A warm tingling feeling in the nether regions
I was living with my mate and his girlfriend in Glasgow. Should be a laugh, I thought, they're both up for a good time.
Little did I know before I moved in that the girl was sex mad. She would talk about sex all the time, constantly have her tits out to show us (the boyf found this amusing), but the worst thing was that when we went out, she would go into the lounge and pleasure herself with her vibrator.
Not that bad, I hear you say.
Yes, but she would leave it sticking to the couch, or on the coffee table. The last thing you want to see when you're tucking into a plate of sausages is a large, pink, glistening vibrator looking at you.
My revenge?
Some cotton buds, some Tiger Balm, and a light coating on the vibrator.
Strangely, I never saw her little pink friend again.
Sorry about length, I'm new to this game.
( gadjie, Tue 10 May 2005, 13:06, Reply)

Liquid Crystal
Boy, you still cross with me for knobbing your bird. Gave her straight 'A' and did the Dirty Sanchez, but come on get over it, (like I did with your woman) No need to slag me off.
(Ed Blanchflower, Tue 10 May 2005, 10:58, Reply)

not sure if i've already posted this...
1) ice water thrown on housemate bathing with door open to listen to her music from her room. my mate and i filled a pitcher of water and tipped it all over her. caught the lot on camera too.

2) My father and a bunch of uni mates set up an oil derick on Southampton common and walked around for a day wearing boiler suits saying "mogul oil". Made into the paper. That's how you sabotage a park.

not sorry. at all
(sancho, Tue 10 May 2005, 10:40, Reply)

boobs
once i cut all the boobs out of my brothers porn mags and stuck them to his 8 page essay on american history he got an e.
im not sure if it was the boobs or the fact he got the presidents names wrong.
( DR Mexico Hunt, Hunt, Hunt, He's The Huntsman!!, Tue 10 May 2005, 10:22, Reply)

pettty but great
I have the distinct unfortune to have to share a room with my 25 years old alcohollic of a brother. After a particulaly heavy days drinkin he stumbles in and falls asleep, now one would think my troubles over, but no he then in his sleep grinds his teeth. Im quite easy going but the sound of teeth grinding is one that gets to your very soul and squeezes! so when ever he starts to do that i promptly whip of a dirty sock and stuff it in his mouth. This works exepcailly well if ive got a raging bout of athletes foot! the twunt wakes up wondering why his mouth is so dry!
(Roland_of_gilead, Tue 10 May 2005, 10:07, Reply)

Sad Sabotage In Shop
When I used to work for a local computer store, we spent many a time sabotaging anyone's equipment, ranging from the petty to the downright pointless. Here's a few for starters;

1 - Someone would go to the newsagents and buy a mars bar. He'd place it down, turn his back for ten seconds, then find the mars bar being eaten by me and 35p sitting in it's place. "What, I thought you bought it for me, I did ask."

2 - Leave the mars bar there, after mummifying it in a casket of half a roll of masking tape. It was a race against time to see if you could unravel it before it melted into packaged goo.

3 - We had a shop window display which was wide and large enough for someone to unbolt the door and walk in, to the view of all the public staring in (which they normally didn't). So the YTS lackey in the store (or the "victim" as we called him) was ordered to go into the shop window and sort the display out. As soon as he was about 5 feet inside the display, we locked him in and stuck a sign outside the window which had big letters saying "Do not feed the animals", which we left there for a good hour and him included. He was YTS, it was bound to happen.

4 - We used to have lockers out the back, which were just off the main shop floor. A delivery guy who used to turn up regularly at the store had just delivered 2000 gay magazines to this club up the road from us, and still had a few spare in the back of his van. Cue sabotage oppertunity....we get a copy of this mag, and place it in the YTS guys locker, while he's busy doing chores and completely oblivious to the outside world. We notice that there's a new music CD in his locker as well. This is the distraction point. So we wait until the shop floor is busy, full of regular customers etc who all knew us, who were the unwitting audience. One of the guys asks YTS boy to see his new music CD, and we get our loud mouth manager to walk past the YTS boy as he opens his locker, and look in. This is timed perfectly, as the manager starts shouting "Oh my god, he's got gay porn in here! What's this doing in your locker you perve!" and starts waving the magazine out on the shop floor, much to the delights of all the shoppers, and totally humiliating the YTS'er at the same time.

