Poor Hammy
One summer our cat Tibby came rushing into the garden with something orange in its mouth. WTF we thought, so we followed it. We cornered it under a trailer in the front garden. Turns out she had caught a hamster somehow. Then we see a little kid and his slightly older sister coming up the road in absolute tears. I guess you can put two and two together. My Mum had to compensate them with a few quid. Not a funny story really just distressing.
(Cossack, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 17:00, Reply)

Fatdog and Adventure Ears, Part 8.
I've mentioned Fatdog before, but not said a lot about her. Here she is, lying on her back:



She's a rescue dog, so I really know nothing of her history or ancestry. The best guess is that she's about 5 or 6 years old- but as she is an escape artist, she ended up at the pound.

I think she's part corgi, as she has the build of one- barrel body, stubby legs- but she has a rather short, square, rather bovine snout. She makes little grunting/whining sounds when she wants something, and is not at all shy about wanting to get in your lap, where she lays like a 30 lb. fur-coated turd.

She is also somewhat demanding of attention, and will sulk if she doesn't get it. If she's lying turd-like in your lap and you don't rub her, she'll swat at you with her paw and grunt until you do. I have concluded that she's the reincarnation of some Russian dowager...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 13 Jun 2007, 16:32, Reply)

i have
two dogs.
they seem to somehow represent both sides of my personality.

there is the older, grumpier one called Zack. he walks around like he is terminally depressed and looks up to you like you just kicked him in the face. he doesnt get that many hugs and strokes anymore though because therrrres....
ARTHUR! he is the epitomy of insanity in dog-form. if he has been out for a walk and it's raining, or if he's had a bath he will run around like a feckin nutter trying to itch his back on the floor (which makes it look like he's trying to walk upside down). sometimes he gets so excited about the fact that he's outside he will literally run around in a giant circle around you until you go back inside or something interesting like a bird in the sky he thinks he can chase turns up. whichever is first.

anywho... those are my dogs.

probably not *that* strange...
however Arther has a habit of face-raping Zack whilst the latter is sitting down minding his own business, probably thinking about how everyone sucks and wishing they'd invent eyeliner for dogs and such.
what with Arthur being so ireedemably retardly stupid i can just imagine the dog-versation (see what i did there =D) going something like this...
A:
HAHA! this is FUN!
Z:
Get Off! i'm. not. gay!
A:
HAHA! What's gay?

so yea. a gay, mentalist jack russell on speed (probably) and a melancholy emo jack russell who's apparent only highlight of the day is walkies(or even just the mention of), where he will bark louder than you thought possible for a dog so small
who has cancer now :( i hope i see him again before i go off to art college
(quibble, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 16:17, Reply)

My mate, Karl, has a dog called Jess
Jess only has 3 legs, but that doesn't stop her from doing much. For a start, I've never seen an ordinary dog climb or descend stairs as quickly as Jess... I mean she practically glides down the stairs no problem. She's also one of the loudest dogs I've ever met, never shuts up and makes a whole range of interesting doggy noises. The dog is also solid as fuck, Karl and his mate Tatty Wii can just sit in the garden and toss twigs, little stones and other things at Jess and she loves it. Moreover, her poos are as solid as she is!

Jess is a lovely dog and likes to be around people a lot, so much that if she can't, she'll happily nestle up to someone's shoes so she can get a nice little scent of humans.
( Flowers the little boy that santa claus forgot, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 16:12, Reply)

Kitty cam...
I once knew a girl who's cat was fascinated by her computer webcam, sometimes though it was quite irritating....


(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 16:12, Reply)

kittens LOL

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 15:58, Reply)

Special slippers
My cat lived a life of luxury and was obviously grateful so decided to thank my Dad for the food, love and affection by presenting him with a trophy.

"Socks" (black cat, white feet) went out and caught a rat. Yup a flipping rat (that's Urban areas for you!).

Trouble was by the time he got it home everybody was in bed, so kitty placed the rat beside the bed for Dad to admire in the morning.

