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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Right everyoneLets set the world to rights.
What three things need to be done to sort out the whole of humanity?
I'm talking big, think big over a 100 year timeline.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 15:44, 136 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
1. Greater investment in cool stuff we were promised by movies eg Hoverboards, weaponised hallucinogenics, Star Destroyers2. Stricter attractiveness rulings on people allowed on TV, no-one wants to look at Natalie Cassidy
3. The complete nuclear obliteration of Derby
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 15:52, Reply)
How long ago?Just wondering if the appropriate decontamination period has been observed, otherwise I'll have to get Border Control to stop you entering Norwich
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 15:57, Reply)
It was a few months ago, it's ok the train didn't stop and I covered myself in hand sanitiser before and after.(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 15:58, Reply)
I'm delurking specially to endorse this thread......everything is in order here.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 15:58, Reply)
Thank you Mr MYour approval is gratefull received. How's the shoulder? Is it the shoulder? Apologies, so many broken b3tans lately
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:00, Reply)
You're welcome. There's a thread full of like.Maybe nuking Natalie Cassidy with a hovering Star Destroyer while she visits Derby would be equally as good.
The shoulder is hurty...I can't straighten my right arm or lift it above neck height. Good job the nazis didn't win the war really otherwise I'd be up for contempt.
I know Comrade has broken himself too...
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:06, Reply)
HahahaVery good. Yes the Comrade fell off his bike without the courtesy to film it, and the Mighty Badger broke his arm - he claims playing hockey, I personally reckon it was whilst crocheting. How did you manage yours?
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:09, Reply)
Hockey is a rough sport.I knackered the ligaments in my shoulder by crashing my mountain bike into a tree stump last year, so the op fixed it with surgical nylon and titanium bolts. I'm the $59.36 man.
How's the dancing coming along?
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:14, Reply)
Very well thank youLearning Charleston at the minute, fuck me it's tricky
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:18, Reply)
A friend of mine keeps trying to convince me to learn the 'Argentine tango'I have no idea what the fuck she is talking about. Or, am I missing the point completely, and she simply wants me to ruin her?
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:36,
Reply)
It's not the orange flavoured variety then?Does it contain corned beef?
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:37, Reply)
...what?I understand the orange bit, but the corned beef?
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:38,
Reply)
*whispers* Argentina's most well known export after Evita and anti-colonial propaganda?I was being a tad tenuous there and I apologise.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:41, Reply)
It is?Well, you learn something new every day, haha
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:42,
Reply)
I like to think of my puns as constituting a public information service(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:45, Reply)
I'd reform the arms tradeto something similar to OPEC, anything worse than a hunting rifle or pistol should only be sold to states and they'd need to apply for a licence.
High speed internet access should be free and paid for by taxes.
Get every country to cooperate in migration, to make it easier for people to move countries and easier to spot criminals etc.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 15:52, Reply)
I really think it's just us you knowLet's slag everyone off in a surprising act of unity and then gaz everyone links to it
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:05, Reply)
Am I allowed Quentin?Or do you want something that requires thinking about?
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:10, Reply)
well no see i was round the gf/not gf's last night so its still undecided(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:13, Reply)
If she has tits and a fanny, she's a girl.If she does/doesnt have tits but has a willy, he's a boy.
It really is that easy.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:21,
Reply)
my nice new bedroom mirror that i stuck tot eh wall with no more nails even though it said not for use on mirrors?(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:23, Reply)
Ah well, this shows you to be the twit that you are.You see, a mirror has a coating on the rear surface, which if you put glue on will eventually peel off. Unless you put the glue on the glass side this would explain why your room looks dark. Perhaps you have a mirror with the silvering on the front, such as used in telescopes. Then you could glue the back.
