My first job...
Was in the porn industry.
I was the fluffer on a bestiality porn set. Tough life, mostly keeping the horses and dogs hard whilst the female co-star is dabbed with skin toner ready for the take.
Occasionally a wayward horse would get too excited and shoot a startlingly large payload of equine semen down my throat, but overall it wasnt a bad time.
There was once when we had a stunt cock in for Shergar, his money shot was so plentiful some of the supporting cast needed waterwings to escape the deluge.

Happy Days.
(LunarJim, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 12:30, Reply)

Slight Tangent?
Now that the board is knuckles-deep in tales of furtively-glimpsed hedgerow smut and gleeful anecdotes about finding your best mate’s dad’s hastily concealed cache of gentleman’s relaxation pamphlets while playing hide and seek in the loft, I don’t feel the need to add any more. So instead I’ll tell the story of my mate’s first (and, sing hosannas, only) experience of appearing in pawnography.

Some years ago, my mate X (not his real name), was studying for a journalism degree at a historic and widely-respected English university, during which time he made a contact at an equally historic and widely-respected British newspaper. I won’t name & shame, but it’s an anagram of Sudnay Sprot. Said contact promised to fix him up with a summer work placement (which is pretty-much gold dust for any green, keen undergraduate) in return for the odd ‘favour’. The placement itself never materialized of course, leaving X reeling from tabloid-journalist-tells-porky-pies shock, but not before the ‘favour’ was called in.

The journo in question was ‘investigating’ a story about alcohol-and-drug-fuelled swinger parties in university halls of residence. You know, the kind of crap that would appeal to the average slack-jawed simpleton obsessed with the idea that the daughters of the privileged are engaging in acts of Satanic debauchery in their ivory towers, when anyone who’s actually been inside university accommodation will tell you it’s mostly instant noodles, lax personal hygiene and the occasional semi-skilled, neurotic fumble.

Our journo had his story, but no pictures to go with it, largely because he’d made it up that morning, so he calls X and asks if he could borrow his flat for the afternoon. Lo & behold he turns up with a photographer, a slab of beer and two glamour models who couldn’t look less like university students if they’d worn commemorative ‘Not University Student’ baseball caps. Photographer then proceeds to take several hundred shots of X and his housemate in their boxers, swigging from cans of Stella and throwing extravagant poses next to, behind or under the two models (both, by this point, dressed exactly as nature intended).

Long story short, journo promised to blank out their faces. He didn’t. When the story appeared on page 5 that Sunday, there they were in all their easily recognizable glory. Luckily none of X’s family or course tutors were in the habit of buying such an esteemed publication, and he and his housemate were awarded instant Gods-among-men status by their mates. But if he ever gets married, the episode may well form part of a staggeringly entertaining Best Man’s speech.
(Monkey Tennis isn't Spartacus, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 12:13, Reply)

i could potentially help
with posting pictures of pjm's n0b. feel free to message me, i'll charge minimum rates...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 12:06, Reply)

biology
I went to school at a hyper-liberal atheist commune. They encouraged us to disagree with them, challenge the exam system and use education to empower ourselves rather than becoming capitalist drones. Biology was fun.

When if came to human reproduction, our teacher was Mr Johnson. Rather than use vague drawings to illustrate, he would whip out his own considerable schlong and point to its various parts with a pencil. I particularly recall him laying it on my desk and pointing out his frenulum. As for making babies, he invited Miss Stradivarius into the room.

She took his wang in hand and nursed it to full rigidity as we watched in amazement. Being so liberal, our teachers were thoughtful enough to show us what orality might look like, and so we saw Mr Johnson's bulb swelling the inside Miss Stadivarius' cheek as she cupped his nuts and energetically tongued his length.

Then she lay back on his desk and he pointed out her labia etc. with his pencil, before asking us to gather round and watch the penetrative act. I think he got carried away after that, because the commentary stopped for a while as they grunted and moaned. At the moment of ejaculation, Mr Johnson withdrew and shot his wad on Miss Stadivarius' gaping chute. We 'oohed' and 'ahed' with respect.

What a difference it makes to have such an education.
(frankspencer, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 12:02, Reply)

PJM
I haven't seen your knob. About time you posted some home-made pr0n here I think.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 11:53, Reply)

Cable cookery
So what has the slack jawed, scooter riding, sancimonious mockney got in common with tit and arse?

Hang on a minute...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 31 Jan 2007, 11:43, Reply)

Sex ed class
very VERY graphcic and detailed, very funny at the time, but I was only about 8. What were the sick bastards at my junior school thinking!
( SiX and his hat, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 11:37, Reply)

Christmas comes early.
I was about 8. It was December. And I was scouring the house for Christmas presents. I went through every cupboard, every bag, every drawer in the house, until finally, there was only one place left to look. Aha, I thought, they must be in that really high-up cupboard in my Mum's bedroom. I looked. No presents, but a truly magical stash of porn mags that had belonged to my Dad. They kept me, and all the young lads in our street, occupied for the next five years or so. Cheers Dad!
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 11:31, Reply)

I hate f**king cable
Mrs 3in7 couldn't wait to get cable - great I thought dodgy french and dutch channels - can't wait

First night in - straight to Channel 260 she goes ... I couldn't f**king believe it 4 hours solid of that fat lipped c*nt Jamie W**king Oliver. And to rub it in I can't stand Nigella "Look at me" Lawson.

