at least it's not a 12 inch pianist

A piano player is starting a new job in a bar. On his first night he's warming up before the bar opens and the barman overhears him playing. The barman is very moved by the music. It seems to transport him back to days gone by, reminding him of a youth that he will never get back and of all the triumphs and disappointments of his childhood.

"Wow, you really play beautifully, what's that song?" He asks the piano player.

The piano player looks pleased "Oh that's one of my own songs actually, I wrote it about a year ago."

"You've got to be kidding! You wrote that song? That's one of the most beautiful pieces of music I've ever heard. What's it called?"

The piano player smiles, "I named that piece 'The wart-ridden anus of a dying whore'."

"What! Why on earth would you call it that? That's a horrible name and it's such a beautiful piece of music. Surely you could think of a better name than that?"

"Not a chance. I like it, and I'm not going to change it."

The barman is disappointed so goes back to cleaning glasses. The piano player starts playing a new song and once again the barman is very moved by the piece. He feels on top of the world, proud and confident. He thinks of his home and how he would be willing to die to defend it. Once again he is so moved that he approaches the piano player.

“Wow that piece was just as amazing as the last one. Surely you didn’t write that too though?”

The piano player grins. “Yep I wrote that one too, just the other night in fact. It’s called ‘Saggy man breasts covered in shit’.

“Oh no. No, you can’t call it that. That’s all wrong. It’s such a great song, surely you could think of another name?”

The barman turns back to the piano. "Not a chance. I like it, and I'm not going to change it."

The barman goes back to his work and despite himself he can’t help but be stirred by the next song the piano player plays. This time the barman feels a great swelling in his chest and a sense of love for all of God's creatures. He thinks of his wife and children and how much they mean to him and he is so filled with love and joy that a few tears roll down his cheek. He can’t help but approach the piano player again.

“That’s the most beautiful song of the three. That really meant a lot to me. If you wrote that one too then I think you must be some sort of musical genius.”

The piano player smiles gently. “That was the first song I ever wrote.”

The barman braces himself. “Go on then, tell me what it’s called.”

“I named that piece ‘Away and suck my spunk from out your mother’s cunt’. Before you ask, I like the name and I’m not going to change it.”

The barman looks angry. “Listen mate, you’ll do fine tonight. Just play your songs and the crowd will love you. But a word of advice - don’t tell them what the songs are called. It ruins them.”

The piano player grudgingly agrees.

The bar opens and soon it’s nice and busy. The piano player starts playing and the crowd are lapping it up. Everyone is listening so intently that you could hear a pin drop. The piano player take the applause graciously and just as the barman advised, never once does he reveal the names of his songs. After an hour or two of playing, he announces that he’s going to take a short break and that he’ll be back in half an hour. The crowd cheer and applaud and the piano player bows and smiles before finally retreating into the back. Half an hour later he heads back to the piano but nips into the gents on his way back. He’s just finished relieving himself when a slightly drunk guy slaps him on the back and congratulates him on the performance. As a result, the piano player is distracted and fails to button up his boxer shorts or to even do up his fly. He makes his way out into the bar and he’s walking towards the piano when an older gent stops him.

“Excuse me.” Says the old gent. “But do you know your fly’s undone and everyone can see your cock?”

The piano player looks furious. “Know it! Know it! I fucking wrote it!”
(BIV was recently envatted., Tue 21 Mar 2006, 13:24, Reply)