Hope this helps.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:27,
Reply)
the mirror has fixings, the glue was just as added security, its safe as fuck(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:30, Reply)
I think he's a bit thick,but he can hold his own in most arguments and he's pretty witty. Some people just fail to grasp any points.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:11, Reply)
Plumdozer thenI'm sure he's not thick, but he seems to read what he wants to read
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:12, Reply)
this place is shit without monty, nobody rises to bait quite like he does :'((, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:15, Reply)
1. A great big melting pot2. The world and all it's got
3. A hundred years or more (and a great big fuck-off whisk)
4. ???
5. Profit
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Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 15:59,
Reply)
Its one of his favourite things.So he doesn't feel so bad.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:04,
Reply)
Oh sorry Monty, didn't recognise you without the beard and turbanThat'll confuse the heathens...
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:06, Reply)
and it's a south park reference, too(
Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:21,
Reply)
1) Change the UN from a peacekeeping force to an army. Have every country sign up for it, any that don't get carpet bombed to shit.2) Elect a benevolent dictator to control oil prices, humanitarian aid, etc, whilst also dissolving all governments. They have the final say on anything, but can be removed at any time if a vote is cast against them. (Alright, I've not thought that bit through fully, it's just to stop them abusing their power).
3) Any attractive women that pass the 'pencil test' must be topless at times.
Anyway, am rather glad it's been shit on here today, I've got an absolute fuckload of work done!
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:06,
Reply)
Finding someone to fill the post suggested in your second point might be trickyOnly one name springs to mind, and Brian Clough is dead
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:07, Reply)
I think any woman no matter what test is applied spends some of their life topless.Like when showering.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:07, Reply)
Ah, fuck off, you sister raping shitcunt.(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:39,
Reply)
thats a bit out of order, i was only pointing out that you're a bit of a pervy teenage boy(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:49, Reply)
I'm up for the job of benevolent dictatorMy only controversial policy in adition to the above is to throw the production team behind X-Factor into a room full of starved, angry badgers after a lengthy pay per view televised show trial. Anyone who was still tuning in after the third day of the trial would be denied a TV license and would have their teleboxes confiscated.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:10, Reply)
I swear I'm not making this up, I'm sure I read it somewhere, but I might have made it up myself and convinced myself it was real.That they were going to do a Big Brother where they get some jihadists and film them setting up a suicide-attack. And then knock them out during the final moments, and when they wake up, they'll be an a telivised version of heaven where the virgins are all blokes'n'stuff like that.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:11,
Reply)
really?1: parenting licences. you all take the pill, you want kids, you have to pass a means testing, phsychological aptitude, and parenting knowledge exam. nothing too fancy, but just to ensure that real useless scumbags don't breed.
2: drop coal and oil, turn otherwise undeveloped areas like deserts and wide open spaces of sweet fuck all/starving thirsty people into biofuel plantations/ production areas. we need to accept that as a race, we have exceeded the kind of population levels where we can expect to preserve the lesser-nosed sand rat of nkwobinele from extinction AND survive ourselves, that's assuming we're WORTH saving. irrigate the desert, and grow some plants in this goddamn greenhouse we have made.
3: stop using the sea for anythign other than swimming. end of. stop fishin it, stop shitting in it, stop hoovering oil out the bottom of it. it's the only potentially unruined resource we have left, and we need to stop screwing it up. 'but where will all the poo go?' see number two (pun intended) fertiliser for biofuel plantations. hell, direct biofuel.
alternative answer: make everyone pair up in twos of their choosing, then spend s a year living like that. then pull straws and make one kill the other. the survivors will hopefully have a better grasp on the value of human life and the sudden drop in population will give earth a chance to breathe.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:09, Reply)
A simple anaerobic digester will make a load of methane from human shit.We just need to make them bigger.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:11, Reply)
truehowever, we don't turn co2 into oxygen, plants do, ergo they're better as biofuel as the have a negative carbon footprint so when we burn the fuel, it's releasing previously stored stuff not simply adding more co2.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:13, Reply)
Well it depends on where you need it, costs of extraction etc.You can cover the sahara with whatever plants you want but the upkeep of a farm made of sand over 3.5 million square miles would be pretty immense.
