Kickin Rad BMX Ramp
Back in the late 80s when BMX Bandits was all the rage (in my street anyway), me and a mate of mine were doing some BMX tricks because we were wicked cool, oh yes.

These 'tricks' consisted of laying a very small plank, probably about a foot long, against an old tree branch at an angle to make a 'ramp'.

We contructed our rad jump leading into a 90 degree bend in our road on what we called 'the bumps'. These bumps (which were really a cheap sleeping policeman) provided a good way to prop our ramp together.

We took it in turns to do tricks. One would go to the other end of the road, which was a little way away around another corner, while the other would stay by the ramp to make sure it didn't fall over in a breeze or something. Then whoever was doing the jump would cycle as fast as they couild down the road, hit the ramp, fly for a bit then skid to a halt. (if you couldn't do a skid on your BMX you were a saddo)

After a few lame little jumps, my mate heads off up the road to take position for his jump and telling me "I'm going to go super-fast for this one!"

I'm sitting by the ramp waiting, and think "We must be able to get even radder jumps if I could get the plank to point higher". So I angled it higher, a lot higher, maybe 50 or 60 degress, and it held!

So by this time my mate has reached the end of the road, turned round, and is cycling like the clappers back towards the ramp. As he comes around the corner, he spots the ramp, which is a lot higher than it was when he left it.

This is where things from my point of view went slo-mo.

"Nooooooooooooo....." he wails as he trys to hit the brakes.

BANG! He hits the ramp and is seemingly fired up into the air. It seems like he is miles up to a 7 year old me but was probably only just above my head at about 5 foot.

"...oooooooooo" he continues.

In mid-arc he slows down, but his bike continues through the air. He thumps to the floor on his side after throwing a pose like a Karate Kick mid-air, while his bike punctures through someone's garden fence on the other side of the road.

"Waaah" he cried as he ran off home. I retrieved the bike for him from the garden and cycled off as fast as I could, feeling a little bit sheepish.

I was forgiven, because I told him he looked like a Ninja Turtle when he was doing it.
(stubbledchin, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 13:20, Reply)

trousers
A few years ago, living in Brighton, the end of a relationship caused me some unexpected but happy weight loss.

The downside was that i couldn't afford clothes for my new frame.

Which led to an incident where, seeing my train about to leave East Croydon station, I ran down the steps to try and catch it. As I did so my jeans gradually slipped down my legs. So I ended up treating startled commuters to the sight of a young ginger man shaking his fist at a departing train, shouting "fuuuuuuck", with his trousers around his ankles.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 12:51, Reply)

hmmm
I can't seem to fully remember any, properly defined, slapstick anecdotes from my childhood, so instead, have a cat hiding under a christmas tree.

i48.tinypic.com/344ry3a.jpg
( Jinxy13 is hating the S key, right about now., Thu 28 Jan 2010, 12:43, 1 reply)

Kittens! Don't you just love them?
16 week old kitten climbing up the curtains. Approach slowly from behind holding dangly piece of string. Dangle said piece of string just in kittens line of sight. Watch with 'pleasure' as kitten lets go of curtains to try and grab dangly piece of string and falls to ground in a heap.

Repeat ad infinitum.....
(pastcaring trembling in a corner....., Thu 28 Jan 2010, 11:27, 2 replies)

One summer

I got a job as first-aider for a travelling circus. I'll never forget the day the ring mistress came running into my caravan looking totally shocked.

"Quick Che, we need your help."
"What's up?" I asked.
"Well it started when Long Tall Tony the giant tripped over Little Len the midget. Tony looks like he dislocated a knee and Len might have a broken rib. Unfortunately, Tony was carrying a mug of hot coffee and it spilled down the front of Massive Martha the fat lady's dress. She fell out of her chair and landed on Fido the Wolf-boy's tail. He went mad and bit Arthur the Strongman on the ankle, so that he dropped his dumbell on his own foot."
"Bit of freak accident then?"




Well, it is Thursday.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 10:39, Reply)

Fleecie Blanket of Doom
I've been a little ill recently with an uber bastard chest infection, so spent the most of last week curled up on the sofa, wrapped up in a fleece blanket. One evening I dozed off deeply, while somehow keeping an ear out for my phone which was 5 feet away on my bed, and due to ring.

Sidenote: I live in a teeny tiny wee studio flat, hence why my sofa and bed are so close, bless them.

