Echoing snores
I had a girlfriend who was very keen on cunnilingus, and I was more than happy to oblige. The way she liked it was not fast and furious tongue flicking, but slow and rhythmic. A little too slow and rhythmic, on one occasion: I fell asleep.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 25 Mar 2015, 12:25, 2 replies)

I had sex twice and both times it ended in disaster
WE ENDED UP HAVING KIDS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Wed 25 Mar 2015, 12:02, 6 replies)

I shagged your mum.

(McChinaman banned, Wed 25 Mar 2015, 10:49, 5 replies)

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 25 Mar 2015, 9:45, 3 replies)

I was driving a fast car and getting as much good sex as I liked
Then I married her.
( Peej, Wed 25 Mar 2015, 8:45, 10 replies)

The unkindest cut of all
Many years ago, before it became fashionable, I persuaded her that pubic depilation was a great asset to my obsession, oral sex, and that I was just the man to perform the introductory shave. Given that it was such a jungle down there, I explained that it would all have to be thoroughly trimmed before applying the razor and, despite her initial protests and misgivings, I took a pair of nail scissors and began Operation Close Shave.

It was all going very well until I was trying to daisycut the stubble to a length that I thought would suit the highest-tech two-blade razor that was available. I'd almost finished Stage One when I noticed a couple of stragglers and lined the scissors up perfectly to trim them as close as I could get them.

The resultant scream as I snipped her left flap had to be heard to be believed. I didn't know screams could be that piercing. Or that she could punch that hard.

It probably would have been better had we not attempted this whilst coming up on some good acid. Still, you live and learn. At least she had something to remember me by that had longevity and wasn't a baby.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 24 Mar 2015, 23:23, 12 replies)

Blowjob boss?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 24 Mar 2015, 16:17, 4 replies)

Losing my virginity to MatJ.
He spent months trying to talk me into it, and when I finally let him I was mortified. Looking back, though, I'm not sure it really counted, what with him cumming over my thigh before we'd really got going.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 24 Mar 2015, 12:28, 1 reply)

I told my friend I had an STD and when I was having sex last night it hurt when I came
"Gonorrhea?", he asked
"No, all over her face" I said
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 24 Mar 2015, 12:17, 16 replies)

Times a high five is not appropriate
#72:

Five seconds after she had just lost her virginity to me, after some four months of trying to get up the nerves. Her face when she realized what she had just done was the funniest thing I'd seen in three years.

We laugh about it now.

Well, I do.
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 24 Mar 2015, 12:14, Reply)

Nastiest story I've ever read (via the site where you read things)
Some lucky chap was doing the nasty on a lady's jacksy. Our noble hero is doing the right thing and wearing a condom while he takes her from the rear. At one point he withdrew and looked down, to see some thread worms wriggling around on his cock.
(McChinaman banned, Tue 24 Mar 2015, 11:09, 1 reply)

There was the time I withdrew, and the condom was hanging off the end of my knob

...which was odd, because I wasn't wearing a condom when I started.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 24 Mar 2015, 10:59, 1 reply)

Got my nose-ring caught in her clitoral piercing

That's it, really.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 24 Mar 2015, 9:56, 8 replies)

Zzzz
I'd had far too much to drink. She invited me into her room as I stumbled past. "We'll have to be quite, my room mate's asleep in the other bed", she whispered. I fell asleep on top of her, possibly inside her. "Did we do it?" I asked in the morning when I work up. "Piss off" she said as she booted me out the door.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 24 Mar 2015, 8:13, 4 replies)

Nice try, ITV. You already nailed Savile. Leave these dog botherers alone.

( Wanderer, Tue 24 Mar 2015, 6:28, 6 replies)

Sneezed in her vagina.

( MatJ LOOK, Mon 23 Mar 2015, 23:58, 4 replies)

Condoms full of blood
Or "Going in Dry"

In my youth, there once was a long night of vigorous knobbing, during which I felt "some discomfort", but manfully carried on. Suffice to say our safe-sexy times produced a bin full of used johnnies.
In the morning, what did I find?

BLOOD! Blood everywhere!

But rather than an slightly unexpected menstrual event, the blood was INSIDE the consientiously tied off condoms. I'D CUM BLOOD!

