Cats keep on shitting in my garden and trying to dig up my turf
I don't mind cats, normally, but if they come in or near my garden I turn into the most furious cat hater. I'd wring the fuckers necks if I could get my hands on them. Especially that black siamese cunt.

Anyone got any serious and working ways of keeping them out of my garden?
( Festivipros looks like he stands on kids' toys, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:34, Reply)

I read that subject line in the voice of a 1970s pimp.

( Dance, Gonz, where ever you may be, for you are the lord of the dance settee. Disclaimer: I'm joking, soz for potential offence., Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:36, Reply)

^this
Hilarity ensures.
(PJM Does not love Liberace, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:39, Reply)

are you suggesting that I bitch-slap them?
I'm all for it
( Festivipros looks like he stands on kids' toys, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:04, Reply)

^^Oh I can't get over this!
I am just laughing and trying to say it over and over. My pimp voice is sounding more and more pissed-off as I do!
"Peep, cracker!!"
(Roota Claus Iz in ur Xpelair high-pitching ur whines, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:06, Reply)

Moth balls usually work
If you can find them

Or you can get motion sensor water cannon things that shoot em, they sound brilliant!
(Is this a good idea? ... Yes this is definitely a good idea, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:40, Reply)

Lasers would be more fun though
I'm sure you could adapt this to target cats instead of mosquitoes!
( Captain V, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:44, Reply)

I've heard about mothballs, so I'll give them a go
worth a try
( Festivipros looks like he stands on kids' toys, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:48, Reply)

Citrus peals and fox piss.
I'm not sure where you'll get the citrus peals, but the fox piss can be found at most garen centres.
( Dance, Gonz, where ever you may be, for you are the lord of the dance settee. Disclaimer: I'm joking, soz for potential offence., Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:44, Reply)

I'll give citrus peel a go too I reckon
fox piss is pretty stinky so I'd rather avoid that I reckon
( Festivipros looks like he stands on kids' toys, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:51, Reply)

How about eat LOADS of lemons,
Then piss in the garden?
( Cawl - King Of Wales, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:54, Reply)

this I can manage
citrus piss FTW
( Festivipros looks like he stands on kids' toys, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:02, Reply)

Yeah', but it taste just like Red Bull and cherry lipgloss.

( Dance, Gonz, where ever you may be, for you are the lord of the dance settee. Disclaimer: I'm joking, soz for potential offence., Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:58, Reply)

Trust me on this one.
Cats are scared of the scent of larger animals.
Get a mate with a dog to come over and let it run around in the garden, pissing on stuff.
This'll make the cats think twice.

Failing this, piss in the garden yourself.
( Cawl - King Of Wales, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:44, Reply)

well my folks have a dog, so might try that, although dog piss will harm the turf too
pissing in there myself isn't a bad idea
( Festivipros looks like he stands on kids' toys, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:48, Reply)

Dogs tend to piss on the edges
Of an area, so against fences, etc.
( Cawl - King Of Wales, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:58, Reply)

not sure I know anyone with a male dog
female ones tend to piss in the middle of places
( Festivipros looks like he stands on kids' toys, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:02, Reply)

I think female dog piss
actually does more damage to the turf than male dog piss.

Something about the balance of hormones in it.

As for your own piss...cats are not scared of humans! They'll just crowd round the spot where you pissed expecting someone to feed them or rub their belly before getting bored and going to sleep.
(The Supreme Crow with all the charm of a musk ox, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:07, Reply)

Shhhhh!
I was trying to get him to piss in his garden like some kind of animal!
( Cawl - King Of Wales, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:08, Reply)

if they fall asleep in my garden this means I can get them and put them in my cat-apult
and send them flying through the skies over Exeter
( Festivipros looks like he stands on kids' toys, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:10, Reply)

*Looks up from taking a piss all over his windows*
huh? what was that?
( Dance, Gonz, where ever you may be, for you are the lord of the dance settee. Disclaimer: I'm joking, soz for potential offence., Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:48, Reply)

Air rifle
For several years now, my father has been curbing the menace of grey squirrels in his garden by shooting them with an air rifle. It's certainly meant a marked fall in the number of squirrels sneaking into his garden to molest his tomato plants.

However, I suspect the neighbours might object if somebody starting shooting their cats...
(The Supreme Crow with all the charm of a musk ox, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:06, Reply)

Orange peel around the borders of your garden
and a super soaker/water sprayer of some sort for you to use when you see the cat.
( Mary's sexbox explosion makes me The Jesus, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:08, Reply)

They're cats
Know that the moment you start trying to keep them out they will be ten times more determined to come in. It's their nature.
( The Light In Giftwrap won't play poker with the Skull Spark Joker, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:18, Reply)

Throw wine corks at them.
Does fuck all good but getting the ammunition is ace!
(porkyulelips Built for comfort, not for speed., Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:31, Reply)

If it's fenced,
slap some spikes on top.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:50, Reply)