Another sidenote: Ever noticed how the sofa is so much more comfy than the bed when ill? I have...mmmmm sofa

So there I was, deeply content with my dozing. The next thing I was aware of was my arms were going mental Windmill stylee and my legs were refusing to do what they were supposed to do. I woke up properly when I hit the floor in a heap and found my legs completely tangled up in the fleece blanket, and my phone happily ringing away on my bed. I missed the call. I was too confused.
(Beacon, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 10:11, Reply)

silly pooch
my dog ran into the kitchen to greet me last night but went too fast, skidded on the tiled floor and went head first into a cupboard door. did it bother her? did it feck.

brilliant.
(PrincessTinkle is charlie brooker's secret wife, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 10:09, 1 reply)

Hot Poker
I was going at the bird hammer and tongs in a slightly lackadaisical fashion owing to the consumption of alcohol. I leaned back with her in the doggy position impressed as always at her ability to constantly repeat the magic trick of making my fleshy love baton disappear in her welcoming minge. The shear spectacle of my sexual prowess and her pert arse filled my fuzzy mind with warm and mushy thoughts as I thrust away.

Suitably distracted from the actual task at hand I nonchalantly leant over to grab my beer on the bed side table. Because after all, mans work is thirsty work. The sheer ear-bleedingly loud scream that was to follow left no clue as to the cause. She convulsed and whimpered in a heap in front of me. Silence filled the room as we were both momentarily shocked by her outburst.

The answer soon became apparent. I glanced down to see a small quantity of shit on the end of my penis with her mumbling something about me not ever having sex with her again. I'd jabbed her full force up the ipood without even so much as globule of spit to smooth the violent and unexpected entry.

At times like these I always find humour can have a calming and soothing effect. However I fear my chirp of, "Well, how about a blow job then?" while pointing at the brown visitor from Heranus didn't quite have the desired effect. Still, with 50% of us laughing our heads off I felt it would be prudent to complain about our little accident.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 23:20, 4 replies)

Is it slapstick?
I don't know if it counts, but when the roads were really icy, I was driving slowly down a hill and spotted a man in an electric wheelchair on the pavement sliding slowly and gently out of control and into a lamppost at the bottom.

It was dead beautiful.
(Scrumpy does not negotiate with terrorists,, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 23:04, 2 replies)

Fax Fall
Delivering a Fax Machine to our soon to be opened shop, I walked across the laminate floor in poor light to the light switch on the far wall failing to notice a clear Perspex box on the floor. Walking back I placed my foot perfectly in the box which slid off and sent me to the deck winding me on the centre shelf unit.

Unfortunately having already joked about being sick that day my boss wouldn’t believe my story! The security camera however captured the moment, but viewing it elicited laughter instead of sympathy from all who saw it!

Thanks to YouTube, you to can have a laugh at my misfortune!

www.youtube.com/my_videos_edit?ns=1&video_id=QKGZv8Qlzg8&next=%2Fmy_videos%3Fpi%3D0%26ps%3D20%26sf%3Dadded%26sa%3D0%26dm%3D2
(jethou, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:45, 1 reply)

Running machine
The running machine story reminded me of mine.

The gym I used to go to had mirrors in front of the running machine. I think the idea was to make the room look bigger but it was great to watch the totty walking around behind you.

Unfortunately this could be quite distracting and I have to admit to falling off the back of the machine right in front of the girl I was watching!

Length? it was more of a crumbled heap.
(Al987, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:34, Reply)

head, meet window
man frantically signals to mate through a window, mate doesn't quite understand. man leans in to say what demands to be said. CLUNK! Numbnuts. Numb head.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 21:16, Reply)

African open ditches
On my first night on my (in practice pointless and fun) volunteering project in Ghana I went for a drink with the other volunteers. This being Ghana, at ten o'clock in the evening the lights went out. After dropping off the girls at their host family, we made our way back home.

It was pitch black, I was in a foreign village in West Africa with a few other guys and we could hear the frogs in the swamp. And they were loud. Making our way tough the bushes we finally got to the dirt road and walked by corrugated iron-roofed shacks that all represented a road-side business. Some of them were open, but seeing as candles only get lit if a customer arrives, people would greet you out of the darkness and scare the shit out of you.

Now, it may be worth mentioning that I had arrived that evening when it was already dark (it gets dark fairly quickly that close to the equator), so I had absolutely no idea where I was.

