I sent a text to a friend of mine a few weeks ago, telling her she was a sad sad woman.
Harsh maybe, but she had texted me about how great American Gladiators is, so I think it was deserved.

She texted back to tell me I must be sadder for loving a sad person.

My reply: Ahhhhhhh.... but love is butter melon cauliflower, and there's nothing sad about fruit 'n veg. Or dairy products for that matter.

So there you go. My answer to this QOTW. May I point out I did it the right way.

May we have a new question now?
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 11:58, Reply)

I thought the puns would make me laugh
but of the handfull of posts I read, no pun in 10 did.


sigh.
(Tibble off the crack since, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 11:40, 6 replies)

Tufnell Park tube station
7:30 am this morning. No fucker there.

Got on the tube. Had a whole carriage to myself.

Got off at Euston. There could've been tumbleweeds blowing across the platform, it was that deserted.

I enquired politely of the guard: "Quiet today - what the fucks going on?"

He replies: "Shhhhh! It's underground..."

(Fuck me, this is terrible... I haven't felt this dirty since the night I picked up Tina 'Manchild' Jones... Oh, and the tube was fucking packed as always this morning. Some cunt was jiggling with my testicles with his briefcase, as fucking always)...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 11:11, 1 reply)

I need help...
What's the best thing about sex with twenty four year olds?

There's twenty of them...
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 11:00, Reply)

One final one
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
(Banjax, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 10:58, Reply)

A German guy
approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit
you"

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 quid an hour"

"Is goot" says the German, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky"

"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four
large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs
to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and after all
the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the
energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the
most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before
she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call
that?"



"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"
(Banjax, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 10:55, 2 replies)

Count Dracula
is on the pull round town one night. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering down the street sometime before sunrise.

Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He turns round and sees nothing, but at his feet there is a small sausage roll. "Mmm" he thinks "Vhat is going on here?"

A few yards further on and.... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quickly as he can, nothing but a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!

A few yards further along the street and... CRASH! Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round again. Nothing! He's getting really angry now and only half surprised to notice a cocktail sausage lying on the ground.

He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing. He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist, he turns round quickly. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle.

On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a female. With his dying breath he gasps, "who the fack are you?"

She replies:

Buffet, Buffet the Vampire Slayer
(Banjax, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 10:53, 1 reply)

With apologies to the chairman of the board
And now, the end is near;
It’s time to get, a brand new question.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.

I’ve read this question through.
I’ve read everything you’ve had to say;
And noticed this, and only this,
You did it the wrong way.

Good puns, I’ve found a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I noticed each and every slip;
Each dreadful joke on this in-formation highway,
And noticed this, and only this,
You did it the wrong way

Yes, there were times, Im sure you knew
When I laughed, but they were few.
But through it all, there was no doubt,
You fucked it up, you blew it out.
I faced it all and still you all;
Did it the wrong way.

Ive groaned, Ive cursed and cried.
And I feel you’ve been abusing.
And the few, good puns aside,
I found nothing too amusing.

To think I did all that;
And it was gay – (not in a good way),
Oh B3ta, with a three,
You did it the wrong way.

For what is a question, what has it got?
Well this one, really has naught.
To say the things it truly asked;
Very few managed the task.
The record shows this question blows -
You did it the wrong way.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 10:51, 9 replies)

Better late than never
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims by playing classical music that they would gladly offer themselves up to be his next meal just to get away from it?

His Bach was worse than his bite
(Banjax, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 10:50, Reply)

I've just had an excellent cup of Earl Grey
It was tea-riffic. An absolutly mugnificant cuppa.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 10:41, 6 replies)

I am tempted
to go through this thread and put every single person who doesn't know what a pun is (with one notable exception, because even the best of us are allowed to make mistakes) on ignore.

That should also help filter out the shit from future QOTWs too.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 10:29, 13 replies)

What we need is a forum where we can
exchange views and opinions about what's best as QOTW topics. Somewhere we can get heated in a safe environment without actually comming to blows, where the dangers of any physical contact are negated completely. How about introducing a cash prize for the B3tan who wins QOTW? And how about a forefit if someone comes up with the shittest post of the week, something nice and tame like a good shooting... Only we'd all have to agree on who wins and who gets the bullet.

