My Internet Service Provider is Bulldog
And before that, NTL. You'd think I would learn!
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 20:59, Reply)

Dear big fat stupid Dave from Oldham
When a Manchester prozzie caresses your balls and whispers sweet nothings to you at a cash machine while you're pissed on WKD Blue - it's not because she finds you attractive in any way. It's because she's nicking your wallet you stupid fat cunt.
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 20:50, Reply)

Using Your Face as a Distraction, or How I Prevented a Mugging.
On Friday evening at about 11 I was in town with two friends eating KFC after going rock climbing, when we were accosted by a pair of thuggish drunken youths who demanded money so that they could buy drugs (their words). When we refused, one of them grabbed my friend's bag and emptied it out on the floor then, seeing that there was no money in there, just climbing gear, said "Fine, I'll just take your bag instead." Being the hero that I am, as he turned to leave I grabbed the bag, and received a punch to the face for my efforts (I have a lovely swollen lip). Luckily this gave my friends enough time to call the police, and the bag was saved.

Today I had to go and give a statement. The police already know whodunnit, and will shortly be arresting them for ABH and attempted robbery.
(MooCow_Byter, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 20:47, Reply)

Paris.
Most people only see the quaint side of Paris, but my friend (actually named "Paris") and I have been treated to the worst. Paris was walking home one night from the bar, and stopped at knifepoint by a man demanding her purse. She calmly explained that her pet chinchilla was inside of it. He didn't believe her, he looked in her purse, and she kneed him in the groin. Even better, she stole his wallet and turned it into the police after she took the money out of it.
(tenley, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 20:38, Reply)

i've told this one before...
but it ties in better with this question than the one i actually answered: this happened to a friend of mine's little cousin, who was about 11 at the time, and is also asian (as in his parents are from laos)... after school he'd have to take the inner city train (this is in paris, so the RER if you've ever been) to go home, and was waiting on the platform when a couple of older kids (14 years old or so i think) tried bullying him into giving them his trainers or something... unfortunately for them, he'd been trained in some sort of martial art, and he kicked their arses all over the place. Nice. I wish i'd been there... I myself have never been mugged but i'm quite sure i was followed home by two blokes once and i managed to get into my building a few seconds before they caught up with me, i saw their shadows through the glass of the front door... scary stuff, but served me right for living in dodgy area.
(Alaning, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 20:26, Reply)

Mugger unprepared for northern feistiness
My girlfriend was coming home from the pictures on her own one Friday night and the train had just pulled into Deptford when a young man walked passed the seat she was in and casually helped himself to her handbag. She immediately shouted “Stop, thief! He’s got my bag!” but of course, it being London nobody stepped up.

She jumped off the train and began running down the platform, pausing to look over her shoulder, naively expecting to see several beefy lads rushing to her aid. No such luck, and this put her out of step so that she fell over spectacularly, skinning her knees, elbows etc and winding herself. Not easily deterred (the new Gucci wallet she had saved for months for was in the bag) she got back up and continued the pursuit.

The young man running off with her bag was actually quite a portly chap and she quickly gained on him, although she did need to climb over some railings (being fairly short) in order to follow him across the roof he was now running along.

Now, she has mild asthma, and when she finally caught him at the other end of the roof she was beginning to wheeze a bit. As she got closer to the mugger, she realised that he was in fact just a kid (no more than 15) and he looked pretty scared when he saw her. Apparently small northern women don’t routinely run muggers down across roofs in South East London.

