I'm afraid it's overdue, sir
When I was 16 I went along to a jazz / blues jam night that's legendary around the parts I live, and when suitably lubricated plonked myself down next the the pianist and started up a duet. A couple of hours later, pissed, he said "you're brilliant, and I'm a piano teacher - I'll teach you for free".

Being an opportunist, I called him and asked for my first free lesson, and reluctantly he agreed.

After a few months, the lessons were turning into all day sessions - a spot of piano, drinking tea, smoking weed, discussing quantum theory, etc. - and we fell in love. It was a meeting of minds - he was my *soulmate*.

We eventually had 'THE CHAT' and he admitted that yes, he felt the same, but was worried about my age. When I turned 17, he decided it was vaguely respectable (he was 31) and we got it together with a very steamy kiss.

Imagine my disappointment when we had our first night together and discovered he couldn't perform!!

This went on for long enough for it to become apparent that he was impotent. Whether it was the copious amount of drugs he smoked or the fact he was harbouring guilt about the age difference, nothing changed the fact that any erection he could muster soon ran away when it came time to do the deed.

Miraculously, despite never having consummated our relationship, I got pregnant - close contact and pre-ejaculatory fluid and all that.

Bastard.

And then we had our first great fuck!

After some agonising, I had an abortion, and lo and behond the impotence returned. We tried everything - nurses uniforms, sexy lingerie, pr0n, the lot - and finally, we found something that worked for him. The librarian.

If I put my hair in a bun and dressed demurely in tweeds and blouse over some nice underwear, he could manage a decent session.

After a couple of years, this started giving me serious issues - the ONLY thing that could give him a hard on was the librarian outfit. I'm fairly easy on the eye and have a good figure - you know, tiny waist, big tits, not a spot of cellulite - but started thinking it *must* be me in my youth and naivety.

Needless to say I took what was left of my self esteem and bailed out finally after 3 years.

Only to find myself a few months later in another disastrous relationship where my boyfriend wouldn't sleep with me. The reason became clear when I found a bottle proclaiming itself as WARTEX - FOR THE TREATMENT OF GENITAL WARTS! yet the fella still tried to deny that he had anything wrong with him - instead claiming that I gave him issues - was 'too much like a porn star'. There went another one.

The next fella I started a relationship with also turned out to have some weird aversion to sex - he'd sit up all night watching porn, but wouldn't do the real thing. Again, I tried my best - did the outfits, tried to satisfy any whim - but unless it was wanking over porn, he couldn't perform. Over time coming home to find him in the front room tugging his todger began to grate, and I told him I was going to leave.

He begged me to stay, and then suggested that the answer to all our problems would be to go to a swingers club. If I recall correctly, I told him that I wanted to have sex with HIM, not watch him shagging some saggy old swinger and that it really wasn't going to happen.

We'd bought a house by this point, but I bit the bullet and called it a day after a happy evening giggling myself stupid as he followed a trannie round a club with his tongue hanging out. The trannie was a bit freaked out, bless.

Finally, a while later I joined a band and at the invitation of one of the members, went out and got smashed on his coke which is something that I would never usually take and never will again, blacked out, and came round in a very comprimising position with him the next morning.

My angst over my out of control behaviour brought me very close to his best friend (also in the band), and we've been together ever since.

He has the decency to give me a good seeing to every night - despite the fact that we only got together after I did the deed with his now ex- best mate. Ouch. I still feel bad about that.

Any of that mad enough for you?
( kitty_cat, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 20:10, closed)