today has started swimmingly
i picked the wrong seat on a train, sat opposite a drunk asshole who couldn't keep his drink or himself on his side of the table. ended up with me asking him to stop throwing booze over me and heckling the girl three seats back, first nicely, then firmly, him hitting my laptop, and me completely losing my shit and shaking him like a terrier shaking a rat whils bellowing at him. not too proud of that one tbh.
what last made you lose your temper?

alt: what in particular has ruined your morning today?

alt alt: best crisps? my vote is t-bone steak roysters.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 18 May 2012, 10:54, 87 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Shall I call you a waaaaahmbulance?
Alt: whiny bitches

Alt: cheese and onion mccoys obviously.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 18 May 2012, 10:55, Reply)

jumbo size waahmbulance
and make it snappy.

mccoys are a close second.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 18 May 2012, 10:59, Reply)

You're roughly 10000000% wrong.
Cheese and Onion crisps are an abomination.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:04, Reply)

They do make a good crisp sandwich for some reason

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:10, Reply)

or topping for pasta bakes
true story
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:14, Reply)

Chilli crisps mixed with cheese make the best topping

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:16, Reply)

You and your shit thread. I am FURIOUS.
Alt: see above
Alt alt: those root vegetable crisps
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:00, Reply)

Your AltAlt makes you an even bigger ponce than I already thought you were.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:04, Reply)

I don't really like crisps. Soz everyone.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)

internets: serious bidness
root vegetable crisps? christ on a bike. why don't you just buy a dress and be done with it.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:05, Reply)

I don't like those crisps, they have a clawing taste about halfway through a pack.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:06, Reply)

that's your mortal soul leaving your body
in disgust at your middle-class waitrose aspirations.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:07, Reply)

THey're too healthy to be sat next to you while you're playing computer games in your pants.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:09, Reply)

One of my friends acting like a bitch last night, then trying to tell me to be nice around my ex with my new missus
I pointed out that I'd be more than happy to if between the two of them they hadn't been bitching about the new girl the entire night.

Alt: Vodafone taking my bill a week early.

Alt Alt: Skips
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:05, Reply)

skips is only allowed
if you buy the multipack, then empty all the little packs into the outer wrapper forming one uber-bag.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:06, Reply)

Hahaha!
Multipack crisps make great normal crisps for giants
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:08, Reply)

Yep!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:08, Reply)

God imagine seeing Battered doing that.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:16, Reply)

He's too busy at work for crisps

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:19, Reply)

That kid has a great mongy eye.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:23, Reply)

He can spot them a mile off.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:27, Reply)

Skips are the raging bender of the snack world

( Peej, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)

You're the raging bender of the snack world

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:17, Reply)

Customers shouting like bitches about nothing

Alt:
A cold sausage sandwich

Alt Alt:
T-Bone steak or the root veg ones, as both previously mentioned
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:07, Reply)

Someone said something on the internet and it was srs biz so I threw my laptop at the wall and it smashed
My morning was ruined weeks ago

Crisps have to be made from slices of potato. Any of these maize based snacks and stuff made from reformed potato can fuck right off. Also AA is quite clearly a Bent Spastic Nonce because Cheese and Onion crisps are ace. I like mature chedder and red onion crisps.
( Peej, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:12, Reply)

lets not limit our snacking potential
kettle chips are the mack daddy though.

also noteworthy: i fucking hate when brands try to justify the pricing by going 'it's NOT a cheese and onion, it's mature red leicester and shallot' or 'maldon sea salt and balsamic vinegar strained through the minge-hair of nubile virgins' call a spade a spade ffs.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:16, Reply)

Cheese and onion crisps are for spastics, nonces, both of the above, and those who stay in a loveless marriage.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:18, Reply)

what about spastic nonces in a loveless marriage?
what do they eat?

babies. messily. alone. in front of the tv. crying.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:19, Reply)

I don't know, but I know they drink parma violets vodka

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:20, Reply)

A-zing-a-zang-a-dong for a hol-ee-day.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:22, Reply)

You try having children and then see how fucking hard it is to leave them

( Peej, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:23, Reply)

I did, left him by the train track
I think his name was James, or something...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:25, Reply)

hahaha!
Ooof
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:29, Reply)

some lazy arse who sent an email round work....
just cos they couldn't be arsed to do an intranet search taking 5 seconds.

alt. nothing yet but the day is young.

altalt. walkers salt and vinegar or mccoys steak.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:12, Reply)

Aren't you free fair? You're meant to be 16?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)

*stands up*
I'M Freefair.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:17, Reply)

No I'm etc...

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 18 May 2012, 11:21, Reply)

*confused*
I'm definitely me. At least I was this morning when I got up.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:34, Reply)

I thought it was freefair too
until he mentioned his kid.
( Kroney, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:23, Reply)

It's all bollocks

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:30, Reply)

Last lost my temper with the local dickhead/village idiot.
Alt:Realising I'd not sent an email I promised yesterday - good news is the recipient wasn't able to pick it up before this morning anyway - phew!
Alt Alt:Chicken and stuffing flavour - especially when in a sandwich *drools*
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)

good call
also: roast ham and mustard crisps, the hot-as-hell ones. crisp bastard.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:20, Reply)

Not much today. In a pretty chipper mood.
Although I guarantee dealing with estate agents again later will make me lose all faith in humanity.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:16, Reply)

Are you moving to Bethnal Green?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:17, Reply)

Nah. Stuff with work.
Although I will be moving that way in twelve months. And I am in Clapton as I type.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:26, Reply)

Looking forward to having you in 'right London'.
I'll soon stop this 'no drugs' nonsense.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:36, Reply)

Don't lose faith in humanity because you have to deal with Estate Agents!
Remember, Estate Agents aren't human, they're made from rotting baboon anuses held together with lies and deceit. That's why they wear so much aftershave - to kill the smell of festering primate sphincter.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:20, Reply)

Fry and Laurie's estate agents sketch is one of their finest.
'Simon Flaccid here'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:25, Reply)

Alt: I believe I may have mentioned before, I'm not having a great morning.
alt alt: Walkers do a big bag called Crunchy, I think. The blue ones of those are fantastic. I think they're sour cream and onion, or something.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 18 May 2012, 11:23, Reply)

Not lost my temper for sometime actually.
And it would probably have been with my ex girlfriend who I dumped in January. I have been a model of calmness ever since.