Especially when I landed arse over tit in an open ditch. Filled to the brim with smelly diarrhea. And it wasn't made of concrete. It was gravel. and mud. And I cut my leg. And got some in my ear. It was probably the most disgusting thing I have ever, ever experienced.

Which is why fairly quickly everyone within a 3 mile radius had heard the raucus laughter, investigated and joined in. Yes, even someone with a torch.

I remained surprisingly calm throughout the experience, disinfected all the wounds with something that felt like pure acid and prayed to god I didn't get some sort of horrible debilitating tropical disease.

Somehow, it seemed that the whole thing was forgotten by most of the community there, apart from those who really knew we. But I know that secretly, whenever I walked by, one of the Ghanaians would whisper to the other: "Hey, look, there goes shithead!"
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 20:44, Reply)

Housemate vs groyne...no, not that kind
the kind of groyne that lines beaches to stop....well, I don't know what they stop and I can't be arsed to look on Wikipedia to find out. Anywho, at a beach in sunny B'mouth myself, my gf-at-the-time Liz,housemate Gareth and housemate Mark went for a spot of frisbee. Mark fancied Liz a fair bit, but being a touch socially retarded couldn't think of anyway to impress her other then leaping onto a groyne post which protruded about 4 feet out of the beach.

After successfully attempting this feat once, Mark was feeling a bit proud of himself. Myself, Gareth and even Liz then managed to show his below-par frisbee skills up putting him in a distant third (or possibly even fourth) in the manliness stakes, meaning he somehow had to manage to re-impress Liz (which incidentally didn't work the first time, but I digress).

So Mark spots the groyne, know full well my balance is worse than a three legged....thing and Gareth is far too lazy to attempt it. So with me, the G and Liz looking on, Mark once more leaps onto the groyne. Only the seawater had lapped over said groyne making it slippery and....groin met groyne in spectacular fashion. Think an upside down y shape. With his plums dead centre. Ouch.

As with any nutsack-related injury Gareth and I, as fellow men, did what all good mates should and pissed ourself laughing. Liz tried to help Mark up from his fetal position, but also collapsed in fits. So poor old Mark had to wander back to the car, clutching his lowers trying to tell us it 'didn't hurt'. Yeah, riiiiiiight....
(tattymuff, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 20:22, Reply)

Leaping arse landings Batman!
Down in Dorset there's the epic Corfe Castle, which used to be a castle but is now a well organized collection of rubble. Myself, my mate Baz, my sister and her bf went there for a day out because, frankly, we had f all better to do.

My sister and her fella occupied themselves by trying to ditch us and have a canoodle when we weren't about, Baz and I occupied ourselves by stalking them and leaping out at inopportune moments. Needless to say they got annoyed a lot faster than we did, and proceeded to bugger off.

Being the annoying little buggers we were, and being slightly worried we'd been so annoying that they might drive off and leave us there, Baz and I resolved to hurtle back to the car in as rapid a fashion as possible.

So sister and bf walking down steep walkway, Baz and I leaping down the banks that run parallel, occasionally looking across to check we were ahead. At one of these such moments after leaping down a couple of banks with abandon I looked across and leapt blindly over what I thought was a slight drop. Nope, try about ten feet.

I landed on the wet grass and proceeded to slide, on my arse, to the bottom. Still, I beat my sister and the bf to the bottom of the hill. Mostly because they were laughing so much. Bugger.
(tattymuff, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 20:10, Reply)

Taking penalties
Good news easily reproducible slapstick...

Recipe, take one dear yet dim friend and ask them to take football type penalty. Only they have to swing their kicking leg behind their standing leg, i.e. standing leg just to the side of the ball. Most idiots will simply kick their standing leg with sufficient force that gravity takes over the rest of their journey to redfacedville.

Physics note, wet grass has low friction, hence perfect for said prank.

Safety note, and the grass makes it super safe.
(Neostenine's maker, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 19:57, Reply)

Nibi's 'shit on own face' story reminds me
that everyone who works in care or nursing eventually gets covered in something. Blood's the least of our worries - looks sort of heroic. Shit'n'sick, on the other hand, just invite derision.

On my first day in a new job, I was helping to change some particularly messy shit-up bed sheets, in my lovely crisp white tunic.

I was hoping not to have to wash it right away, maybe wear it for another day, but that idea was scuppered when I got home and noticed the huge streak of diarrhoea covering half my back. Bastards'd let me walk around all day like that.

