LAST!
(it's that time, right?)
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 3 Apr 2014, 14:14, Reply)

Some fucking bint
from the British Eat Your Greens Secretariat was on the radio yesterday saying that the new '7 a day' message was "too confusing for people", and we should stay on 5 a day because "it's easier to understand". Gah!
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Wed 2 Apr 2014, 22:50, 15 replies)

Your all racists

(Eukanuba, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 22:45, 32 replies)

Americans.
I need to get a GED, because apparently qualifications that weren't gained in the USA don't count for shit, and I want to start a university course here. This seems a bit petty in itself.

I just found out the calculator they give you is a TI-30XS, a piece of shit that is about as intuitive to use as MSDOS. I assume the reason they don't use Casio fx-83GT's, which are by far the best simple calculators in the world is because they are Japanese and not American. Petty nationalism that leads the education authorities to pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist to the detriment of students.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 20:30, 7 replies)

What sort of flabby beige-grazing untermensch eats fewer than seven portions of fruit and veg a day?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 19:11, 11 replies)

don't forget to

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 18:09, 10 replies)

Airports are wretched hives of scum and villainy
Flying in to Amsteradam at the height of TSA arseholery I'd made sure I had everything liquid in a tiny clear bag, nothing over 50ml, hadn't even bought any booze at the airport.

On the plane they have a decent gin, so I buy a bottle of that for dear old Gran who was just round the corner from Heathrow - handy after a 10 hour spell of intercontinental hell.

Got off the Southwest Airlines flight, resplendent with hangover and gin, walked to the gate for my connecting flight only to be told I had to chuck the gin. WHAT? "I bought it on a plane". "I never left the secure area". "It's for my Gran". "Fuck off my gin".

Nothing worked.

I lost my gin to an admittedly sheepish looking Dutch security agent. The worst part? They put it in a clear bin next to the departure gate and I could see it from my seat. Just sitting there.

America, I expect this from you. The Netherlands? Hang your head in shame, I thought you were better than that. Stealing an old lady's gin. That's low man, that's low.
(King Keepo has absolutely no idea what he's doing, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 17:12, 2 replies)

I was taking a shit in my wheelie bin while chatting up a nurse over the fence when the binmen turned up.
They were not amused.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 16:32, 4 replies)

Bit of fucking pollution and the NANNY state is all over us with warnings to stay indoors if you are
a bit Piggy from bloody Lord of the Rings!!! I don't pay my taxes to have to listen to there advice on what to do and not to do. David Shameron and the LIEBERALS have a lot to answer for and Andy Murray better win Wimbledon and
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 16:32, 3 replies)

EAT YOUR GREENS!
that is all.
( PooPants, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 15:44, 1 reply)

Highlander 2: The Quickening
In August 1994, news broadcasts announce that the ozone layer is fading, and will be completely gone in a matter of months. In Africa, millions have perished from the effects of unfiltered sunlight. Among the dead is Connor MacLeod's wife, Brenda Wyatt MacLeod. Before dying, Brenda extracts a promise from Connor that he will solve the problem of the ozone layer.

By 1999, MacLeod becomes the supervisor of a scientific team headed by Dr. Allan Neyman, which attempts to create an electromagnetic shield to cover the planet, and protect it from the Sun’s radiation. The team succeeds, in effect giving Earth an artificial ozone layer. MacLeod and Neyman are proud to have saved humanity, and believe they will be remembered for a thousand years.

The shield has the side effect of condemning the planet to a state of constant night, a high average global temperature, and high humidity. By 2024, the years of darkness have caused humanity to lose hope and fall into a decline. The shield has fallen under the control of the Shield Corporation. The corporation’s current chief executive, David Blake, is focused on profit, and is imposing fees for the corporation’s services. A number of terrorist groups have begun trying to take down the Shield, among them Louise Marcus, a former employee of the Shield Corporation.

