of me in a hectoring, over loud challenge. 'Uh, not really' I replied honestly. 'WHY? DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT WHAT GEORGE BUSH IS DOING IN KUWAIT MURDERING BABIES AND ALL FOR OIL?'.

OK. To elicit my support for a good cause is not always difficult but she's going about it exactly the wrong way. Disengaging, I turned away to walk on, tossing the parting shot over my shoulder 'Well we can't let Saddam do what he wants either.'

Jesus, she made Millie Tant of Viz fame seem quite mild mannered by comparison. Shouting and screaming down the road after me, about how I was capitalist scum that was responsible for all the evil in the world etc etc'.

Oddly enough when I got to the Fresher's Fair, all the political societies were there in force. The very loucheness of the Young Conservatives amused me but I wasn't about to join. I did acquire one of their Thatcher Blue 'Smiley' badges to wear on my lapel as a kind of visual clue to any further loony lefty recruiters that I wasn't interested.

(This alongside my other collection of badges by the way, Eddie the 'ead from Iron Maiden, Anti-Section 28, some 2000AD characters all sat on my denim blazer embroidered with band logos, purple paisley shirt, skintight black jeans, studded belt and cowboy boots and a rather rubbish mullet. I did NOT look like a Young Conservative poster boy.)
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 26 Feb 2013, 16:38, 12 replies)