I work on a taxi desk
and take up to three hundred calls a shift.

For the past couple of days, I've had a lad calling for prices from Hogwarts, or trying to order pizzas. Yesterday, his female companion told me she'd just had the best sex ever.

While it's going a break from the monotony, I'm running out of comebacks.

So please, loverly Off Topicers, tell me how to deal with these amusing cranks.
( Papa Noel is looking forward to filling your stockings, Wed 6 May 2009, 9:34, Reply)

Simple.
Start telling about the pre-cum, No3L, in great detail.
(Monty Bah-HumBoyce : the voice of reason as always, Wed 6 May 2009, 9:36, Reply)

If either of them call then just ask them what they are wearing and turn into a dirty old man.
If you're subtle about it you can freak them out.
( big-girl's-baubles is tired of fighting the inevitable, Wed 6 May 2009, 9:36, Reply)

Easy
"Please be aware that your call is being recoreded by due to the amount of prank calls we have been receiving. Your telephone number has been noted".
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Wed 6 May 2009, 10:13, Reply)

Withheld number
else I'd have posted their number here for your enjoyment.
( Papa Noel is looking forward to filling your stockings, Wed 6 May 2009, 10:35, Reply)

You could try being excessively helpful:
how about, "While a taxi obviously can't get to Hogwarts a short walk through the forbidden forest will take you to the town of Rhynie where it is known as The Clashindarroch Forest by the muggles, from there a taxi would cost X"

Or for the Pizza's take their order and address all seriously then call Domino's and order what they asked to be delivered.
(Jingle Bills, Jingle Bills, Jingle All The Way, Wed 6 May 2009, 11:16, Reply)

Get a pre-recorded message
"Please note, calls are charged at £3.50 per minute."
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 6 May 2009, 11:17, Reply)