Yep.

We need to mass-debate until we reach a mutually satisfactory money-shot situation.



Fuck me... I'm so sorry...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 10:19, 7 replies)

More Fluffeh ... by popularish demand

( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 10:13, 5 replies)

Oh I've got one
Does anyone remember a good few years back when Gianni Versace got shot?

The Daily Sport ran a headline of "Shoots You Sir!" whereas all the other papers ran headlines like "Leading Fashion Designer Gunned Down at Home" because they were actually places where journalists work to try and report news stories rather than a thinly veiled attempt to disguise a soft porn magazine as a respectable daily newspaper for retarded builders who are too chickenshit to simply stump up the money for a copy of razzle and don't understand that you can get all the free grot you want off the internet.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 9:46, 10 replies)

How do you make a QOTW message bored???
Get the punters to post shit unoriginal puns for seven days...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 9:23, 7 replies)

This'll kill ya!!
Wenn ist das nunstruck git und Slottermaier?
Ja beiherhund das oder die Flipperwaldt gerspurt!!


...

That's for all the bad puns..
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 8:32, 3 replies)

If Pooflake or SpankyHanky don't win this week...
Then I'm some currently trendy yet rather irritating footwear fashioned from pork.

You could say:
I'm ham Ugg.

(and no good at puns!)

Edit:
I feel that I should include apeloverage in this although sadly, I haven't seen too many of his posts this week.
( squirrels emit silent screams has updog, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 8:28, 4 replies)

Thank fuck it's Thursday
And we can get this sorry excuse for a topic off. Most boring week on here evAh.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 7:42, 1 reply)

what's blue, and smells like yellow paint ?

Blue paint.
( dogfish, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 7:27, 3 replies)

Assorted foreign-language pun pearoasts
My most treasured possession: An empty medicine bottle
Cougars and Sugar Daddies: Bovine tourism
Public Transport Trauma: On a bus in Germany
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 2:06, Reply)

Inspired by Rakky's earlier post...
Inspired by this post, I ended up digging through my digital archives for a list of 'literal jokes' that was circulating several years ago. Here they are. Enjoy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a camel with three humps ?
A mutant.

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo ?
A mass of confused DNA.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains.
That's unusual.

My dog's got no nose.
I know, I mutilated it.

What's the differenc between an Elephant and a Postbox?
An elephant is a large grey pachyderm and postboxes, whilst varying in colour from country to country, are recepticles for mail you wish to be sent somewhere by traditional surface or airborne methods.

There were two peanuts walking down the road, and one of them was ... ASSAULTED peanut! Ho, ho, ho.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Donna
Donna who?
Donna the girl from next door
Oh! THAT Donna! Come on in!

There were two nuns sitting on a bench in a park when a guy in a dirty brown mac came up to them and flashed them. One of the nuns had a stroke, the other had a minor coronary but both pulled through ok.

What has three legs, four eyes, is green and purple and eats sheep?
We don't know exactly what yet but our people at the research laboratory are trying to clssify it right now, the provisional latin name is "eldarus creepycrawlius" and if we're really lucky we may well have a whoole new species on our hands!!

Two men standing in front of a shop window. One man point to a shirt and says 'Thats the one I'd get'. Just then, a cyclops comes around the corner and says 'Personally, i prefer the mohair sweater in navy blue'.

2 lesbians in the bath..
one says "where's the soap?"
and the other says" we've run out so I'm using shower gel"

knock knock
come in.

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but he may need a step ladder if the ceiling is very high

What has four legs and goes woof?
Most breeds of dog, except the daschund which gives out more of a yelp.

Waiter waiter there's a fly in my soup.
I'm very sorry Sir, I don't know how this can have happened. Please let me bring you a fresh bowl. Complentary of the restaurant of course.

Where do policemen live?
I'm afraid most of their addresses are ex-directory.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
It might take two in the case of a striplight and possibly two if the ladder is high (if reqired) and they are observing safety guidelines... The Lightbulb-Change Institute is currently researching this matter...

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.

