I'm stalking recruitment agencies
One of the agencies who held my application to ransom for all my personal details is fond of sending me little ditties and tips about how best to find a job. These include such stellar hints as "Don't go to the interview loaded on smack and puke in the panel's faces." And these little notes are always utterly illiterate, clunking pieces of badly punctuated crap. So I return each of them to a named person, correcting each mistake and lambasting them for insulting my intelligence with such patronising shite. But they still keep sending them, along with 'suitable jobs' such as "Sprat Fisherman, Aberdeen."

The other day, the computer at Reed Recruitment send me a list of suitable jobs, not one of which met my profile, So I applied for some of them anyway, advising a huge corporate accountants in London that I lacked every single one of their requirements but that they should employ me anyway because Reed say I'm a match.

I'll bring them down. If if it's the last thing I do.
(frankspencer, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 11:09, 16 replies)

I feel your pain Frank
Yep, the job matching the recruitment agencies do is fucking terrible. The other thing that you'll occasionally see is a job advertised which you're more than qualified for but with an excellent salary. You apply, before you know it you have the recruitment agency on the phone offerring you a similar role but for £10k less.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 6 Feb 2008, 11:19, closed)

.
Post their literacy-devoid advice on b3ta and allow the grammar pedants to destroy them.
(JasperSinister is offering two tickets to the gun show, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 11:23, closed)

I get the same silly emails
I don't know, maybe being a graduate does make me instantly suitable to be a senior executive manager, but I suspect not.

I like your methods though. Clicky clicky.

edit: Also, please tell me what the company is, rather than just "[something] recruitment agency".
edit2: That is, Reed never say who the company is, that wasn't aimed at frankspencer.
(Bearded Whumpus In chav Britain, schoolgirl offers sweets to YOU!, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 11:37, closed)

Cunts, the lot of them...
And I should know, I am one. I hasten to add that I don't send out those e-mails of which you speak, and I work in a highly specialised environment, but recruitment consultants are pure unmitigated evil.

Bring 'em down, Frank - I'm with you.

(dear God, I hate my job. And I can't get out of it! Kids - don't do recruitment even as a 'filler' job. It fucks you for life!)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 11:43, closed)

Any recruitment consultants out there...
Find me a new job please

Geography graduate, 3 years industry experience in the marine industry (consultancy). Looking for more cash (although I can't just say that) anywhere in the South (role dependant, but would ideally love to work west of Portsmouth and east of Exeter.

Excuse spelling, currently at work,

Gaz me please!

/Edit

On topic - Reed did actually get me job at the Environment Agency after I graduated, and they're very good at cooking the books so you pay less tax than you should. But since I left I get weekely updates for some really unsuitable jobs that no matter how many time you try to unsubscribe they send anyway.

I'm going to follow Franks example and apply to some senior job. You never know, i might strike it lucky...
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 12:09, closed)

.
I love agencies they are a constant source of amusement. Years of working in publishing and all they offer is administrator posts. Apparently the fact I don't have a degree is good reason for assuming I am incapable of doing anything beyond that. Monster did come up with a great match for me... Senior Exec Accountant at British Gas. I've never had anything to do with accounting but I wouldn't have minded the salary!
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 13:19, closed)

I feel your pain!
on the other side of the coin - the company I work for regularly used Reed recruitment agency back in the day. I would then have to conduct interviews with people who ranged from normal and intelligent - but not experienced or qualified to completely barking care in the community types who could barely dress themselves. Reed would literally send ANYONE. Wasted a lot of my time (and the applicants too!) Then when one was successful Reed then charged us in between £600 and £1500 for the priveledge of hiring them. Agencies - a cancerous polyp on the anus of the employment market.
(Reptilianoid, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 13:56, closed)

i did one
of their questionnaires when i was at uni.

it recommended i become...

A LONG DISTANCE LORRY DRIVER.

i declined to take its advice.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 13:58, closed)

@rachelswipe
What the hell did you put on the questionnaire?
I suppose they may have hilariously misinterpreted "Likes travelling" or something, but apart from that I really can't think of anything that would suggest long-distance lorry driver as an appropriate career.

(And that's not even going into the silliness of recommending that to someone at uni.)
(Bearded Whumpus In chav Britain, schoolgirl offers sweets to YOU!, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 14:03, closed)

i have a feeling
it said "do you like driving?"

my top 5 were something like:

script writer
teacher
hotel manager
long distance lorry driver
carer

my ex oswald's was more straightforward:

"would you like to join the army?"

recommended jobs:

join the army
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 15:19, closed)

Well that works
even if it lacks a certain subtlety.

Although you can't really extrapolate that too far:
"Would you like to be a doctor?" No.
"Would you like to be a teacher?" No.
"Would you like to be a laywer?" No.
"Would you like to be a ...?" Yes.
Your best profession is...


None of your top five seem massively similar to lawyer, but I suppose not too many things are.
(Bearded Whumpus In chav Britain, schoolgirl offers sweets to YOU!, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 15:26, closed)

Great matches happen...
I once used an employment agency who found me a job that was a perfect match for my skills and faxed my CV to the company in question. As it turned out, the job was so perfect a match that I was already doing it. My HR manager was apparently quite surprised when my CV scrolled out of the fax machine.
(richardm, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 16:17, closed)

Careers
I managed to get the following:

Fighter Pilot (a very cool job, but I have ethical objections to raining napalm on innocent civilians. Unless they live in Canvey Island)

Construction Worker (This was during the height of the last recession, where Sir Norman Foster would bite your hand off to build your shed)

Psychologist (Busman's holiday, surely?)

Thank fuck for Cascaid, no doubt programmed to fill the many quotas for arse-wipers, bovine foodstuffs inversion technicians, lollipop ladies, parking attendants and HMRC staff, where most of the intellectually challenged seemed to fit right in.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 6 Feb 2008, 16:23, closed)

My ex-wife
Worked for Hays as an RC

I think the ex should say it all as to my feelings on the trolls of humanity employed at those places.

No stalking involved i moved over 400 miles away and am untraceable

wooooooooooooooyay
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 16:34, closed)

doh
Except through facebook
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 16:35, closed)

I hate agencies
I'm three days into the soul-destroying temporary non-job they've found me. I've done bugger all work and I'm so bored I'm considering eating my own feet. This has made me realise I'm a money-whore like everyone else and I've died a little bit inside.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 7 Feb 2008, 13:24, closed)