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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Worst bank holiday experiencesSo this weekend promises to be full of shit weather & traffic jams; same as most bank holidays. What's the worst one you can remember?
Alt: for those of you that have actually lost your virginity: how did it go? Massive disaster? Perhaps you'd spent some much time wanking in the previous few years you found it difficult to play with real 'bits' instead? Or did you go off after 15 seconds? How old were you? Al - no need to answer this as we know you were 33.
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:05,
207 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
I can only think of good ones at the moment: Carnival carnage etc.Alt: it was fine, thanks for asking. I was either 14 or 15, not sure. It was a while ago.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:31,
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As Monty says, I can only think of good ones tooAugust Bank Holiday 2007 was particularly excellent, we spent the day in the pub, and over the course of the day, saw most of our friends, as they all came out to see us. Was great fun.
Alt: It wasn't great, as I had to keep one eye on the door at all times, as my brother had promised that if he heard any noise at all coming from my room, he'd barge straight in, the fucker. And no, it ended up being so uncomfortable that I didn't 'finish'.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:34,
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If you didn't finish, you are still a virgin.(
Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:40,
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Just because I didn't finish that time, doesn't mean I haven't since.Also, I've just been given a tip for the horses this afternoon, if anyone wants one?
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:44,
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So long as you were in the vicinity of a woman when you finished, it counts.(
Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:48,
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Here you gohttps://twitter.com/#!/UkSportsTvGuide/status/197954455377940480
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:51,
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Worst bank holiday: The day after my first taste of LSD.Somehow I had driven home, got myself to bed, and then the lack of brain control kicked in. I seem to remember watching Waterloo in the afternoon. Didn't put me off though.
Alt: It went remarkably well, thank you. I'll save the details for some other time.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:39,
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Best bank holidays:That glorious, all too brief period (before I had kids) when head shops had discovered a loophole in the law which allowed them to legally sell magic mushrooms.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:55,
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I have never understood the appeal of hallucinogens.(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:59,
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Is this because you have taken them and not enjoyed it?Or have you not taken them for this reason?
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:02,
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Don't seem to work on me at all(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:06,
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If you were expecting to see giant pink kittens, as Davvo suggests belowThen no, they wouldn't work.
I am intrigued by this though. Are you saying that you never felt anything, or that the experience didn't live up to your expectations?
There must be different tolerance levels. The friend who I used to regularly take mushrooms with would always get an hour or so into the trip and then be convinced that he had come down and insist on brewing up some more.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:13,
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Took mushrooms - nothing at all happened though two others were all over the placeTook LSD - giggled a bit
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:22,
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This is one of the problems with prohibition lawsNo guarantee of quality of supply.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:25,
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Plus you are obviously NAILS(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:25,
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It just is oddSpeed does nothing until I smoke (which I don't normally)
E made me just happy
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:29,
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You might see the appeal more if you had tried them.Like all drugs, they make you feel great - otherwise people wouldn't take them.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:09,
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I told you, sportoI'm not letting you put your "meat" inside me.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:14,
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Damn veggiesHow about this carrot?
*points*
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:21,
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Why are you talking to a giant, pink kitten?(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 3 May 2012, 9:05,
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Heading into the office, knackered but happy after last night's result!(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 3 May 2012, 9:08,
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Is this football related happiness? I know nothing about football, but know what you northeners are like; if it's not racing pigeons and wippets it's football and Jarrow marches.(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:11,
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Yup.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 3 May 2012, 9:12,
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Just seen the 1st goal on youtubeNot bad either! Going to be a good game v Man City
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:22,
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I cannot understand your lack of understanding of their appeal.Quite the most incredible experiences of my life, if I am honest. Sorry, 'birth of my daughter', but it's true. A heavy dose of DMT is easily the most spectacular thing - way beyond the limits of your imagination. The first time I had a proper go on it, it was like being locked in an Aztec-themed computer game - not one single thing I could see bore any relation to a 'real' object. Fucking mind-blowing.
It's so intense that it is pretty scary, but it's akin to a religious vision and psychologically has done me the world of good. Nothing like stepping outside yourself to gain insight.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:18,
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I think the issue for me is that I am a control freak.I don't like being completely out of my mind - even being very drunk gives me a (slight) amount of control. The particular bit that scares me is not being able to stop it or change things I wasn't enjoying. As an example - what if you didn't like being in an Aztec-themed computer game? How could you take control and stop that?
