Oh god
Circa 1999 I once crossed the city of Nottingham wearing only my underpants after a night of Sambuca shots, having been kicked out of my then girlfriend's house for incessant farting - no, really. I still cringe now... especially at my parting shot to her: "Are you dumping me because I'm farting?". I have no idea if I got away with it, but somebody must have seen.

*cries*
( rofl harris, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 10:16, 3 replies)

I'll pea this - A snowy tale
It was the third week of February 2005 and it had snowed the day before, but here in Hull it had melted within about 24 hours and the roads were dry. Mrs SLVA was out, the kids were at school and I was home alone and bored. So I thought I might have a drive inland to see if there was any snow, if so I was going to park up and take some scenic pictures. So I headed towards Pocklington.

Into Pocklington, I saw a sign telling me of a scenic drive through Millington Pastures. That sounded good, so off I went, on to what become a single track road. Shit, thought I as I realised that such a tiny country lane would be nigh on impassable for my beat up old Ford Escort. But no, someone had been through with a snowplough and cleared it all. I've yet to work out why because it's the tiniest of back roads that winds in a dale between two very steep embankments. I stopped every so often and took some pics before realising I desperately needed a piss.

I pulled over at the side here

maps.google.co.uk/?ie=UTF8&ll=53.965686,-0.722812&spn=0.003206,0.006856&t=h&z=17 , hoping no one would come by now as they'd never get past what with the snow piled up either side of the lane. There was a sort of entrance to a field with a gate and I headed towards that.

maps.google.co.uk/?ie=UTF8&t=h&ll=53.966166,-0.723306&spn=0.000783,0.001725&z=19&layer=c&cbll=53.966144,-0.723158&panoid=q9jOS938vCgsbKLoGL8pKw&cbp=12,327.79,,0,17.74

As you can see there was a slight incline to the gate and I was already in the process of getting my cock out when I slipped. I put my hand down to stop myself face-planting. The snow looked about 3 inches deep and I expected a cold wet hand. No, the snow wasn't very deep at all, but the sloppy mud underneath was and my fingers sunk in. I managed to stand up but by now I was pissing like a horse and I slipped again, this time landing on both hands. Thank Christ nobody drove past to see what looked like me doing press-ups with my cock out fucking a patch of yellow snow.

I finished peeing, scrambled to my feet and began to put myself away again. It then dawned on me that my hands were muddy and I had got it on to my todger. I used a bit of snow to clean my hands and then tried to clean my penis the same way but it was cold. Very cold. Absolutely bastard freezing truth be told. "Fuck that" I thought, put myself away, zipped up and went back to the car where I pictured what I must have looked like to a passer-by and giggled like a loon.

I'd lost interest in scenic pictures by now and wanted to get cleaned up properly so I drove home, every so often hitting a patch of snow that made my car skitter sideways in the most alarming manner.

By the time I got in, Mrs Sandettie was home and was laying on the bed reading. I went upstairs, said hello and opened the wardrobe next to the bed to get some clean jeans out. I undid my jeans and took them off. She'd been feeling a bit horny when she'd come in and seeing me in my boxers she thought she'd fruit me up. She pulled my pants down and just as I remembered what had happened earlier, she uttered the line;

"Sandettie, why is your cock all brown?"
"Err, well, funny you should ask that..."
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 10:06, 4 replies)

I
Made a shitty remark about this QOTW being similar to a previous one, not taking into account the sheer effort it must take to think of a totally unique question for the 355th week in a row.

Luckily no one pays attention to me so I think I got away with it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 10:03, 1 reply)

Does everyone do this?
When I’m walking back from the pub late at night, I like to imagine that I’m an undercover spy. It helps make the journey home more interesting. I pretend that I’m getting secret messages passed to me through an earpiece and I run up behind various lampposts and duck behind parked cars. If a house has a light on, I have to stealthily creep along the pavement, so the occupiers don’t see me.
Sometimes, if I’m lucky, they’ll be someone else walking a bit ahead of me, and I try and keep myself hidden from their view. I’ve army-rolled under a bush before to stop myself being seen. I don’t think I’ve been caught yet, but who knows...
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 10:01, 8 replies)

Soap Dish
Well after wiping the cranberries from my pencil case, I upturned a limpet whilst balancing a squirrel on a babybel.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 9:40, 10 replies)

Almost a Darwin award contender

I was snorkelling and spearfishing just near the cliffs when I lived in Babbacombe (Torquay). I'd caught a couple of nice fish and left them on a rock.