YTS'er works in PC World now. That explains alot.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 10 May 2005, 10:01, Reply)

I think it was more revenge
Having finished first year of Uni i moved into a flat with 2 people i knew from Uni, and had connection to from my old school, and a 3rd guy who i really didn't know.

Anyhoo, this is how it started. One day when i was in the flat, i thought i hear someone knocking so i oopened the front door, noone there, stepped out to see if there was some on the stair. DANG, door closes on me. I din;t think much of it, as one of the housemates was in. So i knock, and knock and knock and knock. I gave up standing, so i laid down and used my foot to knock. I even open the letter box and shouted thru. I have no idea how long i was locked out for at least 10 minutes, could have been up to 2 hours. I did actually fall asleep, until my housemate was woken and came to let me in. I later discovered that my housemate who had been "asleep" had heard me and just couldn't be arsed to get out of bed. Soooo here is the revenge.

One night i putthe doors lock on the latch, rendering the key useless. As all teh other housemate were in, bar sleepy, i knew i would be only locking him out. So i hear teh key, the jiggle, the key being taken out and replace and more jiggling. He phone the flat but i had the phone and my phone was on silent. Lots of noise, i figured iw ould tak ethe latch off the lock and go back to bed and pretend to be sleeping. My other house mate, we shall came him leggy, got up open the door and complained about being woken up. Sleepy said his key wasn;t working, tried it again, to discover it worked. The next day i informed leggy about what actually happened. So we hatched a plan and rigged teh door a few more time before we told him what was really happening.

Sorry for nothing.

P.S. I am told sleepy's revenge was to pour a glass of water on me when i was sleeping..... didn't do anything
(StyX is staring at you, yes YOU!!!, Tue 10 May 2005, 9:51, Reply)

coffee over the keyboard
One of the many temp jobs I did between Uni and leaving for warmer climes was in a Dickensian office in the City. Data Entry. Dull. One of those places where the people who work there the longest eventually get the seats nearest the window.
One saving grace was the drop dead gorgeous Aussie lady who came to fix the computers when they broke down. We had so many problems with our pcs when I worked there ...
(Flicker the Cat, Tue 10 May 2005, 9:32, Reply)

Working in a bar
One summer in Hong Kong, we had a nasty trick of filing a shot glass with tabasco, covering it with cling film & inserting a straw into it. Then take some ice & coke & make a nice cool refreshing coke slushy, place the tabasco shot with straw into the slushy. (nicely hidden by the ice & coke mix)

Cue co worker coming in for his shift all hot & bothered -"here mate have this, customer changed their order"

Watch with glee as he takes a huge pull on the straw expecting ice cold coke & gets a mouth full of tabasco.

mwhahahah
(Baron Greenback Still in Sunny Singapore, Tue 10 May 2005, 5:40, Reply)

Imprison a monk
While at a posh boarding school, we were getting a bit miffed with our hosuemaster (a monk)who would often shower in the boys area. So one afternoon while he was in scrubbing his unmentionables a mate of mine tied the door handle to the banister. Unable to open the door inwards we heard much "Come on now it isn't a joke anymore!" at which point we legged it leaving him in there.

A couple of minutes later we discovered that through brute force he had managed to pull the door handle off & escape. My friendly DIY mate, replaced the door handle & hid the rope so it looked as if nothing had happened.

The monk never mentioned it - must have been a vow of silence.
(Baron Greenback Still in Sunny Singapore, Tue 10 May 2005, 5:11, Reply)

Not so much sabotage as bringing someone down
In my less than chosey past I once pulled a guy at a work function (he worked for a temp supplier) took him back to mine and shagged (not truly worth the effort, but I had had a bit to drink and I hadn't donated to charity for ages) after he and finished and amused me with the classic 'did I rock your world baby' line I ushered him out and into a taxi (see I can be a thoughtful girl) and then returned to my pit and found he had left the most delightful yellow y fronts in my bed - a parting gift to be treasured I think not so I binned them. Around midday the following day I noticed I was getting sly grins and odd looks from around the office and upon investigation found out that he had infact kissed and told or should I say kissed and bigged it all up. I was suitably unimpressed and when I got home that night the y front's were unbinned and carefully parcelled up and sent to his office, made a quick call to the poor receptionist who had to open this parcel (but thought this was a jolly jape). So one fine morning this would be stud sauntered into the office to find everyone snickering at him and grinning got to his desk to find the grummy yellow y fronts parcel taped to his chair and everyone singing tie a yellow ribbon.. macho ego deflated to the actual size of his cock. I have since found out this clever lad was sacked for sending extreme porn to a client - my how I laughed

sorry this is a bit long and a lot crap isn't it *wanders off*
(DWF, Tue 10 May 2005, 4:40, Reply)

I sabotaged my friends' April Fools Joke
They (Sharon and James) invented a society called the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Plants (NSPCP) and stuck leaflets through all our friends doors asking for donations.