Another day, I noticed that the curtains had been drawn for a long time around a bed. Looking inside, I found my mate stood beside the bed, covered in sick, next an obviously dead woman propped up on pillows.

Mate had drawn the curtains as the patient felt sick: the patient had then turned towards her, vomited all over her and suddenly died, and the call bell was broken so Mate'd had to stand there until someone came by.

I collapsed on the bed, trying hard to stop myself from both laughing hysterically (other patients were listening) and peeing my pants.
Mate had to wait, indignantly, for quite a while next to the corpse until I was composed enough to fetch her a towel to wipe herself down enough for a dignified exit.

Another time, the same mate and I were getting an elderly lady ready for bed. She said to Mate, 'Would you pop this in the fridge for me, please?' and passed her a KitKat wrapper.

Mate said 'Of course!', took it and looked - it was a TURD. She shrieked 'It's a turd!' and started waving it around, looking for somewhere to dump it.

I was by then of course hanging cross-legged onto the sink in the corner. No help whatever.

I could go on, but it's teatime.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 19:26, Reply)

Knob
I remember way back in the mists of time owning a car that had a nasty plastic gear knob.

I scoured eBay for a flash leather one and waited patiently for the package to arrive.

So, it arrives, and I am sitting in the car with my new leather knob in one hand, phone in the other, calling my mate to ask how the fuck one removes a gear knob from this particular car.

"Just pull it straight up, you know, surprise it!" said Smiffy, my motor-trade friend.

I did, and I promptly punched myself in the forehead with the 5-speed embossed plastic gear knob.

From the foot-well of the car, where my phone had landed, I could here Smiffy pissing himself laughing; as he knew full well what I had done.

Cunt might have warned me.
(HamptonSmall ...smoking my pipe since, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 18:05, 1 reply)

Even the Bible gets in on the act.
So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.

And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face…
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 27 Jan 2010, 17:57, 1 reply)

BTBB and the French TAP OF DDOOOOOMMMM
Picture the scene, if you will; an excited BTBB in year 10 is on a Geography field trip to France, along with BTBB's excited friends.
After a very long coach journey, they pile out at a hostel high in the French Alps.
This hostel, unfortunately, is not exactly The Ritz, but BTBB doesn 't mind, as he's sharing with two of his best friends. The intrepid trio trudge up the stairs to the top floor, and find their room- it's small, and cramped, and has a tiny en suite bathroom, but it's all theirs, and they rejoice.
BTBB's friend goes first to the bathroom, and reports back that there's no window, and the light switch is on the outside (bear this is mind)
So, BTBB goes to wash his face- it's surprisingly hot, and he's all sweaty. He runs the tap, goes to wash his face, and friend 1 turns off the light. There's a moment where time seems to stop, and then there's a SPOINGAAAHH as BTBB manages to headbutt the tap. He hears friends laughing, so he goes to admonish them- they apologise, and he heads back to wash his face.
Again, he runs the water, again, he lowers his head, again the light goes off. This time, not only is there a SPOINGAAAHH, there's a FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK as, it turns out, BTBB has managed to headbutt the tap in the exact same spot as last time, just harder, and has now broken his nose so blood floods everywhere.

Does this count as slapstick?
(BornToBeBemused was born,feeling bemused,on, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 17:36, Reply)

head butting my bonnet
so this was about 4 years ago and i was just in the middle of fitting a HUGE 12000 lbs (pulling power) winch to the front of my very modded suzuki vitara( sj410.co.uk/07-04-27-drumclog/1/36.html)
With everything bolted up it was time to take it all off and paint the mounts.
(PICTURE THIS)
So with one hand on the bumper and one hand on the rachet with the top half of my body bent over in a L shape( head about 1 foot above the bonnet) i started to unbolt the last nut/bolt holding everything on. This is where it went very wrong very fast.

Winch mounting, the winch with the bumper( about 170 lbs) droped like a stone. This happend in a split secound and even my ninja reactions could not drop relase the kung fu grip i had on the bumper etc So this made me bend over even more which inturn and left a HUGE DENT in the bonnet where my head had gone from 0 to 10000 mph in a distance of 1 foot then stopped all in about 100th of a secound.

Yes it really hurt but and i would of loved to of see it rather than it happen to me.
(Bermuda_import Beach party this weekend, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 17:31, Reply)