Long words and the like
It was my turn to misunderstand. I was trying to help out our receptionist with her crossword and we were stuck on a long word for which the clue read: Pre-flood.

Not knowing what it was, I returned to my desk (they tend to notice if you disappear for too long). A second later, my phone rang. It was our receptionist.

Reception: "Andy Diluvian"
Me: "Who?"
R: "Andy Diluvian"
M: "No, sorry, no idea who he is. Tell him to ring customer support."
R: "Andy Diluvian, that's the word!"
M: "The what?"

Of course, the word was antediluvian, meaning before the Biblical flood. I did feel very stupid.
(Mr Evian, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 13:13, Reply)

Granny Licks Yours!
When I was a student, I had a part time job in Woolworths. My boss was telling me about some old granny who had walked right up to him and announced, "Lick yours!"

He was obviously rather shocked by this and asked her to repeat that... she simply said, "Lick yours". Just those two distinct words... nothing else.

It took a few minutes of confusion (followed by quite some time of stifled giggling) to work out that she was after chocolate liquors...
( Beastie is doing science with his arse, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 13:01, Reply)

Legless I think Stutz69 has misunderstood you...
...mainly because you posted that you had been banned on your blog! What else was he to think?!
(Mad McMad, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 12:49, Reply)

I once attended A Motorhead concert

In between two songs Lemmy shouted "The best paintings are Jackson Pollock's!" at approximately 120db. All my friends thought he had shouted something else.
(roysin, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 12:34, Reply)

Stutz69
Seems to think I'm banned from B3ta. I'm not.

Just my last few QOTWs have been crap and I haven't had time to write anything for this week! Stutz69 has posted a message on somebody elses Livejournal asking about me but, by some massive fluke, she happened to know me and passed on the message that he was asking after me!

What a misunderstanding!

Cheers!
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 12:24, Reply)

I went to uni in Wales.
Some English friends were coming to visit one day and got lost en route. They phoned me up and said, "We're at a town called Gwasanaethau. How do we get to your place from here?"

Gwasanaethau is Welsh for 'services'.
(Pachey, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 12:03, Reply)

Memory jogged by painreliever's story...
For a short, unhappy time, I worked for Abbey (then National), just as they were taking over N&P. So I started at an N&P branch, where they had open counters.

A very angry man came in, bypassed the queue of people and marched up to my counter. He shouted, "Do you mind f*ing telling me why my f*ing card doesn't work in your f*ing machine?" At this point, he rudely flicked the card across the counter and it slid to a halt right in front of me. Whilst he continued to rant and rave, and everyone in the branch watched and waited, I look at the card and had one of those glorious moments of impending victory.

When he had finished swearing, I pushed the card back across to him with the tip of my pen and said sweetly (but very loudly), "Sir, this is your BT chargecard. Perhaps you'd like to try your cashcard instead." To his credit, he blushed and said, "I look like a bit of twat, don't I?" I just smiled.
( thealternativefact, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 11:37, Reply)

er
While playing Grand Theft Auto, my Grandpa was amazed my the graphics on my "Playboy"
(davefromkent, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 10:57, Reply)

language pedant
Many QOTW posters seem to have misunderstood what the word 'disinterested' means. It means impartial e.g. the judge is disinterested in the outcome of the trial.

The word you're looking for is uninterested.

Complaints/abuse? Bite me, I don't care.
( djtrialprice, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 10:13, Reply)

Directions
Once, very shortly after having moved house, I was trying to direct a friend to my new place.

He was on foot, about half a mile from me. Close to where he was, there is a Co-Op.

Well, actually there are two co-ops, but one is the foodstore type and the other is the department store type. They are directly opposite each other.

Of course I end up using this as a landmark in my directions, telling my mate to "Stand with your back to the co-op and turn right 90 degrees and walk that way"

Of course I was thinking myself of the brightly coloured and *obvious* food outlet, whereas my friend had latched onto the front of the the drab and infinitely less prominent department store. Which as a result, made him turn in completely the wrong direction.

He ended up miles away. The shouting got quite heated at some points, both of us totally convinced that the other was at fault.

When we finally realised where we had gone wrong, we were creased up laughing for ages.

The "half mile journey" took two hours......
(Evil_Bill, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 9:37, Reply)

I've just realised...
...that this week's Question is about times when you've been utterly misunderstood.

When you've been utterly misunderstood.

And I've been posting stories about when I've utterly misunderstood someone else.

Arse.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 8:53, Reply)

not me..
but my old man. a few years back he went into a local pharamcy for some earex (i think it's otex now....) The young girl behind the counter was organizing a lady's prescrpition, but asked what my father would want.

dad: " can you show me where the earex is please?"
woman: (looking down at the floor, mumbling and pointing)"on that shelf.....the shelf...there"

my dad went to look, but couldn't see the earex anywhere. He once again asked her, and she repeated the same thing. he went back to where she was pointing, looked and laughed out loud. He went back to the counter, and said

"look, I don't know what you think of me, but I already have a son and daughter, it's a bit late for durex"
the girl went absolutely red and as very apologetic. then the lady who was waiting for her prescripton piped up "it's you who needs the earex love, go get yourself a bottle". the girl ran off! hahahaha
(rainmaker is 98% lurker., Tue 11 Oct 2005, 8:53, Reply)

i misunderstood
I used to work in an animal shelter. For the most part I did the glamour jobs-- picking up dog shit, feeding animals, picking up cat shit, sticking them with those giant microchipping needles, picking up more dog shit, hosing off the floors where I picked up the dog shit. It was a great job.

