At some point,
all of the staff parties where I used to work descended into games of "I have never", because my boss' wife (the Lady Whelk) had a teenager-esque fixation with the game. Unfortunately, she always said the same handful of things every time we played, so we all knew who had taken it up the wrong'un (Lady W), been tied up (Lady W), spanked (Lady W), slept with a gay man (Lady W), been ριssεδ on (Lady W),shoved a marrow up their αrsε, (duh), been force-fed their own severed nipples (ummm) and who used excessively degrading sex acts to alleviate their chronic lack of self esteem (guess).

One night, when we were all sh!tfaced and having to swig our drinks if we'd ever had our genitals electrocuted (yes, she had), my colleague Greekie banged his fist on the table and exclaimed,

"Enough, Woman! Let us all tell of our most embarrassing moments. I shall start!"

So he started. Greekie, when not much more than a Greekling, was on his national service (which they still have in Greekland), in the wooded, mountainous hills near the north-western border with albania. (or somewhere. I have no idea what it's actually like, so imagine something like endor, with slightly more hills and less merchandising.) Here, he indulged in all the things a young man should: wine, women and shooting guns at albanians.

He had seen a lovely young lady, whom he would later descibe to us as "the prettiest girl in the whole village", and stuck her on his list of things to bang. One friday night, he slid up to her, bought her drinks, and tried to get in her pants. She was a little coy, and not wanting to push his luck (she knew most of the patrons and staff at the bar, and with this being the mountains, they also had guns) he settled for a dinner-date the following night, after which he intended to bone her in the back of his car.

The next day they met. She was the picture of elegance, and he had some condoms in his wallet. She got in his car, and they went to the restaurant.

The waiter took her coat, and she hugged him as an old friend, which it transpired they where. Greekie felt a slight pang of jealousy, which was most unlike him. They ate, talked, laughed, drank, he stroked her leg, she didn't mind. All was well. The night drew to a close, and they left the restaurant.

They got into the car, and the girl said they should head up into the nearby forest, as there was a beautiful view. They parked in a glade overlooking a ravine. Then they embraced, kissed, and after several minutes of frenzied slobbering and groping, the girl was frantically sucking Greekie off on the front seat of his car.

Greekie lay there, panting, dribbles of his man-fat glistening in the girl's hair, knowing that all he had to do now was ϝυcκ her bandy on the back seat and he could get on with not talking to her again.

"Greekie", said the girl, in a small voice, "can I ask you something?"
"Yeah, whatever", he replied dreamily from his post-fellatio haze.
"I really like you, Greekie. I want this to be more than sex. But I have to tell you something first...."
"What?"

Greekie looked at the girl. She was staring at her own crotch. He followed her gaze down, and idly noticed that she seemed to have sat on the gearstick, as there was a bulbous protuberance pushing against the fabric of her skirt, between her thighs, lifting the material like a badly erected marquee. He thought of telling her so she didn't tear her dress. Then it dawned on him.

That wasn't the gearstick.

His eyes widened, transfixed as the girl's engorged glans pushed against her clothes, twitching....

She said "I'm not like other girls", but Greekie wasn't really listening. He simply yelled "YOU'VE GOT A ϜυCΚΙΝG DICK!" instead. She nodded sheepishly.

Greekie thought for a second - nice tits, guaranteed bum fun, but dating a tranny was too much, even for him, and he hadn't planned on seeing her again anyway. He immediatedly started the car and drove her back into town. He had briefly toyed with the idea of leaving her in the woods, but she had a lot of friends locally and he didn't need half the village trying to lynch him the next day. Half the village that had seen them flirting friday, that had seen him buy her dinner and then go up into the woods to shag another man. A man in a dress.

Back in town he kicked her out the car door, said he never wanted to see her again, and drove off....

"...... and that's how I got the best head I have ever had."

We faded back to the party, the telling of stories, peals of laughter resounding around the room.

Greekie's girlfriend sat opposite him, her jaw hanging wide, a look of shock and horror on her face. We all noticed, and stifled our giggles.

"I have never", piped up one of my colleagues, "felt as appalled and ashamed of anyone I have ever dated as I do of my current partner right now."

Without breaking her look of sheer terror Greekie's Girlfriend downed the rest of her drink.

A slightly different "misconception about sex" methinks.... *cough* gender *cough*
(cs1ca, Sat 27 Sep 2008, 20:56, 4 replies)

*click*
brilliant read!
(annhialus hasn't had an accident since, Sat 27 Sep 2008, 21:39, closed)

Awww, I feel bad for the person Greekie gilted
that was cruel!
(Guineapiggy Fuzzeh!, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 5:17, closed)

This *must* win for the week.

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sun 28 Sep 2008, 14:25, closed)

Twas a good story
But save yourself time and just fucking type the swears!

*clicks*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 13:30, closed)