Meanwhile, Connor, now a frail old man, expects to eventually die of natural causes. As he watches a performance of Wagner’s Götterdämmerung, an image of Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez appears, and induces MacLeod to recall a forgotten event of his past. On the planet Zeist, a last meeting is held between the members of a rebellion against the rule of General Katana. The rebellion’s leader, Ramirez, chooses "a man of great destiny" from among them—MacLeod—to carry out a mission against Katana. At this moment, Katana and his troops attack, crushing the rebellion. Katana orders his men to capture Ramirez and MacLeod alive and kill the rest of the rebels. The two captives are put on trial by Zeist's priests, who sentence them to be exiled and reborn on Earth in pursuit of "The Prize." Winning the Prize gives the victor the choice to either grow old and die on Earth, or to return to Zeist. It is worth noting that alternate cuts of the film have these events transpire in Earth's distant past rather than on Zeist. Katana is unsatisfied with their decision, but the sentence is executed, leading to the events of the original 1986 film.

Back in 2024, Louise Marcus discovers that the ozone layer has in fact restored itself naturally, which means that the shield is no longer needed. The Shield Corporation is aware of this development, but has chosen to hide it from the general public in order to maintain its main source of profit. Meanwhile, on Zeist, Katana decides that MacLeod cannot be allowed to return, and sends his immortal henchmen, Corda and Reno, to kill him.

Marcus manages to reach MacLeod first, and asks for his help in taking down the Shield. To her disappointment, she finds the passionate person she once admired has grown into a tired old man. MacLeod explains to her that he is dying and expresses his disapproval of terrorism. Before they can finish their conversation, Corda and Reno attack. MacLeod manages to decapitate them both, absorbs their energy during the Quickening, and regains his youthful appearance. In the process, MacLeod summons Ramirez back to life.

In Glencoe, Scotland - the location of his death in the first Highlander film - Ramirez is revived. He finds himself on a theatrical stage during a performance of William Shakespeare's Hamlet. Meanwhile, MacLeod has found a new lover in Louise Marcus. He attempts unsuccessfully to explain to her the concepts of his immortality. Elsewhere, General Katana arrives in New York, the scene of The Gathering and begins wreaking havoc.

Both Ramirez and Katana soon adapt to their new environment. Ramirez’s earring is apparently valuable enough to pay both for a new suit he acquires from the finest and oldest tailor’s shop in Scotland, and for an airplane ticket to New York City. Katana finds New York much to his liking. After entertaining himself for a while, Katana encounters MacLeod at a church. Since immortals are forbidden from fighting on holy ground, they do not fight each other, but MacLeod expresses rage at being immortal once again.

Soon thereafter, MacLeod is contacted by Ramirez, who joins them in their plan to take down the Shield. Katana, expecting this, forges an uneasy alliance with David Blake, who mentions that shutting down the planetary shield would require so much energy that the planet would be destroyed. The conflict between the two sets of allies eventually leads to the deaths of Dr. Allan Neyman, Ramirez, Blake and General Katana himself. MacLeod succeeds in taking down the Shield by using the combined energies of his final Quickening from General Katana. Louise sees the stars for the first time in her life. MacLeod then claims The Prize by returning to Zeist with Louise.

tl:dr -
In August 1994, news broadcasts announce that the ozone layer is fading, and will be completely gone in a matter of months. In Africa, millions have perished from the effects of unfiltered sunlight. Among the dead is Connor MacLeod's wife, Brenda Wyatt MacLeod. Before dying, Brenda extracts a promise from Connor that he will solve the problem of the ozone layer.

By 1999, MacLeod becomes the supervisor of a scientific team headed by Dr. Allan Neyman, which attempts to create an electromagnetic shield to cover the planet, and protect it from the Sun’s radiation. The team succeeds, in effect giving Earth an artificial ozone layer. MacLeod and Neyman are proud to have saved humanity, and believe they will be remembered for a thousand years.

The shield has the side effect of condemning the planet to a state of constant night, a high average global temperature, and high humidity. By 2024, the years of darkness have caused humanity to lose hope and fall into a decline. The shield has fallen under the control of the Shield Corporation. The corporation’s current chief executive, David Blake, is focused on profit, and is imposing fees for the corporation’s services. A number of terrorist groups have begun trying to take down the Shield, among them Louise Marcus, a former employee of the Shield Corporation.

