stusut79
you crossed the streams. Sorry I misunderstood you, I thought if you did that you would not release the iron fist from the cupboard but would cause the WHOLE world to implode......sorry about your misreading of the situation, get it, have a nice day ok...
(blok3, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 5:54, Reply)

boerish
I had a discussion with a South African once that left me nonplussed. He was talking about the ideal woman:
"she's got to hev good ARSE!" he barked in this brutal Soweto-riot-policeman accent.
"She's got to be able to smile with her ARSE! and laugh with her ARSE!" he continued, in the sort of tone you'd imagine he'd use if he found a bunch of black people hiding in his airing cupboard.
Hmm, this is one kinky angry Boer, thinks I.


But he wasn't really. He was talking about her EYES.
(mudskipper, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 5:18, Reply)

FAO MissKittyKate1
Bloody hell, I feel your pain. I seem to be carrying a torch for a man who thinks "You can spend your brownie points however you like ;)" is his cue to send me a text about baked beans...
(SusK, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 1:00, Reply)

forest gate
A friend of mine was at a party in East London and totally off his head. Unable to drive home, he called for a cab. When my friend gave the dispatcher the address, he was asked "Is that Forest Gate?" to which my friend answered "Fire escape? I don't think there's a fire escape. Why do you care if there's a fire escape?"
(evil_twin, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 0:44, Reply)

Oh God, I just remembered!!!
When I was a toddler, a misunderstanding between "artistic" and "autistic" meant I was treated very weirdly by my childminder for over a year!
(knife_of_justice, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 0:31, Reply)

Chinese 5-spice
When I'd just moved to the US and before my London accent started to get diluted I had all kinds of trouble making myself understood. For me the funniest time was when I tried to buy some Chinese 5-spice mix from a local wholefood store. I'd looked at their spice section and couldn't see it, so I asked one of the shop assistants if they knew where it was. They never heard of it, which I thought was strange, but they said they'd help me look. We went over to the spice rack together, and the guy explained that the spices were in alphabetical order. I told him I'd realized that, but still couldn't find it. So he took a look and then apologised - there were no spices under J. "J?". "That's right sir. I'm afraid we don't have any Johnny's 5-spice".
( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 0:10, Reply)

More courier madness
I had a package to send to an address in St Leonards-On-Sea. I gave the address to the monkey on the other end of the phone:

"Can you spell it please?"

"Yes - S,T, space L,E,O,N,A,R,D,S hyphen O,N hyphen S,E,A."

"Ermmm.... How do you spell 'hyphen'?"

"... Can I speak to someone else, please?"
(simon shitting mason, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 23:49, Reply)

"You want WHAT in your coffee?!"
One time, three of my friends were sharing a student house in Norwich as they were all at the UEA. One of my friends, let's call him Andrew, is a bit of a coffee snob. He would percolate some good stuff and offer it around to the others.

One time he said, "I think I'll have a little cinnamon in my coffee".

My other friend Chris exploded with the line, "You want WHAT in your coffee?!". He had heard it as "I think I'll have a little semen in my coffee" and wondered why the hell Andrew would like that, or even how he found out that it adds a certain zest to the beverage.

I think they stopped laughing about an hour later, heh. The phrase "You want WHAT in your coffee?!" is often used as a general "Did you say what I think you said?!" comment even now, heh.




Also: I've got nothing against Stutz69, I just find his posts really really tedious and off topic. The purpose of these questions is for people to recount real life incidents that are interesting or amusing in some way. Maybe we need a 'Creative Writing With Shock Value of the week' section on here, what do you think?
(kiwanotree Meh, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 22:00, Reply)

Pox on you for an RAC call-centre drone.
I once had the misfortune to crash my motorcycle by riding over a diesel spill, and encounter a most annoying misunderstanding when trying to get the RAC out to assist. The telephone conversation went on for a few minutes, but the gist of it was:

Me: Please send a trailer to recover my bike, because I have crashed it.
Them: What's wrong with it?
Me: I've crashed it and it needs to be towed away.
Them: Is it rideable?
Me: No, I slipped on a diesel spill and sent it down the road. It's knackered.
Them: What's wrong with it?
Me: The handlebars are twisted, the radiator smashed and leaking and the gear lever broken off. Amongst other damage.
Them: We'll send someone out to look at it.
Me: Just send a trailer - the damage can't be fixed at the roadside.
Them: OK. Where are you.
Me: On the Axx, N miles outside such-and-such a city, outside $PUB.

