Since we're talking of advice and of music
a reply by the Supreme Crow taking us to this comic reminded me of an incident from about a year ago.

Like most of us, I own an mp3 player. I dumped everything from Windows Media Player onto it when I first got it and carried it with me to work. All was great- it went from Pink Floyd to Herbie Hancock to Led Zeppelin and I was quite happy.

Just one little hitch.

See, some years back when I was separated from the Bagwitch she was in the habit of leaving really unpleasant messages on my answering machine if I didn't happen to respond to her paging me. (Translation: I often returned to recordings of harpy screeches.) One day I played back a particularly angry one and decided to keep it for posterity, in case I needed it in court or wanted to play it back for the family counselor we were seeing at the time. So I opened up Goldwave, initialized an mp3 file, put the computer mic next to the answering machine and recorded it. Then I filed the mp3 away and left it there.

Unfortunately WMP scans your entire hard drive for sound files and puts them all into the library.

So here I am at the office wearing my headphones as I work on a CAD drawing, the last chords of a Sass Jordan song still ringing in my ears, when my ex wife's voice shrieks at me. "It's 5:00 on Sunday night and I haven't heard anything from you since Thursday! You said that you would answer your pager and be available to us! Where the fuck are you? WE NEED YOU! YOUR CHILDREN NEED YOU! When you get this message you'd better get your ass over here!"

My co-workers tell me I turned dead white as I tore the headphones from my ears and sat there, pale and sweaty, for a good twenty minutes with an expression of abject horror etched onto my face. For a fact my heart damn near seized and it was an hour before my hands stopped trembling.

My advice? DON'T TRUST WINDOWS MEDIA PLAYER. It's an eeevil program that will cause you to soil yourself at the worst possible moment.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 17:55, 14 replies)

advice from spimf (fairly elderly)
can the B3ta gods please take note of the paypal receipt details i have mailed to both rob and cal and give me a bleeding icon before i go completely turbo

*fixes glare at edit profile*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 17:35, 6 replies)

Many years ago when I was at Uni for the first time
I was a Brown Owl. Stop laughing at the back there...I'm being honest with you lot!

For those of you who don't know a Brown Owl is an adult leader in the Girl Guides Association and they run Brownie Packs - groups of girls from the age of 7 or 8 up to about 10.

Every year Brownie Packs go off on Pack Holiday - now it tends to be camping out somewhere, but back then it was all indoors - generally staying in either an activity centre or more likely a church hall somewhere.

We decided to go off to a church hall in wonderful exotic Cliftonville.

Cliftonville is on the outskirts of Margate.

Anyway, one of the other adult leaders was a lovely lady from Texas. When she wasn't with the Brownies she was a highly qualified nurse - in fact she did and still does lecture at one of the local universities and teaching hospitals.

She was our first-aider and gave me this extremely good piece of advice...

Whenever you can sit down and if it's possible, lie down.

So, back to the Pack Holiday...

Following this advice and general GGA guidelines, we always had a quiet period after lunch. The Brownies could either lie on their beds sleeping or reading a book and the adults would do likewise.
When you're in charge of thirty pre-pubescent girls a bit of peace during the day is a god-send.

Two days before the end of the holiday I was feeling a bit tired and when it came to the quiet period I went to have my rest.

Unfortunately as well as feeling tired I also developed a whopping headache and a dislike of bright lights....

To cut a rather long and rambling story short, the Texan lady suspected meningitis and here I was amongst all these kids.

Oh dear.

I was bundled into her car and driven off at speed to a hospital where I was rushed into A&E.

When you're on a trolley waiting to see a doctor they won't let you get off to go for a pee.

Have you ever tried squatting to pee into what looks like a takeaway box while on a table and a stranger holds your arm so you don't fall off ?

It's like surfing, but with only slightly less water, more danger and infinitely more chance of looking a fool.

Men, you don't know how lucky you are sometimes.

When the doctor came into see me he was very, very good looking.

And as he poked and prodded my stomach I broke wind rather loudly.

Not on purpose.