Alt: Nothing at all. See above.

Alt Alt: There are 2 correct answers to this one - a) Walkers Roast Chicken, and b) Doritos Tangy Cheese.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 18 May 2012, 11:23, Reply)

My piss smells EXACTLY like Walkers Roast Chicken crisps
after I have been 'caning it'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:29, Reply)

Whatevs Monters, I'm still not drinking it.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 18 May 2012, 11:31, Reply)

Every time you eat your nommy favourite crisps from now on,
in the back of your mind will be the thought of my dark orange, smelly cognac-wee.

Bon appetit!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)

*boaks into crisp bag*

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 18 May 2012, 11:42, Reply)

I'd rather talk about raffles again to be honest.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:29, Reply)

The Gentleman Thug

( Peej, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:31, Reply)

The upmarket hotel?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 18 May 2012, 11:32, Reply)

i referenced viz this week in work
nobody got my finbarr saunders gag.
the person in question wrote 'mascot beat off some stiff competition, and came first'
ffs.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)

Was his name Mr Gimlett, by any chance?
"I'm going away today Finbarr, and I'm going to give your mother a lift. OH YES, YOUR MOTHER'S GOING TO OLDHAM AND I'M GOING TO BANGOR AS FAST AS I CAN."
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 18 May 2012, 11:44, Reply)

In the 17th century
Cromwell's puritan movement banned raffles following a typo in a parliamentary decree. They actually wanted to ban ruffles on clothing, because they deemed them to be decadent royalist trappings unsuited to the sober outlook of their faith.

To this day, there are parts of Derbyshire in which you can be hanged merely for mentioning raffles.

(c) Gyles Brandreth, 'So, You Think You Know About Raffles?', Harper Collins 1986
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:33, Reply)

There's a Taxi company in Milton Keynes called Raffles.
Often said that it's called that because it's a raffle if they turn up on time! sne sne
(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:37, Reply)

Gyles isn't the only one to enjoy a raffle

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:41, Reply)

How about a 'news' link?
PM needs to fuck off back to mumsnet
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 18 May 2012, 11:37, Reply)

I think they should be fucking mandatory.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)

Well, yes, I agree that most people seem to have no fucking idea how to raise civilised children
but it would be nice to think they learn it from their family and not through state-sponsored stating-the-bloody-obvious lessons.

Then again, childrearing is hardly my area of expertise, and it's not something I ever want to have anything to do with.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 18 May 2012, 11:41, Reply)

Scaryduck's the expert on 'child rearing', that's what I heard.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:44, Reply)

ScaryGadd deleted my response to his post in the sex toys QOTW.
I asked him if he'd ever used sex toys on his kids.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:45, Reply)

I wonder how you'd take it if a bunch of people accused you of abusing your child online.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:46, Reply)

Shall we give it a go and find out?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 18 May 2012, 11:47, Reply)

No, that would be childish, I just think battered is being a bit double standardy

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:48, Reply)

I think someone did in the past. Can't remember who though.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:48, Reply)

Me, you fucking nonce.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 12:24, Reply)

It would be nice for that to happen, but not everyone has a family.
And also "how it's always been done" isn't the same as the best advice available at the moment. You wouldn't have farmers using the same technique through generations and that practice is nearly as old as child raising.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:44, Reply)

Like I said, I'm not personally involved in the process
so I don't really have any idea how it should be done.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 18 May 2012, 11:48, Reply)

You're rubbish
need some mothers back on here to get all angry about it. Where's Chicken lady when you need her.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:51, Reply)

: (

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 18 May 2012, 11:53, Reply)

Chickenlady could talk about parenting AND farming techniques.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 18 May 2012, 12:06, Reply)

Basically the same thing except you're the one being milked.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 May 2012, 12:14, Reply)

the two aren't that dissimilar

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 18 May 2012, 12:14, Reply)

What, news threads?
I'd never have guessed.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:43, Reply)

Not for me, ta.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:40, Reply)

Not lost it for ages, think a funeral and a shit of a relative. Alcohol involved, obviously.
Alt, nothing really, although I am saddened by the passing of Donna Summer. I Feel Love, bit of a 12" classic from my much younger skool disco years.
Alt alt, I used to like the Salt 'n' shake ones.
Not sure if they're still around.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 18 May 2012, 11:36, Reply)

I'm pretty sure they are still around
but these days they're Walkers instead of Smiths.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 18 May 2012, 11:42, Reply)

Eat a biscuit eat a cake
eat your knickers by mistake
( Peej, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:39, Reply)

Well, this is good, isn't it?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 May 2012, 12:16, Reply)

Nope
I shall be improving things by fucking off home soon though
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 May 2012, 12:18, Reply)

Best thread ever.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 May 2012, 12:18, Reply)