References and testimonials
So, some guy I like shockingly claims he doesn't want to be my boyfriend. He's playing hard to get, in an extreme and ever-so realistic way. Something about an age gap and me not being the woman of his dreams. It's almost as if he truly doesn't want me as a girlfriend. Obviously he's delusional. I am thinking of obtaining good references and letters of support from people so that he will reconsider my application. Al's mum is already composing a glowing tribute.
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:44, Reply)

How about something simple?
"She'll let you put it anywhere"
( Agnostic Antichristmas X-Box Live: BouYatFastard, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:45, Reply)

*rubs thighs* CHCB seems pretty cool
- Some mental bloke from the internet

If that testimonial don't work nothing will!
( Captain V, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:45, Reply)

Bottle of cheap wine?
Maybe two.
( Cawl - King Of Wales, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:45, Reply)

Would a b3ta kidnap
squad help?
( ancrenne doesn't eat anything that can play video games, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:46, Reply)

Possibly.
Would this be financially beneficial as well as emotionally? If so, then yes.
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:49, Reply)

For who?
Is there someone (not you) who'd pay a large ransom?

If so I've some rope and a tarp to wrap him up in. Nicely, like..
( ancrenne doesn't eat anything that can play video games, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:52, Reply)

He's got more money than me
so maybe.
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:56, Reply)

Testimonials?
Nah. Just show up at his house wearing some skimpy garments* and carrying alcohol.

*edit - or indeed nothing at all.
( K2k6 is having Christmas issues, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:46, Reply)

Ignore my previous reply
K2 has clearly come up with the best solution.
( Captain V, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:48, Reply)

I'm a mentalist, and a geek
...and I think CHCB's hot - and that you'd be an idiot to turn her down.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:46, Reply)

Shit! why didn't I think of this.
Can I have one too.

After all I am ace, even if my object of desire has realised that yet.
( big-girl's-baubles is still too scared to ask someone out : (, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:47, Reply)

"BGB is ace
and all of the win"
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:59, Reply)

Nah,
we're already nakedly acquainted. Several times over. It's just that he does not see the logic of repeating this on a frequent basis.
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:48, Reply)

Ah well
That fucks everything up then, eh? :)
( K2k6 is having Christmas issues, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:49, Reply)

Hmmm...
"I'd rather have CHCB than cancer."
Kaol.
( Cawl - King Of Wales, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:48, Reply)

but
both will fuck you
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:00, Reply)

But cancer doesn't have an ass that you can fuck.

( althechristmasgeordie swooping in there like a randy eagle., Mon 11 May 2009, 17:03, Reply)

But you can sometimes
Recover from cancer...
( Cawl - King Of Wales, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:04, Reply)

How about...
CHCB always makes great sense on threads and really makes me laugh apparently has a trick pelvis.
( O Little Downs of Bethlehem [insert Al here], Mon 11 May 2009, 16:49, Reply)

I heartily endorse CHCB as a worthy addition to your life
During her tenure here she has consistently demonstrated excellence in the field, along with a thirst for knowledge and a true passion for getting hands on.
( Labia Majora when you're feeling down, I'll feel you up, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:49, Reply)

I swear
my last reference did actually say this
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:50, Reply)

I'm not reading your mail
I promise!
( Labia Majora when you're feeling down, I'll feel you up, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:54, Reply)

CHCB is only the holy fucking messiah.
.
( big-girl's-baubles is still too scared to ask someone out : (, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:50, Reply)

Dear Mr Clueless...
I think you should go out with CHCB as she is lovely, and a bit of a goer, by all accounts.

I am not stating this based purely on stuff I have read on the internet either. Oh no. I've met her twice, and despite being Norn Irish she did not attempt to blow me up or anything, which is OK in my book.

Yours,

DG.
( Davros' Granddad booked a holiday, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:51, Reply)

...
"blow me up"
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:54, Reply)

"I would"
- Internetter
(Is this a good idea? ... Yes this is definitely a good idea, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:52, Reply)

She is...
...free of most diseases and not likely to poo herself on a date.
(DrTugnutcracker Is on holiday. Drink! Arse! Feck!, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:52, Reply)

Don't be a pussy
Worked at school when people wanted to persuade others to smoke!
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:52, Reply)

I've not met the lady
but I have read the occasional post, and looked her up on the b3ta bashes flickr pool, which I feel qualifies me to speak authoritatively on the subject.

