Radio 1...
Back when Edith Bowman and Colin Murray had a show on Radio 1, The Gladiators show was making a comeback and they asked the listeners to call in with new names for the gladiators. I was the passenger on my way to Manchester so texted my suggestion "Chlamydia".

I never thought I'd get a mention, but Colin did say live "Here's a suggestion from snee on the A14 - Chlamydia!"

I'm guessing his brain wasn't quite in gear at the time...
( snee held his breath since, Sat 18 Oct 2014, 11:11, Reply)

I looked at a moth.

(Andrew Avetoom, Sat 18 Oct 2014, 9:39, 5 replies)

I did Little Rocket Man in Half Life 2
Then later, because, I seem to be a cunt, and wish to make fun games into a horror, did Guardin Gnome on Left 4 Dead 2.

You knows the little bastards gonna pop up in the next big Valve game. HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH SO MUCH POINTLESS TIME WASTED! And I'll do it again too. -____-
(yeswehavenopasties, Sat 18 Oct 2014, 5:51, 2 replies)

I've just understood what a derivative is
and how it relates to the difference quotient not from watching a video of someone explaining it in an easy way, but from reading the waffle on wikipedia.

I'm quite chuffed with myself.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 18 Oct 2014, 1:24, 2 replies)

When they took the wisdom tooth out
For about a day I could blow bubbles into my mouth from the small puncture into the sinus.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 23:36, 2 replies)

3 entries into the Profanisaurus
Beaten like a ginger stepchild, Eccles Cake & one other that I can't remember.
They never did send me my pencil though.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 22:45, 3 replies)

I have been mentioned on a patent.
It was about LED flashlights, and was citing a usenet post I made.

I may at some point set fire to Iain Duncan Smith and/or Lord Freud.

Unfortunately, it's not looking like I'll get it done before the QOTW closes.
(speedevil, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 22:12, Reply)

I am always pleased that I have not, as yet, intentionally killed a person.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 22:03, 2 replies)

In a three-month period, several years ago...
...I had

A) an answer and then a question printed in the Guardian's Notes & Queries page

B) an email read out in its entirety on R4's PM, and

C) corrected a QI elf about something he'd claimed in a newspaper piece. (It was about a particularly huge and ugly fish which he claimed had only been caught once - I knew that to be untrue and called him out. He told me he'd got the fact from one of John Lloyd's original notebooks, which had never been updated.

Funny how the smallest of achievements can give the greatest satisfaction (becoming a smug cunt, as my wife called it). Despite hanging on forlornly for a few more years, she could never hope to match the dizzy heights of my achievements - which is probably why we're in the process of separating.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 21:58, Reply)

Every woman I have had sex with has let me do it more than once
...well, both of them did.
(Anthony Burgess' Chocolate Orange, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 21:28, 2 replies)

I drew a really shitty felt tip picture of Sonic the Hedgehog and somehow won a Bad Influence t-shirt.
Also, Violet Berlin was LOVELY back then. And Andy Crane is about halfway down the Yewtree list. Probably.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 18:23, 4 replies)

sausage
Back in the early 80s, my next door neighbour & I enjoyed filling the time between spliffs by sending off for every freepost offer in the back of magazines and having a laugh at the stream of inappropriately addressed junk mail that dropped through our doors each day. We even had a personal visit from a finance company after we'd expressed an interest in borrowing some money (got a free Parker pen with that one).

"Is there a Mrs Pindet at home today please?"
"Errm..which one?"
"It's a Mrs. Dee Pindet we'd like to speak to?"

After a couple of months of this we decided that we had enough pens and started thinking about the relative merits of annoying minor celebrities. About this time a certain Stuart Hall was on the telly a lot. News slots, sport reporting, It's a Knockout. His trademark look was a stripy shirt, white collar and outrageous ties. I couldn't stand the cunt and rather than having to listen to the local news and be outraged by his neckwear I started making plain paper ties that you could blutak to your TV screen thus reducing retinal pain by up to 20%.

One evening my friend and I penned a letter to Mr Hall addressed to him at the TV studios he worked from suggesting that we could start up a fanclub for him. We even floated the idea of custom paper ties for members. If I recall correctly we went for random pseudonyms and were surprised and delighted to receive a nice big envelope franked by the BBC addressed to Aard Strider and Jericho Cadbury. Along with the signed photos ("all the best Aard & Jerry!") was a genuine offer for us to run his fanclub and speak to his 'people' about financial remuneration. He even liked the paper tie idea.

Sadly due to the massive drugs, we never followed him up on his offer and he ended up going to jail. Jericho and I drifted apart. He'd kept our scrapbook of silly junk mail and the correspondence from Stuart and other minor celebrities we'd annoyed.

A few years ago I bumped into Jericho and asked him if he'd kept any of the letters. He reckoned they were somewhere in his loft, couldn't be arsed looking for them but if they turned up he'd let me know.

I looked him up on Facebook last week and sent him a message to ask about the evidence of our creative genius and he basically told me to fuck off as he had more important things to worry about on his life and that I should just fucking grow up. I'm sure he's still got everything filed away in his loft.