Anyway, she decided to play on his fear by putting on her wheezing and making it sound much worse than it was to see if she could rattle him further. In between gasps for breath she said, “You’ve got to give me my bag – it’s got my medication in it.” This appeal had the desired effect (must’ve been his first mugging or something) and he meekly handed back her bag. I’d like to say that she proceeded to give him a good kicking, but in actual fact she just sat down and cried while he ran off. That said, the story had a great deal of mileage in the school where she teaches, and she was nicknamed Buffy the Vampire Slayer for weeks.
(oafcmetty Lurking since, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 20:19, Reply)

Ha!
My mate Chris was mugged by a senga. He came out of the student union nightclub, and one girl came up to him, said "Ooh, you're nice", went to kiss him, but instead kneed him in his balls and stole his wallet.
( drunkenoaf, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 19:59, Reply)

I was treasurer of the Uni's Shotokan Karate club in 2002
I'd just collected about £300 in training fees for the 1st term, and it was in my jacket pocket. We went to the Sports Union bar (during term time, pretty much the only people in there are students from sports clubs that have been kicked out the sports buildings at the end of the day. During the Edinburgh festival, you know it as the bestest comedy venue, the Pleasance)

My jacket was a long, woolen thing, and I'd left it draped over a chair. I'd only nipped to the bar for a minute, and I looked over to see a heroin-addled jakie from the adjacent scheme place his jacket over mine (which looked stupid-- a shell suit jacket over my long coat) and lift it up and place his hand over the zipped up pocket...

He was restrained, and the staff called the police. He had over £300 cash on him-- none of it the Karate club's.

So students-- don't be daft and leave money in your jacket. You are *very* easy pickings. Scumbags can make alot of money that way. And better than that, since he hadn't taken any of my money, the police had to let him go, with the cash. Gah!
( drunkenoaf, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 19:56, Reply)

Attempted mugging
Me and a couple of mates were walking through town a while ago, when about 7 or 8 rudeboys who must've been at least 2 years younger than us came up to us. "Have you got the time?" they ask. We point out that the giant clocktower is right behind them. They ask again, and knowing what they're about we tell them to **** off. This mouthy one obviously their leader starts talking really fast in a really high pitched voice, and the only thing we could pick out in all the rudeboy slang/hih pitchedness was he wanted to "gas us". Bear in mind there are 3 of us. Two 6 foot, pretty strong black guys and our mate Simon who's short and white but also pretty strong. They tell their weedy obvious hanger on to search Simon, and as he approaches Si squares up to him, ready to headbutt him and tells him to touch him and see what happens. The weedy guy backs off and the mouthy one starts going on again. Dan (my black mate) gets out his phone and holds it out to him, and goes "you want it?" the mouth makes a grab for it and Dan trips him up and pushes him to the floor then utters the classic line "Yeah... come back when your balls drop" There's quite a crowd at this point (mostly made up of other chavs wanting to see a fight) they burst out laughing, and we calmly walk away to the sound of the mouthy high-pitched dude screaming threats at us.

No apologies for length, no-one's complained before...
(Habacock, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 18:09, Reply)

Not really a mugging...more of a polystyrene cupping.
hmm.

Last year at T in the park I bought along my dads really big expensive looking 5 man tent to share with a few friends. The Sunday morning and we'd heard about a few of our neighbours' tents had been broken into and emptied of anything remotely valuble the day before while everyone was inside the main compound.

Fearfull of our many valuble items such as moist socks and sleeping bags we fashioned an ingenious lock on the tent zippers using menthol dental floss. "Safe as houses that are made of flimsy poles and nylon sheets!" we procliamed as we set off for a day of fun and music.

That night we came back to see a light inside our tent and someone moving around inside. As we raced towards it, a figure emerged and at the sight of 4 rather angry, possibly drunk, looking guys speeding towards him shouting, he took off. We lost him as he dissapeared into a large crowd of other festival goers.

We returned to our defouled tent only to discover he'd neatly tidied our sleeping bags and clothes and left a pack of 100 polysyrene cups in the corner.

Jolly decent of him.

