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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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SERIOUS ADVICE THREAD
Tracey's due in today right, and Tracey's bloody lovely.

Trouble is, Malc's alot better looking than I am, and more charming, and talented, and better in almost every way. I've tried undermining him by pointing out that he has a criminal record, earns less than i do, has a kid that he rarely sees and a girlfriend, but he still seems to be ahead in the Tracey stakes.

What would you do to woo a woman? How would you cover up your infidelity if you weren't sure you still had a girlfriend? How would you beat the competition?
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:13, Reply)
I would spend the whole time going: "ooh ooh look at me, don't look at Malc, loook at meeeeeee"
which I think you've got covered
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:15, Reply)
nah i've been playing it cool, which was working for a while
but he's getting ahead again as i played it too cool
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:19, Reply)
Generally girls are brainwrongs that get more interested the more you ignore them.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:20, Reply)
I think you could have stopped that sentence after brainwrongs.
Morning.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:21, Reply)
not in this case, malc was all flexing his muscles yesterday and being all dashing
and tracey was like ooooooh and they were fawning over each other and i went :(
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:21, Reply)
She sounds like a "catch"

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:27, Reply)

"catch" peasant
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:29, Reply)
I advise a full face tattoo

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:30, Reply)
"cut here" and "SKINS", plus a spider web, ideally.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:32, Reply)
or...
Traecy cy ace ...y
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:34, Reply)
she's lovely, like felicity kendall's younger sister

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:31, Reply)
This changes EVERYTHING

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:35, Reply)
NOBODY BELIEVED ME WHEN I SAID SHE WAS LOVELY

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:37, Reply)
I believe in you

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:38, Reply)
I believe in life after love

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:39, Reply)
Personally, I believe that children are the future.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:40, Reply)
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:41, Reply)
I believe I can fly.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:41, Reply)
I believe in miracles, baby.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:42, Reply)
Ibuleve in fast, effective relief

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:42, Reply)
Hahaha

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:43, Reply)
I'm clicking this.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:43, Reply)
As am I.
Subthread OVARR.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:47, Reply)
Wooing women is for queers.
I would never cheat on a girlfriend - if I wasn't happy with mine I'd simply split up with them. My natural good looks and charm ensure that I always 'beat the competittion' - although I don't like that phrase/attitude one bit - it's not a 'competition' that one needs to 'beat' others at - that's tawdry and cheapens the chivalrous purity of courtly love.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:17, Reply)
Beat others or beat yourself

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:18, Reply)
this is very witty, in the carry on style

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:32, Reply)
your dating a barmaid with daddy issues
argument discredited
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:20, Reply)
You have a failed marriage.
The end.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:21, Reply)
you have a failed parentdom
Tio be continued...
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:25, Reply)
Hahahaha

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:27, Reply)
What's wrong with being a barmaid?

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:01, Reply)
You know how people always say ' just be yourself'?
Yeah, don't do that.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:19, Reply)
lol
thats a line from an american sitcom or something
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:19, Reply)
Is it?

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:22, Reply)
talk to the hand

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:23, Reply)
I thought I was talking to the arse.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:24, Reply)
ZING!

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:25, Reply)
Ba-zingo!

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:25, Reply)
textbook
*golf applause*
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:30, Reply)
oh quince, i too am in the same spot.
You need to lower her self esteem til she just doesn't care anymore.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:20, Reply)
hmm, its a pickle
i don't need to lower her self esteem, tracey seems ok, not over the top confidence wise, but she's going wibblty at the knees cos of malc
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:22, Reply)
You need to start adding rohypnol to more of your recipes.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:23, Reply)
what's this?
Oh, just a lovely walnut and date rape cake
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:25, Reply)
Hahahah

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:25, Reply)
wank into a cocked hat
as the answer to all three.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:25, Reply)
i hardly think that's very helpful at all

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:26, Reply)
Sorry Quints
I didn't really have anything useful to add.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:30, Reply)
Chicks love a confident hat-wanker, Quint.
They LOVE it.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:30, Reply)
Helps it to stay on their little heads

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:30, Reply)
Indeed.
Plus it shows you're not afraid to show your sensitive side - this can be achieved by crying as you do the wanking.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:31, Reply)
*sobs*
"Our Father...."
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:32, Reply)
Man the fuck up and talk to your existing "girlfriend"
Bin her off and ask t'other one out. If she says yes, job done. If she says no, it's back to wanking
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:27, Reply)
shut up you don't know what your talking about
I love my girlfriend-non-girlfriend and wouldn't cheat on her
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:30, Reply)
Except you are asking for advice as to how to cheat on her....