I was finally taken up to an observation ward where I stayed for the night. I can't say I slept at all because on one side of me there was a poor old soul who was deaf and dumb, had no one to understand her and she was very distressed. On the other side was another elderly lady who either had a nasty lung infection or a bad cough - I had to stop myself from shouting out to her, "For god's sake! Cough it up and spit it out!" But I suspect 'it' may have been her lung.

What has all this to do with the advice?

The following morning all the blood results were back and the doctor decided I hadn't got meningitis at all.

No. I was suffering from exhaustion.

His advice?

Sit down or lie down more.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 17:34, 12 replies)

Indulge yourself occasionally
my mum always told me (no, not that kind of self-indulgence!).

Today, my kids are at friends' houses for tea, my beloved is on late shift, so I have the whole place to myself. The telly's off, the house is tidy, and I was beginning to feel a bit peckish.

Did I potter around in the kitchen, preparing a healthy yet tasty meal for one? Did I buggery.

I had the hugest bowl of cornflakes. With about half a pint of ice cold milk. Yum. Washed down with a coffee, itself accompanied by a chocolate brownie. By god, I enjoyed that!

Thanks for the tip, mum.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 17:08, 14 replies)

When I were a wee nipper...
I was walking down the street and saw an old man furiously fwapping off into a magazine in a shady corner. When he saw me, he jumped a mile, dropped the mag and ran off into the distance. I picked up said publication and was disgusted to find it contained pictures of Downs Syndrome sufferers in compromising poses. Despite the disgusting nature of the material, I had to admire the lighting and composure of the shots. I took the magazine home and still have it to this day.

That was the best tard vice I ever got from an old person.

*runs*
(jothemofo, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 17:03, Reply)

My old dad
"Never trust a dog with a curly tail"
and the infamous in my house: " Never trust huckleberry "

Who huckleberry is, I have no idea, but im to never trust him.
(KoJ, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 17:03, 2 replies)

Pooflake is older than me
and based on his past QOTW answers, I reckon he'd have some good advice.

Pooflake, where in the shuddering fuck are you?
( chart cat has an itch, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:58, 9 replies)

I've been trying all week
to think of advice I've been given, but it seems I've managed to get myself here without any.

This explains a lot.

The only thing that springs to mind right now is the advice "Never eat yellow snow". Apparently, according to a certain ex of mine, she never understood that advice when she was younger, as the yellow snow tasted better.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:50, Reply)

I'm sort of old
I no longer qualify for a young person's railcard and I'm starting to hate most new music (all these emo bands sound the same, don'tcha know?) so I guess that puts me on the road to fogiedom.

In my life to date I have been mystified by many things. I think, though, that these mysteries have a common thread leading to their explanation.

Some of these mysteries include:

* Why people are terrified of paedophiles but not worried about driving their 3 tonne 4x4 at 45mph along a residential road.
* Vernon Kaye's career.
* Why people can't grasp the most basic ideas of computing and act as if its witchcraft.
* Reality TV.
* The fact that 20% of people are planning their lives around the zodiac.
* Scientology.
* People who moan about property prices and then furiously oppose any residential development within 10 miles of their house.
* Why, when presented with two escalators, one with people on it and one without, people will jam themselves onto the occupied one rather than be 'different' and and use the empty one (Next time you're on the tube off-peak watch this. I swear its true).
* Why people reply to spam (if people didn't no-one would bother sending it, so someone must be).
* Ditto 419 scams and people who buy £2 "Gibson" guitars off ebay from china with £400 postage and act surprised that they've been scammed.
* People who believe in homoeopathy.
* People who watch, or, worse, agree to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show.
* People who took out 110% mortgages whilst being on benefits "to get on the property ladder".

You'll be glad to hear that I think I've figured out the common denominator for this whirlwind of weirdness, and it's this:

People are fucking stupid.

Not all people of course, the rest are *really* fucking stupid.

I'm with Charlie Brooker:
"I hate people. What's their appeal, exactly? They bumble around with their haircuts on, cluttering up the pavement like so many gormless, farting skittles. They're awful."
(Axeman Jim, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:49, 12 replies)

Rape a Badger
I just offered this as advice to somebody down in the dumps.

The dirty fucks love the idea.