Meanwhile, Connor, now a frail old man, expects to eventually die of natural causes. As he watches a performance of Wagner’s Götterdämmerung, an image of Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez appears, and induces MacLeod to recall a forgotten event of his past. On the planet Zeist, a last meeting is held between the members of a rebellion against the rule of General Katana. The rebellion’s leader, Ramirez, chooses "a man of great destiny" from among them—MacLeod—to carry out a mission against Katana. At this moment, Katana and his troops attack, crushing the rebellion. Katana orders his men to capture Ramirez and MacLeod alive and kill the rest of the rebels. The two captives are put on trial by Zeist's priests, who sentence them to be exiled and reborn on Earth in pursuit of "The Prize." Winning the Prize gives the victor the choice to either grow old and die on Earth, or to return to Zeist. It is worth noting that alternate cuts of the film have these events transpire in Earth's distant past rather than on Zeist. Katana is unsatisfied with their decision, but the sentence is executed, leading to the events of the original 1986 film.

Back in 2024, Louise Marcus discovers that the ozone layer has in fact restored itself naturally, which means that the shield is no longer needed. The Shield Corporation is aware of this development, but has chosen to hide it from the general public in order to maintain its main source of profit. Meanwhile, on Zeist, Katana decides that MacLeod cannot be allowed to return, and sends his immortal henchmen, Corda and Reno, to kill him.

Marcus manages to reach MacLeod first, and asks for his help in taking down the Shield. To her disappointment, she finds the passionate person she once admired has grown into a tired old man. MacLeod explains to her that he is dying and expresses his disapproval of terrorism. Before they can finish their conversation, Corda and Reno attack. MacLeod manages to decapitate them both, absorbs their energy during the Quickening, and regains his youthful appearance. In the process, MacLeod summons Ramirez back to life.

In Glencoe, Scotland - the location of his death in the first Highlander film - Ramirez is revived. He finds himself on a theatrical stage during a performance of William Shakespeare's Hamlet. Meanwhile, MacLeod has found a new lover in Louise Marcus. He attempts unsuccessfully to explain to her the concepts of his immortality. Elsewhere, General Katana arrives in New York, the scene of The Gathering and begins wreaking havoc.

Both Ramirez and Katana soon adapt to their new environment. Ramirez’s earring is apparently valuable enough to pay both for a new suit he acquires from the finest and oldest tailor’s shop in Scotland, and for an airplane ticket to New York City. Katana finds New York much to his liking. After entertaining himself for a while, Katana encounters MacLeod at a church. Since immortals are forbidden from fighting on holy ground, they do not fight each other, but MacLeod expresses rage at being immortal once again.

Soon thereafter, MacLeod is contacted by Ramirez, who joins them in their plan to take down the Shield. Katana, expecting this, forges an uneasy alliance with David Blake, who mentions that shutting down the planetary shield would require so much energy that the planet would be destroyed. The conflict between the two sets of allies eventually leads to the deaths of Dr. Allan Neyman, Ramirez, Blake and General Katana himself. MacLeod succeeds in taking down the Shield by using the combined energies of his final Quickening from General Katana. Louise sees the stars for the first time in her life. MacLeod then claims The Prize by returning to Zeist with Louise.
(Andrew Avetoom, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 15:11, 14 replies)

Abstract title.
Abstract answer.
Abstract punchline (optional).
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 14:55, 4 replies)

Returning home with multiple heavy bags of shopping
when I lived in a studio flat on the eighth floor, I was lugging my cargo all the way to my room at the top when I bumped into two stuffed shirts from the council fiddling with the electricity meters (with no statutory justification, of course) and taking up the entire stairwell. I tried to explain to them that I had to get home or the bags would burst, but they wouldn't back down. The waiting was unbearable and I thought the effort was going to wreck me.

Eventually the rebels without a clause shifted their adipose investigations by about the width of a budgie, allowing me to squeeze past and make the rest of the distance to my door, where I dumped my shopping, collapsed onto the sofa and sent a text message to that cute American girl I'd bumped into a couple of days before when taking out my bins.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 14:40, Reply)

Answer based on interpreting the question via populist meme.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 14:16, 9 replies)

Want petty officialdom? Try dealing with the PTA.
Or Port Transport Authority, to give this waste of time and money it's full name.