I life time of cooking p0rn to look forward to - that's far too long :(
(Biff..., Wed 31 Jan 2007, 11:07, Reply)

Remember Holly's Hot Lists?
On the Chris Evans Breakfast Show in the mid-nineties?
I was working at the time on a project linking databases for a manufacturing company, and I had to see tables filled with things like "Male Stud Coupler" and "Left Screwthread flange grip."
I compiled a load to send in, but the cow never read them out.
(LunarJim, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 10:48, Reply)

ha
A girl on a geekboard - like dropping a twix in Ethopia.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 10:37, Reply)

b3ta pr0n (veniceboy)
hey! i'm not filthy am i? or not in frank's league, despite his comment that i'd given him a stiffy that would last for a week... i said the nuns were gluing the pages together, not trailing their hands through each other's juice and using that to do it!

although maybe they were.

but then, the youngest one was 82. i reckon they'd have dried up some five decades previously.

EDIT: PJM - thin ice!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 9:24, Reply)

tinypod
Ah, yes you could be right.

As a mountain biker I regularly get involved in discussing such things as "gussets", "nipple tension", "Stroke length", "flange" and my absolute favourite "Bottom-out resistance".

Meh.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 31 Jan 2007, 9:14, Reply)

tinypod - re the 'Horizon' woman
I remember that edition of Horizon - her sudden appearance surprised me, too.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, no she didn't. The sequence ended before anything, errr, un-BBC-ish became visible.
(patently Was somewhere else on, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 8:53, Reply)

One of your five-a-day
My first pron was found, like many others, under a bush when I was 8. It was a page from a scud mag, with a picture of a nice lady squeezing tomatoes all over another nice lady's flappage and licking the seeds off eagerly.

I had no idea that women could, and did, fiddle with other women until that point. I don't remember being particularly perturbed, but bizarrely I thought they might have had a nicer time if they'd added some Heinz salad cream.

Incidentally, whatever happened to porn bushes? No hedgerow in the seventies and early eighties was complete without pockets of damp and discarded bongo mags. By the nineties, like white dog shit, they'd pretty much disappeared.

It's the kids I feel sorry for.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 8:01, Reply)

Ooh, one more, one more
Someone bought a copy of something into school one day in the days when jazzmags had other stuff in like cars, and expensive motorbikes, and we all went behind the library for a quick butchers. We're all thumbing through this and after one lady finished, a road test of a Ferrari 400 appears. "Ooh, hang on" I pipe up "just let me read this", with a genuine interest in lovely cars, whereupon they all shouted at me, pointing out that I was using up all there valuable leisure time, although I let the perusal of ladies continue on the promise that I could read it later. Unfortunately the librarian then banged on the window and we all scattered. I was so scared of being hauled up before the head (being caught with grumble was percieved as the most heinous crime ever), and I can feel myself burning with geeky embarrassment just thinking about this, that I went straight to my locker and learnt all the facts off a Top Trump card about said Ferrari so that when we were being carpeted I could add weight to my "I was just looking at the cars in it " defence. Looking back I am so glad it never came to that, I would never have been spoken too again.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Wed 31 Jan 2007, 4:56, Reply)

Bikes??!?!
Sorry just read some of the posts below and are PJM and lankymike really discussing which cycling publication is best, or are MBR and dirt some kind of ubersmutty filthyfilth which they're too embarrassed to name on here?
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Wed 31 Jan 2007, 4:38, Reply)

Ah, memories of mammaries
Absolutely years ago, I reckon I must have been about 7, when there was only 3 telly channels AND they were in black and white, I was watching BBC2 one afternoon with me mam when not at school for some reason and the science program "Horizon" was doing an episode about skin, in a serious scientific "largest organ in the human body here are some of it's amazing properties" sort of way. One of the facts it mentioned was that most household dust was human skin, shed each time we get undressed. As the announcer said this they illustrated the point by starting the stripper music, a blonde lady appearing, and her starting to undress. I assume looking back that it would have been handled in a a demure BBC don't show anything manner but I was so embarrassed to see this happening when my mam was there that I pretended that I needed the loo and went out, although I could hear the music for ages so I never found out whether or not the pretty lady showed us some ladybits, she certainly had more than enough time to get the whole lot out. I was too young for wanking but lummox, that got me excited for years after. I seem to recall, knowing that there are repeats of these things, looking through the radio times every time it arrived hoping that it would be shown again just to see a real lady in the buff.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Wed 31 Jan 2007, 4:32, Reply)

Nuns and biology
Rachelswipe has reminded me of my GCSE Biology exam….

As I too went to a convent school the sum total of our sex education was at the age of 11 a lesson about sexual reproduction in flowers, closely followed by being handed five pages of notes at the end…

The five pages were all about human reproduction and that was our homework – to read it and then the next week we would be looking at more plants.


