I created my current nemesis by being nice!
A few months ago the company I work for moved from some shoddy run down business park in the middle of Wakefield to a converted manor house on the outskirts. The place itself is placed in an odd location. It is surrounded by a few large houses that are owned by a few more well off people. To separate the toffs from the council estates located nearby the council has decided to leave a woodland area in-between that contain all types of wildlife. If the weather is decent I will spend my lunch hour walking around the place, it helps me wind down and gets me away from the workplace.

A few weeks back I was walking along and found a small pond. I had already started eating my sandwiches and decided to finish them off at the side of the pond watching the 3 ducks sat at the side of the water . The ducks eyed me up and slowly made their way across the pond to investigate. By the time they had reached me I had finished my sarnie and crisps and was about to eat the biscuits I had packed, one of the feathery buggers craned his neck in such a way that I thought the duck was trying to say “Ooh that looks nice can I have a try please mister”. As I was in a good mood I happily broke up two of my custard creams and threw them to my new animal friends who wolfed them down straight away.

I returned to the pond every day and would happily feed the ducks a few of my biscuits when I went. Until I forgot my lunch one day and had to buy a pasty from the local shop. I walked back past the pond and along came the ducks to greet me. As I had no biscuits I thought that they would be ok with a bit of crust from the pasty I was eating and threw it to them. Big mistake! Maybe there was some pepper on the crust or maybe Custard creams are like a drug to these feathered buggers as after one of the group tried to fit the crust down its throat it immediately spat it back up. The 3 ducks all looked at me as if to say “What the hell iis this , we wanted our biscuits dammit” I just shrugged and continued to make my way back to the office. One of the feathery buggers then decides that I must be hiding something and he is going to attempt to search me for food and starts to advance towards me flapping his wings and quacking quite loudly, I just walked away as I thought that the RSPCA (or RSPB) would jump out of somewhere nearby if I tried to kick the demented little sod.

After this incident the little fuckers have realised that they can’t trust me and will sit on the roof of one of the houses near to the woods entrance to watch me coming. For me the scene at the end of The Birds is a daily occurrence (except with 3 small custard cream addicted junkie ducks instead of murderous birds) If I even look like I am going to take a different route away from their pond the buggers will fly (well glide really) off the sodding roof towards me while quacking.

I know I should just go somewhere else for dinner but I don’t like the prospect of spending my dinner time in the office. I am also toying with the idea of putting bourbons in my lunch instead just to see how they would react, I can’t really beat the crap out of them with a squash racket can I?
(mon bison powered by magnets, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:00, 4 replies)

Ha! Birds have more intelligence than people think
I have a pet chicken, and every morning she gets a bowl of chicken feed and half a chopped up tomato. One morning I ran out of tomatoes and she stood there squawking at me and then tipped her bowl of feed over.

I always make sure I have tomatoes in now.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:15, closed)

So true
I feed wild birds while walking my dog and they certainly know what to expect. If I'm late they're waiting, tapping one foot and rolling their eyes.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 5 May 2010, 13:06, closed)

I used to have crows
I fed them every lunch time they would come and sit on the bonet of my car and I could hand feed them the crusts of my sarnies. Then.....wait for it..... they had a baby and used to bring him along for lunch too. Then I fell out of favour at work and got made redundant, I swear its because they didn't like me spending time with birds at lunch rather than them miserable bastards
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Wed 5 May 2010, 15:14, closed)

Hmm
I would have taught my family of crows to attack the fuckwit bosses....maybe that could work with the ducks
(mon bison powered by magnets, Wed 5 May 2010, 15:43, closed)