So my wife and I are limping through A&E on a Saturday night, like y'do...
...we're on our way to have our first baby, and I've got The Bag full of snacks, CDs, birthplan and baby clothes. My wife's got the contractions and a vice-like grip on my arm. There's a lift past A&E to the Maternity suite on the 13th floor. We are both working hard at not freaking out since her water's broke about 20 minutes previously (THAT'S when we knew they weren't 'phantom' contractions)

So we make it through the madness of A&E, there's a lift up to 13, we stagger/shuffle towards it, me coaxing all the way.

Press the button. Wait. Wait. Lift comes. Limp inside, press the button, wait, wait, wait, doors slowly close, young bloke and GF appear, catch the doors, get in, and press the button for the next floor up!

I mutter something Victor Meldrew-like to myself like "Ack! Getting a lift for one floor!"


Matey spins around on the spot, gets totally in my face inside this tiny fucking lift and basically commences to threaten me with everything short of murder. I am utterly offered out. I indicate the labouring woman next to me and tell him where we are going and why. He tells me he doesn't give a fuck. I believe him.

The doors open, GF gets out and waits. She looks a bit bored.

I try not to blink. Guy backs out of lift and, staring daggers at me, fucks off forever as the doors slowly close. I try breathing again.

Compared to the following 12 hours, that was a piece of cake. (Dads! Whenever the Midwife turns her back, remember that's your cue to have a quick tug on the Gas & Air!)*

Remember kids, sarcastic mutterings can get you in serious trouble. Leave it the professionals.


* - good idea to ask first if someone else is currently using it
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 18:03, 9 replies)

I never get into trouble speaking my mind
but then I'm a lean 225 with a badly mended nose and one eye that has looked wonkey ever since Dad backhanded me that time.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 21:37, closed)

In that case
I hope you meet my man one day and make with the mind-speaking
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 22:09, closed)

Maternity ward gas and air rocks.
I'm thinking of having a sex change and getting pregnant just so I can have another go at it.
(ubergeekian, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 22:09, closed)

and/or
become a midwife (male or female)
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 22:10, closed)

A colleague of mine gave birth on gas and air.
Her verdict: "It hurt like hell, but was hilarious."
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 22:28, closed)

You know what? In a hospital there's plenty of reasons why someone might need to take a lift for one floor. You don't know what illnesses they have. Or it could just be that the signage is so bad that it's easier to find the lifts than the stairs. So this boild down to "Man picks a fight while his wife is in labour". Cool story, bro.
(songster69, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 12:36, closed)

^This.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 29 Sep 2013, 19:23, closed)

All the Cunts love a Cunt
but i may have to concede. Like i said it was Happy Hour at A&E. He might have just dropped off what was left of his best mate.

Although he was probably a cunt too.
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 13:38, closed)

There was an emergency
at the hospital we were at and all the midwives fucked off to attend that. So the gas and air was over used good and proper ;) The Mrs was so off her tits she accused me of smoking in the room.

Top tip: Don't sit on one of the huge squishy yoga balls that these room have when sampling the gas and air it's far too weird
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 9:32, closed)