Dawn comes and Dad wearily sits up in bed, places his feet on the floor and being rather short sighted tried to slip his feet into his slippers that resided beside the bed. One. Two... no, two... No, why won't my foot go in the slipper he's thinking. Switches on bedside lamp to discover 3 slippers... one slightly more solid than the others. As a 7 year old I'd never heard a grown man scream in terror.

I guess if you've just woken up trying to stuff your foot into a dead rat isn't the ideal start to your day! LOL.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 15:54, Reply)

This is Pixel


We're picking him/her up in about 3 hours time! :D
( Weetobix, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 15:50, Reply)

Genghis
My cat Genghis is amongst the most stupid animals on the planet, typified by a recent trip to the vets.

She had a big lump on the side of her throat, and wasn't eating very much, so we took her to our local vetinary surgery. Getting her in the cage was surprisingly easy, so we realised she must be really ill. After a course of antibiotics, the lump was still there, so the vet decided to operate.

And removed a two inch needle from her throat, with attached thread.

What a moron! At what point did she think, "Ow, this thing I'm trying to eat is really hurting my mouth. I'd better swallow it, quick!".

Bah!
(Rotten_Cointreau is a proper scientician, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 15:45, Reply)

Degus
We own two degus - which for a while were quite popular, but most people still havent got the first clue as to what they are. They seemed sweet and innocent at the time, looking like a cross between a gerbil and a chinchilla.

However, the sweetness was lost very soon afterwards when we found out what they were really like. The (two brothers) seem to have an obsession with anal, incestual rape. All the time. They've also taken to only doing a poo when one of them is in their wheel, running full pelt, and the other one is above, dropping pellets of feces on top of the wheel, to fling them from the cage. This primitive poo cannon has led to poo in the TV, poo in peoples shoes, and poo in drinks and food. The little sods.

The worst they've behaved is recently when I was cleaning out their cage. As I was standing trying to fix their little house, they both came and sat on my feet - one on each, and looked up at me. Looking down, I decided not to move as it was too cute a moment to miss. However, I moved pretty bloody quickly when I realised they weren't merely sitting there, but weeing - no, Synchronised weeing on both of my feet. So I was left stranded with two mental rodents running about and two soaking feet, covered in the most disgusting smelling wee you could imagine.

Little arses.
(Ant Marching And for my next trick... GWARGGHHGWWGGGH!, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 15:39, Reply)

Dopey Dove
When my sisters and I were a lot younger, a dove hit the window of our dining room, giving itself some kind of huge brain damage and periodic paralysis. Gruesome as that may sound, we felt responsible for making sure "dopey dove" as he was named was okay. He provided ours of amusement for us as young children - laughing as he walked sideways, guffawing as he nearly drowned in the bird bath, and even on occasion being wrapped in a towel when he was obviously getting cold.

After a while, our temporary pet finally bit the bullet and died. Because we had looked after it for so long, we decided to bury it in the garden. So, after a long afternoon of digging a grave and making a headstone out of an old ice cream tub lid, we laid him to rest.

Right as we had finished and were walking back inside, my youngest sister asked us

"When's the dopey dove plant going to grow?"
(Ant Marching And for my next trick... GWARGGHHGWWGGGH!, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 15:32, Reply)

Did Everyone's Grandad have a monkey in the South Pacific?
My Grandad's monkey was named Pete. (this is a different Grandad from the one that served with Richard Nixon) He was a great monkey. We have pictures of him and Grandad hanging about, smoking cigarettes and enjoying a can of beer.

Apparently, my Grandad's CO (Commanding Officer) was a bit of a prat, and Pete the monkey hated him. One evening, while Grandad slumbered beneath a truck (it's what you do when a Jap air attack could come at any minute) his CO came looking for him. He saw his feet beneath the truck and went to kick Grandad's feet to wake him up...

The last thing he saw was a monkey, flying through the air off the truck, paws extended and flailing.

