ahem...
I went into a Hardware store the other day to get some nails and saw two men a Mr Barker and a Mr Corbett having this repartee and it went something like this....

BARKER: Four Candles!
CORBETT: Four Candles?
BARKER: Four Candles.
(Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)
BARKER: No, four candles!
CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles!
BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!
(Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next?
BARKER: Got any plugs?
CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs?
BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom.
(Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter)
CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size?
BARKER: Thirteen amp!
CORBETT (muttering): It's electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs!
(He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away)
BARKER: Saw tips!
CORBETT: Saw tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that?
BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws.
CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next?
BARKER: 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's?
BARKER: 'O's.
(He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's! I thought you said 'O! (he takes the hose back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's!
(He places the hose onto the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty 'o's, panty 'o's! (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him)
BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's!
CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there!
(He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's)
CORBETT: How many d'you want?
BARKER: Two.
(Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter)
CORBETT: Yes, next?
BARKER: Got any P's?
CORBETT (fed up): For Gawd' sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want?
BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas!
CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on?
BARKER: I'm not!
(Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas)
CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next?
BARKER: Got any pumps?
CORBETT (getting really fed up): 'And pumps, foot pumps? Come on!
BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps!
CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere.
(He puts the pump down on the counter)
BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine!
CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on!
BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not!
CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next?
BARKER: Washers!
CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?
BARKER: 'Alf inch washers!
CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there!
JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two?
(He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!)

GOODBYE TO ONE OF THE BEST MEN IN COMEDY

no need to apologise for length im sure you all feel the same so its worth it.

Richard x
(Four String Demon, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 18:58, Reply)

Weird.
Looking around a secondhand shop for some good shit, and finding none, I went to leave the shop just as some bloke was coming in. As he came in, he said to me:

Man: Swordfish?
Me: (confused) Ehh???
Man: (hopefully) Swordfish?
Me: Sorry, I don't work here!

Remember kids, the best comeback to a non-sequitur is another just like it.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Derren Brown.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 18:19, Reply)

The Matrix - Misunderstood
Was on holiday in Cornwall and we decided to perform The Matrix to a friend. Almost at the end, the agents had been defeated and there was a very loud knocking at the door.

Neighbour: "I'm Adrian, I'm Adrian" (very angry)
Me: "Hello Adrian. Why are you telling me that?"
Neighbour: "How dare you, I'm Adrian"
My mate: "He's saying he's *Asian*, not Adrian"
Neighbour: "You racists. You've been laughing about shooting Asians all evening! I'm Asian!"
My mate: "We're not racists; I'm half-Irish half-Australian!"
Me: "Agents! We've been shooting Agents, NOT Asians! Have you never seem The Matrix?"

Apparently he had not.

dirtylegs
(mrdirtylegs, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 17:54, Reply)

stusut79
i think i am misunderstanding the debate here.

whilst personally i think stusut rocks (not least because whatever else his prose is, it is very well written), if i hated it so much that it made my eyeballs bleed, i would just... not read it! simply scroll past it. as many b3tans probably do with mine.

so what's the problem?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 17:45, Reply)

This happened a few weeks ago
I was heading to the bustation with 2 mates after going to the cinema when this near middle age Polish bloke comes along asking for directions. After trying to explain many times I suggest we take him to street where the bar he was looking for is as it was only a few meters away. He thanks us by kissing each hand, and just before he gets to me A car comes zooming towards us (its a perdestrian road so it was unexpected) and I try to push him out the way. Instead of thinking im trying to save his life, he kisses me full on the mouth and I manage to run away quickly highly embaressed and proceeded to get the piss taken out of me all the way home
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 17:40, Reply)

Cross cultural differences
I'll never forget my first trip to San Francisco and teh look on the barman's face when I asked if there was a fag machine anywhere.

Could have been worse, I might have asked for 20 fags.
(paxvobiscum, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 17:22, Reply)

Yet another phone one...
Back in the day me and my mate Dave had a running gag where we'd answer the phone as a made-up business with a rhyming tagline. I think it originated from an episode of the Simpsons.

So time and time again he'd ring me or I'd ring him to be greeted with something along the lines of:

"Archibald's Taxidermy - they snuff it, we stuff it"

or

"Necrophilia Unlimited - you slay it, we lay it"

It kept us amused but it's difficult to keep coming up with new ones and, being the childish cock-monkeys we were they just kept getting more and more filthy.

You can already see where this one is going can't you.....?

Anyway inspiration hit me one day and I wrote one down ready for the next time Dave phoned. Lo and behold a few days later my phone rings and the display flashes "Dave:home".

In my best "I run a business" voice I answer it thus:

"Slim Jim's Quim Trim - you grow it, we mow it" and start giggling to myself.

I sensed something was wrong when there was no laughter from the other end and things got rather worse when a very female and not-at-all-Dave voice asked "Mark? Is that you? I'm looking for Dave".