Where a sealed bucket of shit with a gas valve is pretty easy to get going.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:19, Reply)
"a sealed bucket of shit with a gas valve"Usually referred to as "Speaker of the House of Commons"
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:29, Reply)
Possible retard question:Why don't 'they' cover areas like the Sahara in solar panels?
It's fucking hot and sunny, no cunt lives there and it's useless for agriculture. I must be missing something obvious here.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:50,
Reply)
maintenancei did read that if 1% of the world's deserts were solar panelled we'd have more than enough energy for the whole world
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:53, Reply)
Why not employ the starving Africans to do the maintenance, then?All they seem to do is sit around swatting flies off their kids. It would give them something to do instead of waiting around for Oxfam to bring them some second-hand underpants.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:00,
Reply)
can you imagine the heat they would have to withstand? the kit would be failing all the timeand the temperature would be unbearable for most people, costs would be gigantic
plus i think we're underestimating the size of 1% of the world's deserts, thats probably shitloads of thousands of square miles
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:06, Reply)
They're used to it. I've seen them on Blue Peter.They fucking love that shit.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:35,
Reply)
Fuck the SaharaI'd be happy if we simply covered Chelmsford in solar panels and rendered it uninhabitable.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:15, Reply)
The first one I certainly agree with(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:22,
Reply)
i'd be first to vote for people who post 'hur i like looking at womens boobs' on the internet being sterilised(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:25, Reply)
So, what you're saying is, you don't like breasts?Bumder.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:40,
Reply)
i like breasts an appropriate amountmaybe i've got complacent cos i've seen a few of them, and they're old news to me now
that thing you said up there made me think of me when i was about 13 going OMG BOOBS, I WISH I COLD SEE SOME BOOBZ
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:45, Reply)
Meh, my first two answers were serious, I couldn't think of a third oneSo, that one was decided upon instead.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:49,
Reply)
maybe you should ask some girls out and that, then you might not be so pervy(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:49, Reply)
maybe you should chill out, i'm sorry for pointing out that you were being a creepy pervert(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:58, Reply)
Scumbags don't necessarily produce more scumbags......likewise there are a lot of scumbags born from supposedly "decent" families. I know a few folk from so called "scummy" families who've turned out just fine.
Far better to impose a one child per family limit for a few generations, as there are seven billion people now using a lot of oil, food, fresh water and bog roll. Anyone who does produce more than one child has to either give them up for adoption or pay the state a sizeable fine. Harsh, but if we continue to reproduce unabated then we'll eventually have to start killing one another for what's left.
Oh and shoot Alan Carr.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:25, Reply)
How about you can have as many kids as you want, but you don't eat before your kids do.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:56,
Reply)
Or use the last remaining sheet of bog roll in the household without buying a replacement pack first(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:03, Reply)
I wonder if anyone has seriously used a beday for what its use is for.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:05,
Reply)
That brings a whole class war issue into perspective......when George Osborne raises taxes on bum wipe do you think he's going to say "let them use bidets" instead?
He'll be guillotined for sure.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:08, Reply)
Now I have 'On a Ragga Tip' on the brain.Ay, beday, a walla-lye day etc.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:32,
Reply)
Halve the world's population (I get to choose).Everything else would be fine within a generation I would imagine.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:18,
Reply)
Large scale war generally precludes a boost for humanity.I'm thinking science and engineering but I bet there are other benefits.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:20, Reply)
A booming trade in jackboots being one*invests savings in sharp things*
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:26, Reply)
Hey Monty old chap!I heard a very disturbing rumour about you on the internet the other day, please tell me it isn't so?