The monkey gave him 1) a black eye, 2) a busted lip and 3) scratches ALL over the guys face. Grandad said it looked like the guy had been attacked by 100 angry women.

I love monkeys. Good Ole Pete.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 15:16, Reply)

Hermit Crabs
I was at the beach home, as a wee nipper and as we strolled along the boardwalk, taking in the sites, my eyes fell upon a large cage that extolled the virtues of the hermit crab.

I begged. I was refused.

I begged again, later that night. Refused again.

The following day, I decided that despite the absolute NECESSITY of a hermit crab to social success, I would let the issue go. Right up until we were leaving and my Father said "Lets go to the boardwalk and get something to drink, then we can head on home."

We walked by the store and my little hand lifted to point my finger at the cage as we slowly passed. My Father paused the gaggle that is my Family and said "Lets get little Citadel a hermit crab."

Joy! Elation! Smugness (because I knew I would be right at the top of the social ladder NOW!).

He was green. We bought a cage. Got him home and I went out to play. He escaped three days later. Some idiot (my Brother) had put a piece of driftwood in the cage for him to "work out on".

Fully one year and 1 month later, we found him. In our basement! Two stories below where he escaped. A HERMIT CRAB. And he was ALIVE! Lord only knows what he ate and where he found drinking water!

Though, sadly, the shock at being found must have weakened its little hermity crab heart and he popped his clogs the next day.

This is a representation of a hermit crabs size, sitting on someone's hand:

*(100% true story!)
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 15:10, Reply)

Ferretrout...
...are you familiar with the episode of Alan Partridge when Michael the handyman relates the tale of when he had a pet monkey which ate all his fags and as a result he "hoyed it in the sea"?

Is your grandad???
(keeferreefer, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 15:08, Reply)

Cat magic
My mum used to have a cat, which she found useful when she watched the Blue Peter thing about how cats always land on their feet. She dropped her cat out of the bedroom window on the 1st floor and was impressed to see it land on its feet. When it came back, two weeks later, she decided to try it again, this time holding it by its feet just to make doubly sure. It came back two weeks later, by which time she was suitably convinced that cats always land on their feet.

I used to live in a house with a couple of right druggies, their hysterical but oblivious landlady, and her pets, most notably two chinchillas. The other housemates used to let them out when she was away and they were high. For some reason one of them fed them a tiny bit of speed and chortled as the landlady was a tad hysterical when they bounced around the cage for three days like they were possessed, and slept for three days after that.

I'm currently the proud owner of my first cat, Cabaret. When we first got him, we were carrying him home in a pet carrier, past this copse which had a path on one side, a stream on another, houses on the third side, and impenetrable growth on the last side. Cabaret was none too happy and managed to escape the carrier, and bolted off into the woods. A hell of a search and 24 hours later, the original owners found him in the middle of a bramble bush that was about 20ft square and 10ft high, and so we finally managed to take him home. He caught his first bird the other day, more likely because it just fell into his mouth than anything else - he brought it in still tweeting. We were so proud.
(firemasque, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 14:48, Reply)

Dinkus the cat
This is my blind cat Dinkus.


I rescued Dinkus from a mentally ill chap from a boarding house I got wind of from some staff at a homeless shelter.
He was'nt being feed properly and spent all of his life hiding under a bed.

When I got him home he was acting strange and nervy, but it was'nt until the next day that I realised he was blind.
A trip to the vet confirmed that he was born blind.
I'm not sure how the RSPCA had missed that when they sold the kitten to the guy.

Anyway, Dinkus likes to play outside, he knows the boundries of the yard so I let him wander around by himself.... he does'nt stray too far.

One day he was out and about doing whatever a blind cat does in a yard when I heard that meowing that every cat owner learns to panic from.

He strutted into the kitchen and deposited a small bird on the floor in front of me, meowing , and looking as proud as punch :)

I had a tear in my eye when this happened, I felt like the proudest parent in the world, and my Dinkus had finally become a man.