Would.
( The Light In Giftwrap won't play poker with the Skull Spark Joker, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:54, Reply)

Or you could Double-Dog-Dare him to be your boyfriend
Then he HAS to.

By law.
( Labia Majora when you're feeling down, I'll feel you up, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:55, Reply)

That's taking it a bit far isn't it?
Sadist.
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:58, Reply)

Needs must

( Labia Majora when you're feeling down, I'll feel you up, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:00, Reply)

Rather than references...
...how about you threaten him with having his details shared on B3ta?

The potential for something vile/dangerous happening to him would be much higher anywhere else.
(DrTugnutcracker Is on holiday. Drink! Arse! Feck!, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:56, Reply)

Nah,
because
1. he's nice
2. he is a geek and therefore Interweb threats hold no fear
3. I'd like to keep him away from b3ta because he's funnier than me
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:57, Reply)

He's nice...
He can't be that nice if he is saying no to you.

Are you sure he is not a gayer?
(DrTugnutcracker Is on holiday. Drink! Arse! Feck!, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:59, Reply)

I have used extensive practical hands-on investigation
to determine that he is definitely not a gayer.
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:00, Reply)

Also...
...if you suggest throwing one of your girl friends into the mix, eh?

If you do - pictures. I baggsied first.
(DrTugnutcracker Is on holiday. Drink! Arse! Feck!, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:57, Reply)

To whome it may concern
I'm writting to you in regards to "Crack House Ceilidh Band a.k.a. CHCB" and her current status of singledom, and what we can do to rectify the situation.

Aside the ovbouse qualitys that stand out like a beckan in the night, I can reliably and fully inform you that she would be a perfect candidate for potential mate. She is modest to say, but she is the world's only holder of 25 michiline stars, and has been known to turn ASDA Value Fish Fingers into Lobster, a skill that is rare indeed. Her housekeeping skills are second to none, she once opened her home (and her heart (and the hearts of the nation)) to the general public, where she recieved status from The British Hotel Athority of 10 Stars, they actually had to adjust the layout of their latest magazine to acomidate such an acolade. She is goal orietated and has achieved results in the ongoing research into the elimitation of homeless people, her sollution and plees to the Europien Union to "Just sort it out, mate, c'mon." was backed by Kofie-Annan and resulted in instant housing for those relivent to the program. I've been reliably form that she is well equiped and armed for all bedroom anticks, according to Leonardo DiCaprio, Justin Timberlake and Stephen Fry.

In light of this news, I do hope you reconsider your opinion and as thus proced to woe her at the next avaible opertunity.

Kind Regards

Gonz
( Dance, Gonz, where ever you may be, for you are the lord of the dance settee. Disclaimer: I'm joking, soz for potential offence., Mon 11 May 2009, 17:00, Reply)

I think that bit
about the elimination of homeless people will win him over. I think he'd like a nice, decisive, final solution like that.
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:02, Reply)

Hah.

( Dance, Gonz, where ever you may be, for you are the lord of the dance settee. Disclaimer: I'm joking, soz for potential offence., Mon 11 May 2009, 17:03, Reply)

This reference wins.
If he doesn't accept you after that then you'll just have to work your way around the b3tans - male and female.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 11 May 2009, 18:39, Reply)

CHCB: "You're the one-that-I-want ... ooh-ooh ohhhhh" (ad nauseam)
There are lasses who'll drop their trollies for a one-nighter.
There are lasses who'll be yours after a glass of wine.
There are lasses who'll stay with you for no reason - other than convenience.

There are however, very few lasses who'd deliberately travel the world in a shagged out Polo.

This Sums up CHCB rather well. Always willing to push the extremes, but discerning, plotting, and after serious deliberation - like the mongolian rally - the extremes will be long, hard and seriously filthy with much dirt-road driving.

Turn down a lass like that, and it's simply because you're too chicken for the ride.

CHCB: Better than a microwaved water-mellon and a napkin ring rolled together - The ultimate seal of approval.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed turned your mother down, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:02, Reply)

Jesus!
If my chap reads this, he'll probably want you instead of me.
( big-girl's-baubles is still too scared to ask someone out : (, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:04, Reply)

...
I see a 3-some opertunity here...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed turned your mother down, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:06, Reply)

I can't do threesomes.
I get confused.
( big-girl's-baubles is still too scared to ask someone out : (, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:07, Reply)

3some?
Shimplesh.

