Noel Edmonds likes to stand on a sofa and wee on young children
NOEL SOFA WEE NONCE
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 20:02, Reply)

I once tried to buy a production of classical Japanese musical drama, but they'd only let me buy if I agreed to set up a dam on a Scottish loch
It was a case of Noh sale for weir Ness
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 18:43, Reply)

Fire blossomed from the sky, just as it did in young mmps guts.
He watched the dark night illuminated by the strobing fire of alien shed weaponry and light up his best chum and lover, Shedulus.
"Fuck-a-doodle-do," mmps exclaimed as his cock twitched, stretching the shiny material of his 1998 Crystal Palace replica shorts. Shedulus gave him a crooked smile as he fired some Bosch AHS 50-16 hedge trimmer 500mm blade length 450W death at the evil greenhouseicons. A little bit of spunk dribbled out mmps swollen cock end.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 18:14, 7 replies)

I had a midnight kebab once, and there must have been some garlic sauce leakage
The next day I wore the same pair of jeans out and about. It wasn't until late afternoon I bothered to look down and noticed I had several large crusy white stains around the fly, standing out like dog's balls.
That's my story, anyway, and I'm sticking to it
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 16:30, 6 replies)

Ironically time-management and motiviation were listed as key traits on my CV
Instead of sneaking out of work two hours early as per, I've overshot and now will only get out 1:50 early. Damn you, b3ta.
(brutal stack Raided the beeves of Apollo on, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 16:14, Reply)

Sen' raw half lesson
was it, tartare steak for lesson incomplete an me sent they and did I; mail by courses cookery do never.
(roysin, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 14:55, 4 replies)

I like it when needy dulls create new accounts to continue whimpering when their earlier dull accounts have all been ignored for being too dull.
It's briiluant.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 14:40, 13 replies)

"Comedy web sites"
Have you noticed how some have gone from "openly mocking ourselves by posting humorous anecdotes" to "Openly mocking others for posting humorous anecdotes"?

Seems some are blissfully unaware of this fact, and use the "Well you must love me or you wouldn't reply" defence.

I admit some banter is funny and clever, but a hardened few just don't seem to think they are mocking others for doing what they are doing themselves. I know I've been guilty of baiting some of these "men" myself, but come on Shambollock. Deleting posts because you're losing an argument...
(BlondeBombshell Small but perfectly formed., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 14:24, 84 replies)

On a serious note...
Anyone who dresses in golfing clothes.

Tartan trousers should be restricted to cartoon bears.
( Muns, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 12:53, 13 replies)

My friend Vanessa visited a wig shop..
...in the hope of obtaining a 'real' wig on a special offer price. She was well know to the staff in the shop who were on first name terms with her, so, when she asked if they had such an item she received the reply 'Sorry, no sale of hair, Ness'.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 12:45, 2 replies)

To cut a long story short,
the computer would have decided that the best way to protect Noel Edmunds would have been to destroy him.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 12:18, Reply)

I'm in work right now
Don't want my boss catc
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 10:18, 2 replies)

B3ta is crap and your all cunts lol

(McChinaman banned, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 9:46, 17 replies)

Nose elf a wire mess

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 8:14, 2 replies)

Since everyone else is doing it.
I used to be a mountain guide. In the Rockies. As any guide who has been to the Rockies knows that's where many American Eagles like to make their homes. Some make their nests in trees which we would call ground nests and some like to build their nests in aeries high up on top of natural pillars and crags which we would call air nests.
One of my jobs was to take various celebs climbing. We had a few golden rules - many of the birds that nested lower down would be ok with people looking into the nest and even interacting with the eggs and chicks. The birds that nested higher up understandably weren't as accommodating and would often attack if provoked.
One day I had the (mis)fortune to take a famous black gentleman and his very attractive wife with boobs (EDITED for bad advice) on a tour. This was before their recent breakup. I can't remember her name but he was the bloke that sang "Kiss from A Rose". I explained to them both about how the birds with higher perches did not like anyone messing with their eggs or chicks.
We spent the morning looking at nests near the ground and eventually we climbed a stack to look at a perch higher up. As we approached the nest from below the woman reached up to try and grasp one of the eggs.
I cried out -
"No, Seal's wife - air nest!"
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 6:44, 3 replies)

My mate did some time in stir for defrauding a bank.
Apparently he got a TINY little place to be banged up in whilst all the nonces had HUGE roomy spaces to be locked up in.
No cell fairness.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 22:30, 6 replies)

I will post on topic too but for the record
I think being overly self-aware is almost worse. People who over analyse every single last thing and have seen one or more therapists for 6 months or more can be much more painful and tedious than the blissfully ignorant, no?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 21:44, 6 replies)

I worked with this guy
let's call him Bob. He was a bit - well, hard to say what, really, but if you saw him you'd know straight away 'something' was going on. Is he autistic, had he been dropped on the head when he was a baby, is he some kind of genetic mutation - could have been anything. Let's just say he was - unique. Special.