An hour later (and it was raining) the repairman turned up without any trailer. He had not been told the road, only a pub name, and managed to guess where it was. He expressed great surprise at the state of the bike as he'd been told that the only problem with it was that it was leaking petrol. He went back to base for his trailer and took me home, and on the way back the bastards at RAC control 'phoned him up to complain that he was taking too long to fix my problem.
(knirirr, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 19:46, Reply)

Not me, Mrs. God
So there I was at Mrs God's, just home from work and relaxing. She had Radio 1 on, quite loudly, as was her wont. Suddenly, like an icicle piercing my heart, my mobile rings, with the ex-missus' name on the display. "****!" thinks I.

At this point occurs a misunderstanding. Mrs God shouted a helpful message of assistance from the kitchen. "Fair point!" I think, with a wry smile borrowed from James Bond.

I sort out something about would I look after little one with no notice nor thought about what I might have arranged by saying 'No.'

Then I return to the kitchen, where Mrs. God is lighting up one side of the world with her smile. "Good advice there, honey!" I observe.

Turns out that I'd misunderstood. She'd said "Turn the music off if you want." Not what I heard, which was "Tell that bitch to fuck off if you want."

How we laughed!
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 19:32, Reply)

Deaf Grandparents!
My Grandad was shouting at my Nan "Where's the tape?" and she was shouting back from the kitchen "What are you talking about, we haven't got any cake!" This went on for a full 5 minutes before they realised what each other was actually saying! I think my grandparents are going a bit deaf. And then to top it off they started blaming each other for not speaking properly.
(snakes44, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 19:26, Reply)

There was a patient
...who had to have a colonoscopy. For those who don't know what that is, it is in effect a long thin tube with a camera at one end, which enables the operator to see the entire length of the colon. In order to have a good view, unobscured by poo, we give patients something called Klean Prep; the world's finest laxative, just two notches down from a vicious curry.

Klean prep has to be given in three parts; three sachets, one sachet dissolved in 1 litre of water, each litre imbibed 4 hours apart. Unsurprisingly, it has to be given where there is a toilet close by, and in the case of this patient, since he was an in-patient, I explained to him that although he could walk around the hospital, he shouldn't really stray too far away, as it was all going to come out.

He somehow misinterpreted 'don't go too far away from the hospital' as 'able to go out of the hospital, to another hospital on the tube, which has no loos, 20 mins away, for an appointment totally unrelated to his current admission'. I then received a bleep from a rather confused, if not irate nurse who then informed me, after telling me that he had gone off site, that he had already had his first litre of the Klean prep.

'Well then, ' I said, 'he's just about to find out what "being discharged against medical advice" truly means...'

He returned later that day, bent over double, drip stand in hand, heading to the toilet. I now make it absolutely clear to patients about what Klean prep actually does to them...
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 18:22, Reply)

weird egyptians
Was out visiting my sister in Egypt when she was teaching English in Cairo. Travelled a bit for a weeks holiday with her and ended up in Luxor. We went to a fairly nice restaraunt and ordered drinks, but my sisters request for an Iced Tea got a look of incomprehension, so we repeated it....The drink arrived shortly after and it was indeed a cup of steaming hot tea with 2 ice cubes in it. Gah. He just didnt understand you say? THEY SELL CANS OF LIPTON ICED TEA AT EVERY BLIMMIN STREET CORNER...still, most amusing :0)
(Dreadful Scathe, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 17:40, Reply)

slightly off topic but...
just went to get a glass of water and in the tea room, two suited twunts are talking about something or other using words like "critical mass" and "referenceability". And no, i dont work with nuclear weapons.

I must have misunderstood the "ability to communicate ideas to all levels" part of the interview. Apparently it was "listen to people spout pointless buzzwords like the nobjockeys they truly are and control your compulsion to kick them in the head"

Point to self - never turn ipod off in future.
(inspoken, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 17:06, Reply)

Birthing Tourettes
During my 3rd hour of final stage labour while trying to give birth to my 10lb son, my patience ran out and I turned my frustration on my husband by shouting "Get the FUCK out!".

He to this day thinks that I was yelling at our yet-to-be-born baby, and stubbornly stayed in the room, much to my further annoyance.

