I was 11 years old...
...and hanging out with my brother, his rough-as-fuck-slapper of a girlfriend who really was named Shaz (I think they were about 14 or so at the time), and her equally ahem, free-spirited mate who was a year or so younger than my brother's squeeze. I'm almost certain that her name was Tracey. What are the chances?

Anyway, I barely knew what sex was back then, and when my brother disappeared into a derilict house with slapper in tow, I was left alone with her mate. We didn't have much in common and I didn't like her very much (a bit too coarse for me - sugar and spice is an old-fashioned set of values, I know, but believe me, she was waaay over the other side of the line) so conversation trailed off quickly.

So, in leiu of something to talk about she jumped onto my lap (thankfully she was fairly svelte) and started snogging my face off. I went along, but was slightly disgusted all the same*. Then she started to undo my jeans.

Me: 'What are you doing?'
Her: '{nodding toward the house} There's plenty more rooms in there, you know'
Me: 'Eh? {grabbing at her hands} I asked what you're doing'
Her: 'I want to have a look at it'
Me: 'Tough. Get off me, I'm off home'

She wasn't convinced and carried on. I had to bodily shove the girl off me, putting her on her arse. Then home I went to play on my Atari, accompanied by much profane reproach from mini-slapper, which at the time I thought was harsh seeing as she was the one 'being all rude and that'. My brother later asked what I was thinking walking off when I 'could have been into her for sure'. He tried to make me understand and failed - I didn't work it out for years. These days, I wonder what he was thinking - I was 11 for fuck's sake - I didn't even have puebs back then :)

With hindsight, the claim that I popped it at age 11 would have been quite cool, but I'm still glad I didn't because losing it to a slapper named Tracey isn't cool at all. The girl who did pop it a couple of years later was a bit shit* if I'm honest but still, she had a bit more class and made up in quantity what she lacked in quality.

* For those who don't know, I worked out that I was a gay at age 27 - these are the moments I look back on and think 'Why the fuck didn't I figure it out sooner?'
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 13:43, Reply)