What's pink and smells of piss?
Barbara Cartland.
(monkdewallydehonk, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:31, Reply)

Police say they have found a dead Taliban in Michael Barrymoore's swimming pool
First rumours are that he was a suicide bummer...
( Weetobix is selling these fine leather jackets, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:27, Reply)

And some more
What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog!!!!!

What has 100 balls and fucks rabbits? A shotgun!!!!!
(Mischeivious_Delinquent_Squirrel, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:26, Reply)

A bloke comes home from the pub
and gives a box to his wife.

She opens the box and theres a huge frog in there. "Whats this?" she asks.

"That" says her husband "is a wide mouthed frog. I just bought it from a bloke in the pub, who had trained it from birth to give the best blow jobs a man could ever wish for. I tried it out on the way home, and its true - it gave the best blow job i've ever had."

"Well what do you expect me to do with it?" Asks the wife.

"Teach it to cook, and then fuck off!"
(Daveybaby, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:25, Reply)

not sick, but funny, i think, again
what's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?

one's a goodyear, ones a fucking good year!

what's the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?

One less drunk
(Wibbly Pig, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:23, Reply)

Whats worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
Reading the same joke 50 fucking times.
(Daveybaby, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:20, Reply)

Anyone remember Gerry Sadowitz?
His rudest joke:

What's the worst bit about having sex with your grandmother?

When she makes you lick the sweat off her back after you've finished.
( Flapjack - *FUMP*... *fump*, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:20, Reply)

im sorry! shouldnt take the piss!
the police arrive at the sight of a horrific road accident where there is only one survivor, a downs-syndrome girl. The police realise they have to interview her but know they have to be very careful

Policeman: So, who was in the car with you?
Girl (you do the voice!): Mummy, daddy and sister
Policeman: OK, so what was daddy doing when the crash happened?
Girl: Drinking, lots of beer!
Policeman: (slightly startled) OK so what was your mummy doing?
Girl: Punching daddy, telling him no drinking
Policeman: So what was your sister doing at that time?
Girl: Screaming, coz mummy punching daddy!
Policeman: OK one last question. What were you doing when the crash happened?
Girl: DRIVING!
(Wibbly Pig, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:19, Reply)

Whats the best thing about fucking twenty ten year olds?
Theres twenty of them!
(Daveybaby, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:19, Reply)

Time-saver
So you don't waste time reading through the 15 pages of posts, here's the punchlines of the tired gags that have been submitted umpteen times already:

You don't have to walk back on your own.
Cot death.
Neehi was in the van.
There's 20 of them.
A rape victim.
An erection.
A baby nailed to 10 trees.
I dont have a mercedes/ferrari/BMX/cadillac in my garage.
I didn't get leukemia.
Hypothermia.
You can't unload the marbles with a pitchfork.

Har de har.

Here's one I heard at the Embra festival: I entered a marathon once but my knob got covered in peanuts and chocolate.

And my favourite A man goes into a newsagent and is very impressed by the chest of the young lady behind the counter. Somewhat distracted he says: "Pack of fitter tits please. Oops, sorry, I mean filter tips." She goes bright red and tosses said items across the counter to him. Embarrassed, he pays and leaves. He gets into his mate's car and tells him about the dreadful gaff. His friend is sympathetic and says: "Don't worry, it was a slip of the tongue. A common mistake. It happens all the time. Why just the other day I meant to ask my wife: 'Darling, pass the marmalade' and what came out was: 'You've ruined my life you sad, ugly gut-bucket'."

