Man with plan reminds me,
My last ever experience with mushrooms caused me to lose it every time I went into the supermarket for many years, and even now I still have certain mental ticks because of it. I'll explain:

Towards the middle of this particular massive-drugs^TM bender I wandered from the living room into the kitchen as there seemed to be a peculiar light emanating from there. It needed investigation. The source was duly tracked to the industrial size box of washing powder (it's origin eludes me now) that was sitting on the window sill. As I approached it I had the sudden realisation that all the light of the universe was emanating from the box. What was more, I quickly deduced - this was no ordinary light: I was being directly communicated to by God, via the medium of washing powder. And no! Not quite, I corrected myself - the washing powder was God.

Shitting jesus.

I spent the remainder of the evening staring at the box in amazed wonder, bathed in the glorious heavenly light of the Lord.

Surprisingly, that's not the losing it bit. The losing it bit is that for years afterwards I couldn't even look at, or even say the words "washing" and "powder" without descending into manic laughter. I couldn't even go and buy washing powder from the shop. Even now, I involuntarily smirk when I hear, or say the words.

Don't mess with your brain.
( rofl harris, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 12:09, Reply)

I Once
picked up two knives instead of a knife and a fork out of the cutlery drawer, prior to sitting down to dinner...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 28 Jul 2011, 11:43, Reply)

Do you ever look at your watch and not know what time it is?
Do you ever notice how all day Wednesday, you keep thinking it's Thursday?
Do you ever find yourself standing in one of the rooms in your house and you can't remember why you went in there?
Have you ever been talking to yourself and somebody comes in the room and you have to make believe you were singing?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgps85scy1g
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 11:28, Reply)

Warning -generic MASSIVE DRUGS post
Bought an entire box of the strongest shrooms available (this was when you could purchase them legally) and promptly scoffed the lot in one sitting. All this despite having very little previous experience with said drug.

What ensued was an 8 hour journey into hell. For the entire time I felt on the verge of death. I couldn’t tell you how or why I felt I was going to die, only that I was convinced I’d had my lot and was about the kick the bucket at any second. Shadows in the bedroom I had taken refuge in morphed into all manner of sinister shapes; the shadow from the lampshade forming a particularly nasty-looking giant spider that was definitely going to come and get me. Auditory hallucinations made the usual sound of aeroplanes flying over the house sound like giant flying dragons roaring across the skies. My vision was so utterly warped that I couldn’t look at the friend who sat through the whole thing with me directly as his facial features and body were so warped and elongated out of perspective that he resembled the classic Hollywood depiction of a werewolf. This friend also had to regularly fetch me a blender to piss in as I was simply too terrified to leave the room to go to the toilet.

The relief when it finally came to an end, and when I realised I was in fact not going to die, was indescribable. Worst experience of my entire life bar none. Drugs are bad.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 11:20, 6 replies)

Presumably the least popular story this week
will be the winner.

How biblical.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 11:05, 3 replies)

Lost it
I was once phoned up by a financial advisor, offering the services of his company. As I was thinking about saving some money I took him up on his offer and arranged a meeting.

After agreeing I thought I'd better check out the company, to see if they were any good. I looked up their website and researched the company officers. Turned out that the founder was a South African bloke with an impressive set of letters after his name. I researched a little more, and found out that the guy had degrees and a doctorate from an internet university. When I looked into it, it became obvious that anyone could apply to that university and receive any honour they wanted, for an appropriate fee. There was even a nice quote from the South African guy saying how great the university was.

This put me off the company, so I phoned the financial advisor to cancel the meeting. I got his voicemail, and left a message saying I didn't want to deal with a company whose founder bought his academic qualifications.

Next day I got a call while I was at work, from the big boss. He started to yell at me, complaining that I had embarassed him in front of his subordinates: apparently the advisor had played the voicemail from me to the whole office. I told him I wasn't prepared to work with someone who bought their degrees. He yelled at me that it was a perfectly legitimate university and that he would sue me for slander. I opened the university website and started to quote to him what it said, which made it clear that the degrees and doctorates could be bought. As I read it seems I raised my voice more and more, and he was yelling back at me. Eventually I was standing up, yelling down the phone. Finally I shouted "And that is why I will not be dealing with your company," and slammed the phone down. I got a round of applause from the office for that. Wish I could find the site for the university again, it was quite funny.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 10:43, Reply)

My ex's nan, on discovering that I'd never had a waffle...
"You've never had a waffle?! Well, they're like those potato things..."

*pauses to think for several seconds, muttering "What are they called?" to herself*

*realisation dawns*

"Potato waffles!!

...only they're not made of potato"
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 10:01, 3 replies)

Mention of landladies below made me remember this, so time for a quick re-post before this closes:
Sometime around 1999/2000 I was stuck for money, so moved out of my nice flat in Balham to go and become a lodger while I re-financed. I knew the owner of the house through work, so thought it wouldn't be too bad. And, in fairness, despite very quickly finding out that she was rather desparetely lonely, once I'd set some boundaries, (No, I will not watch soap operas or be having dinner with you every evening. Or any evening actually) it wasn't too painful. Until her batty old Mum set fire to her own kitchen and had to move in with us. Suddenly the place became an asylum, the kitchen became a tip, the washing machine was never empty for me to use, there were clothes everywhere, I could barely cope. Worse. I'd hear strange noises and screams in the night. I'd get woken up at 4am and find all the lights on and the back door open.

I eventually decided that I had sorted out my finances enough to move on when I came home from the pub at closing time one night and found the insane old woman standing at the kitchen sink with her knickers round her ankles washing her old lady bits.