If this isn't an example of a surly archivement then frankly I'll be sausaged.
(riffjedibaby almost 1,000 chickens, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 16:38, 1 reply)

Farts
My brother and I are the only people that I have ever known who have made people vomit purely by farting.

Guinness was involved on both occasions.
(CasuallyObscene, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 16:09, 11 replies)

I've just passed a 12 inch turd.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 16:09, 11 replies)

Top billing
I fought a goose and won.

In my defence, he fucking started it, the beaky twat!
(csdaveuk, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 16:05, 3 replies)

I won second prize in a beauty contest.

(McChinaman banned, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 15:52, 2 replies)

i love hallowe'en
i go all-out with the decorations and, the last few years, i've been dressing myself up in ever scarier costumes.
last year, i dressed as a zombie, with full make-up, fake blood everywhere and a fake bite mark. i rigged the front door with fishing line so i could open it from the living room and let whoever was outside see me come shambling and moaning down the hall, with a bowl of sweets clasped loosely in my gore-streaked hands. i was really pleased with how good it all looked.
i was even more pleased - and more than a little proud - that my costume actually made 3 kids cry that night. going to see if i can top that this year.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 15:25, 13 replies)

I had several certificates from Haven and Butlins as I had a very prole upbringing.
I once came first in a Steps dance off. I won £100 and spent it all on drink that very night.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 15:21, 4 replies)

Any Questions of the Week
Some years ago, with little money due to ongoing unemployment, and a tendency to be a news junkie (in the days before I discovered the ability to rant online in newspaper comments), I successfully got on the air in the Any Answers programme that immediately follows the Saturday broadcast of Any Questions.

This was back in the days when an actual Dimbleby hosted the programme, mind you, not some whipper-snapper junior producer, like the people they use now.

Also, slightly more impressively, I won £7,000 on the You Say, We Pay phone in section of the Richard and Judy show. It was also while I was out of a job, so rather than a fancy holiday, it meant I could continue to pay the mortgage until I found a job. I would've won more, but Richard Madeley is a thickie who didn't work out that Heather Mills was a one legged glamour model who married a Beatle. Judy was barely awake throughout. Gin overdose, most likely.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 14:32, 4 replies)

I sometimes when driving try to avoid cornering and I am always deeply thrilled that muscle memory kicks in.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 14:26, 1 reply)

I've been away from this site for a few months and find that you are all slacking
A QOTW about achievements and not one mention of pissing in your own mouth.

I'm not angry I'm just disapointed
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 14:01, 7 replies)

Having lived in Leicester, city of a million traffic lights
Me and my friends invented a game whereby you got three points if you went through on green and one if you managed to squeeze through on amber, but you lost five points if you were forced to stop at a red. My friend's house was about a mile away from mine, which meant that I had 21 sets of lights to navigate. Anything above 20 points was a proper victory.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 12:45, 4 replies)

There is a picture of me playing a gig in guitarist magazine next to a picture of Dave Gilmour, my picture is bigger
there is no mention as to who the fuck I am. Just a picture.
( Glovington, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 12:43, 2 replies)

I invented the bloody bag!

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 12:41, 2 replies)

7/7 on the BBC quiz of the week
Was so pleased with that, I screenshotted it and emailed it to pretty much everyone I know.
(ScousersPet, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 12:35, 1 reply)

Tinfoil basketball
every day, I wrap my butties in tinfoil. Everyday, after eating the butties, I ball the tinfoil up and try to throw it into a bin that is approximately 12 feet away.

I have a scoring system - three points if it goes in without touching the sides (which is also accompanied by me saying "swish!") and two points if it hits a side and goes in.

I then see how many points I can get without missing.

28 points over a two-week / ten-shot period is my highest achievement so far. I was quite proud of that.
(ScousersPet, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 12:34, 1 reply)

I once managed to swap
The soul of potato with that of the metaphysical concept of guilt. Using 4 types of Science.

Prove me wrong. I dare you.
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 12:25, 1 reply)

I've come to the conclusion
that nothing actually rhymes with "silly achievements".
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 17 Oct 2014, 12:18, 20 replies)

Menial manual labour…

One of my very first jobs was as a librarian at the University of Cambridge. On my first day I was very excited; I couldn’t wait to immerse myself in the culture and architecture of these wonderful buildings where so much knowledge was being housed. As I reported to my supervisor he informed me that as there are several libraries at the university, I would be told each morning what library I was to report to. The thought of such variety spurred my excitement even more, and I couldn’t wait to hear more details about the role. What section would I work? What literary masterpieces was I going to come into contact with?

Unfortunately, the answer I received was not exactly what I was expecting. I was ordered to go to the History library canteen where a large delivery of polos had just been delivered. Because they were heavy, they didn’t want to bother the old lady who worked in the canteen, so I was to hump the fucking things through the (admittedly beautiful and ornate) library archway and drop them off for the old cow to dispense to the tax dodging student wankers.

I was stunned by this. I had so much more to offer than just being a fucking forklift with a cardigan! I briefly wondered if it was a joke, and asked him to clarify exactly what he wanted me to do. He ‘tutted’, pointed to the History library and said: ‘I’ll spell it out for you, you thick cunt. Seeley. Arch. Heave mints!’ Blame Captain Placid.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 17 Oct 2014, 11:29, 7 replies)