My great grandma
was blind, and a racist!
My mum told her that I was black to get her to shut up about it. She died when she was about 90, in her will she left the 'nigro' kid 25 cents to get a gum ball.

My grandma also talked about her trip to vegas.... she actually went to Denver....
:-I
(Werdmaster, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 7:01, Reply)

k
My father is weird, he often starts talking and stops in the middle of the sentence or he just doesn't reply. He forgets anything you tell him.

He once ran up to my room and started asking why I wasn't in school, and it was sunday :|
(GiveMeMyLiverBack, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 6:24, Reply)

whats wrong with 'fork and knife'?
Makes sense to me. Its things you eat with.
( tico, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 6:23, Reply)

Knowing that I'd got a keyboard for my 10th birthday
My gran spotted the ideal birthday card for me - it had a cartoon of somebody playing the keyboard on it.

She obviously hadn't read the inscription on the front though.

"Happy birthday! Tonight we could make beautiful music together, just you and me... and your organ."

*shudders*
(albatross! aka Rameses Niblick III Kerplunk kerplunk - whoops, where's my thribble?, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 6:14, Reply)

There are many short circuits in my mother's brain,
which results in many arguments. I once asked her, "Is it red or gren?" and she said "Thursday." I laughed and repeated the question, and she again said Thursday. I explained that the answer could only be red, or green, but she was unable to answer other than Thursday. Fortunately, she found it quite funny too, and gave me a swat for laughing at her!
(ghettobooty, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 5:12, Reply)

My Grandad
My grandad used to rock... He would turn his earing aid down when my nan used to moan.
and he was a silver surfer, he took up an internet course at the age of 79!

But the best thing my grandad ever did...

He had a coalfire and a coalshed in the garden. My grandad grabs the shovel and fetches the coal. Casually walks upstairs and deposits said coal in the toilet. He deserves a woo just for that!!!
(Kayozz, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 4:08, Reply)

My ol' nan
used to call pizza's , pissers. This caused me much embarassment as a child in the frozen food section in Safeway. I was a fussy kid but i did like those "pissers"
(ian_beale_haircut, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 3:43, Reply)

Mixed up words
Mum asked for someone to pass her a "fork and knife" one lunchtime and then wondered why we all cracked up.
(Gordon Shumway, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 3:15, Reply)

Aunty Mary
...used to drive a truck for Corona (the soft drinks company, not the beer people) just after 'ver worwah' as she'd say.

Over a bumpy road, the corks would start to pop out of the bottles and clonk against the back of the cab so mary would speed up, assuming she was being shot to bits by 'germs in hairyplanes' (who had already given up a few years earlier and were never really interested in Poole anyway). Needless to say, the popping of the corks got faster as she floored it and faster still as she started to panic. By the time she hit the police car she was convinced that 'It' had all started again and demanded that the whiplashed constable 'called for the AWP before somebody got killed'...
(tommykneecaps, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 2:36, Reply)

dent in head due to war
My friend's dad was rather 'odd' due to a head injury - we were always told it was a bit of 'shrapnel in his head from the war.'

He, too had various 'foibles'.

For example - he would always do the dishes after dinner. We all had to be out of the kitchen at this point, and he would boil the kettle (wouldn't let them turn on the hot water taps throughout the house) and put on his white boiler suit. For some reason he only felt ready for domestic chores when wearing his boiler suit - he had about four of them, with various patches and holes.

My friend and his brother were on the dole for some time, and their dad would chuck them out of the house from 8am til 5 pm, and under no circumstances were they to return until they'd found a job. Said friend returned one day as it was snowing, and he had no gloves - which were promptly handed OUT of the letterbox by his father.

My friend (when still living at home) was leaning over one day to put a video in, and his dad noticed he had a pair of HIS underpants on. Dad freaked and made him go upstairs and take them off. Friend entered kitchen half an hour later and found dad boiling them in a saucepan on top of the cooker, and stirring with a wooden spoon.....

Should I go on.........?
(smellydrain, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 1:38, Reply)

Dad Speak
Certificate = Cesstifficut
You are a well behaved Person = Goodly Lad
DVD ROM = Special CD, (an offshoot from CD's being mini discs/records)

The most stupid though

DSL Modem = Hurdy Gurdy,

I have threatened both of my parents with the old folks home, if they dont sort their grasp of english out
(Monkeh_Nutz, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 1:24, Reply)

My parents are really annoying
because they can't be bothered to pronounce anything properly. My dad calls asparagus "sparagrass", he's always asking me if I have a "Pilate" in the morning, as opposed to Pilates cless.