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:33, Reply)
He is as moral as he is bright.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:33, Reply)
cos i'm not sure we're still on anymore, cos she kind of wants to be on her own for a bit as she has alot on
although we have been better lately, more casual so happier

i'm not seriously asking for serious advice on how to cheat on anyone, you stupid cunt
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:35, Reply)

lot pink cowboy hat
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:35, Reply)
lols

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:46, Reply)
Who do you eat lunch with now?

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:36, Reply)
i've been staying in the office or going home
going to meet the gf-non-gf for lunch today though
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:37, Reply)
I'm guessing Nando's or perhaps McDonalds?

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:38, Reply)
I'm hoping KFC

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:38, Reply)
SHE'S A VEGETARIAN YOU PRICK

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:43, Reply)
She certainly loves my meat

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:44, Reply)
i taught her everything she knows

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:45, Reply)
You must suck a mean cock then

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:45, Reply)
It's a click from me.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:49, Reply)
I did rather hope for a KFC response TBH

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:52, Reply)
did you edit this? what did it say before?

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:58, Reply)
I didn't edit anything

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:58, Reply)
did

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:00, Reply)
What did it say previously then?

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:00, Reply)
i dunno
i went away and when i came back something funny was there when it weasn't before
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:01, Reply)
They are called posts
The main idea of them is to be funny
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:02, Reply)
that is a complete contradiction of what i have seen in the last 5 months

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:02, Reply)

se writt
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:03, Reply)
i dislike you immeasurably now

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:04, Reply)
Haha

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:06, Reply)
You taught her to love Sportscow's meat?
ERRRRRR!!!! BENNY ON THE LOOSE!!!
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:46, Reply)
at her office, dur
i made ciabattas and that
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:39, Reply)
*reels in line*

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:37, Reply)
STOP CHEATING ON MY GIRLFRIEND

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:39, Reply)
Felicity loves it

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:40, Reply)
felicity is about 90
tracey is 48 and still doable
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:40, Reply)
But Felicity loves it

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:41, Reply)
She does
Oh, Felicity, Felicity
You fill me with electricity
But that does not mean you are shocking
Oh, no, you are nice
Like Sugar and Spice
Like a proper girly ought to be
(Even though I am sure you have radical views
On the subject of equal opportunities)
Your Second name is Kendall
Which if you jumble up all the letters
And take some away
And Add some others
Makes "I love you"
I adored you as the star of TV's "The Good Life"
And I'm not being sexist but I think you'd make a 'good wife'
How about it, Filly?
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:14, Reply)
WHO SUNG THIS?

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:15, Reply)
The Peoples Poet

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:15, Reply)
Phill-icity, apparently

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:15, Reply)
take two teaspoons of cement and harden the fuck up
is the correct answer to everything.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:31, Reply)
I just chat to them
If they're interested, I go for it. If not, I don't.

I spent 45 minutes telling this girl about how amazing my mate was, she went over to chat, the social retard in him then emerged, and he barely said a word to her. I could have fucking killed him.

I've spoken about infidelity before, it seems to get the frothing masses going on about how much of a wanker I am, etc. Those times are done, so the less said, the better.

And if it's a competition, I don't bother competing, as I can't be arsed know I'll lose.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:50, Reply)
aw, AA
I really felt you put your heart and soul into this xxxx
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:51, Reply)
Thank you Quint, I try my best.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:52, Reply)
With a bat

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:55, Reply)
at last, somebody with some sense

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:57, Reply)
On here?
*looks around*
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 10:58, Reply)
HIS WIFE LEFT HIM FOR AN OVEN GLOVE, HAVE A BLOODY HEART

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:00, Reply)
THIS^ is a funny post Q

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:02, Reply)
Indeed
And I don't mind because things are currently pretty good with said wife, though the oven glove has left me.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:03, Reply)
Glad to hear it, fella

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:08, Reply)
...on the other hand

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:09, Reply)
Jeremy Beadles cock looked bigger?

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:11, Reply)
I can't say I ever saw it

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:12, Reply)
His cock or his hand?

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:12, Reply)
I bumped in to a guy I hadn't seen since school at a rugby match the other day
We got chatting and I told him I now had two kids and he told me he also had two kids. He said his were 1 year and 10 months old. Whilst I tried to work this out I noticed he looked crestfallen. Yes he had got his wife and his girlfriend pregnant at the same time, he now has neither. Suddenly my life seemed fucking great!
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:07, Reply)
Hahahahaha

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:08, Reply)
sounds like a LAD to me

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:08, Reply)
TRUE LAD!