Well the bird was ok, just a bit spitty, so I let it rest in a shoebox until it was fit to fly off.

To this day I don't know how he caught it, but one theory is that he was yawning underneath his favourite tree and it slipped and fell into his gob.

I have two rescued Cockateils' as well but I'm not as fond of them.
One makes kissy noises and acts all cute then attacks your face, and the other has sex with dishwashing sponge while chanting "quick, Quickly"!
(sinewriter, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 14:28, Reply)

Monkey Business
My grandfather "acquired" a pet monkey whilst serving with the Navy in South Africa. He taught it simple tricks (as anyone with a monkey would do) and everybody loved my grandfathers monkey.
However, one day it was left unattened for a little too long and ate 200 of my grandfathers cigarettes. My grandfather retaliated by shooting it and throwing it overboard because "I can nick a fucking monkey off anyone, but cigarettes are expensive!"

My grandfather scares me.
(FerretTrout be illin', Wed 13 Jun 2007, 14:25, Reply)

Pet Insanity
Had quite a few mad pets over the year (current maddest pet award is a close fight between three cats an my brother in law)

Combat Cat was green, literally green and appeared to be made out of muscle and elastic. He was also a talking cat, always asking you stuff in catese and seemingly getting the right answers as he didnt get stroppy and was not a bad cat.
During the week he worked out when i came home from college and would meet me from the bus and walk home bleeping and chunnering away to me. This made more impressive by him walking jauntily along a half mile of high street each time to greet the bus.
His best trick was violence related.
He had two neuterd cat friends, both fat tabbies whos names escape me but who both would come and play with him in our garden.
Combat cat would slink off and hide (in plain view to us, but not to them) in some Lucifer greenery. They would be wandering around thinking ''where has our green friend gone, he was here before but now he has disappeared!! I am worried'' etc etc ... all the while, Combat Cat would be wiggling his bum more and more getting super excited .. until after about 10 minutes he would leap out at them at high speed and belt them both round the ears before diving (again in plan view) into anopther bit of greenery. He would keep this up for an hour or more.
He was flattened by a car, possibly while trying to shag it and make some kind of Transformer Cat child.

Current mad cat is Crowley, he is part bengal and whilst pretending to be a complete Toff, clearly is as insane as Mad Jack Mc Mad whos occupation is listed as 'madman'.

He follows us to the park, the shops in fact anywhere a bit like Monkey on weebl and Bob.
Everything is fair game to him, bits of paper, rugs, walls, other animals, paper boys and postmen. But his best attribute is the attitude he exudes. Nothing bothers him at all, its all a big game or adventure. Even a massive bull mastiff didnt phase him, he just stared at it, walked towards and then rolled around in the dust a foot away from where its owner was holding it. He even let the dog smell his arse! (more than likely cracking one off in his face as Crowley is master of meaty guffs)

Pets are ace
(markov1723 Annoying Bavarians since, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 14:22, Reply)

Oscar The One Eyed Booger Cat From Hell
When I met my wife, she had a cat, Oscar was his name. By far the toughest cat that ever lived. Firstly, he was big, I mean big, like a small to medium sized dog.
he was found wandering the high way as a kitten and taken in by my dearest. As he grew, he bullied her otherwise monsterous german shepphard. The dog eventually got tired of having his food stolen and big the cat on the head, blinding him in one eye. Think that stopped him? think again.
Some years later he came scratching at the door to be let in, when the door opened he shot into the house and hid under the bed for several hours. When he came out, his eye (blind one luckily) was hanging from his head. Yes, he'd been shot in the eye.
Complete lack of depth perception didn't stop him either, he still hunted and caught anything from chip monks to woodchucks with ease. Still kicked the dog's ass too. He broke a tooth in a fight which lead to a drooling problem, didn't stop him! Last interesting thing he did before we left New York was discover a nest of rattle snakes beneath the house, where he waged a campaign of terror. Over a period of several days he systematically killed the baby snakes, bringing them into the house for display purposes, before finally dragging the dead mother through the cat flap. How many of your cats killed a family of snakes that could drop you with barely more than a look?
That's what I thought.