We (Me and Alex) invented a poor befuddled man called Jonathan Fanshawe-Crooke who had accidentally got hold of one of these flyers and wanted to join the society, as his wife had recently left him and all he had left were his spider plants.

A series of emails began flying back and forth, our friends playing along with poor Mr Fanshawe -Crooke's delusions of helping the plants that had kept him company all his life - even when he was a baby and his morphine-addled nurse left him alone in his crib for hours on end.

Then his friends got involved. One was a professor of Botany at Glasgow University, and knew that no such society as the NSPCP existed. He insisted that they apologise immediately, or he would inform the police.

They did eventually, crapping their pants the whole time.

Then we sent them an email from the "real" NSPCP (National Society for the Protection and Conservation of Porpoises, in case you were wondering...) asking them to remove any reference to their fraudulent society from the internet, as they were receiving complaints. We proceeded to convince them to join. Sent them t-shirts and everything.

They only caught on then, when they received two t-shirts saying "NSPCP - April Fools" in the post. Actually, they only got it when me and Alex fell off our chairs laughing.

It lasted 3 months. I blame them for my not doing any Psychology revision in the run up to my A-Levels. So I also accidentally sabotaged my own A-Levels.

Damn...
(crayongirl, Tue 10 May 2005, 0:52, Reply)

Black Magic
I was at college back in the days of Windows 3.1 and our network had it installed on all the 386 and 486 machines. Basically, you couldn't change any of the settings in Control Panel - well yes you could, but you couldn't actually save them.

We worked out that if you left the dialog box open with the new settings then the next person to log in would get those setting on their machine.

Having changed all the colours to black so only the icons would show up (no text) and then switching off the monitor and attaching an "out of order" sign, we then stuck up a poster on the notice board warning of the "Black Magic" virus which was doing the rounds.

The network technicians eventually found out and put a message in the autoexec.bat telling users there was no such thing as a "Black Magic" virus. Pity they didn't make autoexec.bat a read-only file... :o)
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Tue 10 May 2005, 0:36, Reply)

Sabotage?
I found out that one of the chav scum who stole my car also drove, a clapped out escort similar to mine, As I knew my car inside out, I knew that with a little jiggling around under the car, I could 'pop' the bonnett open. Similar engine, half cut the cambelt, Jammed the carburettor butterflies open so when it starts it justs revs higher and higher and higher... Plus draining his sump and filling the sump with petrol/wallpaper paste mix. Apparantly the explosion gave him 1st degree burns. Serves the cunt right... He still nicks cars... and he'll get whats coming to him... AGAIN
( Goriath, Mon 9 May 2005, 23:40, Reply)

Smoking...
My friend and his girlfriend used to share a house with another bloke (hereafter known as the lanky streak of piss). Mr. Streak had been ordering cigarettes from Spain by post from several different suppliers and exceeded the legal Customs limit several times over.

When he got a letter from HM Customs and Excise saying that they were monitoring his post he decided to cut out the middle man and go get them himself, and organised a trip through the Channel Tunnel to France.

When he got back we laughed as he told us how he got lost and ended up in Belgium instead of France. He did not join our laughter as we pointed out the words "FAG SMUGGLER" which we had written in eight-inch high letters on both sides of his car before he left.

P.S. Have you discovered Wikipedia yet?
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Mon 9 May 2005, 22:06, Reply)

Net Send Crash
One day at college my friend and I were messing with netsend. Sending messages to people on the other side of the lab like 'I can smell your brains' and other childish things.

Then I had the cunning idea of creating a batch file to spam a computer with a message. This obviously resulted in lots of people going to the admin saying my computer has been hacked etc.

The admins were idiots, they didn't even know of netsend, so obviously we abused the power we had.

We started by sending the same message to every computer in the college (some 500).

