GIRLFRIEND-HERDING, SEXY PANTS, AND SOMETHING JUST PLAIN WRONG
Its all about testing the water...

...and trying not to loose your cool in this veritable cornucopia of sweet, lovely, marvellous, amazing filth...

"Oohh, you'd look nice in that," I say, reaching for a rather plain looking bra and pants set off the shelf.

Ms Hanky studies it for a moment, "Hmmm." and moves on.

And I do this for a few minutes, being the helpful underwear consultant - I try and molest and rub my filthy paws over every gusset and bra cup in the shop, just knowing that one day, one fateful day, something warm and fuckable is gonna press against where my hands have just been. And all the time I'm doing a spot of girlfriend-sexy-underwear-herding; trying to direct Liz to the utter filth section, working up to the dirtiest, ludest peep-hole bra and crotchless knickers set I can find, the sort of thing that can get a woman pregnant just by looking at it. Eventually, having started on the unsexy Russian shotputter type of gear, I hold up the ultimate utter filth in fabric form and say hopefully: "How about this?" You never know, nothing ventured nothing gained and all that twattery.

Ms Hanky regards it for a moment like I'm holding up the lifeless form of a baby I've just casually raped to death: "I'm looking for a bra for work, Spanky. I work with little kids. That is not really appropriate, is it?" and she walks off.

Leaving me standing in the middle of the lingerie section, sweaty and unshaven, my trembling fingers absently poking through the slit in the crotch of the panties.

Fuck.

This makes me look a bit of a perv, I think.

I follow after Liz. She's got a handful of bras to try on. Apparently she doesn't know the size of her tits - odd, I just hope her breasts never hold up a bank; I could describe them in great detail to a police artist and come up with a remarkably accurate composite photofit.

"I'm going to go and try these on," she says. Seeing I'm pathetically holding the dirty lingerie still, she takes pitty on me and says: "We'll get that too."

I perk up and go a little bit hard. Result!

And off Liz goes to try stuff on, I trail after, watch her disappear into the changing cubicle via the mirror they have up on the wall, and then I hang round outside the changing rooms, trying to feign an interest in the ladies clothes hanging on the racks there. After ten seconds of this and noticing the Gestapo shop guard they have there has pissed off for a fag or something, I amble round the corner, go into the changing area bit, find the correct cubicle - there was only Liz in there - and I tap gently on the thin wooden door...

"Hey!!!" I whisper urgently. And I say as romatically as humanly possible: "Can I come in and play with your cunt for a bit?" Cassanova's got nothing on me.

No response...

"Looking at all this underwear has got me well and truly in the mood for a quickie. How about it?"

I hear her moving round inside, she probably hasn't heard me.

I push open the door slightly and -

...assess the situation...

...and then I take the only sensible option...

...I run...

like the fucking wind.

And hide in the manly man section of the shop, usuing the big winter coats to shield me. It was here I figured out that looking in the mirror for Liz's cubicle fucked up my orentation. What with everything being reversed in the reflection I'd approached the wrong fucking cubicle...

Eventually I see Liz queuing up to pay. I go up and tap her on the shoulder: "I'll be waiting outside," I say, and fuck off sharpish.

And as I'm going out I see her, the girl I've just propositioned. And I put my head down and make my escape Steve McQueen style.

She was tugging onto her mum's sleeve when she saw me, her eyes wide with fear, she very nearly dropped her packet of crisps.

She must've been eight or nine years old...

Attempts at public sex should come with a health warning - its detrimental to your health being buggered in the showers of a prison by a bloke from Brixton named Dwayne...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 10:46, 11 replies)

Haha...!

Brilliant, as ever sir...

*auto-clicks*

You know, while you were working on this gem...I was working on another post of my own.

Keep your eyes peeled, mate - it may hold some interest for you...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:05, closed)

Please tell me its the time
Brian 'Killer' Kilcline fiddled with your chocolate starfish when you were a kid???

Fuck me... Got kiddie fiddling on the brain today...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:07, closed)

*Clicks* this
Just for the Brian Kilcline reference - that man had hair of which we could all be jealous.
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:15, closed)

He came to my
school in Coventry when I was a kid.

I spent the next few days wondering why Jesus had visited us, and why he was doing footie tricks in the schoolyard for our amusement...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:16, closed)

You got Kilcline?
Unreal. We had a visitor from Cov City at our school too (albeit a few years later).

Did we get an FA Cup-winning captain, though?

Nope - we got Paul Williams. And he was on crutches.
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:35, closed)

Paul Williams???
Fuck me, that's bad...

He was, I think the correct techinical football term is, absolute shit...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 12:05, closed)

christ on a (childrens) bike
clickidy click

one of these days you're going to get yourself into a spot of serious bother!
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:19, closed)

HeeHeeHee!
Another classic, Spanky!
(Grrrrr Tigers, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:32, closed)

This is great!
But disturbing too... you are a weird, sick fucker - but I mean that as a compliment! Click!
(Lizard King, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:33, closed)

bloody hell man, will the extent of you genius never end.
clicky.
( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Tue 28 Apr 2009, 13:17, closed)

Cheers
but genius isn't the word you're looking for.

I think you'll find its 'twat'.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 13:30, closed)