With the sponge we used for dishes.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 9:56, 1 reply)

Live in Land Ladies - Don't
I recently spent a couple of weeks with my landlady who was steadily going crackers. After endless rounds of trying to 'record everything', fake fits and general mania, I rang the police finally when she broke ALL the glasses in the house, crapped on the floor, pissed on the floor and ran round my room naked stating 'it wouldn't be rape'. I was huddled quivering in the corner praying for the insanity to stop.


Looking back it was probably the worst night of my life. I don't know mental health workers do it. I felt slightly out of sorts for days afterwards.

Length? She noted it was 'enough'
(skgorsky, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 9:36, 4 replies)

"Wake Up! You're Going To Be Late For School!!"
my Mum screamed at me as she burst into my bedroom at 8am last Tuesday.

"But Mum, I'm 33!" I groaned in reply. But then I had to laugh when I came to my senses - I'm a teacher...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 28 Jul 2011, 7:53, 8 replies)

01592 642600
These fuckwits have been ringing me every day for a few months now.
A different company name every week or so but its the same spiel
An offer of mega vouchers off for some kitchen fitting company for home owners.
Every time I say I dont own my home I get either an instant hang up or actual verbal abuse before the caller hangs up.
I once had to sit on my hands to stop me from calling them back to yell 'how dare they cold call me and then tell me to fuck off'
A google of this number shows I'm not the only one
I've politely ( through stiff upper lip and gritted teeth) told them to take my number out of their database and not waste my time or theirs to no avail.
Tonight I finally lost it
When the 'perky' woman called and said 'Hi *my name*' and started reading from her script , I went ballistic.
To hell with politeness, I think I got about 5 foul swear words out before she hung up on me.
When I slammed down the handset I was a bit bemused to see blood on it.
And then on my blouse
And then, oh its actually pouring out of my nose
Having had maybe 4 or 5 nosebleeds in my entire life this was a bit weird
While I was mopping up, the phone rang again
I didnt answer
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 2:00, 11 replies)

Complete and utter paranoia
Hello all and welcome to my first post. :)

From February to, well, only very recently, I've been convinced that someone is following me. I would leave the house and get to the train station. I'd wait at the platform for a few trains to go past to make sure that noone was spying on me. Sometimes I'd jump off at random stations and do the same thing before completing my journey. I'd take elaborate, long-winding routes to the station to make sure that nobody was following me. Towards the end I used to pack a rucksack with me. In that rucksack I'd have another change of clothes, another coat, another pair of shoes and, more importantly, another rucksack. I'd leave the house, go to a busy public toilet, swap everything around, leave the building by another door, go to the station and get on the train. Then I'd change it all around on the way home. This often left me struggling to hold back tears in public. The thing is I was convinced that someone was spying on me and despite all of my precautions they were winning and I was losing. I can't describe the sense of utter helplessness I'd feel and still often feel. The fear. I really thought I was going to lose it.

Why did I think someone was following me? Well just before Christmas somebody did hire a private detective to follow me. The consequences of what the private detective gave to his client has totally destroyed my life, my happiness and all sorts of other good things.

Yeah, I'm getting better. Oh, and don't worry. I didn't do anything illegal or dangerous nor was I cheating on my spouse. I don't have a spouse to cheat on. :)
(Smysha Tra la la!, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 1:21, 13 replies)

When I was little, I had a net bag with a tiny hole in the bottom.
Over time, the hole grew bigger. And it seemed to me, that whenever I filled the bag with small toy glass balls before leaving the house, that by the time I got round my friend's, I had less than when I set out.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 0:59, Reply)

Magic
Last night I picked up a bag of salad to put it in the fridge. By the time I got to the fridge, it had magically turned in to a dvd of the Shawshank Redemption.
(Tont, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 22:23, Reply)

First ever image post. Go easy on me.

(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 21:48, 9 replies)

contact lenses
I wear contacts, because I'm short sighted. No problem.

One morning I wake up bleary eyed, go to the bathroom and put my lenses in. That's odd, everything looks blurry like it normally does when I'm NOT wearing my lenses.

I put my glasses on and everything jumps into focus. What the fuck? I'm wearing contacts and glasses, and I can see more-or-less perfectly. Has my eyesite somehow magically corrected itself overnight?

I take my glasses off, and with no small amount of excitement, take out my contacts. Fuck me, my eyesite is fixed! I can see!

My eyes are feeling a bit scratchy though so I check out my eyes in the mirror. What the hell is going on? I look closer. What? I'm STILL wearing contacts? I check my case - I definitely took them out just then, they're in the case...

Then it dawns on me that I'd gone to bed forgetting to take my lenses out, and then in the morning I put a new pair in over the top of the old pair. And then my glasses on top of that...

I was ever so disappointed.
(inflateable, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 21:09, 1 reply)

About 4AM, I need a piss.
So, I get out of bed, check my room key is around my neck on its chain, and head downstairs to the communal toilet. I then take a much-needed piss and head home.
I exit through the front door and walk across the grass which seperates my friend's house from the identical student house I live in.
When I get there I put my key in the door and turn, no, actually, I try to turn. "Shit!", I grumble, as panic rises, "What's going on?!".
I try my key again, to no avail. I'm now starting to feel the cold autumn air against my skin, then I remember I'm only wearing my boxer shorts.
A moment of sheer panic when I wonder how the hell I'm going to get back in my room without the whole student village seeing me in my cruddy old boxers.
Then, like a dying but not-quite-dead animal my brain stirs a little and I think to myself "You fuckwit! You're standing outside the wrong house, that's why the keys don't work.".
I ran as quickly and silently as I could back across the grass to my house, unlocked the door, walked as swiftly as I could to my room and curled up to sleep.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 18:05, Reply)

I frequently cry wank.

(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 17:37, 4 replies)