As I repeated myself several times, getting louder and louder, he got all embarrassed at my 'potty mouth' and tried to calm me down by patting my hand. I almost punched him.
(Peelmytangerines, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 16:54, Reply)

My boy, that jolly well is NOT Guinness.
My family and my best mates family had just been seated in a famous hight street fish restaurant. Now, as the banter flowed the waitress of Eastern European origin waddled up to our table to ask for our drinks order.

We decided that at the same time we'd order some snack type things to tide us over. We go round the table ordering and finally get to my best mates father. He asks for a Guinness, as you do, and also he'd like some shallots in vinegar. Fair enough say we all, the waitress repeats his order looking mighty confused but we presume thats cause she cannot speak a word of English except for whats on the menu.

After much time our drinks arrive.

As BM's father takes a much anticipated sip from his pint he immediately sprays it over the whole table, which is nice. It is then that we notice that there are ACTUAL white balls floating in his 'pint'.

The stupid cow had topped up the pint with ACTUAL vinegar and shallots.

The worst thing was that the barman was English and had not questioned the order at all.

Now if that's not a misunderstanding then I don't what is.

(This is 100% true. Fact)
(Spoil Me please, oh, please, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 16:52, Reply)

My garbage is trashed
[told this one before, but it's a goodie!]

I grew up smack dab in the middle of the US, then got a job deep in the Heart of Dixie.

I called the city to ask on which days they picked up the trash.

Southern belle's reply: "Same day we get y'all's garbage."

Err...

[edit: "garbage" here is plain old rubbish, coffe grounds, wrappers, etc. while "trash" is yard waste like grass clippings and leaves]
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 16:45, Reply)

My worst misunderstood moment...
...was when I'd met this girl down the pub, a friend of a friend of a friend - so gorgeous, she was, i thought "damn she's fine, a bit outa my league though". Anyway to cut a long story short medium length, it turned out after meeting her a few times, that she fancied me too... WOOHOO!!!! and we had a drunken snog outside the pub (all romantic like), exchanged phone numbers etc (then probably went home and had a AHEM.. wank).

So a few days later, after a long hard day at work... and a fat spliff afterwards to relax... she phoned! My heart started beating fast, nervous yet excited, my head was doing sumersaults... We started chatting, or rather she did while I tried to get my stoned and fatigued head in gear and in the end, rather than just being as quiet as a mouse I decided to explain to her in a short n' witty comment why I was so quiet...

...unfortunately for me, the words that actually came out of my mouth were:

"..I was in a good mood 'til you phoned.."

being as i was, i completely didnt realise what i'd said and the phone call lasted about another 20 seconds.. and that was the end of that.

doh!
(A Hospital Carpark, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 16:25, Reply)

Misunderstood? No, just fuc*king stupid.
My mate thought the local school got closed down because they found domestos in the walls.
Asbestos, fanny-baws.
He thought Swans could not fly.
He thought Antiques were made in a factory, as in "new" antiques were assembled there, then sold.
He thought the ANC were a South African rap group.
Fair play to him though, he makes a better living than I do. Its how he makes a living that raises doubts. “Medical testing? Is it really safe?” he asked.
No mate, it’s not. That’s why they pay you. It’s also why you've have grown a tail.
(Jeeves, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 16:23, Reply)

stop that thief!
i was little and i walked past a white van with the sign: SHOPFITTERS


I had to do a double take as I was half way saying to my dad

"Dad! Look! Shoplifters parked on....err."
(an2knee, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 16:18, Reply)

SHAG!
When i was 17, at 6th Form Collage ball I managed to upset a couple of girls, one of which I was literally an inch away to getting off with. It was set in a nightclub in Colchester, a crappy one where loads of squaddies go and start fights.

She asks me my name. I shout "SHAK". She gives me an odd look that and says 'what?'. "SHAAAAK"! I reply. Then they ran away.

Annoyed by this, it later dawned on me that my name sounds very close to SHAG in a nightclub, and this fit girl seemed to think I was asking for one within 1 minute of meeting her,

Not my finest hour.



