My dad and his mates, back in their hazy college days
were walking along a country trail back to their geology field-trip HQ, after a lengthy session of 'refreshments' at a picturesque local pub. Halfway back, they saw a hiker in a nearby field, gripping onto a tall metal structure and shaking like a shitting dog. After a moment's confusion, the utter horror slowly dawned on them - the unlucky bloke had got too close to a pylon, and was currently in the extremely painful process of being flash-fried from the inside out.

Quick as pissed lightening, my dad's mate Steve yelled 'SHIT! I know what to do here - you lot stay back!', wrenched a big fuck-off plank from a nearby fence, and, brandishing it over his head, charged like greased buggery into the field. When he got near the hiker, he brought it down as hard as he could with a massive fucking CRACK! on the guy's outstretched, pylon-clutching arm.

The net result was a blood-curdling scream, a shattered humerous, and Steve having to explain to the local constabulary why he'd smashed up the arm of a man who was already having a bad enough day as it was - he was a radio mast maintenance worker who'd stepped in a massive cow pat whilst crossing the field, and had, when he was brutally and needlessly attacked, been innocently leaning on the tethering cable of the mast he'd been sent to fix, trying vigorously to shake and scrape the worst of it off his welly.

In the end, poor boozy Steve managed to make the smirking copper believe his idiotic story, but was, hilariously, slapped with a hefty fine for drunkenly vandalising a fence.
( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 11:23, Reply)

BrrrrmskrreeechthudskreeechagainshitBANG!
Having passed my test I finally got to buy a real motorbike. Yamaha RD350LC (those in the know will realise I am quite old).

Day after buying it I leave school to pop down the shops. Hit some wet leaves on a bend and the bike goes sideways. Arse. Manage to collect the slide, but I've turned through about 45 degrees and hit the kerb. Still manage to land and control it, so now I'm doing about 20mph on the footpath towards some old dear and her dog. Haul on the brakes, lose the front end and finally smack into the tarmac, leaving some of my arse behind as I'm wearing jeans which wear out before I come to a halt.

So, to recap, I'm lying on the ground, slightly stunned and in some pain, but actually relatively unhurt, certainly nothing broken. What does worry me is that I'm in the middle of the road, trapped awkwardly under a fairly heavy motorbike, around a blind corner, so carsa coming around it probably wont have time to stop before going over me.

What I need now is a helpful person to get the bike off me. What I clearly don't need is some ungrateful old bint who I've just saved from certain injury by damaging myself and my new bike (OK, so if I'd been going slower she wouldn't have been in danger in the first place), lecturing me on the dangers of riding motorbikes while I'm lying on the floor.

Fortunately, her dog didn't decide to relieve itself on me, although it would have been good for added comedy value.

Fortunately a friend arrived after a couple of minutes and rescued me, and no-one played me Dido.
(Throbbe, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 11:21, Reply)

concussion
when i was 10(ish) i got concussion when i fell while being towed on my rollerblades by a rope attached to a freinds bike (a chrome mongoose BMX i was so jealous of him)that was pretty bad; i blacked out and woke up in hospital throwing up regularly. then to my horror i found out it was infront of the girl i liked (like only 10 year olds can) house and EVEN worse than that i had got blood on and slightly ripped my favourite t-shirt - a purple space jam one.

my mum gave me a bollocking later when she found out what i did and no sympathy. booooo

edit: Randall4k, i think you worded that wrong you should say: 'being the slackers they are, they took gcse media studies'
(woo who?, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 11:19, Reply)

Tale of the broken camera
Ah. I was helping a friends group to edit their GCSE Media production, as being the slackers they are (no hard feelings if you're reading this, people!)they had next to no time left.(Ironically, the hard drive crashed, losing this production, and they had to make it again...) Four teenage boys in a cramped room, with our young IT support man.

He proceeded to show us the new Sony cameras that had just arrived at the school. Cool, they were quality things and made noises like aeroplane lights (Fasten Seat belt, head between legs.. those lights).

So, the It person wandered off trusting us for a few minutes. One of us (not me, I swear), proceeded to toy with the camera. He opened the slot for the DV tape, and it got stuck and the camera died. To my knowledge the weeny bit of factory-charge on the battery had just run out.

