Bamboo
Actually this one is about me.

About ten years back, when I was a spotty teenager, me and my older brother were messing about in the garden. We’d climbed up a pallet and onto the fence. A big, wooden one that’s about 10ft tall. My foot slipped and I lost my grip, sliding down and dropping to the floor.

Only I didn’t quite. I fell almost to the floor – my descent was interrupted. By a bamboo pole stuck in a flower pot. The (mercifully blunt) top end caught me between my arse cheeks, taking a good inch or so of jeans, underkex and all with it into the ‘exit only’ zone.

Oh good lord. Thankfully the sturdy, pre-Tesco jeans denim held, saving me from resembling a victim of Vlad the impaler. But my feet were still a good half-a-foot from the earth and blessed escape. And the wall was just beyond my reach.

‘Owwwww help me! Ahhh it hurts!’ I thought, I expected, I hoped that my older brother would spring to my rescue and lift me off. Only he couldn’t, what with being crippled with laughter. He fell off the wall, landing on the soft grass (bastard), racked with belly-laughs so hard he was crying.

I was close to tears myself. At this point it was clear I had to save myself. So I leant forwards, felt the pot wobble, then shifted my weight back, forwards again, building up momentum until my fingers almost touched the fence. Every movement hurt like a bastard, but it was the only way to gain freedom.

I managed it, gripped the wood and scrabbled upwards towards blessed, sweet release!

I then booted him as hard as I could in the stomach, being as he was still on the floor, giggling furiously, having watched my comedy pendulum plan come to fruition. Sadly it wasn’t that hard, what with having just being violated by a bit of stick and the laws of physics.

Bastard.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 17:18, 2 replies)

I don't believe you for a minute.
But I clicked anyway.
(Richy_T hundreds if not thousands of dollars, Fri 18 Dec 2009, 17:52, closed)

Why would I lie
About being ass-stabbed by a bit off wood? If I was going to make with the making up, there'd be more Honda Accord.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 18:17, closed)