Ahem.
My uncle got knighted (oh yes) for the discovery of a soft, silvery, malleable and ductile metal in the lanthanide group with the atomic number of 59. He was so pleased with his award that he had some glasses fashioned out of the aforementioned metal. Of course we all knew him as Unclepraseodymiumgglasses.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 11 Apr 2013, 12:44, 1 reply)

First!

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 12:32, Reply)

last

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 12:29, Reply)

Halloween again
I'm sure there will be a raft of Halloween based shenanigans, so let me add mine.

Our two daughters decided they wanted a Halloween party between them, and asked if they could invite a few friends each. One was 13 at the time, and had invited a couple of boys, who looked more like they were 18, and were obviously a little bit uncomfortable with the whole wearing masks, and apple bobbing planned for the evening.
In a effort to provide something a little different, I spoke to my son in law who was at the party as well. He is well known for making prank calls whereby he pretends the line is breaking up. It's all immature rubbish but the kids always find it funny.
On this occasion, I asked him to actually phone me. He would pretend to phone Dominoes or whatever, and I would answer and say he had the wrong number. It was all a little bit impromptu, and by the end of the initial call, I had pretended that I thought he was the man my cheating wife had an affair with. After he hung up, I rang him back (the kids are all listening to this still on loud speaker) and said that I didn't appreciate him cutting me off, and that because of that It was his fault that she had died! He had made me kill her.
Obviously my son in law was a little taken aback, since this wasn't planned at all, but he gamely carried on in front of his now slightly agitated audience (I was outside the house, so couldn't see them). He tried to placate me and said that it was all a mistake, he had been making a prank call. I refused to believe him, and told him that I was going to use GPS to track him down or some other bullshit that the kids might fall for.
I waited about 30 seconds before storming in through my front door.
The ensuing scene was far more than I had bargained for. A crowd of kids all trying to get out of my lounge to the safety of the kitchen door, and the garden outside. One of the older boys my daughter had invited was actually pushing younger ones behind him in his rush to the exit. Needless to say it was all quickly discovered to be a prank and everyone had a good laugh about it.
Except for my younger daughter, who spent the next hour crying, and one of her friends who had to be taken home after having an anxiety attack, but hey, you can't have a good Halloween prank without a little collateral damage right?
(Ovon Bort Wondering why he chose this username, since 1999, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 11:20, 2 replies)

My Galaxy Tab 10.1 got upgraded to Android 4.0.4 this week
Which was a surprise as I thought it was considered too old by Samsung to be worth the effort of upgrading it from version 3.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 11:19, 3 replies)

My oriental sauce won a competition...

I received a soy prize
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Thu 11 Apr 2013, 10:54, Reply)

Sometimes I balance my toilet bucket on a high shelf.
Slop raised.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 10:18, Reply)

I receive compliments when I take small tastes of a drink...

I am often sip-praised!
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Thu 11 Apr 2013, 10:05, Reply)

When I'm flaccid I love the sounds of fellatio - it makes me tumescent
Slurp rise!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 23:10, Reply)

The old Russian king or whatever used to have a private chapel,
and when he was using it, no-one else was allowed in.
To make it clear what was going on, there used to be a sign on the door:
Tzar Prays!
( 4Q just lurking, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 21:27, Reply)

After what seemed like a ten month winter
suddenly it's Spring.
Sap rise!
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 10 Apr 2013, 20:26, Reply)

I'm surprised Herb would knock down the wall without her wife's permissioj

( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 17:40, Reply)

I don't know why, but people are always surprised at how LOVELY I am.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Wed 10 Apr 2013, 13:45, 31 replies)

Seems this has surprised a few women:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1704952-To-ask-is-there-any-way-to-stop-this-TMI
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 11:27, 25 replies)

So there I was in Nepal collecting various facial features from all the Ghurkas I'd killed (with my bare hands)..
"What have you got in that bag", someone asked me.
And so I told them.