My mother is worse, she says Italian "eyetalian", and I ask her if those people come from Eyetaly, but she doesn't get it. She can't say "Barenaked Ladies", it comes out "Barelaked Nadies", and she has altered many common sayings, to come up with things such as "Useless as tits on a board." She also says if you eat undercooked meat you'll get "ibby-die-dibby", whatever that is. For years as a child, I thought that was a real disease.
(ghettobooty, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 1:10, Reply)

sp3ccylad's gran
The song "All by yourself in the Moonlight" was released on Electric Shocks by Roger Ruskin-Spear... I should know Ive got it!!
(wibblefish, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 0:20, Reply)

Well...
These are ever so slightly off topic, but funny all the same.

A few years ago, we decided to watch The Matrix with my nan. All the way through we got a load of questions asking "Whos he?" "Is he a goodie?" "Whats going on?" And, throughout the film, someone kept playing with the volume on the remote. So, at the end of the film I turn to my nan to ask what she thought.

"It was ok," she said, still looking a bit confused. "But what was that green bar that kept appearing at the bottom? Was that the score?"

".....no nan. That was the volume display."

But did it stop there? No.

One time, I went into the kitchen to find her staring at a glass that was (supposedly) whiskey and lemonade. Instead of a clear liquid, it was filled with a white frothy substance. She swore blind she had only poured in whiskey and lemonade and, to prove it, took a sip...

....then spat it straight into the sink. Turns out she'd mistaken a bottle of Dettol for her whiskey.

So......yeah. My nan.

Carry on.
(bansaku, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 23:19, Reply)

My gran (bless her soul)
had the misfortune to come into the living room as I was listening to Front242.

"That's the devil's music that," she said, "you'll go to hell for that." She sat down and continued to read where she had left off in her Stephen King novel.....

As she got older, she got a bit more racist. One day, whilst watching the news, there was a film report from some poor country where they had had another coup, and people were shown being shot.

"That's what happens when you give w*gs guns," she said without even looking up from her copy of Das Kapital (she was a staunch party member).

Just before she died, she had a major heart attack and was taken into hospital. We took her in the newspapers so she could have a gripe about something. Whilst she was reading, she started yelling, "That's what's destroying the ozone layer, all these bloody Americans and their rockets." When asked to show us how, she replied, "Look here, those bloody rockets they keep launching into space. They've got to be the cause. Sending them sharp metal pricks into space must be bursting the air at the top of the atmosphere like a bubble." Class.
( groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 23:17, Reply)

friends gran
as well all sat digesting christmas dinner blurted out

"If I'd known about oral sex before I got married, I'd have never gotten married"

My own gran used to call the porta-a-loo in our caravan the 'Chemi-khazi'. which is genious
(lankygingerfool, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 23:03, Reply)

My Grandmother. Mother's side. Barmy.
1) Favourite song?

"Makes no sense/Sitting on a fence/All by yourself in the moonlight.../Aint it a farce/Sittin' on yer---"
My grandad would permit no further progress.
No, I've never seen a commercial release for that song either. Shame.

She would also break into a chorus of "Ever seen a bird shit a turd/and he can't get his traaaaahsers daaahn" for no apparent reason.

2) Favourite maxim?

"You don't look at the mantlepiece when you're poking the fire"

3) Best odd moment...

Grandma: You courting yet?
Little Sister: No.
Grandma: I'm not surprised: you ain't got very big tits.
Little Sister went into catatonic trance for several minutes.

4) Grandma's wisdom.

On noting that my mother was trying to learn French:
"Can't beat your own language, can you?"
Actually, she had a point there.

5) I shouldn't laugh, but...

She once spent several weeks mistaking plastic stapled for extra insulation onto the inside of the wooden window frame for fog. She remarked how quickly it had cleared up when she got downstairs. Every day. For a month.

6) Just puzzling.

In her later years, she used to introduce me to her friends in Bourne as "Doug. Brian's son." For the record, I'm neither, although there's an element of truth there. Bless.

7) Grandma's greatest achievement

She told ghost stories to my sister when she went to stay with her and scared her half to death. That woman grew up and raised a b3tan. I feel there is a connection.

