Oh god, this is grim
Got back to my car after a long day at work, only to discover that some friendly bird had done an enormous poop on my windscreen, right in the middle of my field of vision.

I had nothing in the car to clean it off with - no water, no tissues, no scraper, nothing. But I couldn't have driven off, I wouldn't have been able to see anything.

So I cleaned it off with my hand.

Then, I reached into my pocket for my car keys. As I pulled them out, I had a bizarre moment of brain-fade and thought "What's that all over my hand?".

So I cheerfully licked my hand.

And then, of course, realised exactly what it was. And then immediately commenced with hacking, gagging and spitting to try and get the bird poop out of my mouth. I am an idiot. An idiot who was lucky not to be ill. An idiot who was also very lucky not to be seen by anyone for doing something so stupid and embarrassing.
( biscuitbiscuit is in ur garden, watering ur plantz, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 18:24, 18 replies)

will you have a cup of tea to wash that down?
ah, g'wano....
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 18:34, closed)

oh that's good!
teehee.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Fri 28 Jan 2011, 18:39, closed)

Whenever anyone mentions "guano"
a mental picture comes to mind of a man stabbing spiders with a length of wire, followed by crabs scuttling over a naked woman.

Just me?
( argyleblanket The man on the roof works for me, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 22:09, closed)

Not just you.
Book or film?
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sat 29 Jan 2011, 0:32, closed)

Doctor No, the book.
Doctor No's hideout is under a giant mountain of guano. He runs Bond through a human-sized rat maze, one corridor of which is filled with spiders.

Doctor No attempts to kill the book's Bond girl by staking her out on the mountain in the path of a bunch of crabs, expecting her to die the death of a thousand pinches. Our clever heroine outwits the fiend by lying really still.

In retrospect, a bit of a crap book, really, but the first time I'd seen the word "guano" in print.
( argyleblanket The man on the roof works for me, Sat 29 Jan 2011, 9:21, closed)

it always makes me think of ace ventura

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 29 Jan 2011, 14:35, closed)

Im looking for a dolphin,
And a clean pair of shorts!
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Mon 31 Jan 2011, 2:12, closed)

Not just "I like this"
I "Fucking love this!"


And Smash's reply too by the way:-)
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 18:40, closed)

:)

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 30 Jan 2011, 1:24, closed)

Yikes.
Do you always lick your hands after finding some unknown substance smeared on them?

Cause I find that a bit weird.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 20:02, closed)

I find it weird too, to be honest.
It's not something I'd normally do. Really.

The only explanation I can give you is that I think my brain sped back through the "I've got no tissues, no water..." loop again, and concluded that the only way to get my hands clean would be through the magic of lick, before I realised what the hell I was doing.
( biscuitbiscuit is in ur garden, watering ur plantz, Sat 29 Jan 2011, 22:15, closed)

So tell us
what did it taste like ?
(Bitter and Twisted, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 21:41, closed)

Oh god, oh god
I'm gagging just thinking about it. Gritty. Dirty. Tangy. Chalky. Oh god.
( biscuitbiscuit is in ur garden, watering ur plantz, Sat 29 Jan 2011, 22:16, closed)

What...
...did you do to make her want to shit on your car? I thought you said she was friendly!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Fri 28 Jan 2011, 22:54, closed)

I could be wrong here
But dont most cars come with a built in window scraping device? admittedly I tend to use mine for the removal of water but I would assume that they would do the job on poo as well
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Sat 29 Jan 2011, 10:23, closed)

Not only that
but I'm pretty sure most cars also have a water squirty thing. To aid in removal of said poop.
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Sat 29 Jan 2011, 13:48, closed)

An excellent point.
And my Clio had both wipers and washers. And you know what? Trying them - the most obvious things for the job - didn't even occur to me at the time.

Clearly, I am even more of an idiot than I first thought. Yay, me.
( biscuitbiscuit is in ur garden, watering ur plantz, Sat 29 Jan 2011, 22:22, closed)

Grim indeed.
But very funny.
( Evil Bastardo, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 11:53, closed)