These boots are made for walking.....
Just in case you are thinking about the faux leather things you pop on your feet, a quick apology.
Its about a high street store that peddles pharmacy goods, and other general healthcare goods, and does a bloody good business at Christmas with their "Three for Two" offers.
And no, its not bloody Superdrug.

Now, a young Tesco Quality had bagged a job at this grand store to be a shelf stacker. Nothing wrong with that, I hear you say, even starting at 7am in the morning to punt out, by onesself, all manner of pantyliners, nappies and shampoos.
After the cages had been returned to their places, I would then be "on the till". Yep, I was also a till monkey, happily serving the good customers of my home town their wares.

Yes, indeed to this day, if you ask me what colour box is the "Tampax extra - Torrents of blood like a raging river", then I will happily murmur the reply in a daze of happy rememberance.

There are always advantages to working in such a place, the ladies on the cosmetic counter... However, I did ask one rather trowelled lady once how long it took to plaster on the makeup - I was met with threats of violence including "how would you like this rather big Denman hair brush stuck up your arse?". I retired to stacking more boxes of Tommee Tippee breast milk devices on the shelves.

Other moments of wide eyed hushedness included...

The old lady, every Saturday morning, as soon as the store opened. She made a bee line for me on the till.
At least 70, if a day. And regular as clockwork. EVERY FUCKING SATURDAY. A basket. She would approach, bolder than a African Lion in heat.

1 x tube of KY Jelly
3 x boxes of Durex, ribbed.

And no words were said while I picked up the items, scanned them into the till, popped them into a "small bag", and of course, she would say "you will double bag it for me deary?". And of course, I would double bag. Fuck you enviromentalists, some old lady is getting some. If she wants it double bagged, I'll double bag it.

Oh, and the "country" types. Dragging their teenage daughter in and baskets full of the aforementioned "Tampax Extra Torrent Strength".
I assure you all, my eyes are on the till, listening to the beep of the bar code as it passes by. No words ever were mentioned of this ever, it is like a secret code to those girls whom I was in 6th form with. I held mighty respect for not disclosing that "Big Tits Sarah" has got a minge exploding like Old Faithful in Yellowstone Park.

And the discounts were not bad either! 33% of own brand and 17.5% off any other stuff. Roaring trade at Christmas, especially on the testers. Want a bottle of the finest Eau de WHATTHEFUCKISTHATSMELL? Tester bottles by the hundred. All upstairs in the canteen, Pop a pound in the "honesty box" and take a bottle with you.
Profits abound, my lovely boys and girls!

However, these promised days could not live forever. I had to leave the sacred aisles of shampoo and boxed gift sets of Brut. But not before, THE BAD DAY happened.

The day started normally, Old Lady came and took her supplies, and various nubiles escorted by their mothers would buy their stocks of Kotex and other assorted goodies. Small talk would be passed to the good people. Please's and thank you's would be happily passed with the smile that I would happily muster.

The stench happened first. If I had known then about the Old Ones, then I would have thought that Cthluthu himself had passed a wrist shaped shit in the doorway.
Eyes watered, strange moans and retches were heard from the hair dye aisles. All I had to assile to evil stink was Vicks Vaporub, which I had been assigned, to be the good keeper of, in case of this day.

The evilness approached the till. My till. Oh mother of all holy please, not this, please no...
Oh yes.
A lady of odd complexity, some may say a look of being shell shocked, perhaps of being faced with a husband presumed dead in some awful accident suddenly showing up and asking for a brew.
She placed a toddler on the side counter, and the stink was magnificent. Since those young days I have consumed some drink, some foodstuffs to ferment in my bowels and the next day the escaping aroma is something that Hades himself would be pleased with.

But, no. This... stench, the evil clagging invisible mist was permeating the protective layers of Vicks Vaporub. It was simply melting from my upper lip, and the my eyes were quickly being consumed by a fog of dense evilness.

All she said was.... "I've had to take a nappy out of this pack, I've had to change him. Can you get rid of the old one for me?"
And with a thump, the most evil thing in the world was deposited in the basket holder. Pensioners were in cardiac arrest, the makeup from the trowelled ladies was dripping off, and in the distance I heard sirens approaching.

I had to be strong. The serve was done. The card was "click clacked" through the machine. All throughout, screams and the noises of pure evil was heard.

And guess what? The kid was chomping on a "Chupa Chup" lolly from the front of the till. Did I charge for that? Did I fuck.

The till was closed for about 3 hours after that, and it never recovered. I left shortly after, and I understand it was burnt down in a strange "electrical fire".

I feel, to this day, privileged though, to have met Cthulthu's Child.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Tue 15 May 2012, 23:49, 11 replies)

i didn't read much of this.
but, to summarise, you SHOULD HAVE TRIED HARDER AT SCHOOL.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 16 May 2012, 0:22, closed)

Oh dear. Are you in need of an "Orange Box"?

( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Wed 16 May 2012, 0:53, closed)

^^ Hahaha

( snee held his breath since, Wed 16 May 2012, 13:27, closed)

Brevity
is the soul of wit.
Oscar Wilde (maybe)
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 16 May 2012, 1:04, closed)

Shakespeare.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 16 May 2012, 1:05, closed)

In every crowd of rif-raf
somehow a scholar appears.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 16 May 2012, 2:38, closed)

Well, I liked this, so I clicked I like this.
Although, there's not much to the story, I liked the style which kept me happily reading along.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 16 May 2012, 11:50, closed)

Ta muchly.
Probably a bit too TL;DR for some people, but, thats me, I tend to ramble on sometimes :)
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Wed 16 May 2012, 11:58, closed)

Indeed
In fact a lot better than the one-liner "jokes" that get posted.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Wed 16 May 2012, 18:48, closed)

Ah, another alumni
Congrats, soldier, you survived.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 16 May 2012, 16:05, closed)

Only just!
The mess of a nappy (and it wasn't Pampers brand either, I could tell by the leakage) was taken away by the bomb squad, and encased in a glass and concrete filled drum. I understand the MOD are still negotiating with some third world country to have it removed from these shores in case of some environmental disaster should be there be some "accident".
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:56, closed)