Coming into NYC off a cruise ship caused me to have dealings with this bunch of miserable jobsworths. After all the passport bullshit and the 'Welcome to America' now please give us all your fingerprints and iris scan crap, as we were coming in off a boat, we had another line of bureaucracy to get through - the PTA.

They wanted to know if we were bringing in any fish, meat or vegetables from our previous cruise destinations. I told them I wasn't - and the guy said, 'You better not be lying son, the Port Transport Othority takes this very seriously.' And yes, he said 'Othority', which lead me to think that his organisation was called the 'PTO', rather than 'PTA'.

But I was foiled, they found the two sides of smoked salmon I'd bought in Norway before we headed out over the Atlantic. 'I'm going to have to confiscate those' said the very important man, obviously insanely proud that he'd landed a huge, PTO fish haul.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 12:30, 22 replies)

Extended ramble.
Pun.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 12:02, 6 replies)

Is there something about gatekeepers making them the most stringent sticklers for rules?
It had seemed like a good idea at the time - a stag do on a narrow boat going up the River Lea over a long Easter weekend. A gloriously lazy 3 day pub crawl with accommodation that we could just fall into at night moored handily by each pub. Obviously, not everything went to plan. For starters, when we met up at Limehouse Basin the groom had arrived with his Jack Russell because he’d been relying on his wife-to-be to look after it whilst he was away, only to discover that her friends had arranged her hen do that same weekend in Paris via Eurostar. So the dog had to be smuggled on board since the boat rental company had a strict no pets rule. Next, the best man insisted on making the groom (who is Scottish) wear a “haggis necklace” for the weekend. Yes, a string of haggises tied around his neck. Also, none of us bunch of middle-class, middle-aged, flabby-middled blokes had driven a boat before, so every time we tried to move, stop or tie the thing up there was chaos.
Somehow we managed to get going and once we were out of sight of Limehouse Basin the dog was let out to run around the deck, barking at everything in sight and jumping up at the groom trying to get at the fucking haggises around his neck.
We arrived at the first obstacle - a lock. Fucking locks, how do they work? Oh fantastic, there is some sort of official operating it! The groom somehow steers the boat through the open lock gates, the official starts shouting at us about ropes and dogs and putting the engine in neutral and closing the gates and suddenly there is a splash and we realise the dog has fallen (been kicked?) into the water.
Fortunately the best man remained calm and managed to fish the bloody thing out before it got crushed between the boat and the sides of the lock using the haggis necklace. And that is my story of a Party Offal Shawl Trawling Bow Locks.
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 10:50, 13 replies)

don't forget to pick up your dole money

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:17, 40 replies)

Petty Official sets B3ta QOTW and misses his own 12th B3taday!
Happy Candles anyway Scaryduck!
( da5id <YOUR SIG HERE>, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 22:35, 2 replies)

Don't help promote our cinema/films!
Walking out of watching a film at the Odeon, and saw a poster for the newest Thing movie, decided to take a picture to let my friends know it was coming out. A staff member told me to delete the picture from my phone due to copyright.

I restored karma though by going to see it twice at another cinema.
(Mitchell Gant, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 21:48, 4 replies)

Don't forget to bring your bins in!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 18:37, 10 replies)

I Live in Northern Ireland. Every Political Assembly Member is a Petty Twunt
One Mrs Robinson even told off a bin-man for trespassing because he, well, attempted to do his job. They are kinda...thick like Gloy paste and like to whinge a lot.
(Bonanzo Best Before:, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 18:03, 7 replies)

Yeah, so I was at a Wacky Warehouse and the so-called MANAGEMENT tried to kick us out
of the so-called CHILDRENS PLAY AREA because we were adults and very pissed on White Lightening. There were like 30 of us and at least one had done a martial art. CUNTS
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:02, 10 replies)

People are cunts.
Not traffic wardens, litter wardens, airport security...people....they're cunts. And that's way I'm nothing but friendly and polite to every minor, hi viz'd person I deal with. Also, they're beneath me and I'm not going to demean myself by arguing with them.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 1 Apr 2014, 12:52, 5 replies)

For some, there is no such thing as joy.
Felt slightly guilty about posting the previous link - though I still do rather believe that vapid monster-mother's anti-tattoo tirade is probably genuine, it was rightly pointed out that the Grauniad would not be above hosting it to troll up a bit of response.