Then we thought about using the batch file to it's full potential.
We must have waited weeks for the perfect moment. The smart arse in our IT class who didn't actually know that much about computers, but who was a wizz on excel and so got As on all the coursework, left his computer logged on after one lesson.
We pounced. We set off our batch file to spam 'H4><0R3D' to every single computer in the college until the file was stopped. Obviously it took them a good hour to track down the computer which had it on and so we crashed the entire college system.

When they found the owner of the user space they immediately kicked him out of college.

I would feel slightly bad for ruining someones life (he now works in Wilkos full time), but we were bored, and he was a cock.
(Deiwos - Woo I found my old name!, Mon 9 May 2005, 21:57, Reply)

when i am feeling mean
i leave my keys in the door, especially when i know my fat flatmate is going out and its raining. i pretend not to be in. she gets wetter than an otters pocket. mmwwwhahahahahah

apologies for otter abuse
( bertisfantastic bert is a sleepy bear, Mon 9 May 2005, 20:19, Reply)

Word smithing
I used to work for an OTC brokerage firm on Wall Street. For those of you that dont know, OTC (Over The Counter) firms were, at the time, primarily populated with gits.

This one guy, we shall call him Barry, because thats his name, was always trying to sound smarter with his clients and we heard him using some hideously wrong words when speaking to his cients on the phone. So we decided to start a game amongst myself and the other managers:

We each made up a word and tried to get him to use it. We all put in $5 and at the end of the week, if noone won, we picked a new word for the following week and put another $5 in. I won several times as for some reason Barry thought I was a smart guy. My words you may ask? And while asking you might also be wondering what definitions he was given for them?

Fartitional - the action of breaking a stock into smaller, more readily consumed pieces.

Gradiationist - a certain type of securities analyst who uses a gyroscope for determining stock values.

Tertientaryan - A person who believes a stock is the third best in its class.

I won almost $100 playing that game. And all the stupid bastard had to do was check a dictionary. Barry was, without a doubt, one of the biggest toolboxes I have ever known.

Sic Semper Tyrranis!

Sean
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Mon 9 May 2005, 18:27, Reply)

Branded a Pube for life
Our HR department used to have a guy who'll I'll refer to as D.M. (as they were his initials), who was quite a useless piece of crap when it came to his job. He was always running approximately a month behind on any issues, and looked like he worked in a job centre.

Me and my manager had a quick chat about him once, and decided to nickname DM with the word "Pube", as he was as useful as one. So whenever we were talking about HR, the name Pube would come up in conversation, and we'd laff about him at his expense.

So a few weeks later, me manager goes into a general meeting with the rest of the management team, and they mention that DM has handed in his notice. The head of our department (and the boss of the bosses) shouts out;

"What, pubes gone? Why's that?"

Oh dear. Guess we shouldn't have called him that :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 9 May 2005, 17:26, Reply)

oooh and another one.

yesterday evening. nice pub dinner with family and friends (5 adults, 2 nippers). next to us an annoying bint. of the i-don't-like-kids type. i overheard her complaining to her date that we were too noisy.

so i played with 8 month old minibelly. knowing that after a few jumps on my lap he would chuck up. he didn't let me down. well done, son. all over my (6£ tesco) jeans which was dirty anyway.

she passed her dinner to her date...

ha ha.
( bierbelly, Mon 9 May 2005, 16:55, Reply)

Geek *and* psychological warfare.
Geek *and* psychological warfare.

This is a little complicated and the success rate low. If you dont know what SQL is, look away now.

I used to work at a SQL development company. We pronounce SQL as "ess queue el". Some pronounce it "sequel". I don't know the correct way and don't much care.

We hired some serious SQL developers, as we were crap. In the first meeting with them, we had decided that whenever we mention SQL, we were to pronounce it "squell" - and make it look like we always said it like that.

The first mention, and we managed not to even titter, all the new guys looked a little strange. We held their gaze. We said it again, all in the context of the work we were discuss.

That was stage 1. Psychologically it works like this:

New guy hears "squell" and thinks the following:

"oh my god they call it squell, everyone knows its SQL. I've been doing this for years, I'm an expert. Hang on, this is my first day, if I correct them on something so fundamental, I'm going to look like a twat. I'll stay quiet"

Stage 2.

New guy starts to use the term squell in the meeting. Stage 2 accomplished if no one reacts/titters/laughs.