Length? about three and a half feet, plus the rattle.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 13:59, Reply)

Rabbits don't like it
When you fuck them in the anus
(Barry_Bulsara, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 13:42, Reply)

Sharky and George
I used to have 2 goldfish called Sharky and George when I was about 8, George died of natural causes a few weeks after we got him.
Sharky looked a bit lonely in his tank so my Dad decided it would be a good idea to put a chrome model of a car that was also a radio (how tacky) but the radio was fudged so there was no use for it - it was to be the new fish-tank decoration.
The day after the car was put in the tank Sharky had tried to get underneath the car by digging in through the stones. He was trapped and just died.
I was 8 years old and my fish had just died in a tragic car accident.
(TheCubeLab, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 13:41, Reply)

Not me but a retarded friend
Killed his goldfish as he thought it was thirsty so he poured some C*ca Cola in its bowl for something to drink

Killed his budgie as it wouldnt stop making noises so he shot it no need to say that it shut up 4 good after that

he's now turned to drugs...
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 12:37, Reply)

My Pet History..
Back in the day we had 4 rabbits 2 female 2 male in seperate cages. Obviously me and my brother being the experimental children we were decided to mix them up a bit when the mother n t'old man weren't lookin. result of this equalled 14 rabbits which mother dint find as funny as me n brother found it. altho we were 4 and 6 at the time :/
Later on in life i think i was about 9 i got 2 'female' guinea pigs for my birthday couple of weeks later i had 3 :) 1 of the said 'females' was actually a male. I eventually lost one of the G-Pigs wen i was cleaning it out n i dropped it on the floor n then it decided to go into the neighbours garden. i was 11 at the time n i didnt actually care anymore.
Had a 14 year old cat up untill a couple of months ago as well but it became a victim to drink driving and was knocked down by the gud ol neighbour. although i respect him 4 coming round and telling us what happened however my mum started cryin which made him feel slightly awkward, but to be honest it was only a cat. get ova it .
Bro once bought a goldfish it had a long eventful life of 3 hours took it back to the petshop to get another 1. that lasted a week. we didnt bother with anymore, the heartbreak was too much to bare.
but ye thats all 4 now i've had quite a few other pets but i think your bored enough now although i could tell you the story about my pet monkey in india but i would be lying... :(
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 12:32, Reply)

The littlest Hobo
During my time in the security industry, being the scourge of Exeter Bus Station, I was alerted one night by a sound which I percieved to be someone choking to death.
Upon investigation, I discovered that it was in fact a doped up homeless git, attempting to hang his puppy from a sign post on the lower level of the bus station. The dog looked terrified and close to death, so I did what any upstanding citizen would do, I twatted the b*stard with my maglite. Dog drops, runs off like a shot. Police are called, bloke staggers off (I wasn't chasing him, they carry needles don't you know).
So, police arrived, dude gets arrested, they hunt for the dog for about 45 minutes to no avail and cart said bum off to the station.
Well, an hour or so later there's a scratching at my office door. I open it and in comes this puppy, looking cold and unhappy. It heads straight for the corner and curls up. I give it something to eat and some water and she sleeps the rest of the night there. Come morning, I with an improvised lead made from my key chain decide to take her home and then off to the pound to be re-located or whatever.
Well, I get home, wife wakes up, sees dog, little un wakes up, sees dog. Other dog wakes up and looks unimpressed at the invading pup...
Well, this was thanksgiving morning (wife is american) and she refused to take the dog to the pound when were all about to have a big thanksgiving feast, so I had to agree to let her spend the night.
2 and a half years later, her name is Titch and she is completely and utterly devoted to me. My wife says I'm her hero for saving her life.
Completely true story. She's a fantastic dog.