He was employed only to do the most menial of chores and to his credit he did them well - distributing post, photocopying, filing, etc. and in all the years I knew him he was never late or off sick. So in one sense he was a good worker - reliable, dependable - but only in his comfort zone. Ask him to do anything else and he would spaz out, sometimes spectacularly. He couldn't answer the phone - he was way too nervous, and had a speech impediment that made his mouth fill up with saliva until it dribbled out of his mouth or he swallowed it. He also never - NEVER! - wiped his ass after having a shit.

He would regularly pick his nose with the intensity of a hardcore anal porn performer.

His BO wasn't too bad, but once you smelt it, you didn't want to ever smell it again. Like a pot of coleslaw that's been left out in the sun for three hours.

He had a problem with farting - or rather, WE had a problem with HIM farting - this is where the lack of self-awareness comes in. He would regularly let rip with the most obnoxious chuffers it has ever been my 'pleasure' to experience. The sound would start as a low growl - imagine a very angry cat - then sharply rise to an astounding and very wet-sounding crescendo - MMMMMMPsssssstthhHHHHHHRRRRPPTHTHHTHHSHTHSHHSHTBBRAAAAPPPPPRPRPTSSSSSHHH!
- something that Jonny Fartpants out of Viz would consider a masterpiece.

Whilst in the process of letting this fart, Bob's face would remain as immobile as a waxwork, his eyes intent on the computer screen in front of him, his fingers tapping away, seemingly oblivious to the 'events down below.'

Fart emitted, the smell would then permeate the office. Those in the know would have legged it at the first subsonic growl - those remaining would experience an odour of, fuck, how to describe it? It was definitely beefy, and definitely eggy, due to Bob's diet of pies and pasties and crisps and all manner of shite. But there was something else... as though something had crawled up Bob's arse and died, there to remain, its rotting carcass contributing to the feculent miasma of Bob's anal emissions. But - but there was something else again... the smell of mucus; if you've ever smelt someone's breath when they have a bad cold, that was there as well. All in all, the worst smell I have ever ever smelt ever.

Bob's farts have caused a senior officer to below "What the HELL's that?" They have made a 19 year old temp girl run, sobbing from the office. They have made Post-It notes curl up. They have rendered a cup of tea that I once abandoned in the blast area undrinkable - I COULD ACTUALLY TASTE HIS FART SMELL IN MY TEA. Jesus Pissflaps. Once, he followed through, and, whilst he was in the bog 'cleaning up' (bet he never washed his hands), Facilities Management quickly replaced his chair, and the soiled one had to be burned.

Bob, Bob, fucking farty Bob, I'm so glad I no longer work with you. For this and many other reasons which may well come to light in future QOTWs.

(There you go! A proper story. Anyone looking for a pun can shit off).
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 21:06, 30 replies)

Something about "haha lol sad shut-ins"
Repeated ad infinitum by people who are always here sneering at sad shut-ins.

Ironylolometer broken.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 17:01, 12 replies)

so when is everyone getting stepped?
or is it only sheds that tweak the ballbags of the mods?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 15:53, 4 replies)

nose alpha warn us

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 15:39, Reply)

Something something something something
it was a gnome chef chair mess AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 14:40, 1 reply)

Noel Edmonds has a company that rents out boats powered by giant fans.
NOELS SELF-DRIVE AIRBOATS
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 14:13, 2 replies)

I've nearly completed my Panini sticker Old Testament.
Just Noah, Seth and Uel left.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 14:09, Reply)

Noel Edmonds set up a brothel for people who like having sex with aquatic creatures.
NOELS SEALIFE WHOREHOUSE
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 13:05, Reply)

GIANT FUCKING SHIT-PUNS
CUNTS
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Sun 2 Dec 2012, 12:58, 5 replies)

Noel Edmonds wrapped a large marine mammal in clingfilm for some reason.
NOELS CELLOPHANE WALRUS
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 12:56, Reply)

Who is Nick Frost playing here? Don't ask me, I don't know.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 11:39, 7 replies)