I then swam away a short distance, dived down, only to come up and see a gull starting to snack on my hard won catch.

A/ Tried shouting. The result? No reaction whatsoever from a gull.

B/ Aimed speargun, pulled trigger. The initial result? Missed the gull by a smidge. The rest of the result? The discovery that speargun string, when used in the medium of air, is actually *very* elastic. The spear missed my head by, oh, about one bugger-allth of an inch.

Interesting that in the moment that it took the spear to come back, I had time to imagine how ridiculous a way this would be to die and what the post mortem report would have said..but not to duck.

I think that the gull flew away, although it may have just fallen off the rock laughing.
(BeatsWork, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 9:38, 11 replies)

She just wouldn't stop crying.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 9:11, Reply)

My mate Robert
Many years ago when we were kids he persuaded his dad to let him have an air rifle. His dad used to keep hens at the bottom of the garden and was convinced that next door's cat was half-inching baby the chicks for a mid morning snack (Yes he should have kept them in a proper chicken run with wire netting but that is another story).He told Rob "If you see that bloody cat near my hens, shoo the bugger away will you!"
Anyway, one day Rob was farting about knocking tin cans down with the said pellet gun when in strolls tiddles from next door. So he thought if he sent a pellet whizzing over it's head it would scare the damn thing half to death and it probably wouldn't bother to venture into their garden any more. So he literally shot from the hip, he did not bother to take aim, he just made sure the pellet would go in the general direction of where the cat was lurking. The cat jumped about 3 feet into the air and fell back to earth...and just stayed there motionless. Crapping himself with fear, Rob ran down to the bottom of the garden only to find that he had actually shot the bloody thing smack between the eyes! A perfect kill that the average KGB assassin would have been proud of. Talk about a fluke shot! Looking around him it appeared no one had seen the unfortunate accident so he dashed into his dad's potting shed, grabbed the nearest spade to hand and buried the unfortunate moggy where it fell, making sure it would well below normal "spade depth" if you know what I mean. For weeks afterwards his neighbour used to say to him "You have not seen our cat by any slim chance have you Robert? " Yikes!
(Mackeson_drinker, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 7:47, 5 replies)

I voted Lib Dem

(McChinaman banned, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 5:12, 4 replies)

Nobody Died, That Time
College students in New Mexico have too much time on their hands, and too many guns.

One time, I was in a dorm room with several friends, when I picked up a pistol that was said to be unloaded, pointed it at a friend's midsection, and pulled the trigger. Surprisingly, given the owner's reputation for sloppy arms-keeping, the pistol was unloaded. I was seen, and chastised (particularly by my startled friend).

Six months later, the gun's owner suffered brain damage in a motorcycle wreck. He returned only slowly to his studies, but remained just as sloppy with arms as ever. One day, another one of his friends took advantage of his slowness, locked him in his own bathroom, stole a pistol from where he had laid it on a desk, and took it away to kill another person who had been an annoyance. This fellow was seen, and chastised, but only too late.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 1:17, 7 replies)

I once did something quite similar to the zipper scene in There's Something About Mary.
I zipped up rather hastily and managed to grind the underside of my cock into the metal teeth for a good half-inch. Oh, I yelped.
Unzipping was quick, and despite some bleeding, the only damage I suffered was a couple of weeks with perfect zip-teeth cuts on my cock.
It could have been a lot worse.
(Irregular Joe last touched ham on, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 0:47, Reply)

Back when I was severely broke, I used to make a living washing pots in a pub kitchen.
Although it was 10 minutes away on public transport, I would often walk home at night instead of freezing my bollocks of waiting up to an hour for a bus that didn't even turn up most of the time - it was about an hour away on foot.

