I'm hardly ever on here anymore
But when I saw this question, I couldn't resist posting a cheeky pea...

First off, I'd like to say that I have never told anyone about this. Even, now, in total anonymity, I'm cringing as I type this.

Let me set the scene - I was 18, had recently stopped hanging around with my closest friends (for reasons I can't quite remember now), in a job I hated, when I made a sudden spontaneous decision to take a week-long trip to Amsterdam. I booked the flights, managed to get the holidays short notice, packed up and flew off.

Let me say at this point that you should never go on holiday by yourself. It is probably the single worst holiday I've had, and I've been caravaning in Wales for fuck sake.

Anyway, after wandering around feeling lost and bored, and after getting far more stoned than was good for me, I stumbled across the Red Light District. I haven't seen a bigger collection of ropey-looking underdressed tramps since my last big night out in Glasgow. As a horny teenager, however, I was in a moral dilemma. Would I pay for sex? The inner dispute took about three seconds to come up with the answer : Hell yeah!

The only problem was, I couldn't decide which 'lucky lady' I was gonna have some fun with. Did I want, fat, thin, blonde, brunette, old or young? It's like you've been asked to choose which soul-sucking X-factor fame-hungry wannabe should be beaten to death with their own arm. Too much choice...

I decided to go with the one that caught my eye, that seemed to stand out. As I turned a corner, one of the girls in the windows performed a dance with her hands at her waist, firing them like pistols. This made me laugh, so I stepped up and asked how much.

"50 eauros dahrling" she said in a dodgy Italian accent.

"Lead on" said I.

We moved into the back room, a squalid, yet somehow clinical affair. The place stank of sweat and baby oil. I handed over the money to my hired whore, taking the time to look her over as she counted it.

She was tall, leggy, with long brunette hair, strong features, and a very full bra. She looked good, though I now put this down to a combination of bad lighting and the number of joints I had smoked throughout the day. I was wasted.

"You get undreassed, dahrling?" she said huskily. At this point, I did notice her voice was lower than what I was used to, but figured it must be the same in all Mediterranean women.

I promptly stripped, and joined her on the leather couch. She then proceeded to start sucking on my already hard member, without using a condom. I lay back, enjoying the sensation. It shamefully remains, to this day, one of the best blowjobs I have ever had.

After a while I decided I was ready for action. I tapped her on the head and motioned I was ready for sex. After helping me on with the condom (it's worth repeating that I was pretty fucking wasted) she proceeded to turn her back to me, took my cock in her hand, and helped guide it into what I thought was her 'lady-chamber' (or, for all you foul-mothed fuckers out there, her cunt).

I was really getting into the sex, thrusting away, and she was responding well, making all the right noises. I felt myself approaching the point of no return, so decided it would be a good time to change positions. I stopped, and indicated with what I'm sure was a ridiculous hand motion for her to turn over onto her front.

She looked at me uncertainly. "You suare?" she asked. "What about..." She nodded downwards, I looked down, and her hand seemed to be covering something over her crotch. At this point, I still hadn't cottoned on. I actually said "What about what?" in a genuinely confused tone.

'She' removed her hand, and at this point I probably don't have to tell you what was under there. If you haven't guessed it already, I'll spell it out for you. It was a cock and fucking balls, meat and two veg, David Cameron and his advisers.

She/he looked at me with concerned eyes. "Is okay?"

A million questions swarmed through me at once. Does this make me gay? Can I ever look at myself in the mirror again? Is it too late to ask for my 50 euros back?

Then I realised I had 5 minutes left, and I didn't have enough money for another actual girl. So I shrugged and asked her/him to finish me off with a blowjob. I'll say it again, I was really fucking wasted.

As she/he was sucking away I glanced down and noticed her/his 'full' bra was actually full of toilet paper, and, to make matters worse, the long brunette hair was a long brunette wig. This wasn't even a transsexual, it was a guy in fucking drag.

Somehow, I closed my eyes and climaxed. Afterwards, I couldn't put my clothes on fast enough, and as I was going through the door, all I could say was "That was...interesting"

I went to my hotel room, and took the longest shower I have ever had in my life. The smell of baby oil seemed to linger for days.

Upon returning home, whenever anyone asked me how my holiday was, I said "Fine" and quickly changed the subject. To this day, the smell of baby oil makes me quesy.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the strangest sexual experience I've ever had. Just don't tell anyone else about it.

Please?




P.S I don't apologise for length, but she bloody well should have.
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 11:42, 23 replies)

Winner?
Got a click for the sheer... balls telling it!
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 11:55, closed)

what 'e said
Click - congratulations on winning
(justin(e), Wed 14 Dec 2011, 15:28, closed)

Financial prudence beats sexual preference. Whodathunkit.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:03, closed)

Funnily enough, I've since started studying Economics at Uni
I suppose the signs were always there...
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:18, closed)

You're like the anti-Berlusconi

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:22, closed)

JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS



TOP MARKS FOR PRACTICAL DECISION MAKING
(OTT, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:03, closed)

Hahahaha.
Nice one! Don't worry, we've all done it.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:21, closed)

^^^
not what he said!!
(Studentken is looking for motivation on, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:38, closed)

Speak for yourself.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 17:25, closed)

Brilliant
Fair play to you! You paid good money, why shouldn't you finish up?
(Blunt Logic, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:53, closed)

eep!

(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:56, closed)

I clicked this the 1st time
and by Christ I'll do it again.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:57, closed)

winner indeed
Console yourself with the knowledge that most Victorian prostitutes allowed only anal or by clamping
your dick between their thighs. Maybe you should consider it retro. Great tale, though and gets a click from me.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:37, closed)

Woo and yay Sir.

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:42, closed)

Winner by a country mile

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 14:02, closed)

As soon as I saw the topic for this week...
...I could smell the baby oil.

A very timely re-post and very heavily clicked.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 14:59, closed)

Whatever changes in your sexual orientation, if any, arose from the incident itself, the act of re-telling this story has made you a MAN sir. Woo-yay indeed!
( gp_guineapig, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 18:03, closed)

Strangely ironic that I should be clicking
'I like this' as I very much doubt I would have liked it. By posting it on here you have proved that you have just as much balls as her.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Tue 13 Dec 2011, 18:06, closed)

If you were a sailor
You'd be proudly telling this story every time you got drunk. You're not though, so you feel shame instead and only whisper it on the internet once every few years. A pity really, because it's absolutely bloody hilarious, brilliantly told and utterly horrifying. You should go in the 'red chair' on Graham Norton with it.

*Click*.
( Scrumper, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 19:46, closed)

Beautiful
"Oh, hi Pavlov, how was your holiday?"

"I DIDN'T FUCK ANY MEN!"

"What!?!"

"Errrr...nothing..."
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 13 Dec 2011, 20:37, closed)

Hahahahaha :D
I want this comment to win!
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 11:51, closed)

ok - I clicked

(justin(e), Wed 14 Dec 2011, 15:48, closed)

I click'd
But only because you "got your money's worth".
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 8:30, closed)

Definitely worth a click

(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 9:26, closed)