Well, the IT support person came back in and found as with the camera, and wandered out again. We all sat round the Media computer, and watched one of the group edit their production so far on Pinnacle. He was previewing it, playing the song 'The Film - Can you trust me'; know, music from that Peugeot ad.

Well, the headteacher came in and started giving us the what for, ("New cameras, not supposed to use them until they've been prepared. You're the oldest students in the school, I should be able to trust you.." Quite rightly so!) whilst this poxy embarressing music was playing. He said 'Can I really trust you anymore?", and the music in the background echoed 'Can you trust me?! Ah ah ah ah..'. God, that was one of the longest moments in my life. I wished my friend stopped that bloody music playing because for all I knew the teacher could have just exploded with the irony.

Bah.
(Randall4k, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 11:05, Reply)

Bees
When I was a nipper, a wasp flew into my shorts. Not coming out, a 'friend' of mine thought he'd kill it by kicking me in the nuts. That didn't work, but through the throbbing, I felt the half dead wasp (It's tail was half attached, with some funky innards hanging out) sting me on the gentleman....
Never going to Longleat again..
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 11:03, Reply)

illness, worms & ex in-laws
A few years ago Mr thecatsapprentice was very ill (pneumonia) - started off with leg twice usual size and went downhill from there:

- in hospital just before xmas, breathing painful, unable to sleep, both lungs (double pneumonia) full of gunk;

- nurse provides medication which causes sickness, sick bowl thus reveals the inch long worm that has been residing in his belly since his last plate of seafood;

The 'there was no need for that' bit was being unable to get home for Xmas and having to spend it with his the parents of his ex girlfriend (she the dumpee).

Oh, and when he got pneumonia again on our honeymoon I thought he was being whingey-man- with-cold so ordered him on plane to Mexico, where he ended up laid up in bed getting injections of antibiotics to the bum every 12 hours - whilst I sunned myself on the beach (our marriage being based on mutual understanding). Still, at least he can say he spent the first 4 days of his honeymoon in bed...
(thecatsapprentice, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 10:56, Reply)

casino overtime
I was 11 hours into a 14-hour (day/night) shift which I was doing as a favour to management. I'd sworn off overtime six months previously as I realised it was making me behave erratically.

Having so far had a shitty (friday) night meant I was pretty zeppelined off, but the icing on the cake was when they decided this was an opportune time to give me a disciplinary hearing based on my refusal to learn the numbers on a roulette wheel in order.

I went apeshit and never went back to work ever again. Which is rather inconvenient now, as I'd rather like to rent one of their car parking spaces, but I don't trust myself to be calm as they owe me £300 in wages.
(Sathington Willoughby, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 10:50, Reply)

There was no need for what I did..
Me and a mate went to our local rock club which was, for a Friday, totally empty. We thought we'd drown our sorrows by inventing drinks at the bar and downing them.

I went to the loo (not that pissed) and woke up with the sound of the bouncer kicking the door in. Seems I'd been there for about 2 hours asleep and it was closing.

My mate got me outside and I threw up in the doorway of the Alcohol Advisory Clinic. (Certainly no need for that!)

To end the evening he propped me up against a lamp post and said "Stay there, I'm getting chicken!" and went into the takeaway. Instantly forgetting him I saw a taxi pull up, so I lurched forward and jumped inside with a "Home James!" look about me and as we drove off I watched my mate come out of the shop holding a chicken burger looking at me like I'm some kind of cranberry.

What a bastard I am.
(kna has forgotten everything., Thu 16 Jun 2005, 10:43, Reply)

Not sure if this is a no need for that, probably is though.
A few months back my Bruv came to visit me and the missus down in Cov. After a 'fun' night out in the clone a pubs of the skydome I ended up in a bit of a scuffle over a taxi. My bruv was trying to restrain me and my missus was obviously less than impressed (I was king of the world *). The police showed up pretty sharpish to their credit and proceeded to threaten to arrest my bruv. Now there was no need for that since he was doing abosolutely nothing. Things got even more uncalled for after that......
Once the police had gone and we'd all been seperated a taxi pulled up and the idiot managed to rile me again so I went for him. In the proceeding scuffle I didn't realise that he'd got in the taxi and gone and that the people I'd been fighting were by bro and my missus. The damage list was a swollen nose for my missus caused by my head and a broken thumb for my bruv. I sobered up rather quickly after that and am now a changed man. Now there's no need for that!