The last mile and a half of that walk was uphill nearly all the way. At the start of the hill there was a section of completely deserted road with no houses, fields, nothing; naturally, on a Sunday night it was deader than the Barnsley Young Conservatives' Club. If I was particularly tired or bored I would flamboyantly mince all the way up this road in time to my own cheerful rendition of Rihanna's "Disturbia" - "dum dum, de-dum, dum dum, de-dum dum!" - until I became too exhausted to continue or collapsed laughing.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 0:16, 2 replies)

See you next week
www.b3ta.com/questions/notwhatitlookslike/
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 0:08, 5 replies)

roasted loin of pea with a rose tinted jus.
Started working for a new company. day 5 in my new shiny job, and i feel the bowels of brimstone begin to gear up for a toilet mugging.
capitulating to the will of my sulphurous masters, i make my way to the toilet, and have a gargantuan shit. we're not talking a normal human poop, this thing felt like shitting captain caveman's club sideways, i thought it would have to be born by c-section, i'm sweating like a madman, there's a stench like a million dogfarts stored in a room full of unwashedf socks, for a brief moment i went blind, and i saw the face of god- he looked unimpressed.
now up until this point it's normal. everyday. mundane. however i should point out i'm wearing a coat (on my way out for lunch) now being a large gentleman (just large not fatc per se) it's a tight squeeze in these minimalist midget toilets (even the bog itself is retardedly low- at 6'3" that's a long way to haul ass) and as i stand up,holding the trousers of immobilising doom, my jacket catches the stupidly placed loo-roll holder.
tottering, i am left with one option, to fall back , regroup, and try a new assault. so i flop back onto the silly low toilet, at which point it loudly and rather definitively informs me i'm not a safe weight to be dropped onto it at such a forceful and untoward angle, and becomes VERY unstable.
leaping to my feet like a startled cat, i pull up my keks, and turn round to be greeted by the sight of the water draining rapidly from the bowl (god knows where to- the floor was dry as a statue's tit) and my bowel behemoth jutting proudly forth from the water like a diorama of some majestic mountain range, complete with toilet paper snow.

i did what any sensible, responsible employee would do.

i checked for witnesses, flushed, and left rapidly.
i feel for the poor maintenance man who had to wrangle mount crapatoa..
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 0:01, 7 replies)

Into the Brian Rix zone
I hate travelling on business, especially when I have to stay in shit hotels. I detest the anonymous rooms where you know the last person that stayed there wasn't enjoying themself either. Those places build up a patina of despair that mean you have to go out. So, I was sent to a London Premier Inn for the night. On arriving in my room, I realised I had to get out, and spent a pleasant evening hanging round the pubs of Putney. Home time came, and I went back to the hotel bar for a nightcap, where I spent far too long in the company of fellow travellers drinking Stella. Bad move. I eventually headed back to my room, despite the pleas of one of my fellow drinkers who wanted us to go out and find some 'girls'. I don't know what he intended to do, but if I'd have found a girl that night I'd have vomited in her lap and asked her to put me to bed.

Back in my room, I fell asleep, only to wake in the early hours bursting for a piss and thoroughly disorientated. I stumbled out of bed, and into toilet, shutting the door behind me. Imagine my surprise when I found myself bollock naked in the hotel corridor. After a few minutes of futile door-testing, I realised I was locked out. I wandered down the corridor, and the need to piss became too much so I pissed in a pot plant.( I hope no-one saw me). Which I then realised would be the ideal cover for my shameful nakedness.

Picking up the pissy pot plant, and holding it in front of me, I made my way to reception, by way of a glass walkway across the car park. I hope no-one saw me.