"Sherpa eyes".
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:36, 9 replies)

I could feel the evening meal I'd just partaken of coming back up my gullet.
It was a sup rise.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:01, Reply)

I have a recipe I call "Five Surprise Chicken"
It doesn't contain any chicken, for one thing.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 9:41, 17 replies)

Crumble Surprise
Crumble mix:
250g cold unsalted butter, cut into small chunks
400g plain flour
200g golden caster sugar
pinch salt

Ingredients for filling:
1 large Bramley (cooking) apple, peeled and chopped
1 vanilla pod, split and seeded
250g rhubarb, trimmed and chopped
250g gooseberries, washed and topped and tailed
Juice of 1/2 lemon

Put the crumble mix ingredients into a large bowl and rub together until it resembles breadcrumbs.

Mix the filling ingredients together in a large bowl and spoon into individual ovenproof dishes
Cover with crumble and bake for 30-40 minutes, until tops are golden brown

Forget to put sugar in the filling mix and you'll have real sour pies.
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 9:27, 1 reply)

I was a bit drunk, and went to meet my mate Rizzle Kicks the other day, the "i" in the former part of who's stage name I like to mi-pronounce.
As we approached each other (Christ I can't believe I'm still bothering to type this) I said:

"S'Urp, Rize?"

Are we there yet?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 8:58, Reply)

I came home from work one day
to find a girl sitting at my kitchen table, unmarried, pregnant and weeping inconsolably.
I thought to myself - this isn't your fault, you never touched her and you've had a vasectomy.
I was surprised to find, through a convoluted chain of causation, that it actually was my fault.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 23:50, 11 replies)

So it turns out that Soylent Green was people.
Well, fuck me.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 21:39, 4 replies)

I was once on the district line seated by the window minding my own business
when from out of nowhere further down the carriage a man dressed as Sheena Easton and a three times normal size Vauxhall Astra started firing bratwurst sausages up into the ionosphere from what appeared to be a bag of Frazzles
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 21:15, 3 replies)

So, I was sitting under this tree
When an apple fell on my head.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 16:39, 7 replies)

Camping
I was on a camping trip for a few days with some friends, 5 of us split in 2 tents. After the first night I woke up and saw that my tent-mate was also stirring. I put my face very close up to his, pulling a scary face. Seconds later he opened his eyes, saw my face filling his field of vision and screamed like a girl, which was the desired effect. Unfortunately he also sat up very quickly, nutting me in the process and making my nose bleed all over my sleeping bag. The trip went downhill from there.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 16:33, 4 replies)

When the ex and I would settle down for the night, I'd ask him to reach up over the bed to switch the light off, and quickly nick his pillow.
Must've done this for years and he he was ALWAYS surprised. You'd think he'd learn really.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 15:44, 3 replies)

Wild?
I was absolutely livid!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 14:52, 3 replies)

Jumpers
My mate in his 1st year in uni lived in halls. This one evening 4 of them went for an some refreshment at the student union bar. After availing themselves of the inevitable cheap booze. One of the lads invited them back to his room to smoke some weed and listen to some tunes.
Once he got back there he plonked himself down in his comfy chair he had in there rolled an enormous spliff smoke the majority of it then passed out. This was apparently a common occurrence. He would be out cold for about 2 hours he would wake up after switching off and re-join the party. He was happy for people to roll with his gear and be in his room. Obviously he got drawn on. Things stacked on him he took it with good grace. It became clear that during these blackouts he was well and truly out for the count so they hatched a plan.
They lived in a high rise halls of residence. Every single room in these places are identical. His room was on the top floor. They had a room ready prepared stripped bare on the bottom floor. They waited till he passed out then took all his shit out an put it in the bare room. Set it up so it looked the same. Finally carefully moving sleeping beauty passed out in his chair down in the lift. Then all sat around carried on and waited for him to wake up.
When he did they carried on smoking as was the norm until they decided it was time to go to bed when they all left by jumping out of the window and going “Ahhhhhhhhhh” getting quieter.
When sleeping beauty eventually overcame the stoned shock of seeing 3 of his mates jump out of a high rise window he stumbled to the open window and was relieved and confused to see his mates alive well and pissing themselves laughing
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 11:52, 4 replies)

Apparently ...
He's a ghost!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 11:50, 17 replies)