Assumption is the mother of all fuckups.
Picture the scene.

In a grotty pub called The Station House in Chingford North London I am very drunk. This is not particularly unusual. Most of my friends have disappeared to various corners or headed home after a long evening.

I'm leaning dangerously on the bar when I strike a conversation with a young lady. Drinks are purchased and somehow I convince her to come back to my place.

As we are getting all hot and heavy I decide that things need a little helping hand and so delve into my bedside drawer to find some lube. Scrabbling round in the dark my sweaty mitts clamp down upon a metallic squeeze tube. I apply a liberal amount to my Johnson and plough away.

After about thirty seconds I feel a strange tingling sensation on my hands. Knowing that it was the Durex tingle lubricant that I had purchased I was not duly alarmed by this and as the young lady appeared to be thoroughly enjoying herself I continued.

After about two minutes of her panting becoming steadily more erratic and breathless she began to complain of a burning sensation. Thirty second later and a sentence is uttered that will go to my grave with me.

"fuck me my cunts burning". she dives off me and asks where the shower is. I show her and leave her to attempt to cool her throbbing loins.

At this moment, having flicked on my bedroom light, I realise the problem. In my haste I had forgotten that I kept a small tube of deep heat in my bedside drawer for use the morning after a rugby match.

Suffice to say in my drunken state I had just used deep heat as lube.

The poor girl in the shower was no in tears and borderline hysterical. I phoned NHS direct and asked what I should do and they said that a trip to A and E may be advisible. Unable to drive the lady told me to call 999.

Having loaded a stricken, half naked hysterical girl into his ambulace the Paramedic asked me to explain just how the injuries happened. I explained to him and he laughed so hard he went purple and I thought I would have to call an ambulance for him. I had to fetch him a glass of water before he could drive. off.

I did offer to accompany her to the hospital but she'd already called her mum to meet her there and didn't think it would be a good idea.

I did call to apologise a couple of times but she never came back to me.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 18:40, 5 replies)

sex lies of a virgin

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 15 Mar 2014, 8:52, closed)

Yeah that's not how deep heat works at all though is it

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 15 Mar 2014, 9:10, closed)

I think it's safe to conclude from this story that he's never touched deep heat, lube, or a woman.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 15 Mar 2014, 9:21, closed)

Or, alternatively, if this is true, the fact that his cock wasn't also on fire suggests he was wearing a condom,
and therefore has no idea how to please a woman because those motherfuckers are already lubed up, so she must have been dry as a bone.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 15 Mar 2014, 11:07, closed)

She might have been in her sixties.
Or ... you know ... a figment of a virgin's imagination.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 15 Mar 2014, 11:11, closed)