It's another shiny morning! I could get used to this.
So, my fellow B3TANS, what has the recent run of warm weather inpired you to do? Have you started a diet/fitness regime so you can fit into that slinky bikini/spandex budgie smugglers? Have you bought half of the stock of the local garden centre to transform your outside space? Have you succumbed to the 'spring clean' bug and bleached your abode from top to bottom?
C'mon guys & gals, you must have some inspiring stories to tell!

Alt: Following on from my 'cooking bacon' rant of yesterday, what's the most belmworthy advert/sales pich you've seen?
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 7:50, 98 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

It's inspired me to start planning recipes for the summer, when we start to have BBQs
However, it's inspired me far more to sit in my garden with friends, drinking, and relaxing.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 8:40, Reply)

Nice of you to comment on your friend's photo
It meant I was greeted by a pair of breasts when I logged in. Good morning to you two!
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 8:56, Reply)

Glad to be of assistance!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 8:59, Reply)

What was your cooking bacon rant? I seem to have missed that one.

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:14, Reply)

That wasn't mine, it was CP's

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:15, Reply)

Oh yeah.
How's you this fine morning? Skipping, dancing and stroking lambs and kittens, or surly, hung over and not looking forward to interaction with idiots. I know which I am.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:18, Reply)

Somewhere in the middle, not hungover, but very tired, as it was too hot in my room to sleep last night
Aside from that, not too bad. Yourself?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:22, Reply)

Bit tired and hungover.
Just had to "install" a new printer for someone. FFS, you plug it in, and stick the disc in. It's not that complicated. Idiots.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:29, Reply)

You'd be amazed, we've got a printer here that used to be an absolute pain in the arse. Still is, but we know how to fix it now
Can't wait to be rid of it though, such a fucking waste of money!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:32, Reply)

'Cooking bacon rant' redux
I've just come back from the shop where I saw a pack of - I kid you not - 'Cooking Bacon'.
As opposed to what? Is there such a thing as 'decorating bacon'? Does somewhere else sell 'Computing bacon'? FFS it's bacon offcuts so call it bacon offcuts!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:21, Reply)

Alt.
Touretti-Spaghetti "Pasta letters in fucking tomato sauce".
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 8:45, Reply)

careful, if you spill that it could spell disaster

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:57, Reply)

The sales pitch will probably be this morning.
On my way to buy a car. I hate car salesman. Trying to be your 'mate' and giving you a load of bullshit.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 8:48, Reply)

It's kinda hard to be a car salesman these days
There's so much pricing information and deals available via t'interweb that they are having to - shock horror - tell the truth, give good advice and not overcharge!
But, I'm with you on this, I can't stand over-matey sales staff in whatever situation. Plus I won't stand for being addressed as 'mate' by people selling me stuff unless I already know them and I am actually their mate.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:53, Reply)

I am waiting whilst he "talks to his manager" about the price.
Realistically this means he is having cigarette round the back of the dealership to make me wait. Dickhead. He keeps abreviating my name. I hate it.

Good car though. Just trying to agree a price.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:57, Reply)

It has inspired me to sit outside the pub when I am drinking.
Alt: Adverts are for shitcunts.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 8:54, Reply)

Al fresco drinking is one of the greatest pleasures in life.

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:12, Reply)

I'm thinking of starting a new business.
Where I live, it's mainly flats-apartments to the Americans-, and full of rich younger things, that work all the hours God sends, to pay for their ridiculous mortgages. So, a contract gardening business, doing up their balconies, and making them look nice.
To keep green credentials, I'll deliver by bike trailer. Or I might just not bother, being a bit of a lazy sod.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:07, Reply)

If these people cared that much about a garden they'd buy somewhere with one.
I think they only use their balconies for al fresco drinking.


( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:17, Reply)

Yeah possibly.
But it's got a posh post code, and is also close to the city centre, where most of them work. It wouldn't be anything drastic, a trellis and some plants. Possible customer base of a few thousand, too.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:20, Reply)

I'm not really Duncan Bannatyne
I just used his picture.
I don't even have that much spare cash.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:24, Reply)

Don't be put off by Mr Grumpy.
Rich twats will pay for anything, and they never want to be left out of a new fad. If you can get just one or two of these cretins to hire you, you could end up planting lettuse for the entire block.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:35, Reply)

+and proud

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:32, Reply)

it's my Nanna's birthday!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NANNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:07, Reply)

As no-one else has said it
bode nus
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:14, Reply)

It's because no one else's is full of sailor's spunk

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:15, Reply)

You should try it
Quite breathtaking. Extra salt, you see
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:21, Reply)

*cough* cricket *cough*

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:30, Reply)

Unless you refer to the loveable Disney character Jiminy, I'm afraid I have no idea to what you refer old boy

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:34, Reply)

I don't know why I'm laughing, I bet you that England would win.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:36, Reply)

Not looking likely right now
How hard is it to finish off a tail?

EDIT: reverse mockers! Oh, but we need 340 to win. Never mind, there's another test next week.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:39, Reply)

Every now and then I hear a song that I wish I could perfectly recreate in a karioki, just one song, it would be OK if I couldn't sing any other song well, just one song.
And then I imagine myself winning £100 in credit from local pubs as I go around karioki competitions and karioki-offs and announcing that it's open bar for that £100 credit for everyone, and after all that, I walk out without saying 'bye' and nobody knowing who I am. Just a stranger who can sing one song really well who has given everyone a free drink.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:15, Reply)

Karaoke should be banned from pubs.
As should real ale buffs, with their fucking CAMRA guide and notebooks full of comments on the half pint of piss they've just bought. And Christmas songs on the jukebox from October onwards.
I've decided to be a grumpy bastard all day.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:35, Reply)

I cycled all the way to work without my keys which meant I couldn't get in to my locker
so I had to wonder around in my cycling shorts until I found a maintenance guy and convince him to drill the lock off. Now I have to pay for a new lock and was late to my office.

I hope this inspires you to point and laugh and that somehow my misfortune brightens your day in a small way.
( Peej, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:31, Reply)

sorry to hear about that bad start toy uor day
x
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:32, Reply)

Were this anyone else, I'd point and laugh quite a lot
But it seems you're having a rather tough time atm, so instead, I'll simply pat your head in a patronising way.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:33, Reply)

is all that stuff about his marriage real? I thought he was making it up for attention?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:33, Reply)

You can point an laugh, I may be having a rough time of it in various aspects of my life
but I'm still a multi millionaire with a supermodel girlfriend and the Honda Accord just passed its MOT and it only needed a new exhaust, brakes, discs, tyres, some welding, bulbs, shocks and windscreen.
( Peej, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:39, Reply)

Oh, ok then
*points*
*laughs*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:55, Reply)

glass houses

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:58, Reply)

He got circumcised, Philli is getting castrated

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:59, Reply)

I dunno why I'm bothering though

( Peej, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:07, Reply)

more trouser room for snacks

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:07, Reply)

Because you think it might make her agree to have sex with you again?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:18, Reply)

I doubt it, her problems there are with herself.

( Peej, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:46, Reply)

she just needs to find the right man

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:15, Reply)

he's being castrated by a glass house?
this is terrible news, somebody call the HSE!
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:07, Reply)

is it just me or is everyone being taken back to the QOTW page when they post?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:34, Reply)

Its just you

( Peej, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:40, Reply)

testing

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:50, Reply)

seems ok now

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:50, Reply)

Loosely related to the alt, I like owning nice, hardback editions of books.
One problem with this is that you'll pick up a book that's the third in a trilogy. You'll enjoy it so you want to get the rest, obviously all of the same edition. You'll find and buy the second book happily enough and then you find out that the first book is out of print, out of stock, and is being sold online *secondhand* for up to £122 a copy...
( Kroney, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:38, Reply)

There is a simple solution to this...