More holes, wetter, more choice... more to eat... and warmer in the winter.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed turned your mother down, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:09, Reply)

It's all the arms and legs and heads.
I wouldn't know if I was coming or going ; )
( big-girl's-baubles is still too scared to ask someone out : (, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:10, Reply)

:/
The former...

I guarantee it.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed turned your mother down, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:13, Reply)

And then there's the whole "Damn it, am I living [person 1] out? God, I wish [person 2] wasn't here...
... what does he think he's doing down there? Ohhh, that's never happend before, [person 1] is quite good at that, oh shit, he's stopped, fuck, I was almost there. Why did I invite [person 2] again? I don't think I even did, he just kindda joined in. I wonder of [person 1] actually respects me, as a person. I wish I had the chance to take my socks off, how do I go about bringing that up? I can't just stop to take them off... jesus, how old is that dirty plate on top of the side table? How hard would it have been to use a coster? I wonder if his pants are folded. Fuck, fuck, fuck, damn it, oh man, shit, I forgot to put The Apprentice on record."
( Dance, Gonz, where ever you may be, for you are the lord of the dance settee. Disclaimer: I'm joking, soz for potential offence., Mon 11 May 2009, 17:20, Reply)

I'd say
"I would"
(CaptainInnuendo One mouthful contains all your vitamin C needs., Mon 11 May 2009, 17:15, Reply)

Please, please, please stop this,
I have already said "no".
( Undulating Tentacles of Love Eifel 65 - "I'm Blue" for Christmas number 1, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:15, Reply)

but
your eyes said yes
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:19, Reply)

but my beak said no.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love Eifel 65 - "I'm Blue" for Christmas number 1, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:21, Reply)

but it won't say a thing
once the rohypnol kicks in
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:39, Reply)

I've given up, really.
The trouble with having lots in common with someone is that stubborness is a shared trait also. Immovable object, unstoppable force.

This is all made more poignant by the fact that he is blind and retarded.

Now, my ideal relationship is one where I spend time with someone who is my friend and whom I care about and who I get to be monogamous with and have a good, fun, dirty time with, and yet I still have my own space and get to keep my independence and nothing seems prescribed or forcefully adhering to some kind of rigid social definition of cliched coupledom. And would involve booze.
I mean, is that too much to ask? Is it? Eh? EH?
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:19, Reply)

So, basiccly, you want a pet dog.

( Dance, Gonz, where ever you may be, for you are the lord of the dance settee. Disclaimer: I'm joking, soz for potential offence., Mon 11 May 2009, 17:23, Reply)

"a fun, dirty time"
You don't own a dog do you?
( Undulating Tentacles of Love Eifel 65 - "I'm Blue" for Christmas number 1, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:24, Reply)

No
=(((
( Dance, Gonz, where ever you may be, for you are the lord of the dance settee. Disclaimer: I'm joking, soz for potential offence., Mon 11 May 2009, 17:25, Reply)

a dog
might be just the thing to fill the gaping hole.

I'm not allowed pets though, not til the ASBO ends. If I go within 100 metres of a petting zoo I'll be back in court quicker than you can say "I didn't think it would come off in my hand"
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:25, Reply)

I've got an alsatian and a video camera
I think we could make some money.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love Eifel 65 - "I'm Blue" for Christmas number 1, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:26, Reply)

I got a premium YouTube account, would that be ok?

( Dance, Gonz, where ever you may be, for you are the lord of the dance settee. Disclaimer: I'm joking, soz for potential offence., Mon 11 May 2009, 17:28, Reply)

I have access to a colour photocopier
so I could literally make some money, and we could just use the alsatian and video camera for sex.
( crackhouseceilidhband I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby for a buck, Mon 11 May 2009, 17:28, Reply)

Well this thread has cheered me up no end
And I was feeling rather down after posting some stuff on another site where everyone was saying it was wonderful - I'm suspicious of sico psycho sychopant people who suck up...as opposed to off.



Ahem.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 11 May 2009, 18:44, Reply)

Dear Mr. Clueless
I've heard CHCB can do wonders with a 10 metre length of Ethernet cable.

Yours,

Some dude with an iPhone on the Piccadilly line.
( mistaspakkaman is just a little boy who likes to press buttons., Mon 11 May 2009, 18:45, Reply)