One weekend the adoption staff was short-handed. A family (man, woman, small child) came in wanting to see the dogs, and I was enlisted to show them around and answer questions. What perplexed me was the man's insistent question, "Do you have people?" I must have looked confused because he repeated, "We are looking for people." He must have asked me five or six times to "see some people," before I twigged to the fact that "pit bull" in a heavy spanish accent sounds just like "people."

I had to tell him we didn't have any pit bulls for adoption, and they went away. Probably for the best.


Edit: All I want from stusut79 is to know what "stusut79" means. It's driving me crazy.

postEdit: Half-intelligent Americans hate George Bush more than anyone outside America. Just for the record. Hate. So much.

( madrabbit is fully prepared, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 8:20, Reply)

Fluff
My Mum told me that she'd heard that the children who'd killed Jamie Bulger had been watching fluff movies.

Also my Auntie anounced at a christmas party that she'd had a dildo rail fitted around the lounge

Swap for snuff and dado rail respectively
(lawlam, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 7:07, Reply)

AND not OR
I used to be a pedophile, see, and I was dating a small child. Once we were playing pool at the pub (perfectly prettily in pink pumpkins) and I went to the bar to get our usual - a beer for me and a Coke with raspberry syrup in it for him.

Cue me yelling at the barmaid (it's a band venue, so it's over music as well as chatting) "One beer, and a raspberry and coke."

She yells "Do you mean raspberry AND coke?" Yes, I nod.

She comes back with a beer, a coke, and a glass of raspberry softdrink. "Sorry" I yell, "I meant raspberry AND coke."

Baby got his coke with raspberry in it. After we broke up the little cnut stole my copy of Rum, Sodomy and the Lash. If you're reading this Cameron, get fucked.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 7:04, Reply)

Not my story, but...
My husband was once told by a pastor he knew about a trip he took to Mexico. The pastor was preaching one night in a village full of fishermen, and he was trying to tell the congregation that "the wages of sin"--pecado in Spanish--"is death". Problem is, instead of pecado, he used pescado, "fish". Then, meaning to ask if there were any sinners--pecadores--he proceeded to call all the pescadores--fishermen--to repent and give up their evil ways, to turn from fishing, etc. The church was filled with a bunch of confused guys, convinced that this pastor was telling them that God would strike them down for being fishermen. Eventually, the mistake was found out, and last my husband heard, these guys were still teasing the pastor about it.
(meeezalch, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 4:19, Reply)

Tourists...
I may have posted this story before on B3ta but what the hell...

On an alcohol based trip to Dublin earlier this year with my friends, a middle aged couple approached me. They were wearing brown leather boots, caps and red shirts with yellow check. Yes... they were Americans (no offence)

As annoying as many people as possible with our Yorkshire accents had been the order of the day, I decided to have a little fun with the innocent Yanks:

[American Woman] Excuse me, do you know where the xxx bus goes?
[me] Eee, sorry love, I are't from Dublin.
[American] Ohh, where are you from?
[me] Am from t'England!
[American] Tengland? Where's that?
[me] Just over't sea from t'Ireland!
[American] Ohh Thailand! In Asia!

Not many of you will know what I look like, but I certainly don't look Oriental!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 2:33, Reply)

When i went to peru,
I was quite looking forward to my stay in Arequipa, apparently famed for its incredible beauty. it sounded like a lovely place.
imagine my surprise when i got there:
the phrase "a beautiful city," in the guidebooks was obivously actually supposed to mean "one big red light district where everybody either wants to sell you knives or steal your knives."

the main square was nice though.
(Slurpy The Frog, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 0:39, Reply)

One of my old man's french teachers...
...had quite a reputation for making funny comments unintentionally.

1 - When the class was talking - "Every time I open my mouth, some fool speaks!"

2 - "Now watch the blackboard while I run through it"
(uncle_bob, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 23:32, Reply)

deaf folk are best
down one of the local boozers theres a deaf chap called dave who is fun to chat with as he lip reads quite well but after hes had a few he gets well off the point . . .

me: so dave have you seen any good movies lately ?

dave: well I normally have ommlettes on thursdays . . .

and I could go on . . .
(The Cats Twat, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 23:08, Reply)

Misunderstood alright.
When I text Sgt. S on Saturday night offering myself on a plate to him, he clearly misunderstood me. He must have thought I had text 'Ignore me please, I love it' instead.