Ajtag, we salute you.
( sp3ccylad carries on breathing all the way up to, say, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 22:32, Reply)

My wifes Nan...
...was talking to her aunty (who ran a pub at the time) and her aunty was telling her Nan about the security system that pubs in the area have, where if a troublemaker is identified it gets sent around to all the pubs so that none of them let the bastard in.

She replied with "Ooh, its like MFI."

We can only assume she meant "FBI". Or "CSI" perhaps, we're not sure.
( GazChap, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 22:24, Reply)

my grandma
called toilet rolls "rolls for the lavvy" in a scottish accent, very funny
( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 21:51, Reply)

My Nan
was a lesbian... and, from what i have heard, may be the same lesbian that Scaryduck was talking about.
(underachiever, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 21:49, Reply)

My mum says that Rez by Underworld
is like chinese torture
(unkle77 Click sig for totally ambient tunes!, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 21:41, Reply)

My mum's only 53... but still a bit odd in the head...
She frequently gets our names wrong (I have 5 siblings), and introduces us as Son number 3, or child four...
The remote control is called a flick-a-dick...
She doesn't finish sentances half the time, she just trails off and goes quiet or gets distracted by something... Then you have to remind her to finish...
She forgets words of things, and just gives a blank look as if we know what she's talking about...

And various other things I forget right now... I have the same short-memory as her (unlike my grandad (or gandy, as my big sister couldn't say grandad), who can remember _everything_ )
(Fido Dido, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 21:34, Reply)

Gladly,
My cross-eyed bear....

???
( ArthurTheRat, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 21:34, Reply)

To my Granny
Quorn is 'squawk'. How inappropriate.
(fooki girl, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 21:29, Reply)

I grew up in the Midlands.
My local pub was a short journey from the M5...a useful stop off for birmingham bound coaches returning from Weston Super Mud, rammed full of wrinklies.

A mate and I were enjoying the early evening sunshine with a refreshing pint or two of wifebeater when the latest band of incontinent mayhem arrived.

2 ancient reprobates, obviously in need of a pint or piss more than the rest, were well ahead of the rest. As they past us we overheard one say to the other "I da 'arf fancy tha one with white hair."

Oh! how we laughed.
( Attila the Bun is not in a right cunt of a mood, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 21:25, Reply)

Memory
I think my nans memory may be deteriorating. The 'Bur' part of the lighted letters outside Burgerking doesn't work, and every time we pass it with her she always says 'hehe, it says gerking... gerkin... y'see?' and then wanders off to Oxfam laughing like a loon

every time. bah.
(MuffinGirl, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 21:17, Reply)

You got it your way at BK
Last summer I went to visit my nan and my aunt in Ross-on-Wye. For Lunch they thought it would be nice to take me to Burger King (because that's where young people go). My aunt went to find a table while me and nan went up to order. "I'd like a beefburger please", said my nan - a 5ft tall petite old northern lass with a constantly apprehensive expression. The guy behind the counter tapped into his till and leant down into his microphone to call for a hamburger. It was at this point that my nan, convinced he'd got her order wrong, almost climbed over the counter and burst out "oh no, i'd really rather have beef!"
(X, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 20:58, Reply)

oooooo grandmommy!!!
it was july 4th and somebody set off some fireworks and my grandmother was doing god knows what......and anyways.....the fireworks specifically went "crash pop pop pop boom cazow!" and she started yelling and ducking for cover about "the men with the guns are coming!!"and ducked under the couch.......(i wonder if she is hiding something from me.......maybe she was a secret spy?
(spazzinout74, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 20:41, Reply)

I just remembered
that I also did work experience on a ward in a hospital populated purely by recovering old people.
One of them told me "to go and hang myself", later on I twigged that she could read a little bit (the staff thought she couldn't)so I went and read the paper with her. She pointed to a picture of Margaret Thatcher and informed me that she knew her, that they had worked in the mill together and and that she was a hard worker. She also pointed to a Waitrose advert and said that she had also known "Waitress Rose".
( 100% kitten better than ever, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 20:32, Reply)

My Nanna is seriously entertaining
One day, a couple of years ago, she was out shopping with my Dad and my brother. They had gone into a computer shop, because my brother wanted one of those steering wheels for his Playstation, you know the ones that shake when you drive over bumps and stuff. So the shop assistant is there demonstrating this, and then my Nanna has a go.

"Ooh! It's just like holding a vibrator!"

The poor shop assistant didn't know quite how to react...
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 20:30, Reply)