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:42, Reply)

.... he can't answer you if he deletes his account and kills himself, you know

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:46, Reply)

I wasn't expecting an answer
Only a 4EVAINRHATS thread in his honour
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:56, Reply)

We should set up a Facebook R.I.P. page for Rory to troll in his honour.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:59, Reply)

I don't see why a tree, which is considered a living thing, had to die, just so Kroney over there can be entertained.
He should read everything on his iPad.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:01, Reply)

The more living things that are sacrificed in my greater glory, the better.

( Kroney, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:03, Reply)

Particularly spackers.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:10, Reply)

There really is no need to be so negitive about yourself.
I'm sure you have plenty of possitive qualities that don't require your sacrifice to Kroney.

KAPLOWIE ! I got the looks, I got the whit, I'm the full package.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:42, Reply)

watch the movie

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 9:58, Reply)

They're history books.

( Kroney, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:03, Reply)

So? Movies are famous for being historiclaly accurate.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:06, Reply)

More accurate than your typing

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:16, Reply)

That was a subtle joke about how terribly bad Hollywood movies are on getting the details correct.
I'm glad you spotted it.



_{phew, I think I got away with it}
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:23, Reply)

I accidentally just went to the main QOTW page instead of here.
I nearly fell asleep three words in to the first story. Has there been anything in there worth reading this week? I've been keeping well away.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:22, Reply)

There's not even anything worth taking the piss out of.
I always hate when people complain about things not being as good as they used to be, but this week's effort is poor. Could do better.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:23, Reply)

You're not as good as you used to be.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:25, Reply)

I was pretty poor to start off with.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:26, Reply)

hungover and very tired
May have over celebrated last night.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:22, Reply)

my office is really sunny, so i have to keep the blinds down
much to the disgust/depression of my roommate, but i just can't see with the sunlight right on my screen. makes me laugh, my office is set around a big square with a water feature etc. from oct-mar it's deserted. one ray of sunshine, and it's crammed full of people with their sleeves and trousers rolled right up.

it's great in the summer though, they set up a massive tv screen and deckchairs for wimbledon/the cricket etc.

erm.... the yorkie "it's not for girls" always makes me laugh. chocolate IS for girls! they might as well say: "tampax - NOT for girls".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:36, Reply)

yeah but its chunky man chocolate
they should really say 'Yorkie, its not for chunky birds'
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:38, Reply)

you should work in advertising
you'd make a fortune with vision like that
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:51, Reply)

actually i'm a little bit short sightyed, not enough to need glasses, but nearly

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:15, Reply)

you know what causes that

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:23, Reply)

macular degeneration due to a genetic predisposition?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:26, Reply)

don't call quentin a wanker

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:27, Reply)

i don't think he did, have his big words confused you?
you stupid?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:28, Reply)

a genetic predisposition... for wanking

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:29, Reply)

oh you shit

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:30, Reply)

this is what i get for sticking up for you?
fine. quentin is a wanker, quentin is a wanker, la la la la...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:33, Reply)

these are allegations i cannot deny, if any man did he should be cast out and stoned

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:34, Reply)

We have quite enough stoned outcasts here, thank you very much.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:36, Reply)

ha

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:45, Reply)

my eyes my eyes
ffs undo that image
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:45, Reply)

just imagine me even more hunched over as i do it, my neck goes into negative space as i tug my mug

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:47, Reply)

god that's rank
have been sick 3 times
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 12:04, Reply)

I though Yorkies were for lorry drivers?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:38, Reply)

your thinking of dead prostitutes
again
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:41, Reply)

I'm always doing that

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:44, Reply)

*turns out the lights*

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:04, Reply)

i think you have killed it

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:04, Reply)

who said that?

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:05, Reply)

who said this?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:12, Reply)

Who sang this?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:16, Reply)

*stops the clocks*

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:28, Reply)

*bones dog*
...hang on
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:34, Reply)

there's a new one

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 11:45, Reply)