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:23,
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Mastering your fear is part of the experience.Learning to let go and simply accept what you are experiencing is very good for you.
DMT only lasts a few minutes, anyway - not that time has any meaning when you are in that world.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:26,
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I am sure the phrase 'Learning to let go and simply accept what you are experiencing is very good for you' has served you well when recruiting in the playground you massive nonce.
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:35,
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At the risk of sounding like a dreadful old hippyI always get a strong sense of being "home" and that what I am experiencing is how things actually are, which I have been enabled to perceive properly.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:23,
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I am getting a a strong sense that you are a 'homo'.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:26,
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It doen't matter how often you try to convince meI'm not going to sleep with you.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:29,
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I lived in England for several yearsand was genuinely repelled by the idiotic fervor on display any time there was a bank holiday. The whole town seemed to stop working and the streets and beer gardens were filled with lairy stereotypes.
From screeching harridans in rape-me outfits to lobotomised cunts, jumping on each others back or pretending to bum each other.
Ho fucking ho, what japes.
My favourite day was when, at the insistence of our English friends and against my better judgement, went for a day out at Dovedale. Every available space was being used for parking and you were being charged for this privelige. I was outraged. Being a canny Scot from a civilised country, I was used to free parking, or at least a 200 yards away free option. Anyways, we park, we pay, we join the throng of bank holiday zombies. We must have walked about 50 metres before we saw the first group of cunts sitting at the side and partially on the footpath, having their picnic. Yip, the had drivem all this way, paid for parking and could only manage the briefest of strolls before stuffing their fat fucking faces.
I began to enjoy the show, I was surrounded by brainless gits, all participating in an act they believed the should be doing, but not quite understanding why. I played Cunt Bingo, and was rewarded with several full houses.
The highligh of the 'Safari Park of Twats', was watching several screeching 'look at me' kids running up a reasonably steep embankment, not a grass one, but one covered in angry looking dirt and stones like you see on a railway track. Having gained the attention of the adult apes, the kids fled headlong back down. All but one realised their gravitional folly and slowed. One was to eager to please and would not, then could not stop, the look on her face as she passed the point of no return was chilling. She had picked up a fair old velocity before she eventually took off, the silence before impact was palpable and in all honesty I had to turn away. She bounced up like a stabbed rat and ran, back down the path, not a wail, cry or whimper to be heard. The sign of real pain.
When we had reached the furthest most point, the crowds had thinned out, but was still sufficient in size to pack out the single cafe. As we turned to head back, the heavens opened and the rain came down in a torrent. I watched with glee as the gaggle of arse-candles began to bray and hoot, while dashing back towards the car park. I slowed my pace, already soaked, and breathed in the freshening air and quieting path. Even my English friends started to run, but it was a mile away, what was the rush?
We drove back to town in near silence, me wet, gloating and happy. The English had had their day ruined and I was pretty pleased. A small victory, as normal service was resumed on the next Bank Holiday.
(, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:49, Reply)
I'm sorrybut as a Scot, you've got absolutely no fucking moral high ground on this. Nothing you mention here is even in the same sport, let alone the same league, of retarded cuntery, as Broxburn or any other middling central belt town on a weekend in marching season.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:28,
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that's respectable and well behavedthink everyone over the age of 6 covered in home-done rangers and king billy tattoos, paralytically drunk men in suits punching each other in the street at midday, abuse slung back and forth, and the most police in one place I've ever seen. And I've been at milwall/cardiff games.
And this is nearly. every. fucking. weekend in the late summer
Edit - my post looks rather odd now you've removed the picture.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:34,
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Meh. It disappeared while you were resizing and I can't be arsed to edit againI'll just continue to look like a fool.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:44,
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well then, perhaps sir should learn a little about his own country's special culture before slagging off othersno?
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:34,
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People acting like titsWas a year long occupation in Glasgow, and not confined to Bank Holidays.
In MY experience, the English seemed to go especially fucking crazy on Bank Holidays, like a pack of raging benders. Hence my post.
(, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:59, Reply)
massive generalisationis massive. We could just both stick with "most people are right cunts regardless of nationality" and everyone would be happy. Except the Daily Mail, obviously.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:13,
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tl:dr?Cancerjoy threw his cat onto the road and it was run over, the end
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:46,
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That aint true, if you carefully skim read it He's living up to a national bitter stereotype(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:49,
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*yawn*I never believed the rumours that you were a dull, spent, old poofter, but I can now see the truth.