Its all the snarling and razor sharp teeth that does it. Coax them out with a plate of mashed potato stuffed with Rohypnol, and make sure he's licked the plate clean otherwise he will tear you a new one. Vicious ain't the word, he will fuck you up big time. They don't like it you see.. Bodger is on the Badger FBI most wanted list for fisting Badgers.

Its all true.
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:41, 1 reply)

Random bus bloke
"Don't bother with girls, I say. Guys know what guys want, y'know? They're more in sync."

I would have responded but I was distracted by his nose. It was huge. He then asked me where I was getting off and made a rather shit effort to follow me him.

Protip: Old people can't run.
( Tamashii the other beige meat., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:33, 1 reply)

I could do with a bit of advice today
I'm feeling terribly depressed with work and life.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:27, 104 replies)

When in Rome..Do as the Romans do
WTF ?

I've never been to Rome. I hear its a lovely place. I can only guess what its like from watching Ben Hur at Easter.

So my conclusion is:

1) always wear a toga
2) Buy a horse drawn charriot
3) Crucify anyone with a beard and long hair.
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:23, 2 replies)

Advice and other imaginative titles
Best advice I've ever heard is the following peach which came from me mam*: "Don't listen to advice"

Oh, and she also correctly pointed out that the key to success at work is just to keep turning up.

She's not all sweetness and light mind you, as when left unsupervised she occasionally buys the Daily Mail. She claims it's just her age. I reckon it's because she's a Nazi.

(* Don't judge me regards "me mam". I'm from Teesside and our vowels come out of the side of the mouth. That's just how it's pronounced)
(yearsofpractice, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:13, 1 reply)

Advice my current self would give to my younger self.
My early teens:
The reason you get picked on on the school bus is because you over-react to being teased. Take a step back and look at the problem objectively. In fact, look at your whole life objectively. Remember, your perception of the world is shaped by your thoughts. If you believe this, you will start thinking more positively and adopt a more positive attitude to life. And don't worry; you will eventually lose your virginity.

My final years of school:
Be yourself. If you don't know what sort of person you are, find out by trying new things and talking to more people so that you know how to be yourself. Telling people about your achievements does not make you an egomaniac. Also, being shy is not all bad news - you had more time to get to know yourself and your uniqueness has had extra shielding from peer-pressure. And don't worry; you will eventually lose your virginity.

On entering University:
It's a good thing that you're keen on expanding your interests, meeting new people and broadening your mind, but just don't be feeling insecure about missing an opportunity to go out drinking with your shiny new friends. If you've got work to hand in, don't leave it to the last minute in case your insecurity about missing a night out gets to you. University is a good place to ditch your shyness, just don't try too hard - there's so many opportunities that you don't have to try and take each and every one. And don't worry; you will eventually lose your virginity.

While waiting for my first job:
Be persistent. Keep learning new things relevant for the job. Keep sending off job applications, going to interviews and learning. Wash, rinse, repeat. It's what you want to do so don't lose focus. And don't worry; you will eventually lose your virginity.

On getting my first job:
OK. So you've been given the job. There's no need to keep showing off. Yes, selling yourself to employers is a massive mind-fuck, but now you've started, just get on with the job. Chill out and don't scare your new work-colleagues down the pub. Try not to take your employment for granted - you're paid to do work, not be part of the 'posse'. And don't worry; you will eventually lose your virginity.

On getting my second job:
It's good that you're aware you'll scare your new work colleagues with your enthusiasm and that you're toning yourself down, but don't expect to be accepted into the 'fold' immediately. Be patient and you'll feel more relaxed with everyone, otherwise, you'll be defined as ‘quiet’, which will stick with you. And don't worry; you will eventually lose your virginity.

The morning of the day I lost my virginity:
Don't have a wank this morning and don't get too wankered tonight.

Length? Couldn't get it up at first.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:08, 5 replies)

Take note...
If the very lovely AND POLITE lady you've been speaking to at the big important bank office place puts you on hold. Don't call her a "fucking retard" because, chances are she can hear you.
She will then tell you that she can hear you and will shout at you and tell you you a very rude man.
Then she'll cut you off and everytime you call back she'll cut you off again. Then she'll probably put the kettle on and go back to looking at pictures of kittens.
( wanderlust, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:46, 36 replies)

The WORST advice anyone could ever give me
Would begin with the phrase "If I were you, I would..."