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:51, Reply)
It's true I'm afraid.It's fucking massive.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:55,
Reply)
*chortles*Not quite that rumour old chap...more one that you indulged in a very depraved activity in public the other weekend.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:58, Reply)
I may have,but then again I may not.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:02,
Reply)
So you deny that you put at least one pair of trainers from your collection to it's intended use around the park the other Sunday?(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:05, Reply)
I've been three times in ten days.I hate it but it's good for me.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:06,
Reply)
It truly is.But there's no way on earth I would attend a gymansium what with all their associated narcissism and bennyishness. Eff that shizzle, yo.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:31,
Reply)
Horizontally or virticaly?/ac
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:45,
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I haven't worked out the finer points of my plan.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:47,
Reply)
It would be a shame to chose between tits and fanny.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:50,
Reply)
True indeed - but half a fanny's no use to anyone.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:55,
Reply)
I donno 'bout that, I rarely touch more than one side at a time.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:57,
Reply)
oh wait i just realised you were making a 'my willy is small' joke rather than a 'my willy is big one'(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:02, Reply)
Could twist it around to a KFC Bargin Bucket of a fanny.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:03,
Reply)
As anyone who's old enough to remember Les Dennis and Dustin Gee will testify(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:05, Reply)
In other news, the Welsh gappy toothed lass from "Torchwood" is standing outside my office signing autographsStop Press! She's Welsh, smiley and gappy toothed in real life too.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:33, Reply)
Then tell them to stop talking about titsand to start holding my paperwork together.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:44, Reply)
I rather fancy her.Get an autograph and post it to me?
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:38,
Reply)
If I could I would......she's disappeared back into the theatre opposite and I'm stuck in here
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:40, Reply)
Surprising how "ordinary" she looksAnd I don't mean it in a bad way. I bumped into Ikea Knightley a couple of years back when she was filming outside, it's like she's made entirely of teeth and elbows.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:43, Reply)
She isn't exactly gorgeous, I agreeBut I am rather a fan of Gwen, the character.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:47,
Reply)
She's great from certain angles......I'm not trying to give a back-handed compliment. I'm not really into 'slebs or the media's obsession with very skinny women.
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:50, Reply)
Meh, I don't think anyone in their right mind is attracted to 'very' skinny girlsAnd as for you, anyway, you have the perfect woman nonetheless, you shouldn't even be looking, haha
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:57,
Reply)
*grins*I shall pass that on to her cluckingness, she will be pleased!
(, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:00, Reply)
And old PJM had a form, E-OY E-OY OH. And on the form he signed his name, E-OY E-OY OH.Please tell me there is a form that has the initials 'oh'.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:59,
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The Borg will kick your arse for sure.(
Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:55,
Reply)
Here's a simple one: "Everyone one who heads or manages a service must use that service and not use an alternate". At least, they must use it extensivly.... to the point reliance on that service.- Stavros must use EasyJet instead of a private flight. He may go first class, he may get preferential treatment, but he must use it.
- The people who head Benfit systems must know what its like to live on that benfit.
- The people who head the NHS can not use private healthcare.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:50,
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1 - easyjet doesn't have first class
2 - This wouldn't work
2 - i agree
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lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:53,
Reply)
Well, no, this is why this thread isn't being read by god or whatever.The whole thing is about over reactionary wishes to fix the world, when nobody can be considered an expert in the subjects we're talking about.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:56,
Reply)
Can I add:Architects who design piss poor housing should have to live in them too.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 16:57,
Reply)
He does use an Easyjet plane. I've flown back from Nice before and he's been on the flight - he lives in Monaco and does the journey several times a week. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:06,
Reply)
How much did he pay for the tiny packet of peanuts? Did he get a staff discount?(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:13,
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I think if everyone could sing in perfect harmonywe'd have it sorted
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Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:22,
Reply)
*waits for Cavy to buy us all a coke*(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:25,
Reply)
MOnty's the one with the coke(
Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:27,
Reply)
Blimey it's warm.I have nothing to add to this thread, and having now read it, neither do most of you.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:24,
Reply)
Kill them all.People are cunts, anyway. Nobody will miss them.
6 billion people over a hundred years.
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Kroney, Wed 28 Mar 2012, 17:37,
Reply)
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