I could have sworn I read a story yesterday about a man who died, but his work didn't notice that he hadn't been in the office for a week.
I can't find a link now, so I may have been imagining it.
How long would have to be dead before your work noticed?

Alt: There's a lot of talk about the kindness of strangers since that poor girl died during the marathon, and her justgiving page has reached a squillion pounds. Are we really a nation of bitter misanthropes, or is there just enough of the milk of human kindness to go around?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:01, 134 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Not very long, I dont think
A month or two.

I'd like to have my kindness milked please
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:03, Reply)

that was your husband, you "weekend at B3thie's" bastard
i'm all about the misanthropy, me
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:03, Reply)

hahahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:04, Reply)

I'm surrounded my misanthropes.
I think if I died, mr b3th would only realise when the supply of clean pants and socks dwindled to nothing.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:07, Reply)

fingers crossed, eh?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:09, Reply)

nah man, he has kids and stuff.
A simple amucal devorce where she gets 80% and he gets the kids would be more than enough for me.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:20, Reply)

It's all a big joke, nobody will end up paying cos she'll never finish that marathon at this rate will she

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:06, Reply)

hahaha.
*click*
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:07, Reply)

I was very tempted to post that on facebook yesterday
but then though better of it.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:07, Reply)

You'd have The Sun Troll Patrol* on to you in a flash.
*I don't think that's actually what it's really called, but it should be.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:08, Reply)

Come on love, the ends in sight, only another mile to go

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:08, Reply)

You get disqualified if you get outside help getting across the line.
So the second they put her on the stretcher she was out anyway.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:10, Reply)

Oh God It's 1908 all over again !!!!!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:11, Reply)

I'm impressed, Rory Lyon, I'm impressed.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:12, Reply)

I bin helpin wif wall collages innit

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:13, Reply)

I made this very gag this morning
and got disgusted tutting as my reward. Some people have no sense of fucking humour.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:20, Reply)

Nice one, Rimmsy.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:24, Reply)

YOU ARE ON IGNORE

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:25, Reply)

Fucking losers
I'm off to make my 500k pledge now
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:25, Reply)

first its the grand national and now this !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:21, Reply)

My bloody boss phoned me when I was half an hour late because I was stuck in a tunnel on The Underground.
So not long, annoyingly.

Alt: People can be lovely, individually, it's just en masse that they are cunts. Also though, they are easily led, it will only have taken a few to get the ball rolling on giving to that dead lass before others just copied. See also: 'Pray for Mumaba', which included moronic tweets such as 'It doesn't matter if you don't believe in God, Pray for Muamba', which strikes me as a fundamental misunderstanding of what a prayer is, but there you go.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:06, Reply)

They'd notice at 8:30am on the first day, as they watch me like a fucking hawk first thing in the morning.
Alt: I don't understand why everyone is continuing to pay into her JustGiving account. I mean, she didn't even finish the race, FFS!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:07, Reply)

Time to update the Radcliffe/Hitler joke I think.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:21, Reply)

If you give money to charity just because someone died you're a twat.

( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:08, Reply)

This is why I fucking hate "the race for life"

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:09, Reply)

i hate it because for some reason its almost exclusively for women, the sexist pricks

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:09, Reply)

Just because their tits are rotting off, why does that mean I can't stumble along a 5km fun run

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:10, Reply)

umble along a 5km fun run +and at the sidelines feverishly masturbating
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:16, Reply)

Hahahhahaah

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:10, Reply)

I hate all the celebs that get cancer, survive and then do shit for cancer research.
Or when someone loses a kid and does loads for stillbirth charities. They never gave a flying fuck about other people until it affected them.
( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:11, Reply)

Yeah.
Stupid people doing stuff for charity.

Although I do admit, I didn't do much for cancer charities until mr b3th got ill...
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:12, Reply)

I got SO much shit for saying that about Christopher Reeve and his stem cell campaign once.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:13, Reply)

His blind optimism was hilarious

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:15, Reply)

You know which actor Christopher Reeves wanted to be?
Christopher Walken
( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:17, Reply)

I prefer it as 'What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?'

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:21, Reply)

Well I prefer it as FUCK YOU that's what!

( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:23, Reply)

I t hink that's Alec Baldwin.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:29, Reply)

*puts coffee down*

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:46, Reply)

just because someone died
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:09, Reply)

If you have your balls sliced just because you're told to, you're a pussy.
Sorry to be the bearer and all that.
How are the boys today?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:09, Reply)

stop picking on him just because he's only half a man now

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:11, Reply)

I didn't get them sliced because I was told to
I did it because the wife was going to get her tubes tied and I found out its far less intrusive for me to get it done.