(apologies for lenght girth etc. and for having nothing to do with the question)
( Brims Spurts., Sun 18 Jun 2006, 15:51, Reply)

i had a dream
where a big (6'7ish 20 stone) black man grabbed me whilst i was walking through Blackpool looking at the illuminations and put a knife to my throat demanding my dad for money

does that count?
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 15:38, Reply)

my uncle
is the good Catholic church going type of guy
him and my auntie went to Barcelona this year, and he has a habit of getting pickpocketed there

he was walking down a street and felt a fumbling in his pocket, he turned and swung without thought and chinned some short Spanish bird who had her hand in his pocket and shouted "NO!"

thats a message to foreigners don't fuck with Catholics from accrington!
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 15:02, Reply)

Surely some mistake?
It was about 8am on New Year's Day 2000 and I was on way home from club, still heavily & obviously under the influence of several disco biscuits.

A rude boy of no more than 16 pops out of a side street, puts his arm round my shoulder & offers to sell me some weed. We retire to an alcove to do the deed & he starts up his pitch - "Shake my hand". I reach out a friendly paw and he seems suprised that there's no currency in it. I point out we hadn't yet dicussed his price list so he claims to be able to "swap" me £20 for "some" draw. Ask him to be more specific & request to see the goods. "Just gimme the £20 & I'll get it from my Lexus".

I was quite enjoying seeing this guy plead, beg & try everything he can think of to make me hand over £20 but I wasn't having it. He obviously realised he was losing me so grabbed my glasses & said he wouldn't give them back unless I gave him the money.

Now, although I speak poshly, wear glasses, am generally very peaceful (and was fully loved up), I still carry the memories of my schooldays with me. Whenever I broke my glasses, I'd be in deep sh*t with my mum so it was more of an instinct thing for me to slam his head against the brickwork & snarl "give me back my fackin' glasses" in my scariest voice.

It worked. Not only did he give my specs back, he started trying to stuff a £10 note in my top pocket. I presume it was so I would think he was genuine & hand over my cash. I thrust it back & told him to fuck off at which point he started begging me with tears in his eyes to take this tenner.

So it was at that point when a Japanese bloke walked round the corner to see one guy striding away from another who was crying & trying to force cash onto the first one.

Don't know if he thought that's how muggings normally happen in London. I didn't stick around

I would apologise for length but I'm not gonna
( four styx, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 15:00, Reply)

A few years back..
Two guys tried to mug my cousin Jim (james , jamie , never know these days). Well jim isnt a stranger to alcohol and violence and had a skinful that very evening.

The conversation gos something like "gimme your wallet" from one of the two muggers , and a breif "no" from my cousin jim.

3 minuites of violance later jim gets bored and leaves them lying beaten on the street. But not before taking the oppotunity to "upgrade" his trainers , as one of the muggers had a brand new pair on.

The muggee becomes the mugger ???
( Damion International - now taking orders., Sun 18 Jun 2006, 14:17, Reply)

Bit of fire
Living in the midlands, and often having to get the bus home late at night from such places as Birmingham, Wolverhampton and Dudley, I always carry weapons of self defense around with me in my girly handbag.

A gun? No.

A big knife? No.

A can of hairspray and my cigarette lighter. Always makes me feel much safer walking around on my own at night.

I've always sat dreaming of situations on the bus home, imagining myself turn into a lycra-clad superhero, with massive boobies, 80s hair and super levitating abilities, smiting dastardly criminals with my power of fire blasting.

"Of course you can search my bag officer, it only has my hairspray in it because I am a laaaaady who cares about her laaaaady doo."

"Oh and a couple of fags and a lighter. I'm classy, me."
(Hanargh, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 14:12, Reply)

Not me but a friend...
...was walking through the scummy streets of Brixton when a guy starts to follow him.
Now my chum had just been skateboarding somewhere in the area and had a fancy bag that you could put your board into leaving you handsfree to talk on your snazzy nokia banana phone!
Que mugger after following for ten minutes walking up to young Benjaminge and requesting in a horrible tone to "hand over the phone or you'll get stabbin's" Ben looks...sums up the situation and raises his hand slowly over his right shoulder grabbing the nose of his board and propelling it in a downward motion towards his knees...nedless to say he returned to his house removed his board and found a large chunk of brain lodged in between his wheel the deck!