Why did the chicken cross the road ?
It probably might have liked a change of scenery, but on the whole you can't tell with an animal.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Try asking him his name and then you'll know.

Two nuns in a darkened room:
One says "Where's the candle?"
The other replies "In the top drawer, next to the matches. But it's too dark in here to see that, so you'd better switch the light on first."

A piece of string was in a pub.
The barman said to the piece of string "Are you a piece of string? Cos if you are, I won't serve you.
The piece of string, of course, being an inanimate object, did not reply.

An irishman was sitting in a field one day and didn't fall off as gravity was holding him quite firmly in position.

Three men, an Irishman, and Englishman and a Scotsman, went to a football match. It was between Manchester United and Glasgow Rangers, so naturally there was a bit of rivalry. The Englishman said "Manchester United are the best team in Britain". The Scotsman said "Och man nae, Rangers are the most bonnie team in the land!". The Irishman then said "Well I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with my English friend as there are some very good Irish players in the Manchester team. I am a big fan of Roy Keane, you know."

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a elephant ?
It is very unlikly that they can crossbred together, being types of different animals.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In barracks of course.

Where do you weigh a whale?
At a special facility where there is equipment for the weighing of large blubberous seabound mammals.

How do you get two whales in a Mini?
You can't very easily, unless they're very small whales indeed, in which case all that is required it to saw the top off the Mini, fill it with water and place the aqueous mammals therein.

Two dyslexic skiers got lost on the slopes, so they asked a man:
"Where's the ski lift?"
"I don't know, I'm a tobogganist"
"Oh. Thanks anyway"

Did you hear about the essex girl who made a mistake while using her
word processor?
She pressed the back arrow key and deleted the incorrectly spelt word and carried on with the work in very reasonable time.

There was an english man, a scotsman and a german flying in an aeroplane when they suddenly noticed they were running out of fuel. They all rushed to the back of the aeroplane and found there were only 2 parachutes. After arguing who should be left without a parachute the quick witted german jumped out of the plane with both parachutes. He landed safely only getting a slight twisted ankle and a bit of bruising on his knee.

My dog has no nose. He lost it in an unfortunate incident involving a badger, a man trap and a remington fuzz-away...

What were the Poles doing in Russia in the 1940s?
Holding up the telegraph wires.

What did the irishman call his pet zebra?
Frank

What`s worse than finding a worm in an apple?
Well, quite a lot of things, actually.

There was an englishman, Irishman and a scotsman on a train and they all safely reached their destinations and went about their business.

Why do women have legs?
Because natural selection and refinement of genes down through millions of years of evolution have determined that legs are an adaquate means of propelling the female of the Homo Sapiens Sapiens species from location to location.

How does an Irishman change a light bulb?
Push up gently, rotate about 10' anticlockwise, remove. Get new bulb, align with the notches, push up gently but firmly, rotate about 10' clockwise and let go.

Did you hear about the Irish paper shop?
It did very well under the Governmental Small Businesses scheme and eventually established a chain.

Did you hear about the incontinent camel?
It had a severe urinary complaint so the vet vas called out and after successfully completing a course of tablets, it vas better and able to behave in its usual manner.

What was the Irishman doing in the front of the car?
Driving.

Did you hear about the Irish tree surgeon?
He's very good actually, he removed the old oak tree from the bottom of my garden, I'd recommend him in fact.

Did you hear about the monk and the prostitute?
They did very little, and the prostitute eventually stormed off after a fierce moralistic argument

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was part of the invasion force and was on its way to take out a large miltary base.

How do you know if there's an elephant in your bed?
The bed collapses, the floor sags, and the people on the floor below lodge an official complaint. Plus, the sheets are at least 5' above their normal position and draped over a large wrinkly grey object.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, as they are easily capable of such mundane tasks. However, the time taken does vary for the bayonet fitting variety, when they have to attach the necessary items to their rifles.

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
A mess.

What did the big tap say to the little tap?
Drip.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 1:39, 4 replies)

My English teacher asked me for an example of a 'double entendre'...
...so I gave her one!
(TheBowlOfPetunias : "Oh no, not again...", Thu 12 Mar 2009, 1:29, 1 reply)

my last pun i promise
an old women is sat on the bus behind two young italian men, listening in on the following convosation.....