When we started to study for GCSEs again all human reproduction was avoided and homework of reading the relevant sections of the text books was set.

Finally the day dawned for us to sit our exams…..

The silence of the examination hall was broken by sniggers as 40 or so sixteen year old girls opened up their exam booklets and were faced with a large diagram which had to be labelled correctly…yes, the diagram was of a large flaccid cock….
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 21:59, Reply)

weird friend
My first experience of porn was at the mature age of 10, when i was round at a friends (male) house. He had been wanting to show me video for a while, so I finally accepted. What ensued was a very detailled porn extract, which as i was too young to be aroused, did not have any effect on me. The scary thing being after my friend decided it would be 'fun' to jump on me and start trying to hump me. i dont think i ever really saw him again after that... moral of this story is never watch porn with a friend.
(Tranny G was a badger, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 21:10, Reply)

i think my friend's dad was gay...
it's funny-- i'd completely blocked this out until i read the question.

i spent the night at a friend's house in the 3rd grade. i was about 8. i was in the bathroom, and i discovered a bunch of dirty magazines.

naturally, this made me the queen of the playground for about a week after as other kids gathered around to hear my description of the saga.

i distinctly remember describing the man-parts, but there is a lack of female-parts in my memory...

which naturally leads me to believe that my friend's dad fancied other men.
(saidthekat would like to congratulate you, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 20:20, Reply)

Just the image of nuns daily gluing
..the pages of the male reproductive system in the library has me rolling on the floor laughing my helium offal.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 19:24, Reply)

rachelswipe & frankspencer
Need to get together and make some pron. I am sure it would be filthy!
(veniceboy lives in California, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 18:59, Reply)

In a brutal attack...
Days of yore when I was but a wee lad of 10...
One summer day in school, my compatriots and I were enjoying a simple perambulation around the playing field at lunch.

We come to the hedge by the bigger kids school (secondary) when some one shouts through a gap in the hedge
"Ey! Wanna shee shum tittehs?"

Curious about these 'tittehs' (for I did not know what they were)I poke my head through this gap in the hedge...

And was subsequently beaten around the head a few times with a rolled up gentlemans magazine.

I recoiled and sat down in my dazed state for a few minutes only to find out my friends had gone to get a teacher.

I'm on the field, dazed, with a fetish magazine on my lap.

Arses.

Fortunately my facilitator in education believed what happened and the tykes responsible were reprimanded.

It hurt, but not as much as the fact that my first experience of porn was being beaten around the head with it.

Didn't put me off it though... just off the pissing and chains n that.

COCKCOCKCOCKCOCK etc
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 18:47, Reply)

During my last year at high school
some rotten bastard spread a nasty rumour all round school that a teacher had caught me naked in the school toilets wanking into a mars bar packet over gay porn magazines.

I just want to get one thing straight, IT WAS A FUCKING SNICKERS WRAPPER, ALRIGHT!
(Fatima Whitbread's hardon drugs and the causes of drugs, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 18:43, Reply)

Hmm
I wonder if I went to the same school as Rachelswipe - my primary school had a Nun annex too.... The evil bitches - Nuns? More like evil psycho devil worshippers that get their kicks from beating children.

And breathe.

PJM - liking dirty mountain bike mags... Sure, I bet they're "mountain bike" mags - more like a mag with a bike story in it ;-)

Off topic? Just maybe.

But, is it me or are some of the crappier lad mags more like the porn of old? I bet the "age of porn exposure" is lower than when I was young.

Yes, it was a shit post.

No, I'm not sorry.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 18:23, Reply)

nuns!
i forgot, when i was about 10 i moved schools (i won a scholarship which meant i had to be at a private school, which i hadn't been previously). as it was only going to be for a year until i went to senior school, my parents chose the nearest prep school.

which was a catholic school annexed to a convent. and some of the teachers were nuns.

so i was in the library one lunchtime with my new friends, something to do with cheeking the nun who taught recorder (is it me or there something odd about a nun playing the recorder?!). and we found the biology books. every single page on male anatomy or reproduction was glued together. every single one.

so naturally we spent our lunch hour prising them apart. this took the whole hour. that was some strong nun-glue.

the very next day, we panted eagerly back into the library, not sure why it was interesting, but knowing that it had to be. and every single page was glued together again. those nuns must have done a daily pr0n patrol...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 18:07, Reply)

The internet has a lot to answer for....
I remember going round to my mates house when i was about 14'ish and seeing the Athena Tennis girl poster for the first time. Spoffed in my pants, and burned the image into my retinas, so i could store it in my minds 'wank bank' for future reference during 'personal loving moments'.

Nowadays, the internet has spoilt all that. This was a conversation at work recently...

"Oh my god! Come and have a look at this. Someone has emailed me a picture of 2 lesbians with strapons, being pissed on by a midget on a horse."

"What sort of horse is it?"

".....A brown one"

"Nah, can't be arsed"
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 17:26, Reply)

I always think...
.. a woman looks at her best when she has a large payload of semen sprayed over her face and hair.

And they always look like they've enjoyed themselves more, dont they fellas?
(LunarJim, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 16:45, Reply)