Get some fresh patter and some more anal tampons, before its too late.
(, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:24, Reply)
My first proper full-time job was in a hotelWhich meant that not only did I have to work on bank holidays, but that they were likely to be depressingly shit and busy (Christmas day) or meanderingly slow and dull, because everyone else in the world was out enjoying the bank holiday.
Alt: Not at all disasterous - your mum's vast experience meant that she was very sympathetic to my needs and able to teach me a lot.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:50,
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By that, you mean she didn't laugh at you when you finished after 3 seconds and started crying?(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:54,
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I was crying long before I had finished.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:57,
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there's just so much blood, isn't there?(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:37,
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Bank Holidays are for all day drinkingand therefore are good
Alt:
Pretty good actually. Managed not to be a two-stroke. I was 15
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:08,
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It's not a bank holiday up hereso I'll be at work. Which is infinitely less depressing than anything mentioned above/
Alt: I can't really remember. nothing memorable about it, so nothing bad, nothing spectacularly good. 16/17 I think.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:25,
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.. but then, that's the lot of a second-hand anal bead dealer.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:28,
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This is because she picked off the dead skin frtom her feet and sprinkled it into your teabecause she hates you
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:43,
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jacqui likes me, she said so when i got inshe told me her boyfriend keeps giving her dutch ovens, i said it must be love
(, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:48, Reply)
I was reading a recipe last night, from an american websitethe first instruction was to set your dutch oven to 6...
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:49,
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Good idea, do you wanna meet up at Laser Quest?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:57,
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That'll be green tea then.Tastes of dishwater or a stagnant pond. Filth.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:44,
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Needs more James Hutchings.Erm, actually, no I think about it... it doesn't. No thread does.
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:56,
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This could well be my worst Bank Holiday weekend, if Southend don't do the business on Saturday.Alt: I was 17 and should have been in A-Level English class. Which came back to haunt me when that particular aspect of The Wife Of Bath's Take came up in my exams 6 months later.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:38,
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you should have just described her tits in great detail as a fall-back.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:39,
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Unnethe myghte they the TITS holde
In which that they were bounden unto me.
Ye woot wel what I meene of this, pardee!
As help me God, I laughe whan I thynke
How pitously a-nyght I made Them swynge
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:43,
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Reading festival a few years ago at the front for Pearl Jamalt: it was excellent, Darth is a kind and gentle lover
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:42,
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\o/Pearl Jam gig in Manchester 20th June. WOOP!
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:43,
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I got taken on a trip to hunterston nuclear power station.it was dull.
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:43,
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you shut it an all, hippy.(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:48,
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I just about got teenage sex in I Was 18 and in a relationship, was very much in love and still love her in a way I guess. It was pretty good actually. Her parents went away for the weekend and I travelled to her place and we just spent the weekend shagging.
Unrelated, my sister in law told me off yesterday for having a picture of my daughter on facebook as its a heaven (sic) for pedos, sorry I should have said "It's a heaven for pedos" (sic). What a retard eh?
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Peej, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:45,
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Yeah has she never heard of Bebo?(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:47,
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Yeah, WHAT a retarddo you have any links?
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:47,
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BasicallyI posted THIS as my profile picture and had Darth vader as the cover pic so it looked like he was strangling her.
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Peej, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:49,
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Oh yes. WE ALL LOVE HORSES DON'T WE you massive retard.Thanks for that. Thankfully I don't sit in an open plan office.
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:51,
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Oh I'm the retard am I?You're the one that clicked it mwahahahaha.
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Peej, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:53,
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She Ra has really grown, watch out for "Man at Arms" I've heard he can be "handsy"(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:51,
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Yeah, WHAT a retarddo you have any links?
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:47,
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Really, I was always told it could come after either the word of phrase(
Peej, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:55,
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Ah so there should have been two Because she spelt haven wrong too
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Peej, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:57,
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And it needs quotation marks too.I might correct it, I am very embarrassed
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Peej, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:01,
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You were beaten to it by Quintenthat's DYAAKY territory there!