*A drunken arse
( Evil Bastardo, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 10:21, Reply)

After imbibing
a good quantity of absinthe and much free beer, courtesy of medical reps, I made my way back to my Brussells hotel. Got Lost in hotel. Ended up on the roof. Four hours later and crying because I couldnt find my way back, I phoned the police.

They called me "A drunk english idiot" and hung up on me. Not needed...

I had to sleep on the roof until I sobered up.
( Beejay Proper old bastard, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 10:06, Reply)

Absolutely no need... and there wasn't!
Was it not bad enough that I had to accompany my ex-girlfriend to the clap clinic and sit in the waiting room surrounded by dirty scrubbers that once I was there she thought it would be a good idea for me to get checked too. Cue me proceeding to a small cubical where a lady inserted a cotton wool bud into my japs eye!... it might scratch a little... it scratched a chuffing lot!

Still we were both as clean as a whistle so to speak... just went as a precaution!
(The Duke of Pontefract, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 9:54, Reply)

Anger management
Took friends from work for a spin in my pride and joy of the time, a brand new Clio 172. Pulled back into the car park at work, throught "I'll show 'em the brakes" and proceeded to park at speed. And miss the brake pedal. Wrapped £15k of 2 day old car round a 3 foot concrete post.

Angry? Moi?

I got out. I inspected damage. I Shouted "Bollocks" as loud as I could. I kicked the fence above the post in anger.

My foot went right through the fence, and the momentum of the kick picked me up and planted me firmly down on my arse. Thanks very much, shoddy fence makers.
(Tinium, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 9:51, Reply)

not me, very fortunately
2 or 3 years ago, a friend of mine was training for his sunday league team, and took a football to the nose at a thunderous speed. He was sent "not rushed) to hospital, and diagnosed with a broken nose, which needed much rest, and so he couldn't play football.

The next day was a sunday, and he reluctantly stood on the sidelines to watch the game.

Lets just say that someone didn't add insult to injury, merely added injury to further injury. He has to wait 2 more years before he can have the corrective surgery....
(acharps, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 9:48, Reply)

As a child of around seven years old,
I was on my way to the seaside, Blackpool to be precise. During my joyous journey to the train station, my sister and I were confronted by our school gates, which, when closed, has a gap just wide enough to let one person through. Needless to say, we took it upon ourselves to disprove the 'one at a time' theory, and ran headlong towards said gap. We neared the tiny portal, and tragedy struck. Our legs caught on each other, and entangled, down we both went. My sister, five years old at the time, was overcome by the pain present in her slightly grazed shins, and began to quietly sob. My mother rushed to her side, and comforted her for a few minutes, until turning her attention to me...

...I lay on the ground with a large, sharp rock, roughly the size of a half-brick, embedded into my leg just under the knee-cap, blood turning my lower leg a deep crimson, and me too out of it to even cry..."Off to casualty", mother cried, and away we went, but not before dropping my little sister at the station to enjoy a day at the beach.

What made this worse, even after being denied the excrement-filled beaches of Blackpool, having a rock stuck in my leg, and watching my little sister swan off to the beach in my place, was when they came to clean the wound.

The nurse comforted me, assured me that I would feel no pain, and gave me a little local anaesthetic. She then, before the anaesthetic had taken effect, proceeded to clean my slightly gritty wound.

With a toothbrush.

Now, there was no need for that...
( Mr.Ons knows you can hear him, Earthmen., Thu 16 Jun 2005, 9:48, Reply)

I went to the cinema
last week to watch the League of Gentlemen film.

Got there late and missed the trailers (I hate that), the film was crap (no belly laughs, just a couple of chuckles) and to top it all I ate a whole super-sized popcorn (salted) to myself and felt really sick.

OK, the last bit was my own fault but frankly staying in and watching Celeb Love Island would have been more fun (yes, the film was that shite) and saved me a bob or two!
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 9:34, Reply)

Tonay and buffy!
There's absofuckinglutely no need for that!
( Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Yes, that one!, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 9:34, Reply)

Pools of Blood
I fell off my bike when I was about 10, going round a corner at ludicrous speed. Couldn't move, couldn't feel my legs or arms, but could feel blood pouring down my face into my nose, eyes and mouth. Along comes old woman with dog who proceeds to lick the blood from my face, before exclaiming that it bloody served me right. Stupid kids out at all hours (it was about 2pm on a Saturday).