The funny thing is that he was on the phone to his mum the whole time and carried the conversation on as if nothing happened!

He, my friend's is my modern day action man!

no apologies for length or girth!
( Supersam11 Can I go on the slides please?, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 13:29, Reply)

Worlds most useless mugger
A guy walks into a pub in Swansea where I was working at the time. I half-recognised him as someone who'd drunk there a few weeks earlier, didn't really think anything of it.

He walks up to me looking a bit odd, then proceeds to pull out a silver revolver and waves it at me. I mean ffs, it's Swansea, not Johannesberg. I look at him and say in a stern voice "For fuck's sake, put that away, you can't flash that around Swansea mate." at which point he replied "Oh yeah. Errrm, sorry." He put it away and walked out, never to be seen again.

Still dunno why he done it tbh.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 9:43, Reply)

Good to be a girl...?
Once when I was fooked up on weed (yeah, I'm a complete amateur) in the city, I started yelling at these big burly blokes who were knocking each other out to 'STOP THAT! IT'S NOT NICE!'

I'm barely five three, female, and blonde. My friend who had been indulging in speed was crapping himself trying to get me to shut up.

So it's not a mugging story exactly, but I could have been...?

I then ended up consoling a guy on the ground who was bleeding, telling him to sing me songs or something. I'm so lovely.
(kadee may or may not be a nymphomaniac, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 4:27, Reply)

Mugged?!?
Not me but a mate of mine, when we went to NYC was stoped after coming out of a bar by a rather rough "gentelmen", who demanded his cash.....My mate just looked at him and walked 3 steps into the building next door... leaving our rough american friend quite puzzled....See our "hostel" was literally next door to the pub where he had been drinking.
(Agent Melon is a baker in essex, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 0:36, Reply)

Who's the mug?
One of my mates chose to live in a salubrious area of Clapton renown for its crack daddies and other dodgy fellas. Fey skinny white boy what he is, he looked easy pickings for a whirling-pupilled mugger with a gun who held him up and demanded he go round the back of the blocks of flats to the dumpster bins. 'No mate, if you're going to shoot me, do it here', bravados my chum. This flummoxes muggerboy temporarily, they barter 'round the back' 'nah mate here' for a bit until the cracknut decides to mug my mate in the open after all. Demanding all his money, it takes fey boy quite a few pockets to locate two scrunched orange notes. Muggerboy grabs them, looks at him shocked, then pityingly, hands one back and scarpers. And who says the youth of today have no sense of manners or charity?
(whatswiththemonkey, Sat 17 Jun 2006, 23:29, Reply)

Silly junkies
I guess it wasnt a "proper" mugging, but a few years ago when i was about 17 my m8 had just got back from holland having smuggles some of hollands finest grass fromt he sweet town of amsterdamn and we sat in a graveyard and smoked it.

We then decided strangley enough to walk down a small teeny lane where the homeless hostel was

two junkies approached us and asked me "what i had on me" all i had was a bottle of blue wicked, so i happily handed it over, they then followed me and my mate for about ten minures til we got to a cash machine and tried to con us out of lifting money and giving it to them Hell no, i thought andbolted like a bitch.
(StrangeKristine, Sat 17 Jun 2006, 23:11, Reply)

Pants!
A few years ago the girl in the next tent to me at a Rock Festival had her bag pinched. Luckily for her she'd not left any cash in it, but was obviously distraught at losing her possessions. I suggested she try Lost Property, you never know she might be lucky and sure enough it had been handed in. The only think missing was her pants. The idea of a bunch of tea-leaves sitting around their camp fire wearing her (clean) underwear on their heads kept me amused at least.
(Julian Coped, Sat 17 Jun 2006, 22:59, Reply)

You Lie, Apeloverage
You were NOT mugged by a furry grey ant-eating mammal from Africa. It just isn't possible.