Stage 3 - the best bit.

The new guy starts properly and meets the rest of the staff - importantly, they are not in on the joke. He establishes himself and starts work. At some point, remembering how "they say it round here" he will use the term himself. The existing member of staff now thinks:

"He's a new guy but I know he's an expert. I could have sworn its pronounced 'sequel' but I'll defer to him, after all, he's an expert. I won't correct him because I dont want to upset the guy. I will now refer to SQL as Squell. "

At this point, the staff member uses the term to the new guy, thus reinforcing his own thoughts.

This will then escalate until everyone uses it.


Note: You can of course use any sort of term that fits in. It just works nicely with SQL.
For example, the unix vi program. "vee aye" or "vye" or "Vee" or anything.

Apologies for length. Ha ha not really.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Mon 9 May 2005, 16:27, Reply)

the unborn
I like to sabotage pregnancies by punching women who are up the duff in the stomach and then kicking them repeatedly until the foetus just pops out.

Not actually true. It never pops out!
(Mong-the-Merciful, Mon 9 May 2005, 16:24, Reply)

everyone probably does it
but i like to give drivers wrong directions when they pull over ask me where such and such is...
(donotresus, Mon 9 May 2005, 16:05, Reply)

Mine was simple but I was proud of it.
In our secondary school, we used to have to vacate the building for the lunch hours - probably insurance reasons, but on a rainy day, I mean, c'mon...

In protest I placed stinkbombs in the door jamb (in the hole for the latch) of every top floor doorway. Come end of lunch, all the doors closed on returned classes, and the latches popped a floors worth of them at pretty much the same time.

All credit to the staff, they called an impromptu "fire drill" to cover up the evacuation!
( WhoElse I'm what Willis was talking about, Mon 9 May 2005, 16:04, Reply)

not so much sabotage as revenge
noisy neighbours ? wont be quiet, no matter how nice you are to them ?

put napalm death cd on repeat, turn stereo up loud and go away for the weekend.

neighbours decided to not be quite so loud from then on.
( pregnantfridge, Mon 9 May 2005, 15:04, Reply)

Amusing things with toilets #1
In my less mature days in Uni halls I asked a foreign student if I could use his toilet. He didn’t have a problem with this, but that’s because he didn't know what I was going to use it for...

I proceeded to empty a whole box (24) WheatABix in to the bowl. And then fled the scene.

I'm sure you all know what 1 wheatabix does to a bowl of milk! 24 pretty much clogs a ubend permanently. To this day I’m still not sure if he knew it was wheatabix or if his language skills were up to explaining this occurrence to the caretaker.

For those slightly more evil than me (only slightly) you can try the same trick with cement powder!
(bambo, Mon 9 May 2005, 14:50, Reply)

One of my housemates at university
used to lock his bedroom door whenever he left the house. This annoyed the rest of us: didn't he trust us, or was he hiding something in there that he didn't want us to see? Either way, he had to be punished for his hubris. Luckily a local jokeshop was able to supply a nice stash of fart spray, which we liberally pumped through the keyhole every time he went out. He started to get paranoid about the smell that awaited him on his return and convinced himself that he was such a smelly-footed troll that his shoes were generating this niff. Hee hee hee. We did break it to him. Eventually. After 10 years.
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Mon 9 May 2005, 14:28, Reply)

for no reason
a mars bar shoved down the back of a mates pants, when he passed out from too much beer(etc). room full of people all knew what had happened, but said mate never even mentioned it the next day. the chortling did commence.
( pregnantfridge, Mon 9 May 2005, 14:25, Reply)

harmless fun.
I squirted oil on rod hull`s roof then kicked a football at his tv aerial.
(widdy, Mon 9 May 2005, 14:24, Reply)

Holiday fun ........
santering into my sisters room at early dawn to inform her that Santa had in fact been to visit was always a holiday highlight for me in our house (in the days of yore mind you, when I was 10 and she was an "ickle 8 year old".

Especially when she would bound down stairs in fits of excitment to find out that it was actually Easter and the dog had got her egg.

Turns out it didn'y actually have to Easter after that and she would fall for the same seasonal sabotage about 4 times a year for the next 3 years.

Laugh, I almost shat. So did my Dad when he found out why he kept on finding her crying in the middle of the lounge floor first thing on a morning.
(Tim K, Mon 9 May 2005, 14:11, Reply)