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Peej, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:10,
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if you look at the times of posting you can see clearly that monty had tome to read my postand was simply reiterating my point, you utter embarrassment
(, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:11, Reply)
Depends when he last refreshed doesn't it.You cum guzzling queen
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Peej, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:14,
Reply)
now you're a homophobic embarrassment, i hope this isn't why your wife is leaving you(, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:16, Reply)
Its not homophobicI was standing in a homosexual restaurant when I said it.
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Peej, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:22,
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My mate was the first guy in our group of friends to go down on a girl when we were about 14He didn't lose his virginity until he was 29 but oddly it was to the same girl.
INTERESTING EH!
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Peej, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:52,
Reply)
No, he's just not very good with the ladiesnot like me, I've got tonnes of girlfriends and they are mostly supermodels. Except Sharon, but its good to keep an ugly one around in case you need to last longer in the orgy.
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Peej, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:57,
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That isn't "not very good"it's spactacular
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:58,
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29? Christ he must have had wrists like telegraph poles. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:00,
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My mate didn't drain his spuds in the company of a lady until just after his 30th birthdayThey're now married with 2 sprogs.
(, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:08, Reply)
what is wrong with these peopleyou'd think by the time they were 20 they'd have dug out some old boiler to chuck their muck up just to get it done
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:09,
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Did your head dobber get in the way?(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:19,
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I wasn't always this devastatingly handsome and great with women, you know.
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Kroney, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:20,
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Past 30? Fucking hell. Is he Ann Widdecombe's uglier brother or something?(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:12,
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Well he's not the most handsome of chapsAnd somewhat overweight. And perhaps a little undiagnosed autism.
But apart from all that, he's a colossal cunt.
(, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:15, Reply)
My worst bank holiday and first sexual experience were one and the same weekend. Your Dad had got drunk and was being violent toward your Mum (as little blokes do). She had decided she wanted a real man and although I was only 14 she knew her achingly beautiful loins longed for me.
Long story short, smelly fanny=couldn't cum.
(, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:54, Reply)
This wins.Edit: I hope this doesn't make you my stepfather.
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:55,
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I feel completely fine this morning.This defies medical science. How can it be?
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:06,
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You are actually dead, sorry to be the bearer(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:07,
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Never overextend your thrust. You are vulnerable... and off balance!(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:11,
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What's wrong with being sexy?/alsofillum
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:13,
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Then I suggest you get yourself one.Why deny yourself life's little pleasures?
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:10,
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I have told the story of my first blowjob(s) beforebut no-one ever believes me and never ever will.
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Peej, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:02,
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there's some sort of twin sister theory(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:11,
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www.lugaluda.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/abby_and_brittany_hensel.jpeg
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:17,
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They are allowed to drive, one steers and the other brakes and acceleratesBut what I wnat to know is how many tits they have
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:19,
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Apparently only one has lost their viginityBut they only have one cunt!
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Peej, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:20,
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Two, according to WikipediaOnly one set of genitals though.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:20,
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that's just a picture of one girl lying behind another girl with her head over her shoulder(, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:22, Reply)
That's the fellasActually the real twins in question were also non-identical, so I guess it doesn't really count.
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Peej, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:23,
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Alt: I lasted an hour and thought I was some sort of sexual Tyrannosaur.Turns out I was doing it wrong.
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Kroney, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:03,
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I guess it's difficult to get much "purchase" on the holo-deck(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:04,
Reply)
I always disengage the safety protocolsI got a holo-dose :(
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Kroney, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:10,
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Did you stick it between his thighs instead of up his dirtbox?(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:04,
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His ear, he was just too polite to say anything.I have no idea how I got to the age of 30 with absolutely no grasp on basic human anatomy nor how unpleasant it must have been for your dad to put up with an amateurish hour long ear-fucking. He was very gentle, though.
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Kroney, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:07,
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He should date a diplodocusthey do amazing deepthroat
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:10,
Reply)
I'm too three dimensional and heavy for the pins :((
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:24,
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...or fat as we like to call it(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:24,
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You're even worse than usual today.I didn't know it was possible. I'm appalled.
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Kroney, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:25,
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People thought I'd sewn a pair of Space Hoppers to my trousers.(
Kroney, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:29,
Reply)
24?? Jesus. That's a long wait.
I'd already had a 6 year relationship with your Mum by then.
(, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:36, Reply)
(, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:20, Reply)
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