Yup. I'd just asked my best mate's mum if she wanted her quim trimmed.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 17:21, Reply)

The tricky jargon filled world of public service
It's a whole different world and a different language when you work for the public. I hadn't long been at a *huge* local authority, just working as a temp, when I received a call for someone in my office from a... water sports officer? I nervously called out to my colleague if she wanted to speak to this odd person, to be greeted by peals of laughter.

Apparently, the title I was after was "Ward Support Officer"
(Cryptoprocta has abandoned the username of Voodoo Mary, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 17:13, Reply)

I don't think he did it on purpose but....
I used to work with a bloke called Mark who never listened properly to anyone which resulted in some fantastic if not that amusing mishearings.

Other bloke: "I was really shocked and embarrassed"
Mark: "What? you were putting lead shot in barrow's!" wtf?

Me about another colleague who was away on holiday with his wife: "He's gone to Cyprus with Jan"
Mark: "What? He's gone cycling round Japan!"

Like I said I don't think he did it on purpose, and sometimes it was funny, but christ its annoying when you have to repeat yourself all the time.
(El Cabron, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 17:07, Reply)

How could I be misunderstood.
My Name is Geoff

Geoff Understood.

that's Mrunderstood to you


/coat
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 16:29, Reply)

Mmm tasty!
A few years ago I used to work in a cafe. I was manning the bakery when this old dear came in. She toddle up to the counter and asked me, with a completely straight face, for some semen rolls! No I had to try my hardest not to laugh in her face at the thought of what she'd just asked. I eventually worked out she wanted sesame seed rolls. the worst thing was she had absolutely no idea that what she said was wrong! She must have lived a very sheltered life!
(Delilah Papillon, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 16:23, Reply)

cockney rhyming slang
and another of my northern monkey family to fall foul of the whole london thing: my brother announced to me yesterday that he was a bit "mutton deaf".

"a bit what?" i said in disbelief.

"mutton deaf. you know. like a - er - sheep with - er..." he trailed off under my scorn.

"mutt and jeff, you thick twat" was about as kind as i got.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 16:20, Reply)

language barrier
my parents have a house in spain. most of the neighbours are spanish, but one year the neighbour at number 6 let his house to an english family from london for the summer. bear in mind we are good yorkshire/manchester stock and my dad has the accent to prove it.

so this family have two girls, one of 12 and one of 14. my dad was struggling to make conversation with them about their favourite pop groups and the weather, not having much in common with teenage girls. eventually he came back in looking a bit shocked and said to me and my friend:

"have you ever heard of a pop group called BASTARD?"

so that would be BUSTED with a london accent then, dad...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 16:16, Reply)

We've caught loads
I went fishing with some friends at a local lake, I’m not a fisherman, nor will I ever be, it was more of an excuse to get strunk whilst sitting somewhere nice. Anyway, this women walking her dog comes over to us and declares ‘there is no fish in here’ to which I responded ‘I beg to differ, we’ve caught loads’ She looked a little pissed off and continued walking, when it finally clicked, ‘no fish in here’ was actually ‘no fishing here’
( toadfish, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 16:11, Reply)

The Doric in Aberdeen
Doric is the local version of Scots spoken in Aberdeen, I come from 120 miles away and somtimes it's inpenetrable.

Up here a boy child is called a loon and a girl is a quine french connection knows why.
cue a few years ago at the hospital an english white settler in hysterics when the local nurse announces "you've got a braw wee loonie" when the ankle biter pops out.

tip never ask a woman "when its due" unless you can actually see the head popping out and sometimes not even then
(montyzuma, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 16:06, Reply)

I was in a baker's shop in Glasgow the other week...*
And I asked "Is that a cake or a meringue?"

The baker said "No you're right: it's a cake"

Oh how I laughed**


* - no I wasn't
** - no I didn't
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 15:23, Reply)

I'm not gay... honest.
At a friend of the Mrs' birthdays a couple of weeks back. We'd swigged a bottle of vino before we went down there. One of her (male) friends had brought along his new boyfriend. To whom I was introduced shaking his hand he came right up to me, assuming he was doing the, ahem, lady like thing I kissed him on the cheek, not noticing his slightly stunned look, he pulled out and went for the other cheek (how continental!? I thought), so yep - kissed him on the other cheek. Timing it to perfection - just as the music dropped -"I was only asking you name" says he - "what do you think I am??" ooh dear oh dear, had to have a sit down at the bar for a little while in embarrasment.

length or girth - NO THANKS!
(GBDennis, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 14:52, Reply)

bless the scotch
When I worked in a hardware shop a guy with a fearsome Scottish accent asked me for a "may strap". We had all kinds of straps, but I'd never heard of may straps.

After much puzzlement the gentleman explained that he wanted a may strap to catch mace (mice) with.
(ottaky, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 14:25, Reply)

weirdcokechick...
i humbly beg your forgiveness, it would appear jumping to the incorrect yet seemingly obvious conclusions based on the half facts i had was the wrong thing to do.

Sorry.