They boys ache like fuck today!
( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:12, Reply)

*low fives*

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:13, Reply)

I'm fairly sure you would have found her getting her tubes tied less intrusive, you silly boy.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:13, Reply)

I would have cunt punched her for free

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:16, Reply)

Leave my wife alone! She bought me Steak and Beer last night
and is taking me out for an Indian tonight. I'm getting my balls done more often!
( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:18, Reply)

Can you still get it up or will the Indian be dissapointed?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:20, Reply)

I can still get it up
But I am seriously not in the mood. My nuts feel like they have been kicked many times and have purple and black bruising all over
( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:22, Reply)

Do you get waken in the night in extreme pain when you get a bone on?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:25, Reply)

Morning Glory was very uncomfortable

( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:26, Reply)

Go to the toilet before bed, and don't drink many fluids.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:26, Reply)

I'd just had my bollocks sliced open
I drank several beers before bed like a normal person would
( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:27, Reply)

Morning glory is caused by your swollen bladder pressing against your prostate.
You'll have to decide if it's worth the beers.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:29, Reply)

Beer is always worth it
and if you don't agree you are obviously a homosexual
( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:30, Reply)

If beer made my balls hurt, I'd stick to wine.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:31, Reply)

I'm whining, trust me

( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:33, Reply)

Or make She Ra sleep in her own bloody bed

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:27, Reply)

Hahaha

( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:30, Reply)

*points and laughs*

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:28, Reply)

Don't make me say it

( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:30, Reply)

Shouldn't you two be in some sort of mutilated genitals club?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:30, Reply)

HAY !!;;
I fucking love a new b3ta icon.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:22, Reply)

It was that spy who was found padlocked in a bag in his bath
first day I reckon.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:08, Reply)

Of course they would notice immediately
The real question is: How long would it take before they noticed that exactly the same level of work was being done?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:19, Reply)

By 8:15 the next morning.
Alt: fucking charity cunts etc.

When I tried to distribute some of my 'milk of human kindness' to disabled kids, I got 8 years - that cunt Craig Charles got away scott free. One rule for them...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:24, Reply)

You're a charity case
Even I feel sorry for you and I'm reduced to getting my balls mutilated in an attempt to get my wife to fuck me again!
( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:25, Reply)

I just bought her a Babycham.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:27, Reply)

Well, I went halves on it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:27, Reply)

With the Penzance Pirates Rugby Team.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:27, Reply)

The Cornish Pirates are shite.
She's a Camborne girl and would not stay from the home team.
( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:29, Reply)

So why is she playing away?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:30, Reply)

...unless a single Babycham was on offer.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:30, Reply)

And a go on my fully-functioning nutsack.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:31, Reply)

She says she's not in to "matures"

( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:32, Reply)

Course they would, Arnold.
Hahahaha. Soz. That's the last one.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:26, Reply)

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:27, Reply)

You really are getting old

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:34, Reply)

I was talking to one of the regulards down the pub who reckoned his wife had died.
He said the sex was the same but the washing up was piling up.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:30, Reply)

I took my ex to a wife swapping party.
I did quite well, I got a set of socket spanners for her.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:31, Reply)

I took my wife out the other night.
One punch.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:32, Reply)

My wife died
For the first week I coped quite well but after a month or so it was horrible. after 6 weeks I had no choice but to bury her.
( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:32, Reply)

You're here all week.
I certainly will try the veal.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:32, Reply)

My boss would assume I'd booked a holiday for the first couple of days as I'm in a department of 1
So I'll go for three days. Maybe longer if I carked it at work. /unpaidovertimemonkey

Speaking of stag weekends, the one I'm going on at the end of May has changed from Nottingham to Reading. I've only ever looked at Reading on Google maps and it looks 'fucking shit' so I'm going to classify this one as a downgrade. Does anyone have anything positive to say about the town Reading?
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:36, Reply)

Quintin lives there

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:36, Reply)

It's relatively easy to get to London from there?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:40, Reply)

I went to Uni there,
some of it is alright, but not the places you'll go on a stag do.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:40, Reply)

The best man has booked some crappy pre-arranged package deal
It includes entry to a ropey looking 'gentlemens club' underneath some railway arches. I'm looking forward to looking around the Abbey more than the stag-do 'delights'. /oldfart
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:43, Reply)

heh, that used to be a jazz club that did £15 all you can drink
with live jazz on a thursday, that was interesting.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:53, Reply)

live jizz now presumably

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:53, Reply)