But this article, I am plumb-certain the shrieking buerk really believes in: you know that clip of Joanne Milne? The one where she is over-come by the joy of hearing for the first time - a clip of transparently genuine emotion, that touched the vacuous emptiness of even my bitter old soul?

Well, watching/sharing that clip means you hate deaf people.

Because yeah.

The basic line of argument appears to be that all people watching/sharing that clip believe that all deaf people are 'broken' and that all deaf people can be 'fixed.' For lazy people, here are some choice bits:

*the "deaf person hears for the first time" videos don't make me smile. They make me want to throw my computer out a window.

*Note: writing Deaf with a capital D separates people who can't hear from people who consider deafness a major part of their cultural and political identity.

*So what do these videos say to a deaf person who does not want or cannot have the implant? They say, "this other person is healed now, but you will always be broken."

*viral videos aren't about the people who are in them, they're about the people who watch them. It's much easier to look at a 60-second "uplifting" video and tear up and feel really good about yourself for sharing a post to Facebook than it is to learn anything meaningful about the lives of Deaf individuals around the world

Read the full wobbly piece of tripe here.

I don't see anyone making and larger assumptions about deaf people than the militant CODA joy-leech is making about the people watching/sharing the link! And the idea that the link portrays Joanne as walking away with 'fixed' hearing is utter T-Rex shit.

While this bint has no credence in my eyes (ears?) I know she really does mean it. My own hearing hovering between shite and poor, I have run across this attitude before.

The deaf community can indeed be a close, wonderful community with its own language and richness - however, as medical science comes up with clever things like cochlear implants, the petty militants lash out in fear of their shrinking world; I've even heard of people like Joanne being ostracised for trying the implants.

No-one wants to admit being imperfect, but this is B3TA - if we are visiting here, its a pretty good bet we are all already raggy doll broken (but with more outrageous lyrics). So should we, in an orgy of bloody-mindedness, rip off our glasses and grope around helplessly, rather than lose the rich, blurry world of the shitty-sighted? If your leg don't work no more, wouldn't you just call it 'broken'?

Proves that when there is uncomplicated joy, someone somewhere will find a way to object to it. Sad.
(IChewCandlewax, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 12:48, 20 replies)

It's pronounced
'keen-wah' you fucking plebs!
(wheeples mcsquiblington a spazmatic cuntwankatron., Tue 1 Apr 2014, 11:58, 7 replies)

I get annoyed by people who do their jobs properly.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 9:44, 2 replies)

Look...
Candles!
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 9:23, 53 replies)

HAPPY CANDLEDAY SCARYDUCK
xxxxxxx
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 8:40, 1 reply)

there ain't no party like a county court party
as you may know or can imagine, there is a whole myriad of rules about court proceedings. 99% of the time you stick to them, but sometimes clients just can't, or they get information at the last minute or something. well, some court officials take a practical view, and get the job done in the parties' best interests. and some... don't.

this particular case involved a standard directions hearing. i'd done everything i could, including sending draft directions to the other side some 3 weeks before the hearing. however, they were rather slow to respond. finally, we got it agreed with 1 week to go. the court clerk flatly refused to vacate the hearing, and he flatly and utterly refused to let us have a telephone hearing. because we were only 7 days before the hearing, not "no less than" 7 days before the hearing.

how can it possibly have been in the best interest of both parties to have to pay for a hearing, for something they had already agreed? anyway, he insisted, so we had no choice.

and on the day, i stood up to start the pleadings. the judge scowled at me and held up a commanding hand to stop me in my tracks. he boomed, "miss swipe. can you start by explaining why are you here? this should have been agreed weeks ago."

i pointed out as politely as you can that it WAS agreed. so he scowled at the signed draft order for a bit, and then said, "then explain to me, why aren't we doing this by way of telephone hearing?"

ffs. i felt like making the clerk eat a copy of the transcript.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 8:29, 5 replies)