Doesn't matter what the advice would be after that, I will have officially stopped listening to you at that point and would be fixing you with a scowl that would shrivel the bollocks / tits off you (delete as appropriate) in an instant.

Honestly. give me advice, sure, but don't presume that you would act in a certain way 'if you were me'. If you were me, you would be subject to my thought processes and therefore be acting in a predetermined manner according to the circumstance with which I was faced.

Therefore, you'd be me, scowling at you, for making a half arsed assumption about how you would act if you were me, whilst simultaneously wishing you would fuck off.

Then your tits / bollocks would shrivel and fall off.

Does this make sense to anyone? I think I got a bit lost there...

Aplogies for the slight pearoast there, too
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:45, 14 replies)

Don't touch that...

...is the worst advice you can give anyone under the mental age of 30.

They will end up electricuted, bleeding, missing digits, setting off alarms, upsetting farmyard animals, making little Rosie cry, catching syphillis or with poo on their finger.


*some of these may or may not have occured to me*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:32, 3 replies)

Not really an old person
...but an older person who used to frequent one of the pubs I used to work at:

- Always take a dump when you're at work, you're getting paid for it

- Never trust a woman who's shoulders are wider than her hips

Apologies for lameness, but I'm a serial lurker and had to share my words of wisdom.
(Lilvixen Feel the power of my fusion lick, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:30, 3 replies)

Words to guide your journey
When I was about 14 years old, my mother pulled me aside and sat me down. I kind of had the feeling it was going to be that birds and bees conversation so I was a bit nervous at first but she relaxed me with a smile...and then slowly, she began to speak:

"about the sex thing sweety..."
I nodded for her to go on...
"its just something your going to have to do."

Thanks mom, its moments like these that last a life time.
(Jenna Tayliah, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:15, 2 replies)

Apologies for the length
but I couldn't agree more with the advice bestowed by Scroobius Pip in 'Thou shalt always kill'. Its pretty much my song of the decade.


Thou shalt not steal if there is direct victim.
Thou shalt not worship pop idols or follow lost prophets.
Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Decker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix or Syd Barret in vain.
Thou shalt not think that any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a paedophile… Some people are just nice.
Thou shalt not read NME.
Thall shalt not stop liking a band just because they’ve become popular.
Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.
Thou shalt not judge a book by it’s cover.
Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover.
Thall shalt not buy Coca-Cola products. Thou shalt not buy Nestle products.
Thou shalt not go into the woods with your boyfriend’s best friend, take drugs and cheat on him.
Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.
Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls’ pants. Use it to get into their heads.
Thou shalt not watch Hollyoaks.
Thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave as soon as you’re done just because you’ve finished your sh*tty little poem or song you self-righteous pr*ck.
Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar week in, week out just ’cause you once saw a girl there that you fancied but you’re never gonna f*cking talk to.

Thou shalt not put musicians and recording artists on ridiculous pedestals no matter how great they are or were.

The Beatles - Were just a band.
Led Zepplin - Just a band.
The Beach Boys - Just a band.
The Sex Pistols - Just a band.
The Clash - Just a band.
Crass - Just a band.
Minor Threat - Just a band.
The Cure - Just a band.
The Smiths - Just a band.
Nirvana - Just a band.
The Pixies - Just a band.
Oasis - Just a band.
Radiohead - Just a band.
Bloc Party - Just a band.
The Arctic Monkeys - Just a band.
The next big thing - JUST A BAND.

Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-English speaking countries as to those that occur in English speaking countries.
Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the four elements and never will be.

Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music

Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music

Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music

Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music

Thou shalt not pimp my ride.
Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster.
Thou shalt not move to the sound of the wickedness.
Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit.
When I say “Hey” thou shalt not say “Ho”.
When I say “Hip” thou shalt not say “Hop”.
When I say “he say, she say, we say, make some noise” - kill me.
Thou shalt not quote me happy.
Thou shalt not shake it like a polaroid picture.
Thou shalt not wish your girlfriend was a freak like me.
Thou shalt spell the word “Pheonix” P-H-E-O-N-I-X not P-H-O-E-N-I-X, regardless of what the Oxford English Dictionary tells you.
Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Bradley at the club last night by saying “Is it”.
Thou shalt think for yourselves.
(Errorist, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:13, 86 replies)

If You Have Kids
.
Vaseline makes a really good sex aid.

Smear it on the door handle to stop the little bastards coming in at the wrong moment.


Cheers

Only works on round door handles. Fit them.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:06, Reply)

a few, but some of my favourites include:
"always do what you believe in, not what others tell you to believe" - led to years in research

"better to be right and provably right, than popular" (that's served me well into a lot of social faux pas)

"if you're motives are pure, and your heart true, its easier to obtain forgiveness than permission"

"never forget Edmund, you're a Scot, your ancestors were Vikings" - has led me to depths of despond when looking at my ginger and blondeness. Tempted to use this excuse if I ever go mental with a battleaxe

"never trust a cat"

"never trust anyone who doesn't like labradors or retrievers"

"poodles? Wtf?"
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:05, 1 reply)

not advice i felt like folowing
while i was working in a factory last summer one of the guys (he was older than me so i think it counts) there told me that when i went back to sheffield for uni i should go out and pull a fat bird, according to him they are always nice to you the next morning and they are always grateful because they dont know where their next shag will come from
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:57, 5 replies)

Here's some advice, direct from me to you.
Don't taste brown puddles under the fridge.

Don't fry chips in fairy liquid.

Don't put dirty crockery in the laundry basket when drunk, then forget you've done it and let someone else do your laundry. They won't like it. Nor will the washing machine.

Always - no,never stand on a swivelly chair to change a lightbulb.

Don't use a carving knife to cut up lemons when making your fifth gin and tonic.

Never poke your tongue out at a policeman.

Never use paprika where the recipe calls for cinnamon.

If you own a 16-inch peppermill, don't talk about it in public. Even if it really is a 16-inch peppermill and not an enormous cock

Don't eat gravy and icecream at the same time.

And finally...gentlemen, here's one for you - don't spluff on navy blue velvet.

semen is such a persistent stain...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:45, 26 replies)

I Remember Now!
When I was a young boy, my father, took me into the city to see a marching band.

He said "Son, we you grow up, would you be the saviour of the broken, the beaten, and the damned?"
He also said "Will you defeat them, your demons, and all the non-believers, the plans that they have made? Because one day, I'll leave you, a phantom, to lead you in the summer, to join the black parade."

I said "What the fuck you on about you old bastard!? Those are just song lyrics by an Emo band! Be quiet or you'll go back to the care home without ice cream!"



...gets coat, runs for life.
(ShaunyBoi has been surviving fires since, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:45, Reply)

This question is making me emotional...
for I am a sap, and it's making me think of my granny.

Some other advice that she told me, that I've always remembered (because I'm a sap...)

"If you love someone, you will move heaven and earth to be with them. If they want to move to Antarctica, you buy a warm coat, and move. And you should know that they would do the exact same thing for you, in less time that it takes for your heart to beat. You don’t marry the one you can live with. You marry the one you can’t live without."

*goes off to do something less sappy. Like beat a tiger to death with my bare fists*
(The Oncoming Storm, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:07, 4 replies)

Ok not particularly old....
One of my best friends always used to say to me, "When you haven't got that much time left, you just have to keep things simple". This was a day when she sat me down and told me she had terminal cancer and I cried my eyes out. She was actually refering to us going out and just having fun. But she applied it to all areas and it really worked for her.

Oh and that day we simply donned a couple of her wigs, went to the pub and got thoroughly bladdered because she was trying to cheer ME up.

She was an old soul, in a young body which unfortunately gave out at the age of 32, I read her eulogy at her funeral last week.
(GirlOfTheWorld, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:03, 9 replies)

One from the elderly relatives
"Lang may yer lum reek."

Littoral translation;
"Long may your chimney smoke."

It took me ages to get this, and then one day it hit me. It's wishing you long life and wealth!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:01, Reply)