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This is a question School Days

"The best years of our lives," somebody lied. Tell us the funniest thing that ever happened at school.

(, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:19)
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This question is now closed.

I love the smell of formaldehyde in the morning...
I had a partner in crime at school called Siobhan. During Biology one day we got the sheep's lungs (complete with oesaphagus) out of the formaldehyde in which it rested and discovered that if you jiggled its throat about, you could make stinky foam come out of the cut end. We also stole a load of live maggots from the same lesson and placed them strategically in the school dining hall. More specifically, in a big pan of cooked rice. You should see first years scream when they realise their dinner is wriggling.
(, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 19:40, Reply)
I loved 6th form
For social reasons, not academic you understand. Anyway I took an A level in Sociology (mock if you will, snobs) and had a pretty interesting teacher.

Let us refer to him as Mr K. Now Mr K resembled a sort of living alcoholic garden gnome and had a chirpy northern accent, interrupted with strange little high pitched 'hm' noises.

A man who was in danger of talking all the bullshit out of his body, he would delight in teling us tales of how he bumped into an old uni chum who was now a drunken tramp in a gutter, and how he once saved a man from jumping off a building on his campus. He then made us write down the number of the Samaratins in our exercise books.

His lessons would run something like this: He would be roughly 10-15 minutes late. He would give us photocopied pages from a textbook that he insisted was 'unavailable to buy anymore'.

He would give a little lecture that was basically the text written in the photocopies, but worded as if it were his own knowledge and wisdom. He would tell us to do one of the exercises from the photocopies, then say he had to go and get a glass of water/something from his car/more photocopies. He would promptly bugger off until 5 minutes towards the end of the class.

Some days he just wouldn't turn up at all. However, if you had the audacity to be 2 minutes late for when he actually arrived in class on time, he would spend a good 10 minutes giving the whole class a bollocking.

Is there a happy end to this tale? Well I got a C in sociology but only because the other teacher was amazing and ran after school catch up lessons that consisted of the stuff that HE was supposed to teach us. Unfortunately Mr K left the school for a position in a local university where he would teach aspiring teachers. Yes, thats right children, he got a job teaching other people how to be good teachers. What.The.Fuck. I would love to know what advice he gave.

"Photocopy. Run."
(, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 18:47, 2 replies)
One more
One of my old teachers told me a story of when he had an alcoholic lecturer at university.

He came in one day and started giving exactly the same lecture he had the week before. Word for word the same, down to pausing in the same places.


How many times do you have to have taught the same lecture to do that?
(, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 18:28, Reply)
More photo fun...

Last night Captain Placid & I were round my brother's shagpad, and the conversation drunkenly stumbled onto my 'belming' school photo.

He then informed me of a time when he was young and they took one of those 'entire school' photos...

The kind that stretch for what seems like 20 feet and are taken with a camera that slowly moves along to create a sort of 'panoramic' effect.

It appears my brother seized the opportunity for mischief and as soon as the camera had moved past him, he ducked out of the shot, only to appear somewhere later down the throngs of students.

He showed up 4 times in the same photo overall.

On the discovery of this prank, the reward for his efforts was to be 'Caned so hard that for a while I had four arse cheeks'

Good times.
(, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 18:24, 5 replies)
On the last day of school
We were applauded by the head of sixth form in the mid-morning assembly for "not doing anything disruptive".


We proceeded to dance through the staffroom in a conga line in front of the astonished teachers, before removing its entire contents to the far side of the sports fields. When I say entire, I mean it. Potted plants, clocks, telephones, folders, kettle etc.

Then we sat around on the chairs, acting as if nothing had happened.


We had to put it back again.





Then we all went and got pissed.


.
(, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 18:24, Reply)
I'd like to apologise on behalf of the staff
but QOTW is closed today due to the inclement weather.

Please phone the next person on your list to continue the chain.
(, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 18:06, 1 reply)
Last Spring
Was my sixth year, meaning lots of free periods and people starting to turn eighteen, it also had some rather lovely sunny days. So naturally we spent most of our time in the beer garden, the eighteen year olds venturing in to buy everyone else booze.

This worked well, It stopped us from making noise and as long as we weren't pissed on school grounds the teachers were happy to turn a blind eye. A few even joined us on one occasion.

We all looked out for each other and made sure no one got drunk.

"Kate, are you sure you should have another."

"Och, I'm fine. I've nae mare classes."

"Uum, we've got computing next."

She managed to act sober rather well, for about five steps into the door where she then walked into filing cabinet and appologised profusley, slurring every word.
(, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 17:44, Reply)
Clarse Inspection
Back in infant school a large quantity of human faeces was discovered on a seat in my classroom. It had appeared between the start and end of morning play time. At first it was believed to be belong to a girl named Tanya, who had been sitting in the seat all morning. After some questioning and a smelling she was declared innocent.

Within minutes we were all evacuated from the classroom and made to wait in the assembly hall. As we stood around, we were joined by every other pupil in the school, from nursery to J4. After some verbal instructions from the music teacher, Mrs Price, we formed a giant queue.

One by one, children were led into a room. The only other time we had lined up and entered this room was during some vaccination thing. Were they injecting the children? Were we being put to death because of the unexplained shit? No, it was far far worse.

After many minutes of waiting, I was led into the room. This time there was no mother to greet me and tell me not to be scared. There was no friendly nurse to give me a sweet and say "This won't hurt". There was just one man; Mr Bennett. Mr Bennett the headmaster. I feared this man. For some reason he was still allowed to hit the children during assembly, even though this was the 90s. He never hit me, but I was always worried that he would for no reason. Then my teacher entered the room. She said: "Anthony, drop your trousers and bend over" Was I about to meet my end? Was Mr Bennett about to go Pulp Fiction on my pale six year old ass? Sadly no, it was something far more degrading. Being young and confused I did so without question. After a lot of thought, I've decided that if someone was to ask me the same question today, I would be less obliging. So my trousers were down and then it happened.

My teacher and the headmaster began to pat my buttocks and smell my poor bum. I doubt that I found any of it very strange at the time, but years of running it through my head may have done me some serious mental harm. I even remember what underwear I was wearing, my only pair of boxer shorts. They were white and had a brown cartoon dog on them. I passed the test. My bum was clean and I was no longer a suspect in the great ass inspection of 91. I pulled up my trousers and left as if nothing had happened.
(, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 17:39, 1 reply)
Last
!
(, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 17:24, 1 reply)
never liked P.E
im not a fatty im just lazy and i dislike competition

i was quite happy when i got to the last half of my second year of G.C.S.E because we got to choose what we wanted to do in P.E, basically it meant i was unsupervised for the whole lesson while they kept an eye on all the chavs who always wanted to play football

i was even happier when i found out at A level you didnt have to do PE as it meant i didnt have to put on a pair of shorts to sit around doing nothing for 3/4 of an hour
(, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 16:59, Reply)

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