I know, cos aardvark never hurt anyone.
( Tepid_Halibut felt like a cold, empty shell of a human...until, Sat 17 Jun 2006, 22:24, Reply)

Mugged - fucksticks.
Years ago, walking down a relatively dodgey street in central Glasgow, me and two other guys are stopped and asked for directions by two *utter* scumbags, at which point mugger #1 reaches in his jacket and pulls out what appears (in my drunken state) to be a fully automatic pistol, and sticks it neatly under my mate's chin.

Oh dear.

Swift discussions ensue as to the authenticity of the gun from the guy who has it rammed under his chin - not the brightest thing, given the circumstances, and we eventually just drunkenly relinquish and say "oh for FUCKS sakes just give him your wallet so we can go home".

Ned #1 & #2 run off, then the adrenaline wears off, the threat of sobriety raises its ugly head, and we decide to report the incident to the cops at the station just round the corner - not thinking much could be done, but hey-ho, if they did catch them at least someone else wouldn't have to put up with the same experience.

Still worse the wear, we approach the incident desk and tell the duty copper what happened.

Literally, as soon as a gun was mentioned, the place was galvanized - two fully armed coppers appear in short order, and bundle two of us into a car to go and look for them. I stayed at the cop shop and had tea and bacon rolls. Result.

Apparently they caught up with the guys in under twenty minutes, held them at gunpoint, arrested, custody, etc etc, quite impressive so I'm told.

6-7 months later I pick up a copy of the Evening Times and see neds #1 and #2 on the front cover in a "Rogues Gallery" type banner page - GLASGOW'S CRACKDOWN ON CRIME i think was the headline, and the presiding judge had decided to set an example of our two aquantainces (along with every other unfortunate sod in the dock that day).

10 years each - that'll learn the fuckers.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 17 Jun 2006, 21:29, Reply)

Nail File
I was walking towards my house once filing my nails with a metal nailfile (I was about 14 and my nails were my pride and joy). As I walked down a little pathway with trees on both sides a bloke grabbed my arm, I jabbed the nailfile into his arm and ran and ran. I never saw that nail file again
( Roxy_Hart is so so old, Sat 17 Jun 2006, 21:23, Reply)

Not me
I wasn't mugged but I mugged someone. I stole their phone, had a look on it and found dirty pictures of them on it. I was strangely aroused and disgusted at the same time
(The_Reaper, Sat 17 Jun 2006, 20:39, Reply)

Don't mug that vampyre!
Back when I was at uni, I had a mate who was into live action role-playing, particularly the vampyre type of games. He spent 50 quid (a lot for a student and 10 years ago) on some false vampyre teeth and yellow contacts.

Anyway, shortly after he got them, he went out for a walk wearing them. A guy with a gun...yes a gun (this is in the UK) stopped him and demanded money from him. My mate claims to have hissed at him, shown his fangs, and claimed "that's not a real gun" - he said the guy was real nervous looking and so it probably wasn't a real gun. Anyway, my mate gave him some loose change before the mugger ran off!!
(Guinness2702 Meh! Do I look like I care?, Sat 17 Jun 2006, 20:00, Reply)

Naughty pics
Some git stole my phone a while ago,which had some considerable 'intimate' pics of me on it.

I wonder if they looked?
(Miharu, Sat 17 Jun 2006, 19:57, Reply)

Not been mugged..
..but did once have my pocket picked.

Walking up Oxford Strret, and a guy brushed past me.

When I checked my pockets, found my wallet, keys and phone. I wondered what exactly had gone.

Then I realised. I couldn't find my new, soft, glasses case.

So, the pickpocket had ignored the wallet & the keys, which I had in the same pocket and stole my glasses case..
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Sat 17 Jun 2006, 19:34, Reply)

Someone
once asked how fast I would run if they tried to take my mobile.

I decided to show them.
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 17 Jun 2006, 18:06, Reply)