Page 3
I was about 14 - and a bubbling cauldron of adolescent hormones - when a well known glamour model of the time moved in briefly next door.

The first I knew about it was when I saw her lying on a sun lounger in her back garden one summer day. She was wearing a bikini that struggled to hold in her ample DD charms and was in the process of lathering her perfect skin with some manner of oily unguent. Before you you could say 'Kleenex', I had my urgent young schlong firmly in hand and was rubbing one out with humming-bird velocity. The mere sight of a real life page-three girl just a few metres from my bedroom window was just too much to bear.

But things got better.

In those days, I would do odd jobs for neighbours for a bit of extra cash. I was round to hers early next morning to ask if she needed any windows cleaning, bush trimmed or lawn munched (an unfortunate Freudian slip that she missed). She looked piteously at my spotty teenage face and masturbation-induced anaemia and said she'd think of a few jobs for the following day. I rushed home and wanked myself into semi-lameness while remembering the slight shadow of a nipple under her shirt.

The very next day I was cleaning her windows when I heard a scream from inside. I ran round to the front door and knocked but there was no answer. Again, a scream. So I tried the door and walked inside.

"Are you OK?" I squeaked, acheiving the kind of boner that could drill a hole in an oak dining table.

"Come quick!" she called (and I almost did, right there and then.)

Well, she was in the bath. Naked. Her creamy, pneumatic body was slick and shiny in the dying bubbles, and her nipples were hard. I could not help but notice a total lack of hair about her pubic region, for she did not attempt to cover herself. My boner began to vibrate. By now, the slightest breath of air across its bulging tip would have sent forth a geyser of gushing jizz.

"A spider!" she yelped, pointing to the ceiing. "I'm terrified of them. Please - get rid of it. Please!"

The arachnoid in question was tiny. I looked at the girl's quivering form: her open lips, her startled eyes, her gravity-defying breasts and I almost passed out with the effort of not filling my y-fronts with steaming ejaculate.

Bravely, I reached up and mashed the spider with a dirty palm... whereupon it dropped into the bathwater. My nude damsel wailed in fear, so I thrust my hand into the still warm water and made a grab for the watery corpse. Alas, she had put some kind of oily bathtime moisturiser in the water and my hand skated off the enamel up between her legs, stopping just in time... but with the back of my hand veritably kissing the silken lips of her much-dreamed-of labii.

She paused. I paused. She looked down. I looked down. The slight pressure of those delicate lips against the back of my hand became the only thing in that steamy bathroom.

And my face twisted in a goggle-eyed rictus of combined humiliation and ecstasy as I pumped a cupload of pent-up semen into my pants.

I never cleaned her windows again, and she never sunbathed in the garden again. But I have continued to abuse myself over the years with the fond memory of that brief moment we shared all those years ago.
(frankspencer, Sat 3 Oct 2009, 20:40, 22 replies)

I read the first sentence
and immediately scrolled down to have my first guess confirmed
( The Coast Of Yemen, Sat 3 Oct 2009, 20:42, closed)

To paraphrase Renee Zellwegger....
"You had me at 'urgent young schlong'".
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 6 Oct 2009, 15:15, closed)

If I wasn't so drunk I'd reply with something equally witty and rude.
Bugger!
( girlinthehole, Sat 3 Oct 2009, 21:12, closed)

I knew it was you.
Hopefully we'll be seeing more of you here?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 3 Oct 2009, 21:46, closed)

.
*click*

You've been missed Frank.
( speedyballbangpots, Sat 3 Oct 2009, 21:48, closed)

Mr Spencer
I've missed you on here- a similar narrative tone to JG Ballard but with content straight out of Razzle. Please, please make it more permanent- never before has B3ta needed you so much.

For the love of God, please replace SpankyHanky and his annoying bullshit tales in the newsletter- our country needs you.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 3 Oct 2009, 22:07, closed)

FOR FUCK'S SAKE FATTIES.. COME ON!

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Sat 3 Oct 2009, 22:53, closed)

Lo, for he has returned!
Rejoice!
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 4 Oct 2009, 2:30, closed)

Hurrah
For it has beeen too long since we have had your fair, sgteaming ejaculate covering these virgin white pages.

Spanky, take note - this is how it's done.
(stimpy, Sun 4 Oct 2009, 7:46, closed)

a second coming
hurrah!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 4 Oct 2009, 16:47, closed)

sex wee
thats the effect of your stories
( zulu eh?, Sun 4 Oct 2009, 16:59, closed)

yawn
this is fucking dire. but you have some fans judging from the above. then again so do n sync so that means little to nothin
(Roosta, Sun 4 Oct 2009, 17:50, closed)

.
At least Frank can spell, and use grammar. Even if it is unadulterated porn, you've been missed, Frank.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Sun 4 Oct 2009, 18:06, closed)

I love
this type of thing.

I once was inspired to drain the dregs from my hairy barrels by one of his stories (the one about the teacher sat on his lap).
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Sun 4 Oct 2009, 19:20, closed)

*sigh*

( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 4 Oct 2009, 21:20, closed)

where as you....
are a story telling genius... www.b3ta.com/questions/helpdesk/post531144

...or dull cunt.

Take your pick.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sun 4 Oct 2009, 23:29, closed)

Well then,
let's see you top his writing.

Come on, the floor's open. Let's see what you have to offer.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 3:06, closed)

I have tears in my eyes
From mirth or joy, I can not tell.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Sun 4 Oct 2009, 21:05, closed)

frank, you're giving me the horn
please continue.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 1:24, closed)

Welcome back!

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 17:22, closed)

Could be trimmed down a bit...(Private joke)

Welcome back Frank! - Another work of pure, unadulterated literary genius.

Please let this not be just another flying visit (I know I'm one to talk). B3ta needs you!

*Clicks*

*Goes out and buys another PC just so he can click it again*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 6 Oct 2009, 15:26, closed)