I Stole A Tree Once.
Well, twice actually but you don't want to hear the story of me turning up for a date, 5 hours late,drunk and clutching a tree. With blood running down it.

So I'll tell you about the great poplar tree theft.

When I was growing up it was point of pride to have the biggest bonfire in the town on November the 5th. Whoever had the biggest bonny, got the best fireworks as the adults, who had cash to buy the fireworks, would only turn up to the biggest fire. And, of course, the biggest bonny had to have the biggest center-pole. So we decided to steal a tree from the local school.

Our school was surrounded by poplar trees. They marked the boundary of the school grounds and this year we'd decided that we needed one for our center pole. It was a masterly operation. About 20 kids from all over the town snuck out in the dead of night and congregated in an alley near the school. We'd brought ropes, axes and a fuck-off two handed saw. For once some of the bigger lads from my older brothers age-group had joined us - they normally wouldn't have been seen dead with us littler kids - but this wheeze was just too good to miss out on.

When we were all gathered, we headed for the school and a well-oiled operation sprang into life. Two of the bigger lads boosted me up our chosen tree and I scampered up the trunk like monkey trailing two ropes behind me. I tied these around the trunk, about half way up, and then climbed back to the ground.

Two hefty youths took hold of the big saw, one at each end and started to cut. Us smaller lads took up the ends of the ropes and maintained tension on them.

"Why we pulling on these ropes" whispered Danny

"So the fucking tree will fall where we want it to you cunt. If we let it fall by itself, it might end up in someone's house" came the hissed reply.

In the end, it all came together incredibly quickly. From the first cut to "TIMBERRRRRR!!" was about ten minutes. And the tree fell right where we wanted it.

Once down, a swarm of grubby kids with axes and hatchets moved in and started chopping off the branches. In a short while the tree lay there denuded and ready for transport. Lifting the thinner end first kid after kid slotted themselves under the tree with the trunk resting on their shoulders until we had it off the ground. Smaller kids at the thin end, big kids at the back. And off we went, heading for the safety of Robson's Fields where we would stash the tree until bonfire night.

Next day at school, the police were everywhere but mainly standing by the stump and looking at the discarded branches scratching their heads. They didn't have a clue what had happened or why. I mean, who the hell would steal a tree?

"Bet they have to call in Special Branch" I quipped to my mates.

Aye. You had to make your own entertainment back then.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 1:48, 11 replies)

It's
intelligent and wonderful. :o
(Tyraen, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 2:18, closed)

Ha!
+10 points for calling it a "wheeze" - totally Beano.
(Youlotfeckingsuck, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 7:59, closed)

*click*
for "special branch"!
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 9:31, closed)

Actually
I'd quite like to hear the bloody tree date story as well.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 9:38, closed)

An excellent tale
*clicky*
( chenobble rocking his explorer beard on, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 9:44, closed)

I like the fact ...
... you were considerate enough to tie ropes around the tree to make sure it didn't fall into someones house.

Nicely. *click*
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 10:17, closed)

top story and clickety woo but
"Well, twice actually but you don't want to hear the story of me turning up for a date, 5 hours late,drunk and clutching a tree. With blood running down it."

Yes I bloody well do!!
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 10:53, closed)

Hahah
"Special branch!" You sir, are a genius
(The Magical Mr Q *is now banishing kittens*, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 13:14, closed)

Come on!
Tell the other story too. It sounds like a good one...
(Bearded Whumpus In chav Britain, schoolgirl offers sweets to YOU!, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 14:11, closed)

Another vote
*clicks*

Go on, we want to read the other story!
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Mon 14 Jan 2008, 21:01, closed)

Bloody date tree story
Come on Legless, your public demands it...
(theweapon never ever bloody anything ever, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 22:07, closed)