There was certainly no need for that, stupid bitch. Found out who she was and egged her house good and proper when I finally got out of hospital.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 9:34, Reply)

Faultykyle
If it WAS that essential to complete that part of the game... why not just ignore your phone or say "Soz Unc, canny chat now"?!

*BELM*
(Banky fucking Edwards, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 9:21, Reply)

Good ol' uncle
I was a huge fan of Zelda. I was playing majoras mask and id gotten up to this bit that u spend the whole three days within the game (if you dont know whati mean, i dont care) working up to just so u can get a bloody mask.

I finally get up to this bit that took me three attempts to reach. and my phone rings. this is the only part of the game where you CANT pause. and u have a thirty second time limit.

I run to the phone. pick it up and run back. Its my uncle (go figure) and he wants a chat. so im playing the most difficult part of the game one handed and i end up dieing.

It took me four more attempts to reach that part again. Bloody relatives
( faultykyle, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 9:11, Reply)

I once ran into
a badly placed bollard, smashing my nuts up good and proper. while tearfully lying on the floor a group of lads came around the corner engrossed in a game of 30-a-side football.
I got to my feet and attempted to leave. Needless to say someone scored a goal and subsequently smacked me right in the gonads.
The lad in question came running over to me not to ask if i was ok....no no to laugh and point....i look back on that day as a golden age where as a man you could cry like a girl and bitch slap 15yr olds & run away (well he did point & laugh.).
(C.J Hixon L.I.P, The drinking man's shipping forecast., Thu 16 Jun 2005, 9:07, Reply)

Was all that really necessary?
Having to tell a guy who'd had a crush on me for a while that I already liked someone else while both guys were in the same (chat) room, and then having to see the first guy at church every weekend. We're friends, although I fear he still has a thing for me based on our Q&A sessions -

Him: Can I ask you something personal?
Me: Shoot.
Him: Can I perform oral on you?
Me: No.

Also, after breaking up with the guy I liked, one of the first songs I hear on the radio is fecking Dashboard Confessional (bloody Emo, it's fine music to slit your wrists to).

In an earlier incident, having to hear another guy I didn't like repeatedly say "But I am persuing you!" while trying to dissuade him from talking to me/hiding my face/pretending not to hear him.
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 8:58, Reply)

Luv gaming
As well as the ultimate joy of my Playstation crashing as I was about to beat Sephiroth for the first time in Final Fantasy 7 after an hour long battle (!) and 60 hours worth of gameplay to get there, the result of me throwing my joypad across the room straight after this was the pad exploding into many pieces off the wall.

Joy.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 8:36, Reply)

yesterday
i had my ass crack shaved with a blunt razor and no shaving foam by my consultant who then proceeded to inject a vast quatity of fluid up inside my sacrum. imagine the feeling of immense pressure building up within your lower back that makes it feel like its going to explode. and not in a good way. then they ripped the sterile sheet that had been gaffa taped to my arse off. i lost a lot of hair yeasterday. it was painful and upsetting. bloody eastern european nurses.

bert
( bertisfantastic bert is a sleepy bear, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 8:32, Reply)

Attn: Shopkeepers, Railway Staff et al
I'm sure you've had this.

A train you absolutely need to catch, for a live-improving job interview? - "Sorry, just missed it, it went 30 seconds ago"

Something you really need in a shop? "Nah luv, we sold out just 1 minute ago!"

As if missing out isn't bad enough - NO NEED to compound the pain by stating how tantalisingly close you came to getting it...
( Strangey is present at, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 8:17, Reply)

As if having potentially the worst day at work ever wasn't bad enough
After dealing with overly fussy Germans, motorists who loudly and violently blame shopworkers for their parking fines, and generally having to spend my day smelling peoples feet (working as I did in a shoe shop at the time) I then proceeded to crash my pride and joy into a surprisingly invisible-at-the-time six foot wide concrete pillar.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 8:15, Reply)

I had a staff member telling me that her son was in hospital with pneumonia the other day,
And at the exact moment that tears started welling up in her eyes, my assistant ran past making pigeon noises. As a reflex I joined in.
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 8:14, Reply)

Two words ...
"Crazy frog."

/made worse by gratuitous undercarriage
( badg3r :: what are you insinuating, you equity ponce? last considered changing his board sig on, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 8:01, Reply)