Mein Pimmel ist Grosse!
(radio_shak has questions, got answers, on, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 16:17, Reply)

Alcohol!
I must have been around five or six at that time...
I was with my parents and a few of their friends in some german wine district one summer. I think it was the Mosel Valley or something.
anyway they brought me along to a Wine tasting session at a castle where they made the stuff. While the guide was giving a bit of a speach about the history of the place the participants where given a full glass of red wine each, to have something to do while listening to him I guess. I didn't get one since I was a kid, but my mom got one.
the thing about my mom is that she doesn't drink alcohol (she takes a lot of medication due to a medical condition). I knew this, and I assumed that the guide knew this. So who was the extra glass for? why...me of course, I concluded
I grabbed the glass and stood in the back and drank it. after a while my mom turned around to see how I was doing, and saw me standing there with an empty glass....very relaxed.....
I remember my mothers look, and that some of my parents friends found it all very funny.

my first taste of hard liquor was due to another misunderstanding the following summer. but I'll get into that later.
( The little pink animal is mostly harmless, except on, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 15:57, Reply)

Ahhh, you're such a sweaty-pie.
Being disgustingly dyslectic, and a having a spelling age of 12 (I’m 24) has brought about it's fair share of written word misunderstanding. For example, I quite often used to leave notes for my mother telling I was off for a ride on my dyke (I meant bike)
Though my favourite, I had a girlfriend of many years, and used to send sickeningly soppy texts. Instead of "sweetie-pie" or " sweet dreams” I would write " sweaty-pie", "Sweat heart" and "sweat dreams". I only found out what I was really writing to her after we broke up. She had thought that I was doing it on purpose. It says allot about that relationship. She was a bit of a "sweaty-pie" though........ And yes, I do now know the difference, you sweaty bitch.
Any way, good night, and sweat dreams.
(Jeeves, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 15:53, Reply)

misunders-van-ding
As I was leaving work the other day in Bristol I saw a van with 'Beaver Maintenance' written on the side*

Imagine my suprise when the driver seemed very irate to find me inside with my legs in the air, expecting to have my quim sorted out with a nice wash, trim and a brush up.**

It seems he cuts down trees for a living*.

*very true

**not true at all. Honest.

thanks to battra (and my beaver) for t'inspiration.
(clapper, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 15:26, Reply)

Misunderstood
Well, more misunderstanding on my behalf really - I saw this big van going down the road with Satan's Removals painted on the side. Blimey, thought I - that's a bit harsh and looked more closely. Disappointingly it was actually Stan's Removals.
(Battra, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 15:06, Reply)

a stained deck
Being a kiwi living in America I am frequently misunderstood. A classic example was when my flatmate (or as they would have it, roommate) decided to stain the outside deck. It turned out this nasty brown colour, which we had mocked him about.
So when his mate came round, I asked him casually what did he think of Rob's deck. He looked at me in horror and incomprehension, so I clarified myself. 'He stained it'. This didn't help much and I finally clicked, that he heard 'dick' rather than deck due to my accent.
(toffee pop, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 15:01, Reply)

Bloody Parents
When I was off on my travels a while back I was out of contact with my family for a few months. When I got back, I headed for the family pile and put my key in the door expecting to have my family greet me with crys of joy.

But then I walked into my front room to find a family of complete strangers sitting there! My family had moved and not told me.

I don't think this was really a misunderstanding - I think they planned it.....

Bastards!

And Stuts79 - get in touch with me via e-mail old bean - my addy is in my profile.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 14:56, Reply)

Legless
Sorry about that! I read on an old post (I can't remember who wrote it) that you had apparently been banned. I became quite upset by this and attempted to quickly contact you to find out if this was true.

It would appear that, in my haste, I posted on someone else's journal. I am terribly sorry. I don't really have any experience with online journals and I thought it would reach you directly. If you could pass my most sincere apologies on to the person I contacted by mistake I would greatly appreciate it.

Anyway, I am very pleased to see that you are still around. This really has been one great big misunderstanding, the likes of which one would only really expect from an unplanned encounter between a sexually confused humpback whale and a claustrophobic she-chimp travelling in opposite directions between Stevenage and South Shields while attempting to communicate with their own deceased ancestors by bleating into a hideously malformed...sorry. I'm getting carried away again.

*Keep 'em short, Stu. Keep 'em short*
(stusut79, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 14:04, Reply)

not sure if this counts...
but was in cologne (germany) with a couple of pals...

Phoned one to find out where he was one particular evening as we had arranged to meet but no sign of him...for the sake of this story lets call him 'twat' because that's his name

Me: where are you... any landmarks or anything?
Twat: hang on - there's a road name up here... come and find me - its called 'einbahnstrasse'
Me: That translates as 'one way street'

*sigh*
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 13:41, Reply)

Sister asks...
...'Shall we meet in town after lunch?'

Mum replies

'Sausages'

Her reason was something like 'I was looking at the dog'


Hmmm
( beefandcheese, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 13:18, Reply)