Nuttier than it sounds... No Really
A few years ago, I gave this as a present to several friends and relatives. To this day, it's still a source of incredulity, discussion and hilarity.

How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

Trust me...
( Tepid_Halibut felt like a cold, empty shell of a human...until, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 22:55, 3 replies)

I'd buy my
dysfunctional lot a box of 200 arsenic teabags .Fucking mongos the lot of them.

My beautiful boy is getting a big ol scalextic set though.
( bane, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 22:36, 2 replies)

Yesterday

I had a bone-marrow transplant after re-lapsing this last August. All I want is my bed and my cat , to chill with my family for a while and a nice pair of norks to keep me company as i convalesce. Heaven right there my friend! Oh - and it could,'t hurt none of she were in stockings, or even in a stocking, or....or... BOTH!
(goorf, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 22:36, 10 replies)

My loved one
I'm buying my lovely girlfriend Clarissa a teddy bear, a few condoms, a shake weight, and diamond earings! We've been together for 3 1/2 years. Our annaversery is May 27th..I love her very much. I might even get her flowers and chocolates.
(ami2weird4u I have 10 penises., Thu 26 Nov 2009, 22:06, 2 replies)

This year
I've got a bad habit of buying the little things I want, when I want, so that there's never anything (within reason) that I can suggest people get me when xmas or birthdays roll around. This year I'm trying something new.

I have bought some pictures to liven up the walls in my house, and given them to my parents to get framed for me, the (to specification) framing being as a present. An optional second present can be the cost of the prints, if someone wants to offer that.
I've also bought a Logitech G13 keypad and am going to wrap it up for myself, and whoever is stuck for an idea can deposit the appropriate amount in my bank and gets to write their name in the "From" box. (I bought this myself rather than making it a suggested present as I figured I could find it cheaper than most relatives, and the like! Has been sitting here unopened and tempting me for a good week now, though...)
I'm hoping this will work out well, anyway, and might try and encourage others to do the same. It will avoid disappointment, unwanted gifts and also the inevitable "compromise" presents, where you ask for one thing, and a well-meaning gift-giver gets you something similar, just not what you wanted. Yes I'm thinking of this here ;) www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCUqlM65osc
( Boras the anachronism, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 22:05, Reply)

All I want for Christmas....
is Russell Brand's new dvd "Scandalous", the new Adrian Mole book by Sue Townsend, a subsciption to Q magazine, some leather gloves (in a swish colour), some Freya underwear, Editors, Redman and Method Man, Fleetwood Mac and Calvin Harris cds. Chances of getting such presents = slim to none.

Everyone else will get what they are given, unless they meet my demands above.
(Pumba Look for the red flashing light again... no!!!!!, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 21:00, 9 replies)

Irish Cousin
For xmas I'm getting my cousin some tickets to South Africa next summer.

He deserves it the Lisbon treaty voting potato muncher.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 20:51, Reply)

Warring families...
Our daughter is about to experience her first Christmas, and what's more she'll be old enough to appreciate the fun of it, given that her first birthday is only a few days afterwards.

The only problem is her grandparents.

My folks are coming to visit, but they've already sent the present on ahead and it's fucking massive. I have no idea what it is, but on box size alone I'm guessing it's an African elephant on growth hormones. All well and good, apart from the lack of anywhere to put the damn thing, however it being in our house means that my inlaws have seen it...

COMPETITION TIME!

Both sets of grandparents are now intent on having regular updates as to what the other is planning to get / has already got, each trying to upstage the other for their granddaughter's first Chrimbo. To make matters worse, my folks are staying with us and the missus parents live five minutes down the road so they'll all be in the bloody house to smirk at each other and start a war over what present curries the most favour.

Solution: Lady Doom and I are buying our daughter a cardboard box. She fucking loves boxes and giggles like a mental whenever she's allowed to play with one.

Fuck spending a fortune on presents, it's not worth it, not for a baby, not for an adult. The best Christmas present this year is going to be a cardboard box.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 26 Nov 2009, 20:34, 8 replies)

For the evil step-mother..
I shall be getting her this.

www.lulu.com/content/4956212

I'm sure she will love it and be even nicer to me from now on. I reckon it will make my dads semen even more attractive.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 20:09, 10 replies)

Concubine Masturbator
If anyone wants an awesome present for a mate/brother/granddad/uncle/nephew.... check out these bad boys! One of the weirdest contraptions I've ever seen... Bit pricey though:

www.sexshop365.co.uk/catalog/sex-toys-for-men-307/masturbators-143/concubine-masturbator-3043.html

Weirdly, we actually have a box of fake vaginas we are trying to shift, a lot cheaper than the Concubine too!
www.blagamillion.com/schemes/fake-vaginas-for-sale/
(burnside, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 19:59, 2 replies)

Pen
My dad always gets a pen for xmas from me.
Conviniently enough the following year, around the 18th of december this pen goes missing.
On christmas day my dad opens his present and finds a pen identical to the one that went missing.