Apologies for not posting a joke that dozens of others have already.
( calgacus, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:17, Reply)

not sick, but funny, i think
a gynaecologist has decided to give up his jub and become a vehicle mechanic. There are three parts to his exam: changing the oil, changing a tyre, and refitting all the internal parts of the car.
When he gets his results back he finds that for the first part he has scored 100%
for the second part he has also scored 100%
when he reads the result for the third part he is somewhat puzzled, having scored 110%

he decided to ask the examiner why he achieved such good results. The examiner explains
"Well, you did the first to parts with such precision and perfection that it was the only mark that we could give you. And for the third part, not only was it done perfectly, you managed to do the entire thing through the exhaust pipe!"
(Wibbly Pig, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:12, Reply)

A man walks a child through the woods
The child turns to the man and says 'I'm scared'
The man replies 'You think you're scared, I just posted the same joke as fifty other people and there's an angry mob outside my door threatening to Bum Fuck me with a giant brontosaurus cock before peeling off my skin and rubbing salt onto me seeping wounds... whilst making me watch Neighbours...
(lat297, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:11, Reply)

this is so wrong, i am ashamed
Boyfriend is half South African, but English. Totally cool bloke, not a malicious or racist bone in his body, thinks everyone is just grand.

But last week, he randomly referred to a bluebottle as a

'kaffer budgie'

I am so ashamed to still be finding this funny. (I know it's the budgie part though.) I told him off anyway.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:10, Reply)

Stevie wonder got given a cheese-grater for Christmas
... best book he's ever read.
( Micro Prawnvica, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:09, Reply)

My Dad's favourite joke;
Why is a woman like a tornado?
'Cos when they come they're wet and warm, and when they leave they take your house, car and kids.

Bitter old bastard.

Also,

What is the worst thing you can say to a woman?
"Don't let this rape turn into a murder".
(Kong, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:08, Reply)

Posh
Whats the difference between a diamond ring and David Beckham?

Nothing - they both come in a posh box.
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:07, Reply)

Three jokes for you here...
What does DIANA stand for?
Died in a nasty accident... sorry.

Also, Gary Glitter has taken over the England job. He's put Seaman in the under 12s.

Ok, last one. There's this woman who has recently become a widow, but to step herself from becoming sex depraved, she cuts off her husband's dick and sticks it on the wall. Every day, at the same time, she goes and pleasures herself. Anyway, the window cleaner notices that there is a hole in the wall one day, reaches into it and pulls out the dick. He then hears her coming up the stairs, so he panics, and sticks his dick in the hole. He is then pleasured. That night in the pub, the window cleaner is telling his black friend of what happened, so the black guy takes his ladder to the house the next day, climbs up, and sticks his wiener through the hole. At that time, the woman comes to it, screams, shouts "My dick's gone all moldy!" and then lobs it off with a knife. Dirty bitch.
(Jenko, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:07, Reply)

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Rape.
( wanky art student is liable to phwoar at any minute, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:07, Reply)

Definition of foreplay by a black guy?
Scream and I'll kill ya.

also
Sorry for length.
(I've done it so many times it's boring now..., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:06, Reply)

What's red, noisy and eight feet in the air?
Baby on a pitchfork

My brother knows SO many baby gags, will find out some better ones...
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:05, Reply)

Whats funnier than a guy with cancer?
A Deaf, dumb, blind crippled guy with cancer
(Irn-Bru, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:03, Reply)

What's the best contraception for a Valley's girl?
Castrate her brother.
(nonproffessional, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:02, Reply)

.........
Why doesn't Michael Barrymore have any ash trays?

Because he puts his fags out in the pool

Michael Barrymore's not doing anymore pantomimes this year. He's alreay done Alladin
(elgonzorelli, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:02, Reply)

What's the best thing about fucking twenty eight year olds ?
there's twenty of them.
( Darryn.R www.themoononline.com, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 12:02, Reply)

What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.
(nonproffessional, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 11:56, Reply)

What's the smelliest thing in the world?
A dead anchovy's cunt!

(sorry if it's already done but couldn't be arsed to read through)

One and all *bow*
( Milkybar Yid!, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 11:52, Reply)

a doctor in the maternity ward
takes a baby from a cot and starts spinning it around by its ankles, smashing it into walls, drop kicking it down the corridors etc. The mum runs after him, hysterical, screaming and crying and asks him what the hell he is doing. He says "aah don't worry it was dead anyway"
( ferret charmer, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 11:50, Reply)

Jokes
How do whales have oral sex?

They bite off the ends of Submarines and suck out the seamen!
(Dirtyleeds, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 11:49, Reply)

.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a Bucket of Dead Babies?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
( cheeves, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 11:47, Reply)