As my doctor told me later, I'd burst a blood vessel in my urethra. Be more gentle, he told me.
( Invisible Wizard - 9th Level Pissant, Mon 23 Mar 2015, 18:03, 7 replies)

Tampon trouble
Pearoasted

Back in my student days, when I did such things, I got drunk & picked up a (not terribly attractive) lady who invited me home for 'coffee'. I'd had enough Newcastle Brown for the offer to be acceptable & matters took their usual course until the point of clothing removal when she piped up with 'I'm on, but I'm nearly finished'. By this point there was no going back, so I just grunted & thought no more of it until the deed was done & I was leaving. This being student halls, it wasn't unusual to encounter debris on the floor. I thought I'd picked up some chewing gum or an old pie but when I looked I found a used tampon, that had been flung across the room in a moment of passion, glued to the sole of my shoe. I quickly peeled it off, dumped it in the nearest toilet & went home.
She never spoke to me again, so if you're reading this San, I didn't take it as a souvenir. Honest.
(grumpypolecat, Mon 23 Mar 2015, 18:01, 2 replies)

alright, spankyhanky

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 23 Mar 2015, 17:05, 7 replies)

Condoms, condoms and more condoms.
A pearoast...


Hmmm. I was 20. She was 16. I was about to leave home after finishing Uni to live 200 miles away. Lovely summer's day, in my bed. She was worried about getting pregnant, so I slipped on a condom. And then "what if it breaks, can you put another on?". And a third.

Doing the dirty with three layers of latex between the old fellow and her lovely wet virginal virgina meant I felt bugger all. After ten or fifteen minutes, she had got off, and was now getting sore. I could still feel nothing.
(Maclir, Mon 23 Mar 2015, 16:40, 19 replies)

Many moons ago...
I was seeing an older lady who had a specific kink of me spaffing on her boots/shoes....
All was going well one evening and she was balanced with one foot on the floor and one on the bed sporting a pair of rather nice knee high stiletto boots.
Just as I reached the vinegar strokes she started to lose her balance, I was too far down the road to stop at this point and kept hold of her leg as she hopped trying to regain her composure. She fell with one hell of a crash onto the floor.
She wasn't too upset about the fall it was the fact I came laughing and got some in her hair just 3 hours after a "nice new hair cut".
( tim1701 I have no board signature!!!!!, Mon 23 Mar 2015, 13:33, Reply)

The night was hot and the air was sticky with sexual congress.
Username Failed Moderation was caught up in the ecstasy of lovemaking.
Without any warning he stopped dead, looked up, and uttered
"I suppose I shouldn't give the satisfaction, but this is the last time I will ever cum on this site."
He withdrew his penis then walked over to the bedside table and grabbed a wet wipe.
He crossed to the toilet and against all advice, flushed the wet wipe away before returning to the room where the sexual intercourse had occurred.
"So long, thanks for the laughs." he said before dropping his guts and leaving the building, forever.
( $$ ✅, Mon 23 Mar 2015, 9:26, 9 replies)

I once said "thank you" after getting a blowjob.
Not the done thing, apparently.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 23 Mar 2015, 9:22, 8 replies)

I was in a bar in Seattle, not really looking to pull, when she started whispering in my ear "If I get you home I'm going to do such things to you, you wouldn't believe"
but she was a slightly overweight liar. During sex, she mainly lay there like a stunned mullet while I did most of the work. False advertising, I thought.
On the way back from the bar to her place she drove her pickup through two red lights then stopped at a liquor store and asked me if I had money for a six pack. "I need to go to an ATM" I said and she screamed in frustration. Maybe that should have been a warning.
I woke in the morning and left while she snored. I had no wish to make conversation with her. It was six am. Dogs were barking at me. I was in the suburbs. I had no idea where I was.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 23 Mar 2015, 8:18, 1 reply)

Sex is over-rated

(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Mon 23 Mar 2015, 0:52, 4 replies)

Speaking of sisters...
I shagged my mate's 15-year-old sister. Twice.

In his bed.

And broke it. (His bed I mean.)

I was 22 at the time.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 11:44, Ignore, closed)
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 22 Mar 2015, 16:01, 8 replies)

She missed her next period.
AMIRITE LADS, EH?
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 22 Mar 2015, 13:41, 7 replies)