Even the end of the pen is chewed, just like the one that went missing.
(stitched, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 19:56, Reply)

My 21st
For my 21st a couple of months ago i got a £300 TV which was quite nice. But the next day I had to pay my parents rent of £300 which just makes it seem like I bought my self the TV
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 19:55, Reply)

Squashed Toys...
Well, last year I bought my sister a Road Kill Toy and as it seemed to go down quite well, she's getting another this year :)
Here's what she's getting this year:

They're awesome - come in a little body bag, with a death certificate and toe-tag! And you can push the innards into them and do up little zippers to hide the really gory bits! Awesome toy!
Not got a clue what to get for the rest of the family, Gran's getting a digital photo frame but clueless about the rest!
( Alex Save a Tree, Eat a Beaver!, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 19:20, 9 replies)

Calendar
Well; I did a nude calendar for my wife.... I'll either get a very good or a very bad response. At the moment I'm really unsure as to which way this will go. I used one of the best erotic photographers the country has and it has cost a fortune. Perhaps I should just have bought her a car (Its what I would have got her, had I not come up with this idea!). I had some 600 shots to sift through to get the 12 for the calendar, but in the end the result seems (to me) to be as good as you would get.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 19:14, 9 replies)

How to win the respect and love of people with chilldren or not
I am the proud owner of 1 great nephew and 2 great nieces at the grand old age of 35. Fab kids really and when they start being little shits I hand them back to their Mum and Dad, and with a happy cry of farewell, run away leaving them with carnage.
This year to aid the peace and calm of christmas, they from me will be getting....
Boy aged 4 Penguin Pile Up Game Guaranteed to cause at least 1 tamtrum
Girl aged 2 Mini drum kit And why not?
Girl aged 6 months 6 pairs of cow design socks in an egg carton. Just because I can.
HA
(datcat Millions of cats, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 19:06, Reply)

A serial rapist
The gift that just keeps on giving. Whether you like it or not.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 18:47, Reply)

Snuggie
I've ordered one of these for my flatmate:

Snuggie

I love everything about it... including the website.
( awayfromthenumbers, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 18:17, 14 replies)

6 months Car Tax
+ Bills 'n' bills 'n' bills.

Genuinely, I'll most probs be lucky if I've got £20 to my name by December the 2nd and that's before beginning to get the presents in.

I've told my family I'm very happy for everyone close to just get a few small things for me daughter (she's only 2), as seeing her happy is my main concern.

*gets down from soapbox*

PS Merry Chrimbo you dodgy fuckers :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 17:43, Reply)

Christmas
is cancelled.

Bah-Humbug!

Nah seriously, it is!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 17:21, 1 reply)

My little sister is 17.
This has made me just ask her what she wants for Christmas.

She wants a Bratz doll.

She was serious. She collects them.
(Melody was not PMSing on, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 17:18, 7 replies)

after many years of suffering
i've learned to ask my family what they want, as well as telling them what i want. this avoids such "comedy" gifts as a head polishing kit for dad, an apron with a cock on it for mum and an inflatable bra for my titless sister.

NOTHING will make up for mum and dad buying me - in all seriousness - a retractable washing line for christmas 5 years ago.
seriously, wtf?
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 17:10, 4 replies)

I bought Mrs Duck some La Sensa sexy undies
I took one of her friends with me so I didn't fall into the "blokes buying stuff that a whore would think vulgar" trap

And very sexy they are too, She did remark that it was a present more for me than her and it's a gift that keeps on giving as I get to unwrap her over and over again ;)
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 17:04, 1 reply)

My Mam is getting...
...something with BAILEYS emblazoned across it. Same as every year.
(Melody was not PMSing on, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 17:01, 2 replies)

My Mum's favourite gift is a visit to the All You Can Eat buffet in the next town.
We drive over, stuff ourselves, wander round the nearby mall and get home in time for tea. Marvelous.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 17:00, Reply)

My Dad's gift of gifts
My das's gift buying skills are appalling, couple of examples festive torture.

He bought my mother rubber gloves and odour eaters. Hilarious.

He bought me when I was 11 or 12 a patchwork leather bag. The type of thing one might see in the News of World Sunday magazine. Tasteful.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 16:58, Reply)

A word of warning.....
When you ask your Wife or Girlfriend what they would like for Christmas, and they say “Oh nothing much” or something similar, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSATANCES TAKE THIS AS THE TRUTH!!!!! Believe me, I speak from experience.

One year I took my Girlfriend on her word. She asked for ‘nothing much’ and that is exactly what she got.

“You’re not going to be seeing me for a while” were the last words I remember her saying on Christmas day. She was right too – but by New Year I could just about see out of my left eye.
(marcooosa has no idea what a board sig is, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 16:52, 5 replies)