Any place that permits entry to stag dos
Is not the sort of place you want to go to.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:44, Reply)

This times a million.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:08, Reply)

There are only seven of us so we probably could've avoided the whole stag-do package
..but I'm not the one organising it so I'm just going with the flow. If the best man turns up with 'comedy' t-shirts for us all I'll, er...make the best of it I guess. He'll get one hell of a disapproving look though.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:22, Reply)

It was the scene of Daphne and Celeste's triumphant UK live debut.
Their unique twist on the Weather Girls' classic chutney anthem 'It's Raining Piss' was a milestone in festival history.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:40, Reply)

I was there.
I've never seen anything quite so awesome in my life. Even the people pelting 50Cent with gold spray painted "bling bling" vegetable didn't come close
( Peej, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:42, Reply)

can you explain to me why people had bottles of piss?
did they save them deliberately? i know toilet services are inadequate at festivals, but surely peeing in a bottle is silly?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:52, Reply)

When 50 cent was coming up
people were going round the tents saying "50 cent's playing, get your bottles of piss ready, he's a homophobe"
(PsychoChomp, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:54, Reply)

Fucking benders.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:55, Reply)

i don't care what your doing, i don't want to hear about it on the internet
HA!
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:56, Reply)

is that one of those words that means the same spelled backwards?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:55, Reply)

Most people carry them
in the hope that they bump into you.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:54, Reply)

i must be really famous

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:56, Reply)

it worries me how many of them you see lining the motorway
who drives whilst pissing into a bottle? surely that has got to be driving without ANY care and attention?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:17, Reply)

i went to a brannigans there years back
some tart in white trousers rejected my advances
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:41, Reply)

You are less likely to get shot there than in Nottingham.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:41, Reply)

it's a depressing shithole
but it's quite near london so you can just overshoot the m4 and keep going until you get to somewhere decent?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:41, Reply)

No, soz.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:44, Reply)

Ah well, thanks for trying 'Ace'

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:45, Reply)

How did you know what my regular drink is?
I've done more than fucking try it, old son.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:46, Reply)

Smoke me a kipper, skipper.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:47, Reply)

You're not from there.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:45, Reply)

and don't have to live there

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:48, Reply)

Monty enjoys the Burger King at their service station.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:47, Reply)

That's a whopper.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:47, Reply)

That's what Stunned's severely handicapped mum said.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:49, Reply)

I also ‘enjoyed’ your severely handicapped mum in the Travelodge there. I really ‘let her tyres down’ I can tell you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:48, Reply)

proper 'let her tyres down' lols
click
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:50, Reply)

Travelodge?
You are forever the class act, Rimmsy.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:53, Reply)

She was paying, the tight bitch.
Well, I should say 'stingy'.

chip/M1 lolz
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:54, Reply)

chip/highstreet lolz
Well, the jokes on you. She's not allowed her own money.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:57, Reply)

She nicked some off you.
I think that's what she said, her typing's awful.

Bloody NHS head dobbers.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:04, Reply)

oh come on
who wouldn't want the last occupier's aged jizz sticking their cheeks to the pillow, yellow curled toenails in the corners of the room, and a beautiful view of the motorway as they get pounded from behind over the pizza-stained sofa? romantic bliss.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:15, Reply)

It's like Wordsworth never died.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:16, Reply)

i wandered lonely as a genital wart
that floats on high over bell and end
'twas from travelodge bedding that i was caught
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:21, Reply)

An Ex lived in Reading.
It's the least memorable town I can think of. The only thing of interest that i can remember happening, seeing or doing in all the time I spent there was getting stung by a bee.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:48, Reply)

I got stung by a bee once.
Fifty quid for a jar of honey.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:49, Reply)

Baddum!
_{I actually quite liked that}
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:49, Reply)

hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:49, Reply)

It's not Luton.
And is unlikely ever to be.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:52, Reply)

oh shit i forgot to stay up late to see Meet The romans or whatever

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 11:58, Reply)

I missed the new one last night, myself.
Bugger.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:03, Reply)

if you're offering

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:06, Reply)

You seem obsessed today

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:14, Reply)

yes
he is definitely outing himself. bless.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:16, Reply)

I've been to Reading, My cousin lives there.
It's not that bad. it's not that great either, but I've been to far worse places, Dover for one. Oh and Blackpool, that was shite. Skelmersdale goes without saying.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 24 Apr 2012, 12:23, Reply)