I'm glad I realised it has all been a misunderstanding as I was begining to wish I was dead!
(MissKittyKate1, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 23:05, Reply)

While preparing to roast chicken in the oven,
my sister and I were given instructions as to what to do with the white meat and the dark meat.

Regrettably, my mother (who is the actual misunderstood party in this case) used the terms "breasts" and "thighs". She did not realize, until it was far too late - that is, until she saw me collapsing to the floor in gales of laughter - that she had inadvertently directed me to perform an obscene act on my sister.

I'll let your imagination do the rest.
(busterbeckett BUSTER BECKETT - saved by the buoyancy of citrus, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 22:49, Reply)

At lunch,
I asked where an absent friend was, so someone replied, "She's taking a test." I asked, "What, she plays chess?" And another at the table was further confused, "She's on the track team?"
(toasty, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 22:40, Reply)

When is a hot dog not a hot dog?
I was recently at a football match and decided to risk the half-time culinary experience for once. I opted for the hot dog and asked the disinterested teenager behind the counter for said sausage-based snack.

"Want anything with it?" she asked.

"No, thanks." I replied (I've had hot dogs with onions and ketchup before and the onions are usually slimy and the ketchup just ends up all down your front, so I didn't want to chance it).

My dog was handed to me in one of those paper bags that has a foil inner, to keep the food warm. So I paid, picked my bag up off the counter and returned to my seat.

I sat down, opened my bag, delved my hand in and pulled out my snack. Imagine my surprise when all that I found in my bag was a single, solitary, naked sausage.

I actually tipped my bag upside down and tapped the bottom, somehow expecting a magic bread roll to drop out. But no, when I'd said I wanted nothing with it, that is precisely what I got. That'll teach me to assume the roll is an intrinsic part of a hot dog.
(edson, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 21:13, Reply)

My friend's sister teaches
at a state uni. In her Black Studies class, a student turned in an essay on "Rev. Martha Lutha King Jr." and wrote at length about Martha, the famous African-American civil rights crusader.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 21:08, Reply)

and another one

I remember when I was at the olympics a few years ago and overheard two athletes having a chat which went like this . . .

athlete 1: 'so are you a pole vaulter?'

athlete 2: 'vell actually I am vrom germany and my name's not valter'


total lie of course . . .
(The Cats Twat, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 20:31, Reply)

Joels new song
Just watched joels new song as linked in the newletter www.7secondsoflove.com/soupy_george/

Couldnt help but hear 'soup on your head' (in the chorus bit) as 'super noodle'. And now i've said it, you will too

*Evil cackle*
(JezziTheWonderKitten Not very wonderful but 100% kitteny, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 20:26, Reply)

people who are not knowingly named after musical instruments
we were at a traditional irish music gig a few years back with a wide array of instuments being fiddled with on stage . . . . one of our party exclaims curiously . . 'is that a mandolin?' . . . . one of the girls on our table says 'yes, I'm Amanda Lynn, what do you want?', but then when Bongos, Har,Monica and Mike Rophone walked in it was just too much . . . .
(The Cats Twat, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 20:24, Reply)

This sounds like a bullshit story but trust me it isn't...
we get all sorts of idiots in the Pharmacy where I work here is a tail of two of them.

1. Sold a woman a pessary (thats a vag' tablet to those who don't know) for thrush. She rings up a couple of hours later in some distress claiming her vag' is now bleeding. On questioning she'd cut the shape of the pessary out in the foil and shoved the razor sharpe foil/plastic coated pessary in to herself.

2. This one sounds like shit but isn't a woman rang us regarding a topical cream she'd been described. The instructions said apply locally and I kid you not she was worried because she was going abroad on holiday that week.

Also,

3. A fucktard who thought out own brand of paracetamol was "bulked out" with aspirin apparently he'd seen it on t.v.

4. The woman who thought we put the side effects in the medicine.

5. The man who was convinced that, despite being diabetic, going on a 5 day starvation/detox plan was a good idea.

Tossers.

Edit: I realise not all of these fit the QOTW but once I started I couldn't stop.
(mm123, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 19:47, Reply)

A couple more from when I worked in sales...
I answered the phone once, and a polite young lady asked to speak to my boss. Upon asking who was calling, I was told it was Tate and Lyle.
Ah, the sugar people, I remember thinking, and then wondering why my boss was so surprised that they'd called him.
That's because it was in fact Total Oil calling...

Second one:
I was talking to a potential new customer on the phone, he'd just placed a small order and I was trying to get him to open an account:

Me: "Right, great. Shall I pop some stuff in the post to you then, tell you more about what we do?" (This was pre-email)
Him: Oh no, you need to send that to my boss, Dick Stiff.
Me (Desperately trying not to guffaw down the phone at him, and voice going all wobbly because of it): Ahhhhh, oh. Right, okay, I'll do that then. So what's your address?
Him: [recites address]
Me (still with a wobbly voice): Oooookay... then. And it's to your boss. What was his name again?
Him: Dick Smith.

At that point I was so relieved I exploded *

* - not strictly true
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 19:31, Reply)