Length? alot longer than when we first met.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 12:31, Reply)

Me deceased Grandad
used to have a nice little fluffy kitten. Nice little white thing it was, but was always hungry and looked very very thin on it's legs.

Me grandad couldn't understand this, as every morning he'd put out a huge saucer full of milk, and the kitten would be stuck in straight away.

So one morning he stuck the saucer out and spied from the kitchen window. His kitty was lapping at the milk quite happy until a big black tomcat from next door came into the garden, swiped the kitten out of the way and drank ALL the milk, leaving the kitten to starve.

Quick as a flash, me grandad's out the back garden, picks up the tomcat by the scruff of his neck and literally fecking UPPERCUTS this cat into his shed door about 5 yards away. The cat lands on all fours after bouncing off the door and darts straight back into next door, never to return.

Kitty never starved after that :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 11:18, Reply)

My step-dad told me this...
Apparently a few years back, a friend of his found an injured goose in his back-yard.
It lived in his shed for a few days as it was nursed back to health and he'd take it food etc.

It got used to the sight of him and eventually would come into the house and wander round doing goose like things.

Apparently step-dad's mates' wife and kids weren't quite as keen on said goosey as husband/dad was. Which was demonstrated one day when my step-dad went to drop off some stuff for work.

Step-dad and mate are in the hallway, wife + kids in living room watching t.v. He ushered the goose into the living room.
10 seconds later wife + kids are screaming their lungs out and darting upstairs to safety.

Step-dad and mate roll on the floor laughing and reward goose for a job well done with dog-food.
(It loved the stuff.)
(tylrdiablos, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 10:54, Reply)

went to my bosses house this morning
on the way to the gym, and all up his patio windows and strewn across his garden, are the smeared, shredded and bloody remains of what would appear to be several crows.
This destruction was caused by his two cats, who are the sweetest cats you'll ever see, but fuck me, I wont be pissing them off in a hurry.
It looks like the fucking somme in his garden!
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 10:53, Reply)

Don't like the QOTW?
Then don't read it. Simple as.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 13 Jun 2007, 10:51, Reply)

Have a QOTW template
I used to have a (insert animal type) and it was the (insert characteristic of animal)est around. One day day it did something funny and how we laughed. It's dead now, I do miss him/her.
(quedge, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 10:33, Reply)

Cat-Flid
..no really, he was...he was one of those pure white ones who, by way of an unfortunate genetic problem, are usually profoundly deaf and in some cases 'retarded'- in this case extremely retarded.
When my mum got him as a kitten we realised we were going to have problems with him -
he dribbled constantly
he kept banging into walls
he kept burning his nose on the living room fire
not only was he a drooling clumsy idiot but he also would happily shit himself all day-usually in one of our beds- and had absolutely no concept of basic feline hygiene.
Things got a lot worse once he was old enough to go out into the wide world
Like all cats he had an ancient inbuilt instinct to climb-trouble was he had absolutely no sense of balance and nearly all his climbing excursions ended with him hanging precariously by one paw,turning slowly one way then back again, all the time drooling like the furry white feline simpleton he was.
As he became an Adult he graduated into sleeping under parked cars-which rendered his white fur constantly streaked with oil and mud -causing my mum to remark "That cat is FILTHY" and then into the ultimate idiocy that ultimately became his undoing- sleeping in the middle of the road outside our house . It was this that made me realise that the myth that Cats have nine lives was exactly that- a myth. He was run over four times in his 1st year with us, the first instance resulting in the highly amusing spectacle of him not only wearing one of those upturned lightshade stitch guards round his neck -but also in him having his back legs plastered and having a rather nifty set of wheels attached so that he could wheel himself around.
My mum-being a kind hearted soul, did her best to keep him out of harms way by confining him to the house but to no avail-he developed a way of climbing out through the smallest open window and it was this way that he met his end-squashed flat by a neighbour's Transit van.

So heres to Oscar,Cat-Flid and distressing pet 1993-1995
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 10:08, Reply)