But i still think Jordan serves as a living, breathing warning to all of womanhood though :)
(inspoken, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 14:21, Reply)

i once went up to an ice cream van for a coke,
and i got given a cone full of ice cream.
it wasn't funny whatsoever.
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 14:19, Reply)

Gyms are stupid
I decided it was time for me to join a gym. I ring up my local gym (which happens to be part of a bloody big university) and ask them for an appointment with sumone to organise a "schedule" or wotever it is.

the guy on the line sounded like a good bloke so i asked him if my instructor could be (i quote) "a chick". what does he give me. he gets me sum guy called Rick.

Dumbass
( faultykyle, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 13:49, Reply)

Mistaken idendity
Recently someone stopped me in the street and asked how I was doing. I said "pretty good, how are you" and he laughed and said "well you know me!" (I didn't). He said "Are you playing cricket next week?" and I replied that I wasn't. He said "ah well, see you back in the office this afternoon". He must have had a funny conversation with my doppelganger later on.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 13:44, Reply)

The chat up line that never was.
Back in March 2004 I'd just split up from my wife and had been spending a few weekends down in Ashbourne (near Derby) with my best mate Mike and his local friends. On one particularly drunken evening, we wandered into The Greeen Man, a local bar that had a huge function room at the rear which doubled up as the infamous 'Green Man Disco'. (Possibly the worst club you've ever been to) Mike was doing his best to keep me entertained and was introducing me to dozens of people in each bar we visited, including The Green Man. As we staggered up to the bar, Mike gathered the female bar staff and began introducing me to them. We decided that it was time for Tequila, so I asked Mike's barmaid friend for "Three shots of Tequila please". She stood and stared at me for a what seemed like an eternity, then screamed "I'VE GOT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND!" and stormed off. I went bright red as Mike and his mates collapsed on the floor laughing. Mike composed himself and called her back over. She came back, looking like she was spoiling for a fight and we asked her what her problem was and said all I'd asked for was Tequila. The penny dropped, she went very red and ran off crying. A few minutes later, a very apologetic bar manager appeared with Tequila and said "Sorry about that mate, it's probably best you don't know what she thought you said". We got a free round out of it, but to this day we still have no idea what the mad bint thought I'd said.
(The Graduate Adding to the confusion since 1974, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 13:36, Reply)

Eating with my ex-wife
I asked her to pass the salt, but she heard "You've ruined my life, you fucking lazy bitch".

To this day I'm not sure what I actually said.
(FiftyFour, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 13:32, Reply)

How I got my new coat
Once upon a time I was invited clubbing by some friends. It was only after I'd beaten 13 baby seals to death that I realised my mistake!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 13:25, Reply)

loogabarooga
Once there was these overweight mercans who asked if they could go to loogabarooga, I couldn't believe it!!! what a misunderstanding!! hold on haven't we been here before?
(lincolnsmithvstheblackprince I'm up to my knees in lionel here, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 13:13, Reply)

Translation
A colleague and her friends were recently robbed of their possesions whilst on holiday in Spain, by means of a clever roadside scam. They had to go to the local police station and make a report- as they spoke no Spanish and the Spanish police spoke very little English, it was a bit of a trial for all concerned.

They had to produce this statement and report to customs officials (as their passports had been taken) and the police back home (for insurance purposes). They were met with incredulous laughter whenever it was read.

The report stated that they had been robbed by 3 children dressed as policeman carrying suitcase and driving a Robin Reliant.

edit: P.S. I heart Stusut.
(clapper, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 13:05, Reply)

Teletext Headline
There was a headline on the news yesterday on Irish Teletext:

"Birdflu Case found in Turkey"

Made me giggle...
(Bobo148, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 12:53, Reply)

When I worked in a large nightclub in Blackpool
a guy came to the bar and asked if we sold pills. I said "yes, they are on offer - only £1."
He asked for 4 of them, so I got 4 bottles of Holsten Pills from the fridge. He laughed and gave me a fiver. Then he said "Not them sort of pills - the other sort of pills."
So I pointed him towards a big bloke in a suit in the corner. He left his bottles on the counter and walked over to the bloke in the suit. He spoke into his ear, then there was a bit of banter then BAM! the bloke in the suit threw him out of the fire door - head first. The guy in the suit was the head doorman. I re-capped the pills and put them on ice for the end of the night.
Job well done.

edit: Just remebered another one when working in the same club.

There had been a national deaf and dumb conference (sorry if that is not what it's called) in Blackpool, so there were lots of deaf people in the nighclub. A nice young lady came to the bar and said "Bat-watz-er". I politely said to her "sorry we don't sell Budweiser". Then again she said "Bat-watz-er". And I again told her we didn't sell burweiser. Then she said louder, "Bat-watz-er!", and I told her we didn't sell it. This went on a couple more times, getting louder each time. I got fed up of being polite, so I got a piece of paper from the back of the bar and a marker pen and wrote:

WE DON'T SELL BLOODY BUDWEISER!

she grabbed the pen off me, turned the paper over and wrote:

GOOD FOR YOU! BUT I WANT A BOTTLE OF WATER!

I felt this big
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|
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( swaza I'm bad, I'm bad. You know it. I'm bad., Mon 10 Oct 2005, 11:38, Reply)