(please read this as its spelt)

emma comes first,
thena i
thena botha es
thena i
thena botha es
thena i
thena pee
thena i

women: thats disgusting how you can both talk about sex with his girlfriend like that!!

italian man: noa youa missa understanda me, i was telling my frienda how to spell mississipi
(gingerbollocks 'happy and content' since, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 1:26, 2 replies)

one more
as jade goodie is being cremated, she has asked that everyone who is attending her funeral to be given a little satin pouch filled with her ashes. there're being called 'goodie bags'
(gingerbollocks 'happy and content' since, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 1:07, Reply)

and again
2 parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other, can you smell fish?
(gingerbollocks 'happy and content' since, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 1:03, Reply)

2 cats
i cant spell in french so if you read it as you see it, it might be funnier?

one english cat called 'one two three'
and
one french cat called 'une deux twa'

they dicide to have a race accross the river

who won?

the english cat won
because the french cat

'une deux twaa catre sanc'
(gingerbollocks 'happy and content' since, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 1:02, Reply)

might as well


seeing as everyone else is..


man walks into a butchers..

"give us a pound of kidleys please" . . . .he says

"what? surely you mean 'kidneys'" . . . says the butcher somewhat miffed..

"well that's what I said didlle I" . . . sayith the man, straight faceith...

I think next weeks question, or is it this weeks ? should be amusing newspaper headlines...
(The Cats Twat, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 23:54, 1 reply)

This QOTW reminds me of my schooldays
Back when I was doing my GCSEs I really struggled to figure out how and when to get my studying done. Luckily two friends of mine really helped me out so I ended up doing OK. I've put a picture of the three of us below. That was a long time ago now of course, I've got a job in insurance and my two mates are a funeral director and a druggie respectively (shame that).




That's me and the coroner
That's me and the pot guy
Choosing my revision
( GarbageFan didn't know what to have as a board sig on, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 22:35, 6 replies)

Shop Haunting
Have a pearoast

When he was a bit younger, my brother got a part time job at a fishmonger's. Really unpleasant work - gutting fish, throwing away the guts and making them look presentable for the customers. The owner of the shop used to pay well though, purely because the job sucked and that was the only way he'd get someone to stay there long enough. Fish gutting and scaling is an art, and you need practice in order to stay good at it.

Now, having spent a bit too much on beer one week, brother dear was needing some overtime pay. And stayed late for three nights in a row, catching up on fish gutting. Nothing happened on the first two nights. On the third night, so I'm told, it was creepy. It was summer, but the inside of the shop was cold. Not just the fish storage or the counter but the whole shop. This wasn't solved even by turning the heating on.

He kept hearing whispers. Fragments of words in the background, always coming from the shop front. Every time he went out there, no-one was there. Obviously, after a while you'd get a bit creeped out.

After finishing up, he heard the whisper one last time, saying something like "hello?". He went out to check... and saw something there. A thing, in a black robe, transparent. Like the stereotypical image you have of Death. But stinking of fish.

It stuck a finger out at him and said in a loud clear voice.

"I'VE COME FOR YOUR SOLE"
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 21:51, Reply)

THIS IS ABOUT MATHS, TURN AWAY NOW
My Engineering Mathematics lecturer (all good stories start like this) was explaining how to convert from cartesian to polar co-ordinates during multiple integral calculus doing mathsy things.

In his west country accent, he went on to explain
"... so you get arrrr de arrr de theeterrrr"

and kept repeating "arrr de arrr de theeterrrr"
amongst many a titter from the group of students in the lecture room.

It was the closest approximation to pirate maths I am ever likely to encounter.

Also, seeing as that was a fairly dreadfull story, have a joke:
A mathematician and an engineer were each tied to chairs. A naked woman stood an equal distance from both of them. The two men were told that the distance between them and the woman would be halved every five minutes. The mathematician cries out "Oh no! I'll never get there! I'll just keep getting closer until I'm an infinitesimal distance away."
The engineer calmly states "I'll get close enough for all practical purposes"
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 21:44, 1 reply)