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:09, Reply)
HE'S AN EA-SY GLO-VERRR
Alright Phil?
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:09, Reply)
Not bad
Everyone in my department is either on holiday, off sick or fucking incompetent which means I am having to do all the work so I thought fuck the lot of them I'm going on b3ta
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:10, Reply)
That's showing them.
Our place is fucking deserted today. I may go and do some light drinking.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:17, Reply)
See my reply below.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:18, Reply)
I am going to see a punk band on Saturday night, I'll have you know.
We out later?
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:20, Reply)
I reckon.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:21, Reply)
Food?

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:22, Reply)
I will email you
edit: done
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:31, Reply)
Ladies and gentlemen
it give me great pleasure to announce that, contrary to previous reports, it appears that PUNK ROCK is in fact still alive after all.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:18, Reply)
One of the girls I know is planning a 'punk rock' night out for her birthday, despite her being about as punk as Tracey's left testicle.
Should be fun(!)
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:20, Reply)
I'm wearing my Anarchy T'Shirt and have put safety pins in my ears

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:20, Reply)
then how do you hear?

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:23, Reply)
I'm too punk to need to hear

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:24, Reply)
SERIOUS ADVICE:
D.Y.A.A.K.Y.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:20, Reply)
i wish the good Monty Boyce were still here

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:23, Reply)
The other one is a cunt too.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:25, Reply)
but i liked him, he was a shining beacon to us all

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:26, Reply)
It's the self satisfied smugness I can't stand.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:29, Reply)
me either, that's why i want good monty back

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:31, Reply)
I think you should kill yourself
then she would know you cared enough to pay to ultimate price.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:25, Reply)
This is the ultimate Price

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:31, Reply)
I he's so great why did he die before he put Edwards hands on
and why did he think it a good idea to give him scissors instead?
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:32, Reply)
have you ever tried wrapping a present, cutting the tape and sticking it at the same time?

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:34, Reply)
No
My wife does the women's jobs in my house.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:35, Reply)
Because he was a magnificent cunt.
and you type like you have scissors instead of hands
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:35, Reply)
I suffer from dailysexia you cunt

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:36, Reply)
Tourettes too by the sound of it.
Cunt.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:42, Reply)
PISSOUTMYASS!

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:45, Reply)
On no account let her see your pitiful attempts at flirting with me in the last thread
Or anything else to do with your personality
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:26, Reply)
haha, queenie's upset

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:27, Reply)
Don't be sweetheart
Just accept your failings and learn from them. You go girlfriend.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:32, Reply)
i can't believe i'm being patronised by a man who wears frilly shirts
and does a two-step with a polish dayglo transexual
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:33, Reply)
And he has a hot girlfriend
What's the world coming too!
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:37, Reply)
It's easier to do than your Mum

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:37, Reply)
you crossed a line here bro, my mum's not dead
that's out of order
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:41, Reply)
Tell her to put some clunge around it next time then

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:42, Reply)
She is on the inside after carrying your wretched featus.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:45, Reply)
I just got a copyright infringement notice from Facebook for putting up that video with all the non celebs singing let it be.
Hypocritical cunts. Everything about their fucking site is nicked from elsewhere. I hope Zuckerburg gets cancer.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:29, Reply)
Of the Jap's eye.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:30, Reply)
One of my pals
got shitty threats from Virgin after posting his old band videos on YouTube.

1. Their stuff has been out of print for about 20 years
2. It didn't sell that well even then and
3. My pal wrote the songs and it's him in the video.

Fucking ridiculous.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 12:04, Reply)
Kill yourself for the sympathy vote.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:40, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1583357
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:41, Reply)
Yours wins.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:44, Reply)

sympathy vote benefit of modern society and improvement of the average b3ta IQ
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:43, Reply)
Morning.

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:44, Reply)
Morning sweetheart
I'm sure I was appalled at you for not being able to guess one of my drawings but I can't remember what
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:48, Reply)

Hair dye. Looked like a fat, shit, Keith flint. Had me perplexed.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:49, Reply)
Oh yeah
Thicko
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 11:55, Reply)
there is some bitch doing her nails on the tube and it fucking stinks.
Why do women and emos paint their nails?.... Cus their fingers are fucking ugly.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 12:02, Reply)
Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they smell.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 12:04, Reply)
Why bother asking if you already knew the answer

(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 12:10, Reply)

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