katz
Is there a humane method of deterring cats from my garden without

a: causing them undue stress
b: buying my own cat
(sandettie light vessel automatic My dog has no dictionary, how does it spell awful?, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:41, Reply)

Shotgun.

( Cawl - King Of Wales, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:41, Reply)

^^
This. It's the most humane method.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Has an atom bomb, a motherfucking atom bomb, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:45, Reply)

^^ This
with bells on
(The Supreme Crow with all the charm of a musk ox, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:51, Reply)

Orange Peel
Apparently
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:42, Reply)

tried that
it doesn't work, and attracts wasps
(sandettie light vessel automatic My dog has no dictionary, how does it spell awful?, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:44, Reply)

Wasps
The little wankers

I also heard that CD's deter too, they dont like the reflections etc...

I once tried a load of 'Cat Repellant' fucking stinks and usless after a rain shower cause it washes away!
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:46, Reply)

Dog
maybe a bit 'ruff' though.

*cheap gags*
(bazmorningstar of Bethlehem Meal Of Yule On Time. Xmas dinner must be punctual, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:45, Reply)

My dad bought a wee motion sensitive box
That emits a high pitched whine if anything goes past it. Supposedly too high-pitched for humans to hear.

Unfortunately, as a drunk too inebriated to get in the door, this served to deny me sleeping with my kebab on the front lawn. It works on drunks - not sure about cats.


I had to sleep in the back garden
(The Dirty Christmas Treeker I will bite your face off, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:48, Reply)

I can hear those
Well well they cycle through the lower frequencies
( I saw Al kissing Santa Claus before doing it reindeer style under the tree, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:51, Reply)

Yeah we got one of these
Had issues with cats shitting in the bunkers of our back garden golf course.

They dont work at all, and I can certainly hear the bastarding thing
(Is this a good idea? ... Yes this is definitely a good idea, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:30, Reply)

build a moat

( Kristine doesn't want a fucking christmas name, you cunt, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:48, Reply)

Nuke it from orbit
It's the only way to be sure.
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:50, Reply)

Or as a tattie-picker would say:
Nuke it from orbit
It's the only way to be sure, to be sure.
(The Dirty Christmas Treeker I will bite your face off, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:51, Reply)

Do what Psychochomp would do.
Have a quiet word with them.
( big-girl's-baubles fixed her cat flap, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:50, Reply)

I don't think cats
would be deterred with a stern flaming of a level not seen since alt.comp.amiga
(sandettie light vessel automatic My dog has no dictionary, how does it spell awful?, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:12, Reply)

Shoot them with a super soaker

( Christmas Fairy is clumsily dancing away this fear, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:51, Reply)

clever BFF

( Kristine doesn't want a fucking christmas name, you cunt, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:51, Reply)

This^
But also make sure the super-soaker is loaded with a mixture of warm water and honey. For some reason they hate it. Alternatively throw catnip seeds into your neighbours garden.
Ooops. Duplicate.
(porkyulelips Built for comfort, not for speed., Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:55, Reply)

They hate water enough
No need to make them sticky for their owners.
( Christmas Fairy is clumsily dancing away this fear, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:59, Reply)

It's more subtle than that.
They lick it off while grooming themselves to get rid of the soakingness. So they don't go home sticky in most cases, just grumpy cos they don't like honey.
(porkyulelips Built for comfort, not for speed., Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:01, Reply)

Plant Catnip
In your Neighbours garden...
(The Dirty Christmas Treeker I will bite your face off, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:53, Reply)

Hehe
^^ this FTW!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent Althegeordie *shakes fist*, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:56, Reply)

Water
Sprinklers, hose-pipes, Super-soakers, pints of lovely lovely h2o. Pisses them right off, it does.
( Papa Noel is looking forward to filling your stockings, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:56, Reply)

Just remembered this
Couple of weeks back a cat turned up when our backdoor was open. After my brother trying several poor attempts to shoo it out and picking it up and dumping it outside (for it to turn round and come straight back in) I picked up the small foam ball* that was left on the sofa and threw it as hard as I could. Surprisingly I hit it. Even more surprisingly, the cat has yet to return.


*Now, catfans, it really was small and soft. No damage done, but the cat got the point.
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:04, Reply)

Make friends with da puddy-tat
they are all of the lovleyness.

I like cats.
( Colonel Dracula Is not as think as you drunk I am, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:04, Reply)

Not
When they adopt your garden as their toilet, even though their litter tray is only 25 feet away. Smelly horrible things.
(porkyulelips Built for comfort, not for speed., Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:10, Reply)

Mrs SLVA did suggest getting a kitteh
but then I pointed out that it might treat our new sofa as a scratching post and score fuck out of the new wooden flooring.
(sandettie light vessel automatic My dog has no dictionary, how does it spell awful?, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:15, Reply)

They have retractable claws
unlike dogs, so less likely to scratch your flooring.

And it only needs some stern shouts to stop it scratching any other furniture, alternatively, buy it a scratching post.
(Ethelred likes his own webhosting services, do you?, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 16:03, Reply)

The catnip idea
could well solve two problems. The other being to piss off my miserable cunt neighbour.
(sandettie light vessel automatic My dog has no dictionary, how does it spell awful?, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:16, Reply)

land mines?
hth
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:17, Reply)

Pressure plates
everytime kittie steps on them they get a small electric shock. they'd soon get the picture!
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:20, Reply)

Don't all old people
have a little metal silhouette of a cat in their garden to do that job? I also heard that if you put a model of a duck looking scared in a field it means other ducks won't land there. That made me laugh though so there's a chance it may be a ruse.
(Kitty O'Falalalala La La La La is a master corsetier since 1875, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:20, Reply)

Id love to see that!
What does a scared duck look like exactly?
(Is this a good idea? ... Yes this is definitely a good idea, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:33, Reply)

Google image search 'scared duck'
I think Daffy is the best one.
(Kitty O'Falalalala La La La La is a master corsetier since 1875, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 16:12, Reply)

Ha!
Yeah that'd put me off!
(Is this a good idea? ... Yes this is definitely a good idea, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 16:24, Reply)

Wolf piss
You can buy a spray bottle of it off t'intraweb.

The smell of a larger predator will get rid of them, maybe dogs too.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:20, Reply)

I wonder what kind of poor bastard
has the job of collecting wolf wee
(Kitty O'Falalalala La La La La is a master corsetier since 1875, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:27, Reply)

Would have thought
its pretty dangerous, even if they gather the aftermath using a sponge?
(Ethelred likes his own webhosting services, do you?, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 16:04, Reply)

I think they get it
by putting collection bottles on their scent posts and regular piss places.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 16:23, Reply)

Elephant Shit!!!
Availble online or from your nearest zoo/safari park
(Spikey halls and boughs of Pickle fa la la la la, la, la, la laaaaa wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:25, Reply)

Orange peel around the edges of the garden
cats hate the stuff, and it does work.
/has successfully used this in two gardens
( The Great Architect, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 18:35, Reply)