Arriving in reception, I was greeted with cries of "Sir, you're naked!" I growled at the receptionist a bit, and got a key off him, before scuttling back to my room through the glass walkway like a naked crayfish. I hope no-one saw me. I checked out before breakfast.
(Valentine_Sprake immanentising the eschaton since 1983, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 23:58, 3 replies)

system("rm -fr /$path/");
In a PHP CLI script. As root. On a client's server. $path not being previously set.

I managed to hit ctlr-c in about 20 seconds. Still lost a bunch of files (personal files, photos, no reason to backup) and wasted a perfect Saturday at work reinstalling.

The interesting part was coming up with an excuse. Hard drive crashed, but we have backups, you know.
(randomset, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 23:40, 9 replies)

SNOW - Part I and II
Part I - Living in a student village in Yorkshire, I decided to take it upon myself to take some scenic pictures of the crisp, deep snow which had fallen over a couple of winter days. Armed with gloves, hat and camera I ventured out into the white paradise.

Everything was fine, I took a few shots and decided I needed to take a step back to get a better angle. Everything then went wrong.

All i remember was cold, tumbling hell.
Maybe If you'd have been watching from afar, you'd have seen my gangly self, slipping backwards down a hidden embankment in what can only be described as a panicking windmill of limbs, a girly scream and then nothing but a protruding leg sticking out from a ditch and then stillness for a few seconds...

Part II


Not much to say here, besides it was just after the snow had thawed and everywhere was muddy, soggy, sloshy. Having recovered from my previous ineptitude a few days earlier, a few pints were in order...

Picture yours truly, swaggering back from the bar hours later in the dark, mildly inebriated and not paying much attention as i'm texting on my phone...

Then immediately slipping literally yards from my door, this time thought there was no reflex windmill action, nor a girly scream, just a full on instant freezing mud bath.

To the best of my knowledge nobody saw these moments of buffoonery and only you guys know...
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 23:33, Reply)

The height of professionalism
Cut through a bundle of cable without checking it was live.

Sparks / Noise / Blasphemy / Sexual Swearing / Brown Pants

Did actually look (left / right) to see if anyone had seen it - negative.

Resolved to put this into the training folio for junior engineers not to do.

Twat.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 23:29, Reply)

Caught Peeing Standing Up
As the village tranny I often get asked "Hey Tranny. What's the most embarassing thing that's ever happened to you?"
Being a tranny, nothing shames me except for two small things.
One, being caught pissing standing up and
Two, the local thug coming on to me before I explain in a deep voice that he's not my type.

Both events have ended in violence on more than one occasion. Which is much more agreeable than bum-rape.
(Bonanzo Best Before:, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 22:33, Reply)

I was on holidays in Portugal and [something about tapas][something about kidnap]
I'm so edgy, me.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 22:21, 3 replies)

Flying Condom
I used to wear trainers with the laces bundled up under the insoles. Occasionally the laces would work their way out and they would need to be put back inside. One time at work they were really uncomfortable at the end of a work day and I pulled my trainer off, yanked the insole out and a used condom came flying out of my shoe and landed on a colleague's desk. It was the condom that had vanished last night at my gf's house - we'd looked ofr it but were mystified as to where it had gone. My shoe was where.

My colleague and I just stared at it for a moment until I swept it off my desk into the bin cool as anything and just said "bye then" and walked out of the office as if nothing had happened and it was never mentioned again, thank god
(Nathalie Imbruglia's Cellist's Cello, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 22:07, 3 replies)

Accidental Toilet Ceiling Mishap
An evening's drinking in the fairly busy student union (c***), a visit to the loo.

Wondering if I could swing from that flimsy looking bar.

Whole ceiling comes down complete with a heavy light crashing off my shoulder.

Quick look around, only a couple of the cubicles were occupied

I was the only one at the urinals (how?)

Sharp exit, sat with head down.

Barstaff were alerted by concerned sh1tter.

All hell breaks loose, fingers pointed, total lack of witnesses.

Unisax loos for the rest of the night (result).

Gents were shut for six weeks due to vandalism.

Scott free but inwardly very contrite.
(ndeezy, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 21:03, Reply)

Another power kiting tale
I was flying one of my kites on the field at my old school some years ago, just as people were leaving for the day. I'd been doing a few jumps using a 10ft bank for extra height. As the group of people at the bottom had grown to include about fifty children of various ages, I decided to really go for it. I ran like a madman toward the edge, swung the kite over my head and leapt into the void.

I was flying! I was flying! I was easily 15ft up! I was... not paying attention to where the kite was!

*Cartoon moment where I hovered, immobile, some 10ft off the ground*

*Drop*



Don't think I ever really lived that one down.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 20:53, 1 reply)

My oh so hilarious phone manner
If I'm expecting a call at work or home from a friend or family, I like to answer the phone thus: "Hello, Madame Zsa's Tangerine Massage Parlour. Gervaise speaking, how may I be servicing you?" (My wife found it amusing once, ten years ago. And has regretted it ever since.)

Thing is ... sometimes it's not who I expect on the phone. Sometimes it's work or something important. And then I have to hang up. And wait for them to call back so I can pretend to be a serious grown-up rather than, say, an immature choob with the sense of humour of a not-very-funny 12-year-old.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 20:46, 4 replies)

Jumanji
was her name (that my friends gave her). I'm just glad no one saw the deed being done.
(RJWEcology is just sharpening his axe on, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 20:46, 3 replies)

Walking Into Lamppost Whilst Ogling French Sailors
(I was a high school lass at the time).

I don't think I got away with it as there was a very loud "spang" noise. There may have also been birdies flying around my head like in an old Warner Bros cartoon.
(lonelybadger, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 20:33, 4 replies)

Mersey View Frodsham, circa 2000ish
I pulled a rather classy young lady and decided to take it to the next level. We ventured into the very quiet fruit machine room for some heavy petting, apparently not banned in shit night clubs.. anyway, there we were getting it on, my hand ventured into her jeans and she stopped me with the exclamation 'errr, I'm on' I said 'so?' (I was pissed in my defence) she said ' ok then, put her hand down her pants, pulled out the jam rag and threw it on the floor. Well sod it I thought, in for a penny and all that. I got more and more frisky and we ended up shagging over the pinball machine. Nice!

Did I get away with it? Did I fuck! I walked in the next day and the bouncers asked me to follow them, we walked upstairs (me shitting myself wondering what I'd done) they plonked me down in the office and showed me the cctv footage of me full frontal pissed out of my face banging a bird on the glass, tampon in view on the floor.

Oh the shame! Got in free for a few weeks after though, so not all was bad!!
(Kip, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 20:33, 3 replies)

Midsummer fun
An acquaintance (dude off a mountain biking internet forum where I knew most other people in the flesh, but not this particular one) decided to organise a naked mountain bike race on midsummer evening.

The list of participants was huge (well, 10) but as the day approached they found their babysitters had cancelled on them, including those without kids. In the end there were three of us left.

About 5 minutes before I arrive, participant 3's better half texts me to say he's stuck in work and won't be coming. That left me, and a painter/decorator I'd never met before.

After being brave enough to ask the only other guy in the car park who I'd never met before if he was here for the naked bike riding, we headed off out of the car park to a quiet spot before we got butt naked and headed off down some rocky singletrack.

There were a few close shaves: as we got to a road section we waited behind the trees for a car to pass (I don't think they saw us anyway) and as we passed a farm the dogs started barking and coming after us to investigate the hairy masses passing through their patch.

We donned our lycra for the final descent back to the car park. Which was lucky as I crashed out on a bend and had to limp back bleeding at the elbows. The lycra saved me from gravel rash in places you don't really want gravel rash.

Luckily the fuzz weren't out that night (or anyone else for that matter) as I doubt they would have believed our story, especially with just the two of us there.
( thistle, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 20:05, Reply)

I took a cannon ball to my leg in the great war. They were going to amputate but fortunately the head surgeon came by and talked them out of it and saved my leg. I can walk fine now so I'm glad nobody sawed me.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 19:38, 1 reply)